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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aw, Nellie. I am so sorry. You deserve so mmuch better.

Are YOU seeing a CSAT? I've said it before - honest to God, the spouse needs the CSAT more than the addict does. While it all depends on whether the addict really accepts they are an addict and surrender to the program to see any progress...the spouse is critically wounded and will almost always benefit from (valid) therapy.

Have you already consulted a L, done the STD tests, gotten meds, etc? These things are critical to your self care.

My battery is about to die, but I had to respond. Holding you in the light...


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Anyone13
♀ New Member
Member # 41635
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath - no, I have access to his phone anytime I want it. He leaves it lying around and I have the password. Always have though too. I have contemplated resetting the password on his secret email account, but I could probably just ask him for it. I just want to do it while he's there and can't go in ahead of time and delete stuff. But there isn't anything stopping him from setting up another one, just hoping that this all will be enough for him to stop it. He says it is. I'm actually going to start a separate post in here about something that happened to us Friday night.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Dec 2013
Anyone13
♀ New Member
Member # 41635
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nellie, I just wanted to tell you I can relate. My situation is a little different, but I'm the same age as you and have a young child and one on the way. I can only imagine how paralyzed you must feel to do anything. I think that you should absolutely see your own IC and maybe start taking some steps to prepare yourself for life without your partner, even if it doesn't go that way. Sometimes, people want to rush into making a decision or life change, and you really don't have to make any major moves at this moment. A colleague of mine recently got divorced, and his wife just completed a 18m-2 year nursing program that he supported her through. He confided in me that he/they have known for some time that they would go their own ways but he wanted to make sure she had the means to support herself and their daughter. She got a pretty good paying job ($60k a year) and they share custody and are on good terms. I think regardless of what you end up doing, divorce or not, you should use this time to start preparing yourself to be capable of being independent of him. Whether that's getting some employment experience or getting a degree or certification in some field. It will be empowering for you to be able to make a decision that isn't based on needing him financially. That's kind of where I'm at, I don't need my WH for money but it is still an incredibly difficult decision regardless.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Dec 2013
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confronted last night on the Porn use. He did confess that he has been viewing porn for the past 15 yrs, more ON than OFF. I know he has been watching it almost daily for the past 10 months or so.

I told him that I am not sure if I want to be married to him. We haven't had sex in I can't remember when and even when we did it was very mechanical, no kissing.

He says that he is attracted to me and wants to stay married. His actions do not match his words. Not attempting sex, not working on why we aren't, not building trust since we R'd in October of 2010.

If I were him claiming to want the marriage I would have tried to show me that.

He could have:

-handed over or smashed the device he uses for porn.
-turned the iphone over and got a cheap flip phone without internet access.
-googled info about porn addiction

None of these things he did.

He swears he will never watch porn again. I have a hard time believing this. How can you quit a 15 yr addiction over night?

I told him that I really do not know if I can ever be sexual with him again. I care/love him but I am not sexually attracted to him.

Since the big talk last night he has been very quiet. He called off work today, went to the gym.

He also is addicted to an online multiple player game. I told him how tired I am of seeing the top of his head every night for hours as he plays the game on his iphone. He offered to turn over his login information to a fellow teammate. I would have expected him to say, "I'll quit the game." Instead he still places so much value in it that he would give his acct to someone else.

He obviously didn't do that anyway. He is still playing it today.

I didn't offer suggestions about the porn/gaming addiction. I would want him to do that himself. I can't do any part of this for him.

I am currently a SAHM. I need to seek out schooling or employment ASAP.

oh, more thing...what is the likely hood this 15 yr porn addiction was only porn? Yes, he had affairs but he denies any cyber sex chat, hookup sites, or ever paying for porn.

*******

It is now 5:30pm. I tell him last night that I am not sure that I want to be married. He hasn't done ONE thing today. Hasn't asked me how I am feeling, Hasn't told me that he wants MC or IC, hasn't looked up one thing about porn addiction. Meanwhile I have found message boards all about recovery. Nope, not a damn thing.

[This message edited by hitbyatruck at 4:30 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3277 | Registered: Apr 2009
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Hit. Sorry you are here. Is it possible he's "only" using porn now, and not involved with any RL partners. Sure. But if I had to guess, I'd bet the porn has gotten less and less mainstream, more and more violent or "deviant." I don't know anything about the online game he's involved with but there are, of course, those that contain virtual sex. No personal experience with it. I know some recovering sex addicts that didn't progress beyond porn before they got into recovery.

You have the right idea. His acting out has spanned years. I don't think he can simply quit. Not without specialized CSAT help and without 12 step work. His "quitting" will only be temporary.

