Your husband needs a very big dose of "here's reality".
Sounds like a master manipulator. Since he now will likely have to have mandatory IC, which is good, You need to get some too.
You have a situation that I may being too harsh on, but nonetheless, my initial reaction.
Is he mentally unstable? Or a manipulator? I have no idea, but I urge you to do everything you can to find out.
At a minimum, he has no boundaries & lies in a pathological way. Not a good situation.
Set your rules now. And protect yourself financially. Go see a lawyer, just in case. You don't have to file, but do know your rights.
And please, get tested for STD's, and insist he does as well. I think he's lying & manipulating you.
I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
I sent myself and his mother the messages and I sent myself her contact info.
His mother? That seems strange.
He tried telling me he did it because his parents had told him I was being lazy and doing nothing around the house.
Forgive me, but your H is in need of some serious help. He wonít stop cheating, and he isnít even really trying to hide it.
Also, not my business, but his parents are awfully involved in your life. That first quote seems like you were telling him mommy on him for being bad. You are his wife, and you should both be acting like adults, not telling mommy and daddy when things arenít right. This all seems very unhealthy. Your H is acting like a spoiled child, and itís probably because his parents are so involved in everything he does.
You need to decide what is your final push to leave. Heís done this repeatedly, and was trying to meet up with local women. My guess is heía actually already done so but wasnít caught. I doubt he went from 0 to 160 in one shot. And driving into a bridge? Heís an unstable individual and probably needs some serious psychiatric help.
I feel very sorry for you to be so wrapped up in all of this. Heís a grown man that is tied to his mommyís apron, and heís so spoiled he tried to say that he would cheat if you didnít take care of the house. ARE YOU KIDDING???
I donít think heís mature enough to be married, to be quite honest. Iím sorry Ė I know this isnít what you want to hear, but he isnít going to just stop. Youíve caught him repeatedly, and he just keeps doing it. Heís completely selfish and self serving.
So, is there a point where you leave? If so, what is that point?
EDIT: And everything that Fourever said as well
[This message edited by painfulpast at 11:57 AM, October 25th (Friday)]
I told his mom about the messages because she purchased the new phone and was home with our kids. I was ready to shut off his phone, but I felt since she purchased it, that it should be her decision. That is why she was notified.
I see a therapist weekly and the Army is making him see someone but only about twice a month. I believe he should be going weekly also.
[This message edited by hgentry90 at 12:17 PM, October 25th (Friday)]
I think he needs to go to Mommy's house and let her nurse him back to health. YOU deserve some time to yourself so you can figure out what you're going to do.
I agree. He tried to end his life with no regard, which shows that he has no regard for your life either. Please be careful.
2x a month IC after a suicide attempt? Not cool. He should be, IMO, in an inpatient facility.
Oh sweetie I echo everyone's sentiments on here so I won't belabor the advice by repeating it.
Please take care of YOU. Post often. If the advice seems harsh, please know it's because we care very much.
Sending strength & more hugs,
Send him to his mothers. Let Mommy take care of him. He has done nothing to show he has any intrest in being a good husband and father. He acted in an extremely impulsive, and selfish manner. When he was caught. Then if I get this right, while he was still in the hospital was already engaging in the same behaviors that landed him there?
Does this sound like a good husband to you?
What would your Mother, Best Friend or YOU as a mother say to someone that was in this situation?
Do you honestly think it's better to be with him, and live in total dysfunction showing your kids that it's acceptable to have a marriage where one partner is a serial cheater, and the other a doormat, carrying the burden of his needs and blame?
Your the mother of small children, and have some illness yourself, and he blames you that he isn't getting enough love and attention at home? He is manipulating you. Do not allow him to do this. Pack his shit, send him to mommy, go see an attorney, and file for D. Show your kids how a strong woman demands the respect she deserves, and if she doesn't get it, chooses to be independent rather than having their self esteem destroyed by someone who claims to love them.
Your H is NPD at a minimum, and he has to want to change for you to even have a hope of R. You have to put you and your kids first. He certainly won't.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:04 PM, October 25th (Friday)]
Listen to tushnurse..very wise comment which is helping me, too
[This message edited by LMomof2 at 1:15 PM, October 25th (Friday)]
ETA: I would almost want mommy to refuse to take him as well. This guy needs to hit rock bottom and learn that his antics aren't going to keep working with you. He can't keep suckering people in to pity him. He's a big boy now and needs to learn from his mistakes.
The frustrating part of dealing with an NPD is that they seem to have this charm over new people to get what they want. And then they have no remorse when they use and abuse the people that helped them and simply move onto the next person when they are outed as the soulless emotional vampire they are.
