I finally read your profile. He's given you two STDs over the years. I think you know he has been unfaithful many times over the years. He's not going to confess to anything you don't have direct proof of, and he will deny and gaslight any proof you have. I don't hear anything of remorse, and it seems at best he is white-knuckling and worst he has gone underground from what you have shared here and in your profile.
I'm not saying you need to file right away. I'm saying you need to go back to the doc and fully test again, and go to a lawyer and discuss all the options ASAP. And you may need to consult a different kind of lawyer depending on what you find out about the computer forensics - if there is criminal activity there.
He's not going to come 100% clean this weekend. They literally never do in the beginning. So you need to decide what you are going to do when he doesn't. And quite honestly you can't make the best decision on that without consulting the doc and the lawyer. And quite honestly you need a IC, a trauma specialst or a CSAT, for you ASAP as well. This is a serious shit storm you are going through.
I do not have clue one how to jailbreak a phone, but does he sync it to a computer you can access at all? Because if he does, there are some files that contain some info there as far as texting and pix. Does he not let you see his phone at all now, because that is a huge red flag.
So where do I go from here?
Oh, funny thing. When I asked WH if he was willing to attend a 12 step program he said he didn't think it would be a good idea. I asked why and he replied, "because things could potentially happen if I hang out with a bunch of people who are preoccupied with sex." Sort of made me laugh! Thought process of a man with sex on the brain I guess...
I'm dealing with two addicts in my life right now. AA is making all the difference in the world to my son and SA is keeping my SAFWH positive and sober. The real reason
they don't want to go is embarrassment, shame and fear.
I'm going to have a difficult time not confronting this weekend once I receive the info from his hard drive (I know myself well enough).
I have been thinking about consulting an attorney. I did some research on laws in my state, just so I am aware of property division. I have already backed up our financial data so that if he tries to 'rearrange' things at least I have details as of now. We do have several accounts in different locations (retirement, investments etc. He handles finances & is OCD about $$$$. I've said to him on more than one occasion he'd care more about financial infidelity than he would marital infidelity, & it's the truth! Money is king in his world!)
I guess I could get tested again, although I haven't had any symptoms of anything odd, other than serious HSV outbreaks. Due to stress I'm sure. Then again we haven't had much sex in the last 2 months either. We did have HB quite a bit in the first month and a half, but when he quickly turned the corner from remorse to get the hell over it, I quickly turned the corner from wanting to be near him to get the F off of me!
Probably criminal activity. Prostitution is illegal in most states! Just not sure how far I want to take that. Plus he has a thing for females half his age, just not sure if that also means girls under 18! Lord I pray not, we have kids older than that!
The first step is sobriety and the necessary abstinence to defog his brain. This is not dissimilar to what drug and alcohol addicts gonthrough, complete with withdrawal symptoms....
What did it take to initially 'break' the seal for your SAFWH?
If my WH is too 'embarrassed' to even admit to his wife (years ago even, way before all this mess even came out) that he masturbates (seriously who doesn't), how in the world is he ever going to shoot straight with me about the deep dark crap??
Sometimes the impetus to change is the rock bottom. Unfortunately, it takes the arrest, the public disgrace, the std, the job loss directly related, something... My son, an alcoholic was sober for 19 mos, had a slip that resulted in s DWI (on a skateboard!) He's back in his program, and this time, because rock bottom is depending on us for rides, attending rehab again, 90/90 meetings and substantial $. This time he just may get it. Sex addicts aren't any different from other addicts, but the substance is different,
My SAFWH has met men who HAVE lost everything, family, jobs, businesses, liberty, in his 12step meetings. He has seen men who are old and dying all alone because of past mistakes. He got close with one guy only to hear that he had poured gasoline on himself one day and struck a match. Sex addiction is deadly.
There were a number of times that I drew a line in the sand, told him he was NOT working the program, despite being sober, accountable, and transparent. I insisted he step it up, more meeting attendance, specific step work, etc. He needed the kick in the ass, but I came to understand that he really couldn't work the program much faster than he was. He couldn't assimilate the concepts, change a lifetime of wrong thinking in a short period of time.
