But the issue is YOU. I think it's likely that she is contacting you because she knows where the money is. YOU pay the bills. She wants you to either pay her to disappear or to foot the bill for her expenses. I agree, she knew who she was sleeping with, again, that may be her commodity, and she may be too young and stupid to see that she has options, and he is a creep who you will divorce as soon as you can.
You need to do what you can, as soon as you can, to get out of the marriage. DON'T engage her or any other OW.
And many hugs to you.
Since I'm still waiting on my stupid citizenship appointment (please GOD, let it be soon so I can file for divorce and stop this insanity), I did not tell him the truth -- that we are, in the words of Taylor Swift, NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER
Marlie, may I ask, if you are never getting back together, why are you becoming a citizen of his country? Wouldn't coming home and moving on be the right choice at this time? I'm just wondering, as it seems like staying there may only prolong your connection to him.
Painful, I am becoming a citizen so I can own the house. If I want to go back to the US, I will do so with half the proceeds from the sale of my house in my pocket. I refuse to go back empty-handed.
Choosinghope, please stop attacking me for something that was not my fault. I tried to pm you but your box is full. Stop yelling at me in capital letters and trying to convince me that what my husband did is really, really wrong.
I don't need you to tell me that. I know what he did was horrible, disgusting, pick your adjective. That is why I am divorcing him.
I am not now nor have I ever been responsible for his actions. Isn't that the rule of thumb here on SI?
And I also made it clear here that this particular girl is NOT underage. She is a teenager, yes. 18 is not underage in this country or in the United States, so I'd appreciate it if you'd back off.
I'm here for support, comfort, sympathy, and good advice...not to be criticized for something I did not do and had no part in...as I just wrote in the other thread, I did not believe at the time of his arrest that the allegations could possibly be true, and I defended him vigorously because I was being gaslighted, not because I think statutory rape is A-ok!!!
How would the rest of you feel if I came on this board and shouted,
YOUR HUSBAND IS A SICK PERVERT WHO HAS SEX WITH PROSTITUTES!! THAT IS ILLEGAL AND EXPLOITATIVE!!! YOU ENABLED HIM!!!
SA takes that from us, sometimes, power. Don't let it.
At first, I felt horrible for defending my WS and supporting him when he should have gone to jail. However, after having read a very good book recommended here about sex addiction (by Claudia Black), I saw how many other women had walked in my shoes -- simply being unable to believe that their particular WS was capable of that kind of sick behavior, especially when he seemed so loving, charming and committed to the relationship.
I know now that I was being used by a master manipulator and that, in a sense, every female he's been with -- including me -- is one of his victims. Yes, I will acknowledge that.
However, I feel that someone telling me that the OW is a poor innocent victim deserving of pity and sympathy takes away my right to have anger against her, as if she had no responsibility whatsoever in the matter. How many other posters on this board would like it if they were told that the OW, of all people, deserves sympathy?!?!?
Even so, I know that in reality every person he's screwed deserves some pity, but none of the females who knowingly, willingly had sex with my husband will get any of that sympathy from ME. I believe I have a right to feel angry with them.
Let me go a bit further. The one who was involved in WS's arrest not only knew me and had been pretending to have a crush on my 18 year-old stepson in order to get closer to WS (and her little strategy worked perfectly, btw...oh, and she also "friended" me on FB and proceeded to "like" each and every single picture I had of WS there, but none of just me or me and the stepson...a red flag that I missed...), but in her deposition she described how much she enjoyed having sex with my husband and how crushed she was when he ended their "affair." She described being in love with him and hoping he would leave me for her. She only told her parents about it when he dumped her because she wanted revenge.
Will I ever find it in my heart to feel sorry for her as a poor innocent victim? Doubtful.
Besides that, she broke my stepson's heart. Imagine how you would feel if one of your children liked a girl, and that girl used your child to get close to your husband? The anger and resentment I feel against that girl has many causes, not just the intense pain she has caused me personally.
However, it's your husband that did all of this, not the multiple teenage girls.
I hope you find the psychological support you need to get through this and start focusing on the real villain here. And finally start your divorce before the police get involved again.
