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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS's I need a view from your side
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been down both roads. I finally D XWH#1 after 22yrs of infidelty, mostly drunken ONS and EA's. I finally divorced him when I knew that he was too broken to ever fix himself. I knew I no longer loved him enough to try.

I never thought that WH#2 would ever cheat on me. He also was a BS in his 1st marriage. I was wrong. He had a 3yr affair with an old GF from before we were married.

Why did I stay?? Because I love him and he loves me. We are not spring chickens anymore and I have a terminal disease that will eventually kill me. I thank God everyday for the chance to love him even though he chose for 3yrs not to love me back. I do not think that by staying I am weak. I could just as easily leave him and I have family that will take care of me when my time comes. That is not what I want because I love him with all my heart. He made a very bad mistake that he pays for everyday and I know that if he had it to do over again, he would not do it. He sees my pain and has to live with it now. He has to live with the fact that his family and friends know what he did to me. He has to live with the fact that he was the weak one that chose to betray the person who loved him the most.

Please do not think that your husband is weak for staying with you. Undoubtably he loves you even though you broke his heart. I hope you both can take this and find a way to grow a new and improved relationship. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I served in the Marines in the Gulf War and fought in the Battle of Kuwait. I was scared but I did my job. Never thought I was weak.

When my wife cheated on me I stayed out of love and to preserve my family. It was another battle. A different kind of war. My wife may have caught me off guard with her opening salvo, but I stood firm and didn't back down. We are now in a shaky R. And to me I'm still fighting.

Fighting to preserve something is not weak.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During the time that I stayed:

1. Because I wanted too.

2. Because I felt that he, our marriage, our family and I were worth it.

3. Because I couldn't throw a person away over mistakes.

I left because:

1. He didn't get it

2. He never stopped contact with OW

3. He was never remorseful


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nicjean:

I am no longer trying to reconcile with my WS, however, my reasons for wanting to R were as follows:

1. I was not ready to leave my marriage at the time my H"s A was discovered. I think it's fair to say that the person having the affair has had plenty of time to think about whether he/she wants to stay in the marriage, whereas the BS is just catching up after DDay - a lot of time is needed to process everything. People will stay until they have time to process everything.

2. On a similar note, I still loved my H on DDay. Yes, I was aware that we had drifted apart & our relationship was damaged, but I still loved him & he was still the person closest to me in the world. The thought of separating was not something I was interested in the time.

3. I believed him. I wanted to believe that the A was over & that he would do whatever it took for us to recover from this. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

4. I was not going to split up my children's family without trying to save it.
Yes,I felt weak at times and felt embarrassed for agreeing to stay, but I was not going to do this to my kids if it could be avoided.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2168 | Registered: Nov 2009
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once my H acknowledged that his EA was really an affair , he couldn't understand why I would stay. In fact, I got angry at how often he said that he should just leave and let me be happy. Argh!

I was unbelievably angry and hurt. I often wanted to leave. I didn't trust him. I often didn't like him. Every last thing I'd put up with over the twenty plus years we'd been together came back to mind and I got angry about having put up with it when I was just going to be betrayed.

And I also still loved him. I hoped that the man I thought I had married was really still there. I thought that, if that man were still there, that I had made the right choice all those years ago. I thought we had been a really great team for a long time, and I hoped that we could be again.

We have a child, but that is not what kept me with him. I think it was, weirdly, optimism -- even though at the time it seemed like desperate stubbornness. No guarantee that we would have stayed together -- we got very close to divorce s couple of times.

Love and optimism. ANd pigheadedness

Not a bad way to approach it!


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suppose I would have your point of view if I was a survivor.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
brknwmn
♀ Member
Member # 40603
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i feel like staying is being weak??

I think it takes more strength to stay than to leave. I could've easily left and moved on with my life. It's possible that I could be happier and leave him to feeling like shit b/c of what he did...

All I can say is take a look at the situation. Put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself "Could I be as strong as he is being now?"

If the answer is no, which it probably is...then appreciate how strong, loving, and amazing your BS is. And tell him every day


Me: 26 BS Him: 29 WH
Together since Dec 2005
officially done 10-30-13

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
brknwmn
♀ Member
Member # 40603
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got angry at how often he said that he should just leave and let me be happy. Argh!
AMEN!!!!

My FWH has even said "When I put myself in your shoes I just wish you would go and cheat on me to get even!"

Like I need to lower myself to that? Why so I can feel as shitty about myself as you feel about yourself? Not gonna lie I thought about retaliation affairs but I just can't go to that level...and after what he said I think it would just make him feel better.


Me: 26 BS Him: 29 WH
Together since Dec 2005
officially done 10-30-13

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
Wink  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nicjean83, I truly admire your desire to really educate yourself on both sides of the A issue.
1. I stayed because, even though WH was the source of my pain, he was my best friend and the source of comfort.
2. I did not want my children to learn to run when things got tough. I wanted them to learn try to work it out. If R doesn't work, at least we know we tried.
3. I made my vows, even though WH did not keep his, I am still keeping mine.
4. There are days that are Hard as Rocks, but it is getting easier.
Best Wishes that you both become happier people.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Topic Posts: 69
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

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