My SAFWH is EXTREMELY intelligent, but has bipolar disorder, shows traits of asperger's, in that he has a hard time with innuendo and nuance, and sees everything in black and white. Much of the program literature talks in analogy, and that is hard on him. He also is a scientist and struggled forever with the concept of a higher power...Finally, the concept of powerlessness, was amazingly difficult for him to do. He kept saying, " you watch me, I'll do this!" That arrogance is self destructive. Frankly, given his lifelong pattern of never completely anything, I never thought he'd stick with this either. He has. Although he still doesn't do it my way...
This journey is LONG. YOU cannot do it for him. But you can do your own step work. Just don't get hung up on the idea that you are codependent. You may be, you may not be, doesn't matter. The 12 steps are a great way to live a healthy life, whether addiction touched you or not.
I have completely copied WH's entire hard drive and taken it to a 3rd party to have it investigated. I just got a message that I will have "an extensive report" back tomorrow and he thinks he's found what I was looking for. I have to say I was hoping he'd say he found nothing!
Fogged, I hope you got all the answers you needed.
I am on the verge of sending the computer away for analysis. I am divorced but since the divorce I have discovered more info about my ex (for example an AFF account) and I want more information about his lifestyle because we have a child visitation issues.
Has anyone experience if this? I will also post in IT
I know my ex did his best to wipe that computer clean. Is it really true that nothing is ever deleted?
Correct, it's never really deleted unless he truly wiped his hard drive & I highly doubt he did. If you send his actual hard drive for investigation or make a full image of it (which usually takes less than an hour, which is what I did & he has no idea) and take the HD image to an expert they can find just about anything. So unless your xWH is a highly skilled computer nerd, it's likely all still there.
I knew when we got married 13 years ago he looked at porn, but I figured that was fairly normal. There were many warning signs, and partial disclosures when caught over that time. Always swearing THIS time I knew everything and this time he was a changed man. I always caught him at this point, he had never voluntarily come to me and confessed.
In August 2011 he confessed that he had been lying for our entire marriage. That he had been visiting strip clubs, peep shows, massage parlors and prostitutes. I was devastated but he voluntarily told me all this (was not caught in any way) and I had no way of knowing it so I had hope. Hope that he was broken and at rock bottom and that finally we could move forward. It was at this time that I found this website and found great comfort in following your journeys and feeling less alone even though I never posted. He did seek counselling with a CSAT, and my DH had support and accountability with a group of recovering sex addicts (though it was not SA).
I have had suspicions for a little while. About 2 months ago I again confronted him and asked him. He admitted he had been masturbating and lying for the last 12 months but swore it was nothing else. About 4 weeks ago I caught him looking at porn. He admitted he had been regularly viewing porn and listening to erotic podcasts (who knew that these existed) and masturbating but swore that was it nothing else. Today he admitted he had visited a prostitute 18 months ago and had been viewing porn and masturbating then too, but wait for it he swears it was just the one time and there is nothing else.
Shockingly I don't believe him. It's awful this staggered disclosure stage. He is not following any of the things his CSAT says though we have been pouring money into this for 2 blooming years. He says all the right things but it's all just talk and lies. I feel dissappointed in the CSAT and will be hoping to meet with him to discuss this next week.
But mostly I am just terribly sad and without hope. Last time I had the hope that this was a new start for us. This time I have none. I married so young (19) to escape an abusive homelife with the misguided fantasy that i could build a new healthy life and the family i always dreamed of, instead i have swapped one toxic environment for another. Whats worse is that I have bought 3 precious children into the world with him (all before the 2011 disclosure so at that stage I didn't know the extent of things) whose lives are tremendously damaged by all this, and without something happening are at a ridiculously high risk of doing exactly what i did.
I have never worked, never completed any degrees. How can I now find work to support my family when I am 32 with no experience or qualifications.
I am not decided on leaving. I can't bear the thought of it even now. I am codependant and stuck in this cycle. Anyone else I would be saying "leave, leave now" but here I am. Damaging my children. Damaging myself and I feel unable to change. Maybe I should have introduced myself as "hi, I am Nellie and I am a codependant".