I'm sure Kat is right. She wants money, understandably.
I thought the current OW was 17 at first. Then I found out she's 18. BTW, you do not know what the age of consent is in this country, nor did you ask. You jumped to the conclusion that this girl is another poor innocent underage victim.
And, contrary to what you said, the girls did play a part. They did have sex -- willing sex -- with my husband. They are not innocent.
I didn't mention my stepson before, but do you think I'm making this up?
Ok, let me try to help you. I've only ever seen two of WS's AP's. One I knew personally, came to my home for a meal, was dangling after my stepson who swallowed the bait hook, line and sinker and fell for her. She pursued my husband and they had sex. That is not to say that he was her victim. I'm sure he manipulated her just as he did the others and his guilt is certainly greater in having taken advantage of her youth and inexperience. But she was no poor little innocent by a long shot. And she hurt my son, for which I will never forgive her.
The other AP is the one who tried to friend me on FB. And about that subject I started a thread in General, not knowing it would escalate into a 'let's all bash marlie for enabling a child molester' thread.
Ok? "Story" clear enough for you now?
I'm sending hugs to you all.
((all members of SA thread))
And here's the English translation: http://lyricstranslate.com/en/rata-de-dos-patas-two-legged-rat.html
I have a question - my SAWH has been truly remorseful and working hard on his recovery. But recently he has remembered two sexual encounters that he did not include in his formal disclosure. His CSAT told him it is common for addicts to not remember things. I just find it very hard to believe he would not remember picking someone up in a bar and taking her to a hotel room unless a) he had dissociative personality disorder, or b) he did it so often he couldn't remember some of the times. I don't think either one is true in his case.
This is making me very uncomfortable - I keep wondering what he is going to remember next. And, what does this mean? Does he have a personality disorder in addition to SA? Does he have dementia?
Has anyone else had this experience, or know about repressed memories and SA?
DOmomma, you heard from Outta and Hath, and their advice was excellent. He is NOT anywhere close to recovery. I don't even think he's whiteknuckling, he's just doing what he needs to appease you. He needs to hit rock bottom. But, sadly, that isn't within your power to orchestrate. All you can do is set your boundaries and stick to them.
I would not, under any circumstances, raise children with an active addict of any kind. The damage to them is incalculable.
I'm so sorry. Please take care of YOU. Tell him you cannot be with him unless he gets sober. He'll rage and carry on, claim he's doing everything you wanted him to do, blah, blah, blah, but you know the truth.
I live with hollow man. He shows a little remorse on Thursdays if he's not too busy.
I am so angry.
Today was painful, things got pretty real in therapy. I'm making significant progress
[This message edited by Hannelore at 8:57 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]
While I was reading a different post earlier, I had a bit of a realization. When I went looking for evidence today, I think I was actually disappointed I didn't find anything. I don't know if that's because proof would make me feel less crazy, or if I genuinely just want an excuse to get out. Probably a bit of both.
When I went looking for evidence today, I think I was actually disappointed I didn't find anything. I don't know if that's because proof would make me feel less crazy, or if I genuinely just want an excuse to get out. Probably a bit of both.
I remember this well. For me, it turns out it was just my gut. He WAS still cheating - with male prostitutes in my case and who knows what else. Maybe mine is an odd case but my gut knew even though I hadn't real solid clues. I denied until the cows came home.
Both my husbands were sex addicts. Both had NO male friends. Is this common? Do non-addicted adult men have male friends? Wow - it's so sad I don't actually know the answer to that one and I am 42 YO! Makes me wonder about my Dad. He was an alcoholic but had NO friends. He was very sexualized in his tone - not to be but I remember hearing it.
On a side note - my first husband was a sex addict, had an online affair - we rug swept and 8 years later I went wayward, we rug swept and then I left him. He knows current husband has moved out and he is circling like a vulture. He knows why. WTF? Does he REALLY think he has a shot right now?!?!
I'm not one to believe in the theory that we pick our mates in order to fix childhood trauma. But I think sometimes there can be an element of truth to it, especially if, as you describe, your father was inappropriately sexual in your presence. Even if it wasn't directed at you.
Bears looking at, for sure.