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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sodamnlost, He says he wants to stop. Has plans on going to a group therapy somewhere. I never pushed it because it didn't want to believe it was true. He has done wonders the past 3 months, a new man. But it's an addiction. I cannot stick around for the relapses. This is all just too much. I had finally started moving past the affair. Able to handle the mental movies of him with her. Now I have pictures of him with a friends wife, and then the faceless prostitutes.

For his own sake I truly hope he can find help. But I can't come back from this. The man he has been the past 3 months is everything I have wanted. But I don't believe in that or him anymore. I NEVER saw the prostitutes coming. I am still in shock.


WH -37
BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
EA DDay 9/23/13; PA DDay 10/21/13
DDay 3 1/27/14. SA diagnosis DDay 4 - 4/14/14 relapse in addiction.
Do I have the strength for this???

Posts: 192 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I ran out of patience again. This morning I told him that either he works a program or we are done. He said, Ok and walked away.

I'm looking for a new place to live. I've blocked him on facebook and deleted his email addresses from my iphone (I had been monitoring them). I'd take him off my phone plan but we just upgraded his phone so I'm on the hook for the early termination fee.

Please help me stay strong this time. I am tired of being second class. I'm tired of always waiting for the next episode of acting out. I'm just plain tired.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CM... I'm so sorry. This is so mind boggling, that they can be so destructive to people they claim to love. Please practice self care, put yourself first. Hugs.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Kat.

I just got so tired of watching him run so far and so fast so he doesn't have time to work on himself. He's working full time, he's in a play at my theatre so he has rehearsal 5 nights a week, he's now taking an acting class at my theatre every Thursday. He's made damn good and sure he doesn't have time to go to AA, to read about SA, to do any of the projects at home that have been sitting undone for a YEAR! And I am sick and tired of watching him in his little down time spending HOURS on his laptop researching the most arcane and useless information. But spend NOT. ONE. SECOND. on SA.

And I'm tired of all the little subtle "Fuck you's" he does. He knows it drives me crazy to have clutter. So, where are his dirty clothes? On the floor surrounding the laundry basket. Not IN the basket, on the floor next to it. Shoes on the couch, shit everywhere. You can't even SEE the top of his dresser. Our shower pipes have needed replacing for a year. We have a trash bag duct taped to the shower wall. For a YEAR. He's been supposed to change the oil in my car for 3 months now. The oil and filter are sitting in the carport. I'm going to have to go to Lex Brodie and pay them to do it. When he is at rehearsal until 9:30 PM he gets mad if I haven't cooked dinner for him. But when I have to work a 13 hour day and get home at 9:30 is there dinner for ME? Fuck no! It's "can you pick something up on your way home?" Or, "I had cereal. Are you hungry?" So many little fuck you's every day.

But let anyone else call him with the smallest problem and he is off like a shot. Super SAWH! Your KISA! He's got another pathetic needy stalker on his FB. She "likes" absolutely EVERY. SINGLE. THING. he posts within minutes of it being posted. She told him that she was hoping they would get together if we split up. But he refuses to admit that there might be an issue there.

So, I blocked him on FB. I deleted his email addresses from my iphone. He changed his Yahoo password this morning and tried to give me the new password. I just responded, "I deleted your email from my phone. I no longer need the password."

He's in hoover mode. I'm just reminding myself over and over what he ISN'T doing for me. Or for him. Or for us.

I got a referral from a friend to a therapist. I'm going to call and make an appointment right now.

[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 4:30 PM, January 31st (Friday)]


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Complete passive aggressive shit. Hugs honey. Pay the early termination fee and drop his phone.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
alleyk
♀ Member
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few questions:

How can you be sure whether or not your spouse is a sex addict?

Isn't a certain amount of porn/fantasy healthy?

and...

Does anyone have experience on what is the best Mac computer hidden tracker software is?


Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allyk,

Ultimately, the SA diagnosis should be made by a licensed professional however, there are some tests available on line that can be taken that will give you an idea of if you are dealing with SA or not.

Healthy porn and fantasy do not exist with SA. Sex is their drug of choice so when they are actively involved in their addiction they are constantly seeking out that high that they get with using. Porn and fantasy become ways to act out in order to get high. SA is an intimacy disorder and most of them have very poor coping skills. Until they become sober, their views on sex and anything related to it are anything but, healthy.