You have to detach, plan for YOUR future. Addicts lie, and do so very well. Recovery for you is the only thing you can count on.

As Hath says, find a CSAT for yourself. Protect yourself.

Hugs.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are correct, the times I actually looked at what he was viewing it was some pretty twisted stuff.

I feel bad not telling him that I will stick with him through anything but I am emotionally drained.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3277 | Registered: Apr 2009
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((hit)))))))))))

It is sad. But I guess what I realized is that "they" are not in there. The guy I promised to stand by, the guy I promised to help disappeared into the addiction. And I never promised to destroy myself at his expense.

Addicts are users. They use the very people they propose to love. There comes a time when we have to be selfish. God knows we were selfLESS long enough.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Patagonia
♀ New Member
Member # 42071
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 26 years of marriage, I also found out my H had a double life. I remember not being able to breathe, having an almost, out of body experience, and suddenly, I just hacked away...all his email accounts, online dating profiles, Excel documents, I just hacked and got it all. He could just not believe it, but it was meant to be I guess. I stayed because of one thing only: ALL activity had stopped 5 months prior, sexual activity 7 months prior, and the last year (of 8) he slowed down his activity to just 3 women whom he say twice each. I know all this because of the hacking and because I emailed these women.
I didn't know or believe sexual addiction was real. I had to learn. This was not a normal thing. A man who sets his value as a man NOT in being the best spouse, father, friend, worker but in the size of his penis or his ability to seduce lonely, desperate women...is desperate. My H was home on weekends and weekdays he had "dinners". My role in all this was to raise three kids, work, and deal with all the problems he never dealt with. It was lonely and towards the end, the year he decided to stop, I was the one pulling away. Didn't know why, but I knew I just didn't want to be close to him. He had been abusive -verbally and emotionally- for years, and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I didn't like him, and I was questioning if I loved him. I think this change in me, possibly triggered his decision to stop. He says he never once thought of leaving, that he loved me but couldn't stop it. Part of that must be true since in all those years, all those women, not one was able to have him longer than a few dates. He never wanted to get involved with someone else, he just wanted to feel adored, to have amazing sex, to feel special....but it all came to a price.
We are in recovery, it's been a year and 8 months since D Day, and yes he has changed dramatically. He shows emotion, empathy, and is much closer emotionally to everyone (we have three kids, young adults, 2 are leaving in the house), and he tries every day, to be a better man. I believe he understands that I will leave him should this happen again, that there will be no slips allowed, and that his entire way of thinking and what he allows himself to say, needs to be different. He needs to understand what empathy towards me is and slowly but surely he is learning. I don't know if I will be married to him forever. This new him, yes I want to, I love him so dearly. But the blind trust if gone forever. I did get webwatcherdata for a while, and only found him lookin at porn for a couple of minutes a couple of months after D Day. Nothing after that, nothing. So I stopped. He knows I'm "aware" of what is going on, all the time, and I think for Sex Addicts, that boundarie is very important. Life is different, better than all those 8 years, but no better than the time before SA...my heart is shattered and will never be the same, not ever. I wish I could erase what happened, but I can't, he can't. We just need to learn to live with it, and move forward, enjoying the good times and remembering and standing by our boundaries now and forever. IF he ever goes back to this, I will walk away, and he knows it.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not posting these days because I am the poster child for what NOT to do with a SAWH, but I wanted to let you all know that I am still reading, still following your stories and sending you all light and love and peace as we walk through this hell.

(((((HUGS))))) to you all and a very sad welcome to the newcomers. You will find much support and wisdom here. You just have to find your resolve to do what needs to be done.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, CM...hugs right back at you. Holding you in the **********LIGHT********


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
BeHappyAgain
♀ Member
Member # 41289
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all! I'm hoping that someone could help me with some ideas here. Wh's CSAT has asked me to come in to their next appointment (Friday). My head is spinning in general right now with all the emotions and I just want to be sure I benefit from this meeting somehow. What are some questions I can ask that would help ME to begin healing? Or questions i could ask about WH to help me see through the bulls&$@? I just feel like everything is so focused on his healing and recovery while I sit here and suffer.....feeling a little sorry for myself right know as you can tell. Lol. Any ideas what I can expect from this person?

Posts: 70 | Registered: Nov 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not going to be helpful at all, since my SAFWH began seeing his CSAT fairly long after the crap hit the fan, so to speak. We had attended a 12 week seminar on SA together before he began his therapy.

Be patient. I'm sure someone else will come along soon. Many of our group have young kids that need their attention....


