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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Numb)))))) Hugs to you. I'm holding you in the *LIGHT*


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, SJ and Kat!

Here's to PEACE for us all tonight!!!

zzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnn.............


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
brknwmn
♀ Member
Member # 40603
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

filing for divorce next week. his SA ended up being too much for us. (he kept up the cheating) sad for my son...


Me: 26 BS Him: 29 WH
Together since Dec 2005
officially done 10-30-13

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((numb)))

I know what you mean. I think I would feel relief too in your position. Since H is in therapy, I keep waiting around for the other shoe to drop.


(((brknwmn))) I'm scared for my kids too. You know your son will at least have one healthy and (eventually) happy parent.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oldernotwiser - I sent you a private message about my feelings about porn in relation to Sex Addiction and healthy sexual attitudes. In a nutshell, from all I have read on porn usage in the last 6 months, it's rare that casual porn use and a healthy sexual relationship are compatible in the long run.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP re: key logger stuff. One way of looking at it is that the courts do not really care about infidelity or SA behavior as far as reason for divorce. The only thing this comes to play in is custody issues. This is what I was advised.

If you are using key logger and spyware as a way of keeping yourself safe, trusting but verifying, that is probably ok because - hey - you will have your information then and you don't really need to say you know and how you know. You can just proceed with divorce and not elaborate on why you are proceeding. You could de-install the spyware get on with your life.

My lawyer encouraged me to copy the data from an old phone SAWH has that he is no longer using that has conversations with his girlfriend and some porn portals on it. I'm not sure how he was intending to use this if it is inadmissible. He definitely indicated that the SA thing could be used to our sides advantage. Of course a lot of that depends on how contentious you want to get. Because once you go down that road it's not like you can do a u turn.

Anyway, things to think about. For the record, I am not pursuing divorce at this time.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 8:45 AM, November 1st (Friday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2013
UCLAMOM23
♀ New Member
Member # 36653
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{{numb}}}}}} Huge hugs to you and I'm thinking of you as you change course to a better life. I will keep you and your children in my thoughts.

DP - When I discovered that my SAH was cheating, I completely did a 180 and cut him off emotionally and physically from my life. He instantly transferred his sickness on to me and became obsessed that I was cheating on him. He began spying on me. He started planting tiny voice recorders around the house and in my car to get "evidence" that I was sleeping with someone. One day, I discovered a voice recorder taped under the back seat in the car. I called a friend of mine who works for a family lawyer and she told me that recording someone without their knowledge is considered stalking and is illegal. Her lawyer boss told her that I could get a restraining order against him because of it. Please tread lightly and be careful. As horribly unfair as this is, I certainly don't this to come back to hurt you later.


I am: BW 47 years
He is: WH 47 years and has suddenly realized that he's a sex addict

Married 19 years
Together for 25
3 sons: (17, 13, & 11)
D Day 1 - July 1997
D Day 2: 8/29/12


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: California
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WIF - could you please share that information (porn and healthy sexual relationship) with me too? I would appreciate it so much.
I am just starting this and I have really not looked into the porn issue at all, because it has not been an issue for us and my H has always said he doesn't use porn compulsively (of course that's when I still trusted his words) He doesn't act out with porn but with real life people. I wish it was porn ugh :( I want to start learning about this. My therapist also recommended the brain on porn website, anyone heard of it or have any insights on it?
Thank you so much


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((numb))) and (((brknwmn))) I'm sorry, this whole thing is just awful. ugh

Well I got some of the story about the secret email. After a shitty MC apt with the CSAT and him twisting things around on me last night I opened the door about talking about recovery and brought up the secret email. He admitted that he signed up for an email but "realized" it was wrong and hasn't used it. I've heard that before... That's all he's telling me. He then turned everything around on me and says that he doesn't feel safe because of all of my anger (that comes up about weekly) and is concerned that I don't want to be in R and the M with him. Will not talk to me about the email because he doesn't feel safe and doesn't have a sponsor and that there is too much emotional intensity. There was an undercurrent of a D threat by him, though he wouldn't admit it. I felt like I was back in a chess mind game with him - just like when he was acting out. I met with my sponsor and am working on detaching. sucks


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numb-So sorry! Awful as it is though I am relieved it did not drag out for years and years with him waffling and lovebombing etc and wasting more of your time and spirit.