I don't know about the software question you asked as I'm a techno dummy but, you can go into the Investigative Tips forum and ask. There are a lot of very tech savvy folks in there that could probably help you.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alleyk, so sorry you even have to consider the question. As to the Mac question, I don't know, either, I'm a PC and never used a software tracker...

The Investigative Tips forum opens up to you once you have 50 legitimate posts...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

checking back in....


In a nutshell I told H that I can no longer do this, as in be his wife. I can't wait for the next THING to happen.

He has only went to one counseling session since Jan 13 (when I confronted about the excessive masturbation and porn use).

My Mom had my kids for one night this past weekend. I left Saturday and didn't come home till Sunday. We have discussed not being accountable to each other. I told him that I wanted him only to contact me while I was gone if there was a true emergency.

I relaxed, laughed but still felt weird trying to stick to the new ground rules of our weird separation....still under same roof, haven't announced to anyone.

I didn't come home waiting to get a hold of his "porn phone" to see what he has been up to, that is a sigh of relief for me. I asked H how he felt about me being gone. He told me that he was lonely. He said that I was with friends and other people still contact me. He didn't interact with anyone. No close friends or family. I am it for him. So I guess he missed my company?

Is it typical for an addict to not have any close personal ties with other people?

BTW, he does not believe he is an addict or that the 15 yrs of porn has done anything to his brain.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3277 | Registered: Apr 2009
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it typical for an addict to not have any close personal ties with other people?

SA is an intimacy disorder so yeah - I'm guessing most don't have real relationships with anyone but their drug. Both my ex and current WH are SA's and neither was super close with any friends. Current SAWH has no real friends, he was pretty close to his mom when we met but that changed after he moved here.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some help, helping my daughter. She is 13 and while I adore her, she owns some super high bitch boots when she wants to. She has been pushing boundaries with me and with SAWH for a few years now. At first I assumed puberty. Now, with our house feeling like Jerry springer off and on for the last 16 months and her having had 3 major ear surgeries and another one soon - she's out of control. She starts counseling end of this month but I need some help sooner.

Some background - she doesn't know SAWH is a SA but knows about his one long affair. He is her stepdad but has been living with us since she was 5. She does see her biological dad sometimes but has often said SAWH is more like her Dad.

I have been restablishing my boundaries with her for awhile and the disrespect has toned down quite a bit. SAWH can't seem to set boundaries with ANYONE. She talks to him like he is her servant, often being sarcastic, mean and disrespectful. I correct her when I am around but that's not always the case.

I feel like I am in the middle. I want to protect my daughter, SAWH has hurt her deeply, her disrespect is warranted. BUT - I can't have her talking to him like that. Any suggestions on how to talk to her without seeming like I am taking SAWH's side? I also don't want to go behind his back and talk bad about him. While I don't see us actually reconciling, for now - he is her stepdad and my husband.

Suggestions?


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@hit...I second what SDL said. SAs typically don't have close friends. My SAFWH didn't. His APs were surface friends, transitory, knowing only his fantasy self. He even thought the "favorite" strippers were his friends, not realizing they were looking only for his money.

@sdl, what a tough position to be in. Is there any way you can have a heart to heart with her? Tell her some of the truth without all of it burdening her? I think its all too possible some of her rebellion stems from the family dysfunction. Usually in an addictive family, one member plays the role of the scapegoat, drawing attention to herself to deflect from to other problems. Are you on family counseling?

There is a very good reason sex addiction is called a family disease.

Here is a great website describing the dynamics.
http://www.recoveredfamily.com/codependency/codependency-and-family-roles.aspx


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
fooledbyapilot
♀ Member
Member # 26349
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH downloads still pictures of young girls. He is 52 and the woman are very young, I am guessing 18-20. He sorts them in folders by their name, if he doesn't know their name he would sort them by blond, hot, etc.

We have been together for 33 years and in the early days before the internet, I would find hundreds of playboy and in particular playboy lingerie.

