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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Almost a year out and having a hard time
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An alternative view, in a minor way...

If you want more time, tell that to your H and your IC. It's your time. (If they push for a decision nevertheless, I hope your decision is to split, since you can't do much of anything long term with an addict who continues to feed the addiction.)

If you don't want to split, IMO you really need to make sure you're not Rescuing (or enabling) your H's addiction and addictive behaviors. You also, IMO, need to define your boundaries.

Drinking once a month IS an improvement - but what's with the nightly 'fast food' runs? I have a very hard time seeing a way that could be healthy.

And what's with white-knuckling his addiction? I accept that his intentions are good, but that just doesn't work well at all.

If you're not ready to quit, so be it - but if you don't figure out what your limits are, and/or you don't keep yourself from being an enabler, you're doing yourself and your kids great disservices. You and they deserve better.

It's time to stop planning; it's time to act in the best interests of you and your family - and that includes your H.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10336 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, sisoon, but I do. I'm a co-dependent enabler. I'm trying to break up with him as I type this. Easy does it, I guess. I don't think he will believe me until I move out and break the lease we have....I don't think it will be smart to stay in this relationship. You know, I feel a sense of peace inside after telling him I'm done with him. I texted him he had a year to live a sober life and 60 days won't cut it. I told him I'm done. Bottom line, he's not ready to quit, and well, my first response WAS the right one. It's too late. That's what I told him on Dday #1. And, I was so happy and relieved I had proof that day. I wasn't crazy or a bitch. He was cheating on me for at least 3 years that he admits to, that I had proof of...

But, you're all so very right.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." -Stephen Chbosky (Perks of Being a Wallflower) This was my tag when I first joined. Funny, how I took it off...as I've been living a life of denial, shock, and disbelief. Well, I gave it almost a year. I did it and yes, liberty does rock! Sweet freedom.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:53 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the clarification, lib. I didn't realize how committed you are to changing what you're doing. I hope you give yourself a lot of credit for doing something difficult and not giving up. I sure do.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10336 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
boom2003
♀ New Member
Member # 40175
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Liberty-

1st off- your Buk tag line is something I reminded myself starting 5 years ago when my best friends died- it just left me for awhile and I'm glad you reminded me. I need to put the book back on my coffee table. :)

2nd I'm in a similar situation as all of you: almost a year. He's doing a lot of the "right" things yet at MC yesterday, I asked him if he would take a polygraph to let me know that I could believe him from now on (he's been asking me just to believe that he loves me after months of lying and blame shifting.

After we left the office he proclaimed that he wouldn't do it because it would just give me "ammunition". Like I don't have enough? Like this is some fucking game I'm playing just to see what he'll do for me?

He told me he doesn't like me much anymore. I said "Hey, when we get divorced you can tell everyone what a bitch I became after you cheated on me."

He actually thinks I'm doing things to punish him. What. The. Fuck.

I really don't feel like I know him at all anymore. After almost 13 years. I feel like I live with a stranger. The thing is, if he had just religiously read SI like I asked him to, he would know that all of this is normal from a betrayed person. I feel like I have to hold his hand and put in front of his face all the things that will make me feel better. No initiative.

What do you do when someone does most of the right things but only because you told them to? And then if one is out of their comfort zone they outright refuse? I've dealt with so many deal breakers so I don't even think I have any fucking reasonable boundaries left.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 24
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