Sorry you SAWH got spooked. My SAFWH won't come here unless forced . I think he may read some of my posts. Probably scares him off, too!
He seems to understand this but says he wants to try even after I tell him that I am just drained. He tells me he has contacted a counselor to address his porn/gaming/infidelity issues.
I want him to be a emotionally healthy person because he should be but no matter what I do not think I could trust him.
He says he has not looked at porn and has handed over his gaming login to someone else. I'm just not sure it matters at this point.
Holding you in the ******LIGHT********
I see that he fights to control anger and is trying not to be too overbearing but he is pressuring me to reunite. I think he may be moving in the right direction but he is not there yet.
He still is showing control behaviors and impatience. He still hasn't really "come out" to his friends and family.
I have given up trying to help him and I am helping me now. I have cut off contact with him and told him I need alone time. If he doesn't agree to or submit a rebuttal to the separation agreement by Feb 1, my attorney is going to file for D so ball is in his court now.
we may divorce but I realize now that I would not be losing the marriage I thought I had. That marriage is not and can never be possible with him.
As I read your post, my eyes opened and my mouth dropped. My WS also had a major problem always with overscheduling, "trying to stuff 10 lbs of stuff in a 9-lb bag" as I always told him. I didn't realize this was a characteristic of SA's! I should have known. He scheduled himself for work the same day he was having his wisdom teeth out!
cds22 & marlie2014 I must tell you that when I read your posts about overscheduling, I just about fell off my chair. I hd NO IDEA that was a hallmark of SAs. My SAH ALWAYS oversheduled to the point where people didn't want to be around us. He literally couldn't sit still and when we were home, he was frenetically working on multiple different projects/hobbies simultaneously. It was CRAZY and I dreaded going on vacations because we would be dragged around to 10 different activities in one day and the kids would be begging to slow down.
I finally told him that I refused to go anywhere with him if he continued to do that, and he finally agreed to slow down on our vacations. (This was before I found out about his SA.)
Now that he is in recovery, he is very calm and doesn't rush around doing things frantically anymore. Sometimes, it's a struggle for him to just be still, but he is managing ok.
We have a friendship now that we never had when we were "married," even though we live together as roommates. We are better parents, partners, etc., and I actually enjoy spending time with him. He is very supportive and complimentary. (When he as secretly acting out, he as sarcastic, critical, dismissive, and an all-around ass.) I miss the physical aspects of our relationship, but I really just can't put myself out there. He appears to be sober -- he goes to meetings and IC -- and he wants to be a couple again, but I just feel so demoralized and used and bitter by his prior behaviors.
Anyway, I'm rambling, but no one really understands this mess other than this group.
Hugs to all of you.
Married 19 years
Together for 25
3 sons: (17, 13, & 11)
D Day 1 - July 1997
D Day 2: 8/29/12
Medication and self awareness helped my SAFWH significantly in all areas.
PS I think you would be proud of me. I've been looking into legal things and WS is cooperating so far. I'm having to play nice and can't really maintain NC at the moment, but I'm making it work for me. My IC thought it was a great idea that I told him "no more loans, but I will pay you for services rendered" and have had my car washed, the dog bathed, the yard cleaned, repairs done on my roof, etc. etc. I can't initiate NC until the citizenship appointment (which is only weeks away! :-)) so this is how I'm dealing with him meanwhile so that he stays happy and cooperative. Afterwards, the gloves can come off.
I think it is not necessarily a "hallmark" of SA. I *do* think that pre-discovery, SA's do APPEAR overscheduled, because they want to throw the scent off their REAL activities. If you had total access of what they were really doing with their time, "overscheduled" would be a stretch. Then post-discovery, suddenly they give the appearance of overscheduling because they are in denial about what they need to do to get better. I'm doing X, Y, and Z...how can I possibly go to IC, group therapy, and two twelve step meetings, do all the things you ask for, etc...
I'm just saying this is what I see 2.5 years out, and not just in my case. If you asked me much closer to DD...I would have said, wow, yeah, he always took on more than he could really handle. Now I know he never did, and it was just part of the pattern of lies that IS the hallmark of SA.
YMMV. Just sayin'.
Actually, things are going really great here. Which is why I don't have as much time to visit SI as often. Funny how when you get your life back, that happens.
My SAWH didn't mind going to CSAT therapy and seeing his psychiatrist 1x/week but could never make it to a SA or SLA meeting. A good friend of mine raised the issue of narcissism being in play - that narcissists LOVE therapy because it focuses on them of course!!!
As far as starting to go to SA meetings, there was never one that was the right time - not during the work day or not after work to where it would not interfere with work he had to do in the evening or being with the kids. At least that was what his excuses were. It wasn't until this was brought up in MC that this was addressed. I was reluctant to bring this up because in the co-dependent model that is embraced by so many therapists, we're not supposed to be focused on what the addict is doing/not doing…we're supposed to be focused on ourselves. I'm glad our MC read between the lines of what I was saying and was assertive about it with my husband, getting him to agree in my presence that getting to a meeting will be a goal that will happen by a certain time frame. And it did and he discovered that the meetings are helpful and there are guys like him - intelligent, successful men - and - not that it is a contest - worse things happened to them before they got help because they let themselves get even more out of control than my husband's case.