So once the internet came about it became downloading. So the first time I caught this, it was all stored on CD's and back up drives. Well over 1,000,000 images. We talked and he said he would stop. Well it never has. This has been a cat and mouse game now. Yesterday I caught it again, got the download stick, and it had 5,000 images that had been downloaded over 4 days. This takes hours and hours to do, as he searches, looks, decides what to download, sorts them and then moves them from his laptop over to the backup stick.

It is almost like a ritual. He says he never goes back to the jump drive to look, as he is busy downloading new ones.

Has anyone ever heard of this??? It seems compulsive to me, almost like OCD.

As a side note, he will also do this with things that aren't young naked girls. Whatever his interest is that week, leather bags, house designs, etc.

I am just curious if anyone out there sees this as SA behaviour.


ME(BS):47 HIM (WS):50
WS Married 21 yrs together 33
dd#1- nov 16, 2009
DD#2-went out NYE 2009-found out Feb 2012
DD#2-Feb 5, 2010-date they had(found out Feb 2012)
dd#3 - June 16, 2010-broke NC
dd#4-Dec 31, 2010-broke contact
DD#5-Feb 21, 201

Posts: 186 | Registered: Nov 2009
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Howdy all. I have been MIA for a while. Trying to keep up with all the posts, so forgive me if I missed anyone.

How can you be sure whether or not your spouse is a sex addict?

Isn't a certain amount of porn/fantasy healthy?

Asked and answered already, yes there are quizzes online that are good tools, but a CSAT would have to make the diagnosis (and that takes time, tests, and therapy to determine, not a one time thing). And yes, for most people some porn or fantasy is normal. Not for SAs. They do it to the volume and importance of everything else. Kind of like the difference between a social drinker and an alcoholic.

Is it typical for an addict to not have any close personal ties with other people?

I also concur as SA is an intimacy disorder, yes it is common for them not to have close ties to other people. They may or may not perceive they do, but in reality they don't really.

Has anyone ever heard of this??? It seems compulsive to me, almost like OCD.

As a side note, he will also do this with things that aren't young naked girls. Whatever his interest is that week, leather bags, house designs, etc.

I am just curious if anyone out there sees this as SA behaviour.

I am going out on a limb and assuming that he does not usually collect 1,000,000 images of leather bags or whatever else is his passing interest that week. The hoarding in general is a type of OCD behavior. But the collecting of that many sexual images is usually an indicator of SA. Usually when they are older and start with the paper stuff, it takes longer for it to escalate to other things. But after a while they all escalate. They may or may not escalate with other live people, but they may start looking at porn at work, at church, while babysitting an infant, etc and sooner or later bad things happen. They get fired, they get arrested for inadvertently viewing kiddie porn, etc. When you collect that kind of volume of porn, bad things happen.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SDL)))) That must be awful. My oldest is only 10, but she's starting that tween stuff already. Here's some suggestions that work for me, YMMV since I am dealing with a younger one.

First, a couple of years ago I aligned how I communicate my expectations of behavior with the rules of their school, for the benefit of the younger sibs having trouble. Basically the motto is "Be respectful, responsible, and safe" and everything ties back to that. My middle DD, then 6, asked, well what if I am not sure if something is one of those three?" and I impulsively said to ask herself two questions: Would God be happy if I did this, and would Mom be proud of me if I did this? (You can substitute anyone important to your DD for God or Mom, LOL). At the time I was just appealing to what was important to that kid and what she could understand. I greatly underestimated how valuable it would be for the other two as well, and how much it has continued to be helpful for all three.

Basically, the kids understand all behavior must adhere to these principles. When they go astray, we discuss how they apply to the three rules and two questions. As the oldest DD10 gets mouthy and acting rotten as tweens are want to do , I remind her of this but expand on it. It is part of being in this family. It is part of growing up. It is part of expectations you have to receive privileges she gets from being older. And it is part of being a good person. One must support a healthy environment for the benefit of all, etc.

Then my other suggestion is to find different ways to open up dialog about her frustrations with WS with you. Talking about it while driving in the car, or texting, seems to work well with a lot of teens. Not as scary as talking face to face, and that is how the communicate with their peers anyway. Something to think about anyway.

