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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm scared I'll never get over this....
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so messed up this week. So much stuff is going on -- WH was in the ER with chest pains, had a stress test and it was fine. My mom just had eye surgery this morning and may not be able to see (she has a hundred other medical problems and is my best friend and it's killing me to see her like this); my dad is an ass..long story...and triggered a panic attack because he was so sharp with me today; i'm pregnant and no one knows it but me and WH, our cat is dying; I am a flipping moron who let my guard down and have sex with an asshole that cheated on me with a piece of shit ex girlfriend and I can't forgive him despite all the effort he is making and how he says he regrets it and is disgusted with himself and gets sick when he thinks of what an asshole he was and how much he has hurt our family.

WHy can't I just forgive him Why can't I just let this all go? HOw te hell did my life get here? I feel like every day my emotions are just at the surface and I try to hide them with prayers or verses or a smile so everyone doesn't get sick of my "woes is me" bullshit.

I just want it all to stop.

I want to reconcile but I'm so afraid I'll never get over this. SOmeone tell me I can do this because right now I can barely function let alone repair my marriage. All I do is picture them together and I can't get it out of my head...ever....would it be easier to divorce him and find someone new or will I just always be haunted and miserable?


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you ever feel like if you smile one more fake smile your whole face and body will shatter like glass and dissolve into dust and you'll blow away?

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 12:31 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still do this. My fake plastic smiles and "I'm fine" have become the norm for me.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi topperoff22. You have quite a bit on your plate right now; no wonder you're sick of it all and being flooded by the crap of your WH's A. I can't even imagine being pregnant while all this trauma is swirling around.

Try to go back to the basics for a minute. Breathe, eat, sleep, journal, run, walk, read, do yoga--anything that brings you a moment of peace, even if it's only for one minute of each day.

As for feeling like you will never move beyond this...I walked hundreds of miles in those same miserable shoes. I never thought I could find peace, let alone happiness, trust, and normalcy. But I did--one painful day at a time. I had over a year long false R, so I think I was especially slow to process and heal, but who knows? I do know that it was easily a full year, if not 2, before I really felt things significantly shift for the better. Once that started, things began to quickly progress. So, topper, you can do this; and regardless of the outcome, you absolutely will find peace and happiness. It just seems too far to imagine, let alone see right now, but it's there and you are moving toward it everyday--even when you don't actively feel it. Make sure to take care of yourself, and that you are getting all that you need and should rightfully expect from you WH. You will get through this; promise.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy Moly - You have a LOT on your plate sister.

STOP!!!!!
Stop worrying about all the things that are out of your control. Whatever happens happens.

1. Dad is an Ass - He always has been, probably always will be, you certainly can't change him, he will say and do mean things. Don't take it personally, that is just Dad. Let it go.

2. WH- He had an A. It sucks, it hurts, and he is really starting to make headway with R. Great.
CP's in the ER - Hey it shows he is really starting to think about things, and that's good, even better is a negative stress test (My lovely H was kind enough to have a massive MI 2 weeks after his 40th birthday while in the city he was having his A at, and most likely because he was banging her) so things could be worse.

3. Your Pregnant. Congrats!!! Miracles happen to us in our darkest times, and sometimes we are so overwhelmed by life we fail to see them. Enjoy this little secret, you are very early on in this. Who knows what is going to happen, and your hormones are all out of whack, and probably contributing to your feeling of being overwhelmed. Acknowledge that, it helps..

4. Mom - That situation sucks, but you know all you can do is love and support her. So is she going to be blind? Totally or partially? Contact the hospitals Social Services dept, and ask for resources for assistance, and learning for blind people. They have them, or know how to get them for you. Tell Mom you are doing this for you (This also gets your mind off all the other shit that you have ZERO control over)

5. The Cat - Is the poor creature suffering? If so then is it time to compassionately let him cross the rainbow bridge? If not, make sure it knows you love it, and enjoy the time you have left.

6. Can you recover from this and forgive? This is your big issue right? Try not to put this pressure on yourself. You may not know this answer for days, weeks, months, or even years. Forgiveness is a lot to ask for in the short time that you have been working toward R. You really need to focus on the here and now, and see if the changes that he needs to make are being made, and try to focus on being happy and healthy for yourself.

Deep breaths, focus on a day at a time.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8692 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((topperoff22)))

You DO have so much going on. Take some deep breaths and lean on us.

I was EXACTLY where you are yesterday wondering if I should just walk away. (Though NFW on the find someone new part!)

Due to work schedules, we're struggling to find the time to sort through this mess. In the meantime, my mind is in overdrive wondering if I can ever get past the lies, the deception and the knowledge that someone who I trusted completely could knowingly and willingly cause me this kind of pain.

I have decided to try to R because I do love him, and leaving him does not give me answers or bring me closure. I can run,(and a divorve would be very simple from a legal perspective since we have few joint assets and no joint children or minor children) but all the self-doubt and insecurities will come with me.

I am hoping that with time and some understanding of his thought process through this we'll be able to heal and build a better M.

BUT... I do wonder how long I'll be looking over my shoulder and at what point I will finally have made peace with his A and all the associated fallout.

You are still very early in this process AND you have so many other things that require your energy right now. Be gentle with yourself and try to take one day at a time. You do NOT need to forgive him yet, you're still processing a whole lot of stuff.

Maybe instead of working to repair your marriage today, you identify a few things that are good in your M? Things that make you hopeful? Maybe add a few tomorrow? As that list grows, the possibility of R may seem less daunting.

Hugs to you and comfort that you are not alone in your struggle with this question.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 1:22 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2013
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Topper,
WHy can't I just forgive him

Forgiveness doesn't work like that. You can"try" to get to forgiveness, but it will only be real for you when you are good and ready

Why can't I just let this all go?

Because it is a trauma that will take longer than a few months to heal from it. But it will get easier.


I feel like every day my emotions are just at the surface and I try to hide them with prayers or verses or a smile so everyone doesn't get sick of my "woes is me" bullshit.

Because your emotions never ARE far from the surface. Nor would it be healthy to bury them. They are real. Because this all sucks.
Plus, you are newly pregnant which makes it suck even more.

SOmeone tell me I can do this because right now I can barely function let alone repair my marriage

You can do this. But you can't do it by yourself.

All I do is picture them together and I can't get it out of my head...ever...

I know the feeling. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

.would it be easier to divorce him and find someone new or will I just always be haunted and miserable?

It probably would be much easier to divorce him and find someone new. Do you want that?

Give it some more time. Wait a year.
Have your baby. Get organized. Get strong. Let him do the repair work. Make sure you are financially secure.

Heal yourself. Then decide what you really want. And take it.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 783 | Registered: Feb 2012
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can really relate. My husband is having chest pains also. He's supposed to go get a stress test but won't go. Why does everything go wrong at once? So many family (on both sides) and business problems on top of our marriage problems. I can't imagine being pregnant right now...that alone is overwhelming. You can do this though...We can do this!! Like you, I wish I could let it go. I'm starting to think I'm holding onto it so tightly for a reason..as long as I hold onto it, he can't hurt me again. My guard stays up and I'm on full alert. I hope this isn't the case. We can be getting along great one minute and it's like someone flipped a switch in me and we spend the rest of the night fighting. I'm so tired. It shouldn't be this hard to let go. I'm rooting for you, topperoff22. Hang in there!

Posts: 709 | Registered: Jul 2013
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THank you everyone. I want to read all of these again when I am more awake. They are so helpful and so encouraging. Thank you!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Topic Posts: 9

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