Hath-Some seasons are just darker than others. In your case and mine and others, I think there is probably the question, "even if we put all the acting out past aside and even if we assume full, sustained recovery, do I fundamentally like this person anymore?" At least that has been my question, perhaps I am projecting onto you!

Spacejane-Not good. I don't think porn is part of recovery for any SA. I am fairly negative on masturbation too though I can at least see there that perhaps some subset can maintain recovery with it. But porn is a step back into the fantasy world. And the browser thing is unacceptable -- it is the equivalent of deleting, a violation of your boundaries. I think you should enforce your consequences.

As for me, things have been a little better on the marital front. H has been a rock for me during some health issues I have been having and it has made me remember his kindness and generosity -- believe it or not, while in the beginning he had somewhat of a self-focus he was also very kind and caring--he was not always the selfish a-hole he became during his addictive years. It is nice to remember that.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, ladies, here we go.....

This is my latest.

Tonight, he told me that he's been thinking for the last couple of days and that now he wants to go to therapy.

I think he was testing my reaction this morning when he asked me if I wanted to practice telling the kids about the D tonight. I said yes. Previously, we have practiced and I usually break down crying and can't finish. Then he says that we don't have to get D'd and I give in.

So we talked tonight. Two nights ago, he said that he wanted to go to MC. I said no, not until you do IC/group. He refused. I asked if we were getting D'd and he said yes. I said I would call my L in the morning. Now he is saying he will do IC, I said no, you must do group therapy (for SA). He said no. I said ok. As I was leaving, he said he would consider group therapy if it would make a difference (always gauging what my reaction will be). I said I had no comment. He knocked on my bedroom door later, but I was taking a bath and didn't answer.

I don't think this changes my plan (i.e., to D him), but it sure fucks with me. I am tired of him jerking me around. He's wasted 2 years of my life with this shit. I am tired and want out.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Numb))) I am so sorry. It sounds like you have your answer. I am glad you aree strong enough to see your worth and do what's right for you.

I have been reading the thread but I have so little time right now to respond to others who are also hurting. My special needs kid is blowing up again and it is taking up a lot of time to address. But know I am thinking of you all and holding you in the light.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
UCLAMOM23
♀ New Member
Member # 36653
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Numb}}}}} Sorry if this is full of typos...I'm using my phone to write this. Your SAH is playing games with you and your emotions. Mine did this after the first affair and turned it back on me. HE is the one with the addiction and HE should be doing any and all things that you reasonably want him to do to stay in fhe marriage. Stay strong in your convictions and follow through if he doesn't do the right thing. (I know... easy for me to say.)

You're in my thoughts.


I am: BW 47 years
He is: WH 47 years and has suddenly realized that he's a sex addict

Married 19 years
Together for 25
3 sons: (17, 13, & 11)
D Day 1 - July 1997
D Day 2: 8/29/12


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: California
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your support, Ladies!!!!

Now he says he will go to group (SA) therapy. He is supposed to start tomrrow. I am done with him, but I am hoping it will help my kids. I am not going to tell him this.

I still haven't heard from my L and I'm not sure if I can get our court date moved earlier than when it currently is (January), so I figure I have nothing to lose with having him go to group since our court date isn't for a couple of months. I've put up with this for 2 years, I can hang in for a couple more months.... Give me strength......

Hugs to all.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numb, I'm sorry you've had to deal with it for so long. For me, my D-Day was two months ago but I'm ready for WS to get out. He started moving out on Friday and today he moved more stuff.

What gets me is that he keeps coming home and hugging me, trying to kiss me, telling me he loves me, trying to look in my eyes...but it was he who decided to move out!

Last night he had been away from home all day preparing his new place, but he came here to sleep because he 'couldn't sleep there yet' and asked if he could sleep in the same bed with me.

I allowed it only because I knew I'd fall asleep quickly and am trying to keep peace and let this happen with some dignity rather than angry, screaming fights...but it did make me mad that he wanted me to wrap my arms around him so he could fall asleep that way. I rolled over and went to sleep immediately.

I will be glad when all his stuff is out (another couple of days will do it) and he doesn't have any more excuses to come here to sleep and hope to snuggle with me!