For real, show your kids this isn't how you treat a woman, and that you don't have to enable anyone who constantly hurts you. You deserve so much better than this guy, and the sooner you detach from him, the sooner you will heal.
[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 1:25 PM, October 25th (Friday)]
I think he needs to go to Mommy's house and let her nurse him back to health. YOU deserve some time to yourself so you can figure out what you're going to do
There isn't a chance in hell I'd be taking care of him at this point.
Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.
You do need to protect yourself and your children. Unfortunately, it is obvious that your WH is incapable of being your families protector. Please do see a lawyer and find out what you are entitled to. And I would chime in that you should not be the person taking care of WH. He essentially has fired you from that job. He shows no remorse for what he's put you through. The only thing he has shown is regret for being caught and the only person he has been concerned for during this entire chaotic mess is himself. He doesn't have you or your children's best interests at heart. He needs to go elsewhere so that his dysfunction is not in your house any more.
I do agree with you that he should be going to weekly therapy, not 2x a month. Although if he doesn't have any intention of cooperating with his therapist, then it really doesn't matter.
Please come back often for support and to vent. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I agree let him go to his mom's. You need a break. Understand he is very broken and you can't fix him. He has to want to change, and currently he would rather run into a pillar than face his actions.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
Otherwise, I totally agree with everyone else - let him go and work on you.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. You sound like a strong woman who wants what's best for her family. Although it's wonderful that you are willing to toughen up and make your family work, please realize that reconciliation requires 2 people. Reconciliation works if the motivations behind it is solid. I think the reasons you've specified as to why you want to R is not a solid motivation. IMO. Please read the postings here on 180. You don't have to make a decision to R or D right now. But you do need to do 180 for your own sanity.
Hugs your way.
This is a 2x4 from some of the posters here:
Whether or not the parents are involved is moot at this point because THEY ARE involved. It looks to me like the parents care a lot about the marriage. They are friends of the marriage and I remember making a decision that if I ever divorce my XWH, I will continue to keep in touch with my in-laws because they are great people and they love the grandchildren. I will never take that away from them. It is NOT NOT NOT NOT! their fault that their son is being an A-hole cheater right now. Let's please not blame his parents. Let's put the blame entirely on our cheaters. There's no way in this situation based on what she said that the parents are enabler. I give full kudos to MIL for watching the kids and giving the new phone and telling her son not to see other women. There are many MIL out there, like my mother's MIL, who will deny the cheating and condone it. Let's not crucify her please.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
Your husband sounds a lot like my deceased WXH. An immature manipulator who does the suicide attempt not BECAUSE of his affairs or actions but to draw attention away from it/them.
May I ask your ages?
Also, I have 2 adult sons, ages 28 & 22. While I don't have control or even really interfere in their lives, I do still have enough of their respect that I would still be enough of an influence with them to hold some sway in that type of issue.
I would not want to become an interference or referee in the situation, but I could & would take that son aside, sit & talk with him & basically rip him a new one, so to speak.
My 22 year old lived out of state recently & ended up losing a great job there. Moved in with his GF's family & became a total bum for approx 2 years. They kicked him out so I bought him a bus tkt to get home but he knew w/o even asking that being a bum wasn't allowed at home & he had a job within a month of returning with no pressure or input from me at all. Had to give him a 6 week "move-out" date after 8 months, which he thought was awful, but he got an apartment 2 weeks ago & his deadline wasn't until Halloween.
So to quit my TJ now (sorry) I just wanted to say that if a parent raised them right, the WS doesn't want the shame & disappointment from their parents either so the parents can help out in these situations.....to an extent & as long as it is minor & the "right" kind of help.
It sounds like his Mom is that type of parent.....as long as the phone buying thing isn't her usual way.
2 other quick things....
1.) Where is his old phone? There is probably a LOT of answers (& hurt/pain) in it you could find.
2.) Since he is military, can't they put him up in the barracks if you temporarily split?
Not sure how that works but I do agree his Mom shouldn't take him in. He needs to be made to do it on his own & even if she means well, there would be more impact on him to have to be a man & be forced to deal with it like a big boy.
Hugs to you. I know you are hurtin'.
Do you have any family or anybody IRL who could help you and support you?
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT your WH cheated and behaved the way he did..
It is a normal consequence of a mom with small kids and a health problem that she is spread thin and thus hubby may feel a little left out in the mix..Any normal minded loving husband would get creative in problem solving so that life for him and his family would get better...Only an idiot would blame his wife for his problems and cheat on her ....
[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:25 PM, October 25th (Friday)]
Are you sure he's safe with the kids?
If you are not sure, or have any doubt at all, insist via attorney that he's never alone with them.
I have never made this statement here, but I really feel this here in your situation.