Are YOU seeing a CSAT? I've said it before - honest to God, the spouse needs the CSAT more than the addict does. While it all depends on whether the addict really accepts they are an addict and surrender to the program to see any progress...the spouse is critically wounded and will almost always benefit from (valid) therapy.
Have you already consulted a L, done the STD tests, gotten meds, etc? These things are critical to your self care.
My battery is about to die, but I had to respond. Holding you in the light...
I told him that I am not sure if I want to be married to him. We haven't had sex in I can't remember when and even when we did it was very mechanical, no kissing.
He says that he is attracted to me and wants to stay married. His actions do not match his words. Not attempting sex, not working on why we aren't, not building trust since we R'd in October of 2010.
If I were him claiming to want the marriage I would have tried to show me that.
He could have:
-handed over or smashed the device he uses for porn.
-turned the iphone over and got a cheap flip phone without internet access.
-googled info about porn addiction
None of these things he did.
He swears he will never watch porn again. I have a hard time believing this. How can you quit a 15 yr addiction over night?
I told him that I really do not know if I can ever be sexual with him again. I care/love him but I am not sexually attracted to him.
Since the big talk last night he has been very quiet. He called off work today, went to the gym.
He also is addicted to an online multiple player game. I told him how tired I am of seeing the top of his head every night for hours as he plays the game on his iphone. He offered to turn over his login information to a fellow teammate. I would have expected him to say, "I'll quit the game." Instead he still places so much value in it that he would give his acct to someone else.
He obviously didn't do that anyway. He is still playing it today.
I didn't offer suggestions about the porn/gaming addiction. I would want him to do that himself. I can't do any part of this for him.
I am currently a SAHM. I need to seek out schooling or employment ASAP.
oh, more thing...what is the likely hood this 15 yr porn addiction was only porn? Yes, he had affairs but he denies any cyber sex chat, hookup sites, or ever paying for porn.
It is now 5:30pm. I tell him last night that I am not sure that I want to be married. He hasn't done ONE thing today. Hasn't asked me how I am feeling, Hasn't told me that he wants MC or IC, hasn't looked up one thing about porn addiction. Meanwhile I have found message boards all about recovery. Nope, not a damn thing.
[This message edited by hitbyatruck at 4:30 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]
You have the right idea. His acting out has spanned years. I don't think he can simply quit. Not without specialized CSAT help and without 12 step work. His "quitting" will only be temporary.
You have to detach, plan for YOUR future. Addicts lie, and do so very well. Recovery for you is the only thing you can count on.
As Hath says, find a CSAT for yourself. Protect yourself.
I feel bad not telling him that I will stick with him through anything but I am emotionally drained.
It is sad. But I guess what I realized is that "they" are not in there. The guy I promised to stand by, the guy I promised to help disappeared into the addiction. And I never promised to destroy myself at his expense.
Addicts are users. They use the very people they propose to love. There comes a time when we have to be selfish. God knows we were selfLESS long enough.
(((((HUGS))))) to you all and a very sad welcome to the newcomers. You will find much support and wisdom here. You just have to find your resolve to do what needs to be done.
Be patient. I'm sure someone else will come along soon. Many of our group have young kids that need their attention....
SInce then he cries a lot. He cries as he hugs are children goodbye before work, before bed. Not enough for them to notice but he is still doing it.
It does break my heart that he is in such pain. I am worried about being guilted into trying again. He is putting this all on me. He understands that his actions have caused me to feel this way but he wants to try.
It's time to be selfish. And in doing so giving him the best gift you can. The freedom to make the choice to recover or not. He is the only one that can do this.
I sound like a broken record... Living with an active sex addict is soul crushing. Don't do it for your sake and for the sake of your children.
He's probably never even heard of SA. Also will quickly dismiss any conversation regarding it. Even with credit card records showing porn subscriptions, adult stores, admitted hooker ONS, etc.
Do I just come out and say, "I think you may be a SA" You likely have compulsions far beyond making "A" bad decision that involved arranging a craigslist hookup with a prostitute?
I had never heard of SA and I've been in the medical profession for 34 years. A couple of days after dday, when I had a chance to absorb some of what had just happened, I insisted on counseling, STAT. I will be forever thankful that the first counselor we were able to get an appointment with pegged him right off the bat. She presented him with her suspicion of SA a couple of weeks later and he was distressed, in denial and completely pissed off that she suggested that he had been involved in"deviant" behavior. She gave him a test to take and when he took it a couple of days later, I think the results genuinely surprised him.
That being said, I know that it would not have been well received coming from me.
"Dear WH, I am feeling threatened by your continuous use of pornograghy, sex chats, your relationships with women other than me. I've decided that unless things change I cannot be around you. I'm not willing to share my marriage with these other people. I expect you to see a specialist in this area and begin to follow their direction. I'll meet with the specialist, too. If they say I'm crazy, I'll modify my requests. But I am not willing to put up with this abuse any longer.
State what YOU will and will not accept. Accusations won't fly. Let the expert make the diagnosis.
I did contact our MC today to ask if he was aware of a CSAT in our tri-city region. Sadly he did not. That's the problem with rural America. Not sure what plan B is since we/he doesn't have access to a CSAT. I guess I can try and research a IC that maybe has a focus on sex related issues or something of the like & go from there. I do think the IC that he saw once and refused to return to (although he said he liked and felt comfortable with, but I think since he lied to her, felt like he couldn't return), has a background in sexual abuse and other sex topics. She could be helpful, but only if he's straight with her.
Scaredy.... Now if I can just memorize what you wrote and recite it later!
XO thank you both!
I've been lurking, as usual. My SAH joined this forum a couple of weeks ago and I freaked out a little. I don't know if he's posted or reading or whatever. We are committed to reconciliation. I've had a lot of trouble believing him.
I started trauma therapy a couple of weeks ago, had my first EMDR type session today. It was very weird, a little scary, but overall good. I have 12 or 13 little kids I've promised to take care of. I know I can do this. I am doing this.
I'm encouraging someone very close to me to join, he busted his wife a week ago. She's gone nuts. SA can run in families. Addiction runs in families, anyway.
They have a 3 year old son. My grandchild.
Does this make sense to anyone? My post, not my situation.
Sorry you SAWH got spooked. My SAFWH won't come here unless forced . I think he may read some of my posts. Probably scares him off, too!