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have told my H that I just don't think I can try anymore. That for 15 yrs it has been some type of unhealthy coping mechanism and I just don't know if I can wait for whatever is next. I am tired.

SInce then he cries a lot. He cries as he hugs are children goodbye before work, before bed. Not enough for them to notice but he is still doing it.

It does break my heart that he is in such pain. I am worried about being guilted into trying again. He is putting this all on me. He understands that his actions have caused me to feel this way but he wants to try.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3277 | Registered: Apr 2009
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read what you wrote. He is putting it all on you. Wouldn't you have fixed it if it was in your power?

It's time to be selfish. And in doing so giving him the best gift you can. The freedom to make the choice to recover or not. He is the only one that can do this.

I sound like a broken record... Living with an active sex addict is soul crushing. Don't do it for your sake and for the sake of your children.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
FoggedIn
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to figure out how I address the fact that WH is likely a SA when I confront him with all the new information I have.

He's probably never even heard of SA. Also will quickly dismiss any conversation regarding it. Even with credit card records showing porn subscriptions, adult stores, admitted hooker ONS, etc.

Do I just come out and say, "I think you may be a SA" You likely have compulsions far beyond making "A" bad decision that involved arranging a craigslist hookup with a prostitute?


D-Day 1 8/9/13 :: Discovered make-up on hotel sheets
Real D-day 8/10/13 :: Confirmed by his emails, he admitted when caught red handed
9/18/13 :: Finally answered questions, got truths to many details he lied about
D-Day 2 - 12/28/13 :: Confronted

Posts: 164 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fogged,

I had never heard of SA and I've been in the medical profession for 34 years. A couple of days after dday, when I had a chance to absorb some of what had just happened, I insisted on counseling, STAT. I will be forever thankful that the first counselor we were able to get an appointment with pegged him right off the bat. She presented him with her suspicion of SA a couple of weeks later and he was distressed, in denial and completely pissed off that she suggested that he had been involved in"deviant" behavior. She gave him a test to take and when he took it a couple of days later, I think the results genuinely surprised him.

That being said, I know that it would not have been well received coming from me.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, given the nature of the beast, the self centeredness, the selfishness, the denial, the nastiness, I frame my discussion around YOU.

"Dear WH, I am feeling threatened by your continuous use of pornograghy, sex chats, your relationships with women other than me. I've decided that unless things change I cannot be around you. I'm not willing to share my marriage with these other people. I expect you to see a specialist in this area and begin to follow their direction. I'll meet with the specialist, too. If they say I'm crazy, I'll modify my requests. But I am not willing to put up with this abuse any longer.

State what YOU will and will not accept. Accusations won't fly. Let the expert make the diagnosis.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
FoggedIn
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good call Outtanowhere and ScaredyKat!!

I did contact our MC today to ask if he was aware of a CSAT in our tri-city region. Sadly he did not. That's the problem with rural America. Not sure what plan B is since we/he doesn't have access to a CSAT. I guess I can try and research a IC that maybe has a focus on sex related issues or something of the like & go from there. I do think the IC that he saw once and refused to return to (although he said he liked and felt comfortable with, but I think since he lied to her, felt like he couldn't return), has a background in sexual abuse and other sex topics. She could be helpful, but only if he's straight with her.

Scaredy.... Now if I can just memorize what you wrote and recite it later!

XO thank you both!


D-Day 1 8/9/13 :: Discovered make-up on hotel sheets
Real D-day 8/10/13 :: Confirmed by his emails, he admitted when caught red handed
9/18/13 :: Finally answered questions, got truths to many details he lied about
D-Day 2 - 12/28/13 :: Confronted

Posts: 164 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everybody,

I've been lurking, as usual. My SAH joined this forum a couple of weeks ago and I freaked out a little. I don't know if he's posted or reading or whatever. We are committed to reconciliation. I've had a lot of trouble believing him.

I started trauma therapy a couple of weeks ago, had my first EMDR type session today. It was very weird, a little scary, but overall good. I have 12 or 13 little kids I've promised to take care of. I know I can do this. I am doing this.

I'm encouraging someone very close to me to join, he busted his wife a week ago. She's gone nuts. SA can run in families. Addiction runs in families, anyway.

They have a 3 year old son. My grandchild.

Does this make sense to anyone? My post, not my situation.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post makes perfect sense. SA? Not so much. I hope your friend joins, males are in short supply in the spouse section. In my years learning about this crap, I've only known two other male spouses of SAs in real life. Gender doesn't matter, the pain is the same...


Sorry you SAWH got spooked. My SAFWH won't come here unless forced . I think he may read some of my posts. Probably scares him off, too!


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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