Hugs. I hope it gets better. I can only imagine.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It looks like he's had affairs as well as internet porn? That adds a level that changes my opinion.

SA is categorized by the compulsivity and, usually the escalation of activities. SAs gradually need more and more extreme stimulation to become aroused.

Even if what he is doing isn't SA behavior, if its unacceptable to you, you have the right to ask him to stop. Spouses of SAs or spouses in dysfunctional relationships tend to feel like we don't have that right. We do.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the suggestions. I did have a chat with DD13 and I think we have reached some form of compromise. I told her she the right to set a boundary on SAWH and her being emotionally close. I also told her he is her stepdad, he supports the house and does a lot to help the house function (3 Great Danes, 5 kids at home, 3 of which are VERY involved in extracurricular activities) and because of this she cannot disrespect him. I told her she is very much entitled to her feelings and she is welcome to share them with me. We talked a tad more about her feelings and I think she feels better now. It's so strained between them it breaks my heart. I can't wait for family counseling to start.


The hoarding in general is a type of OCD behavior. But the collecting of that many sexual images is usually an indicator of SA

I could be wrong but I thought some OCD things appear in their rituals?

I am working on my boundaries list and will review it with my IC at my first appointment. I had a CSAT but she is the only one in my area so SAWH now sees her. She recommended this IC for me. Anyways, I was wondering if anyone here who has done boundaries with their IC/CSAT would be willing to look mine over before I show them to her? I would like it to go through PM, since SAWH has an account and I was told to show IC before him. He has a history of using SI to gain "inelegance" so to speak - using it to manipulate and gaslight me.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Autumn22
♀ New Member
Member # 41810
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sodamnlost, I'm so new here and haven't had the energy to even share my whole story here yet. But I do have worked with a CSAT to create boundaries. Being so new, I cannot send you a PM but I would be willing to share what I have if it would be of interest. I think I can pm if you reach out to me first. Just offering...

ScaredyKat, thanks for posting the link regarding family roles. I found it very interesting and definitely need to start exploring this area more.

As a quick intro, my WH was diagnosed with SA this Spring. The majority of his acting out involved pushing my boundaries to fulfill his sexual tastes and excessive/secret porn veiwing/compulsive masturbation. About a year and a half ago, I finally put my foot down regarding my sexual boundaries. SAWH white-knuckled it for about 3 months before starting down a slippery slope towards acting out outside our marriage. In April, he acted out in a way that violated the last bit of trust and respect I held for him. Fortunately(?), this event seemed to finally break thru 15 years of blame shifting, gaslighting, and denial. He sought help in figuring out what was happening and pretty quickly, he was diagnosed as an SA. Honestly, the 9 months since then have been more traumatic and damaging to me and our relationship than the 14 years leading up to them. And...here I am. So sorry that everyone else is here too, but very glad for the company of others who understand this special sort of hell.


Me: BW 44
Him: PA/SA newly in recovery 41
Married in 2000
D-Day: Too many to recall, but the camel's back broke in April 2013

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013
atkkcc
♀ New Member
Member # 42388
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if my WH is a sex addict or not. I just found out that he been unfaithful throughout our 14 years married and before. He says he only slept with about six people. Although he can of recall. The first one before we were married. He meets the. In internet chat room when he is out of town and has them come to his motel room. So basically a ons. The very last one he was trying to start a relationship with chatted with her several times took her to dinner. Well she gave him a fake phone number. He has blamed me for all of this. He says it all because of how I treated him durning our marriage.
So do you think he is a sex addict and us simply lying about the number if women? I know no one can no for sure but just based on th info I provided.


Me 35
WH 40
Kids 4
Married 14 years

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry akkcc. One of the biggest problems with internet diagnosis is that they are seldom accurate. The media has had a field day with sex addiction and there are many misconceptions.
Only a certified sex addiction therapist can make that diagnosis. There are screening tests online that should only be used as a starting point.
If someone has a diagnosis, at no point is it an excuse, simply a place to start to STOP the dysfunction. The addict has to want to change,no one else can do it for them.

Hugs to you. If you suspect this, get help for yourself. In any event do not put up with his cheating. No one should stay with someone who continually disrespects them in this way, not to mention puts them at risk for disease.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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