Meeting these guys at couples' meetings...they are men of character and integrity, and my SAFWH is becoming that person, too. He learns from them, and in turn, is beginning to reach out to newcomers. He is also kept in check, reminded about the danger of relapse, the realities of SA by the people who have lost their families, their homes, businesses, health, EVERYTHING to their addiction.
There is a real serenity to people in longterm sobriety. I see it in my brother, recovered heroin addict, 15 years. And I'm beginning to see it in SAFWH.
Your post makes me smile! I've seen so many positive changes in my SAFWH as well however, it's really hard to keep that in perspective when most of the time my focus is on all the lingering issues that ran his life off the rails to begin with. Your post is a good reminder that we need to see and acknowledge the work they are doing and the men they are striving to be. Maybe as trust returns that will be a little easier and hopefully can stay in the forefront.
Hath, it was good to "see" you and I'm really happy that things seem to be going well for you! I've had missymomma on my mind and was wondering how she is doing. While I'm very thankful the panic mode for me has subsided to a large degree, I miss the frequent posts we had here for so long. I always got great comfort from someone's words of wisdom and have always been encouraged to see so many here actually making it with their SAFWH. I knew I could keep on keeping on in a marriage devoid of communication and feelings because, over the years I acclimated to it and it is what I just assumed a 30+ year marriage was. Now, going forward the challenge has been to deal with the hurt of the massive betrayal and actually try to build a real marriage out of the ashes.
I think we are doing well, all things considered. I wish I could get past triggering so hard at....whatever make me do that The anniversary of dday is 4 weeks away and I dread it. Don't know why but, I do. H says he is excited to know that he will be celebrating 1 year of sobriety as of then. While Im very proud of him, I wish I could be excited with him. It just still hurts too much.
I cannot celebrate sobriety anniversaries. He was aupposed to be faithful to me since 1979. Where is my celebration, accolade,etc. for honoring my vows.
If he had not chosen recovery I would have had no option but to D forcing me out of my home and losing much of what I had worked to hard for over the years we have been together. I am thankful that he is choosing to be a man of character again. I still hope that it's not too late to make a difference for the marriage.
I told him a few things last time and felt guilty even about answering those questions, because I have only negative things to say. There are no positives to relate..."how is my Dad doing" has no good answer, "What is he doing for work" also has a bad answer..."is he trying to change," no, he's escalating.
Poor kid. He finally got to speak with his father a few nights ago when WS came over and I related the gist of the conversation to him (plus the stepson's recent insane plan to 'move back in with Dad' with the misguided thought that it might help him). I do believe he managed to convince his son that moving in with him would NOT be possible or even a remotely good idea at this time and to stay safely where he is, far, far away in the US. I still think that my stepson has no clue that his father was screwing teenage girls or that he had sex with the girl whom he had hoped to make his girlfriend. But at least he knows now about his one half-sibling and the other one on the way.
I had a quick question. From my post way back, my H was basically discharged from individual CSAT to focus on marital therapy. He will still see his CSAT once every six weeks is our plan.
So, met with and liked the marital therapist. However, on my end, she said if one person is contemplating leaving and has voiced that she asks them to commit not to take that action or threaten it during some set amount of time so the therapy can be effective. This does NOT apply if the SA relapses, acts out, violates boundaries. So, I feel like I have had one foot out the door since I found out-- literally stuck in the doorway!! How long does one commit to? I see her point that it is a barrier to marital therapy if one person isn't really committing to work hard and at least give it a chance to work. But on the other hand I can't even figure out how long I would want to tie my own hands. I was thinking that realistically I would need to give it 18-24 months to see if marital therapy allows us to make progress and if couples recovery is occurring or not.
What do you all think? Did anyone have to make a similar quasi-commitment?
[This message edited by cds22 at 5:51 PM, January 27th (Monday)]
For example, he didn't go to a 12-step group once during that time and clearly six months is long enough to find a group and get into a routine. Nor did he work on being part of the family or paying off debt.
I think it was just the right amount of time. It was long enough to give him a fair chance but not so long that I felt trapped.
Then last night. It all came tumbling down, that house of cards. The Affair that hurt me so badly was just the last in a long line. He had another OW in August. Then admitted to "getting a happy ending" when he was on the road and got a massage in his room. And it wasn't just a couple of times. It was all the time he was traveling. Which has pretty much been for the past 8 years.
Then he admitted to being with a girl 2 weeks before our wedding.
I am in shock. He is also a narcissist and hid this so well. I truly did not see this coming.
I'm sitting here right now just trying to remember to breathe. I have 3 kids to take care of. I don't know this man.
He tells me he is in recovery and has been 150% committed for the past 3 months. But how can three months make up for the past 13 years?
I don't know what to do.
My story is much like yours. Found out about one affair in 9/12, found out he was a SA 12/13. It's overwhelming to say the least. There are some amazing books listed on the first page. Betrayal Bonds was a huge one for me. Does he want to stop? Has he found a CSAT? Attended any 12 step groups? I found my own CSAT and only had two sessions with her but it does help.