Nice to finally meet you and join in.
One of the hardest things for us is to admit the truth...because it feels shameful and degrading. I was ashamed to admit that I did not want to leave my husband at first.
I still absolutely hate the idea of being single. But I know his moving out was the best thing that could have happened, and I will feel even better once we're actually divorced. At least then he won't be able to keep coming around hoping we'll reconcile.
We're here for you. This is a great group.
Boundaries. I said I would not tolerate ANY acting out. I would file. You need to set whatever boundaries you feel are appropriate from here on out. I insisted on 2 meetings a week, regular CSAT appts, at which I attended once a month, I insisted he get a sponsor and keep me apprised of his progress. He had NO independent access to money. If he wanted to go to a strip club he'd have to jump through hoops, and then I'd know immediately, and I would file. I checked his phone and email, computer for any sign of slips. I didn't do it often, but he knew I would. He set up a passive GPS system that would alert me when he departed and arrived at set locations to account for his whereabouts at all times.
On the occasions of his slips with porn, he had to follow up with CSAT, sponsor, and tell me what he would do the next time INSTEAD. And he slept on the couch.
You have no control over him. You do have control over what you will and will not tolerate. Please get to a Sanon or Cosa group. They will help you figure out your own boundaries.
And seriously consider the damage it's doing having your kids in that environment.
I feel if I don't separate now I am enabling him because he will know that I will just forgive him and I won't follow through. But at the same time I am scared for him. In 2011 he chose to tell our friends of his sexual acting out and he has a group of guy friends from our church who have supported him. If they find out he has been at it again I worry he will loose his friends. I worry how he will cope if we leave. I worry about him becoming depressed and suicidal and none of us able to rebuild our life if we reconcile.
A big part of me wants to sweep it under the carpet and give him one more chance.
I know, I know, what I am saying and doing. I know what I would tell someone else. But I feel paralyzed by fear for him. And fear for me in that if I go that does mark the end of the dream I had for my life.
In February 2012, I threw my DS out. Told him he could no longer live with me as an active alcoholic. I was scared out of my mind. Pictured him on the street, dead, etc. Long story short, he did get fired from an amazing job, still isn't working, had one relapse after initially being sober for 19 mos, he's sober again, finishing another rehab program and about to go back to work. He's happier, healthier than I have ever seen him. Had I not thrown him out, I know he would still be drinking, and god forbid, possibly have killed someone, having been impaired on the job.
It was the hardest thing I ever did.
Your being there HAS NOT kept him from acting out. The only thing that will is his choice to be sober and work an program and EACH DAY to do the next right thing.
You have to put yourself and your kids FIRST. Living under the strain of this is not.
I understand your love for him, your desire to protect him from himself. It is not working, and it's actually enabling him. And it's harming you.
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 3:17 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]
I just realized today that it's four years since the first DDay for me. I went through a long period of trickle-truth and extreme denial (and too much optimism) on my part while he continued to cheat with prostitutes, and then a messy divorce. I'm happier now than I've been in many years. I must say that the happiness began pretty much as soon as I got him out of the house, even though he made the divorce miserable and stressful.
I found work at a menial job, but it helps. I still take things one day at a time, not worrying about tomorrow's problems.
I just wanted to offer up hugs and hope that things can eventually be ever so much better. And also, when struggling about what to do about divorce with children, just know that there really are no good answers. In my case, it would have been very dangerous (due to drinking and driving) for my children to have been alone with my X 50% of the time, and it's likely that would have happened. I didn't know about his sex life outside the marriage until my children were almost grown. I am not certain what the best course of action would have been. I tried to be a buffer between them and X. That means we weren't a healthy family, but at least they spent more time with me, and way less time alone with him. I just think there's no real good scenario once you have children and a sex addict. You just have to do the best you can. Learn as much as you can and try to get to be the healthiest you can. I was told early on that I couldn't "fix" this for my children...that the best thing I could do was model healthy recovery for them. So that's my goal. And it's great because it helps me as well.
Again, big hugs! Breathe! And take care of yourself as best you can.