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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. I was in a much better financial place when I figured it all out. I do know that addicts aren't happy in their addictions. They pretend to be, even think they are, sometimes.

Have a look at Milton Magness's web site. There is a link to the work of Marsha Means and Barbara Steffens. They do a lot with hurting spouses...

My attempts at gentle intervention also resulted in insults and blame shifting. It truly took rock bottom,me tracking him down while he was IN a strip club, then SEEING the vile stuff he was accessing for him to finally get to a SA meeting. It was a turning point, but not the end of the journey.

But there are two important things to think about, your kids. Living with an active addict, of any kind is seriously damaging to them. Soul crushing for you, too.

Hugs. I'm holding you in the *LIGHT*


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2906 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an insane few weeks here. I am so glad to be able to reads others' stories - I feel so alone. After his rage outburst, he was sorry of course. After he had a pity party.

He is still not here. He keeps begging to come home. Promising the world to be home. I have fallen for that before. We spent like 12 hours on phone/text yesterday with him telling me his life story as an addict. Of course he lied when it came to our part of his history. A few times after I confronted the lies, he admitted the truth. Then a GIANT lie and he won't admit. I can't do this. I don't know why the lies get me like this. It's just all so damn stupid.

He's still using porn, he is still lying to me, he is still an active addict. He didn't even seem to feel bad when he admitted to using porn yesterday - the day he had me in a puddle as he told me more pieces of his life and of my own. Not once did he say he needed to stop he was having urges - nothing. He didnt teven try not to. He doesn't want to change. Today I will work on accepting that.

He has not hit rock bottom. He doesn't WANT to stop his secret sex life. He doesn't WANT his marriage or family. That's a hard concept to accept.

Its time to move on, I've spent enough years living his lies. I wanted nothing more than to be his partner. He wants nothing more than his addiction. He keeps showing me - it's time I listen.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((SDL))))))) I am so sorry for you. It's a tough thing to do, to. Give up on the addict. We try so hard to be the person they need, the faithful wife, the partner. It's inconceivable that they are that Sick.

They are. Their brains change in addiction. And for once we have to be selfish, think of ourselves and our kids. We can't let them pull us down further.

Get to a support group if you haven't already. You'll learn better how to cope and how to detach with love. And find kindred souls.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2906 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sodamnsorry
♂ New Member
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard in some ways because I know addictions so well. Dad was an alcoholic, my first love was an alcoholic, I have been addicted to pills off and on since high school. I can't fathom THIS isn't his bottom. He has lost everything so many times in his life and is at that point again. Family, job, freedom. As much as I understand addiction I had a high rock bottom so this just floors me. My poor kids. I swore I'd never have them have the life I did growing up. Yet here we are. Unlike my mom though - I won't stay. I won't keep doing this.


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sdl)))

He didn't even seem to feel bad when he admitted to using porn yesterday - the day he had me in a puddle as he told me more pieces of his life and of my own. Not once did he say he needed to stop he was having urges - nothing. He didnt teven try not to. He doesn't want to change. Today I will work on accepting that.
Here's the thing: SA happens BECAUSE faulty coping skills are learned at an early age. Stress frequently results in acting out to relive the stress, which causes more stress... you can see where that goes.

Have you taken a look at recoverynation.com? They have an amazing program for spouses AND addicts.

I'm sorry you are going through this.


Posts: 10915 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first post here. Hoping for positive support. Short story - found emails to a prostitute Nov 2012. Full story (perhaps, not sure) took some months to emerge. I knew about porn use for 6+ years previous! he kept telling me I shouldn't worry - all men do it. Things got worse and worse in our relationship - some down to me, he saw it as all down to me. Nov 2012, found a secret email address (he'd stated categorically he didn't have a secret address) with emails to / from a prostitute. He was away - emailed him to tell him I'd found it. Very hurtful response, essentially blaming me,. No apology then. Told him prostitutes were not negotiable. Found a couple of months later that he'd been back to the one he emailed twice. Didn't kick him out. Still not surer whether that would have been the best course of action. Have been in IC (both of us) and MC since. The story has taken a long time to emerge - in brief, sensual massage with HJ /BJ since about 2006, sex for about 2 years. Trying to work it out - he seems genuinely committed, but there have been so many lies. I'm devastated on so many levels. Still crying most days. Hard work staying here. Really not sure what's for the best. Haven't talked to anyone except the counsellors. Our two adult daughters would, I'm sure, be horrified - the prostitutes were about their age. Any advice, stories of hope welcome. Don't need to hear the negatives, can do them myself.