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numb…

One thing I think is important to consider is that no matter what happens to the marriage, it's in the best interest of the kids that he go into therapy. As my MC said, don't you want to see who the father of your kids REALLY is? Is he a guy who can fix this? Or is he a guy who is going to let SA take over his future?

SLAA has been great for my SAWH. He said the hardest part was the first couple of meetings. He really dragged his feet about going…the only reason he went is because MC made it a "goal" that by a certain time he would go to a meeting. At first he did the rounds and tried a few meetings. He finally found one where there were some guys with similar issues (long term affair or affairs with one person + porn addiction + fantasy/ obsession/anger/ego/selfishness + allowing all other aspects of life - family, career, etc. go down the tube while caught up in this).

I've seen some big changes. The best part is he realizes he is not the only person with this kind of problem, that all walks of life have issues (doesn't matter rich/poor/professional). He also likes knowing that people have hit rock bottom like he did (gosh, I sure as hell hope that is as rock bottom as it gets!!!) and turned their lives around and still a number of years later are going to the meetings to keep themselves in check. Also he told me that some of the guys are married and their marriages survived. Again…all kinds of situations - some with wives that stayed at home with the kids and some who have big careers (who one would think wouldn't be putting up with this nonsense).

My husband is also seeing a CSAT and a psychiatrist as well. With MC thrown in the mix, he gets a total of 4 hours of therapy/week. He's also doing a lot of reading and working out.

I've seen big changes with him. I used to think of Divorce 24x7. Now not as much. I am still going to make my final decision around the one year mark just to make sure this is what I want to be signed up for.

I'm not saying you should/should not back off on the D at this time. That is your decision - only YOU know best. You can always file and then pull the plug on it later on if things are going well. GL.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are using key logger and spyware . . .


Sorry, hit send too soon. - Hope

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 8:42 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops, please disregard previous message. Hit sent too soon.

If you are using key logger and spyware as a way of keeping yourself safe, trusting but verifying, that is probably ok because - hey - you will have your information then and you don't really need to say you know and how you know. You can just proceed with divorce and not elaborate on why you are proceeding. You could de-install the spyware get on with your life.

I can't imagine the motivation for posting something like the above. You can't just uninstall key logger software. That is impossible.

Spyware is illegal. Please do not encourage anyone to even think of using it.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to get into a cyber argument over this…but yes, it can be removed. It's not easy and you have to make sure you completely delete all of the files and their directories. It also requires more PC knowledge than most casual PC users possess. But it can be done. This is something to think about BEFORE you embark on this, obviously. So yes, Hope is correct in warning to not go there. But it can be removed. Everything I have read about this indicates as such (I have a minor in computer science if that makes a difference - however my skills are not market current at this time - but I do understand installation and deinstallation of software onto a pc hard drive ).

ETA: I really wasn't encouraging anyone to do anything…I was just throwing out another option to think about. As with any info on gathered anywhere (especially the internet), I'd definitely investigate and verify and do a test on my own before attempting. And really, if it comes down to that, is that really what you want to be doing with your time? That is what I have asked myself often during the course of this awful experience. There - that is another option to consider. I apologize if I have offended anyone. It was not my intent.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 2:15 AM, November 4th (Monday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to make sure that no one here make the same mistake here that I did.

Key logging software, like everything else, always remains on the hard drive. I know this because the judge ruled for a forensic analysis of STBX's computer. I have spoken with numerous computer forensic analysis experts throughout the past several months.

This is EXTREMELY serious stuff. It is ILLEGAL to intercept data surreptitiously from another person.

I don't have any ethical problems about spying on a cheating spouse. But crossing the line and breaking the law is something else entirely. It turns you into the bad guy, even if you don't know it's illegal. So I just want to make sure that everyone here knows it. I wish I had known it! More and more of these cases are making their way into court, both civil and criminal, local and federal.

And yes, my STBX is NPD and crazy, but so are the vast majority of spouses represented her on this thread. Most seem way worse than my STBX to be perfectly honest. My STBX hid these traits very well before our Separation. My STBX is living proof that a divorce can change someone dramatically and bring out nasty traits that no one previously knew existed. Some people will stoop to ANYTHING during a divorce.

-Hope


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
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