Me: BS 59
WH: 59
Married 38 years
Together almost 40 years
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute, porn use known for 6 years previous
Disclosure: a bit at a time, with lies along the way. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 20.2.13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Dec 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, Sad, I won't give you the negatives, but you are posting in the sex addicts thread so I guess that's what you suspect. I can tell you my opinion of your best options.

If he sees a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and attends 12 step meetings and actively works the program then he has a chance for long term recovery

If you detach and give up any responsibility for his addiction, don't allow him to blame you, set clear boundaries and enforce them, then you will be happier and healthier. You should also be in therapy with a CSAT and attending 12 step meetings.

There are a number of excellent resources on the first page of this thread. Keep posting and feel free to read my profile and PM me if you need to. You and I are the same age, it's a hard road.

My SAfWH has about 2 solid years of recovery BTW.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2906 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SkaredyKat. Are you still with your WH? Tricky for me - don't live in the US. No CSAT here, not sure that there rare. 12 step programs for sex addiction. Yes, that's what I think - what the MC thinks as well, and WH has also said it must be an addiction. He has read books I've given him. Wish he would look for some himself. Doing what I can. Don't think he has been with a prostitute since December last year. He admitted to ringing and booking one earliest his year, but says he didn't go in. I want to believe him. After so long together, it's really hard to imagine D. But I so hate what he did, hate the fact that he is capable of doing it. I never imagined living with a man who would use prostitutes.


Me: BS 59
WH: 59
Married 38 years
Together almost 40 years
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute, porn use known for 6 years previous
Disclosure: a bit at a time, with lies along the way. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 20.2.13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Dec 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are still together. After 5 years I am beginning to feel better. He has not actually acted out for about 6 years, but had some slips with questionable web sites, not really porn. Five years in when I found out what had been going on prior to that.

There are online SA meeting AND SANON and COSA meetings. Some even use AA or NA meetings since the steps are the same. Addiction is addiction, although the substance used in sex addiction is so much more traumatizing to the spouse.

If there isn't a CSAT, I hope your IC at least is well versed in addiction.

Keep posting, there are lots of well educated people here. Unfortunately.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2906 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad, I'm so sorry you have found yourself here. A year ago I knew nothing of these types of sites but, thanks to Google, here I am.

I always hesitate to give advice because I don't have a real grip on my own situation. I only wanted to tell you that you would do well to not believe anything he says right now. Addicts lie, lie, lie. They lie your face, on the lives of their children and on the graves of their parents and all that is holy without even blinking. Just hold on. This is the kind of stuff that happens to other people and was never on your radar. Period.

Just remember, if it walks like a duck and squawks like a duck, it really is a duck Keep posting honey. We are all on board this boat. Coming here is how I found out where the life preservers are stored.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know he lies. I think he's trying not to. I hope I'm right. A few weeks ago I told him I didn't know whether I can stay in the marriage. For the first time, he cried to. I think he really cares. I think he's more certain a bout what he wants than I am. He says that knowing what he will lose is a real incentive not to visit prostitutes any more. We have talked about separation - I can't see how it would help. Maybe that means I want us to work it out. But I don't want to be this unhappy for the next 20 years. Just don't know - some days I don't want to get out of bed. But I do. Am on holiday at the moment - seems to make it worse. When I am at work at least I have other things to keep my mind busy. Right now, thoughts of the situation, what he did, are the constant background, and spoil the enjoyment I should be feeling in having my daughters and two little grandchildren staying with us. The daughters don't know there is anything wrong - and the conflict between my feelings and keeping the surface calm is really draining.


Me: BS 59
WH: 59
Married 38 years
Together almost 40 years
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute, porn use known for 6 years previous
Disclosure: a bit at a time, with lies along the way. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 20.2.13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Dec 2013
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just realized my phone must have auto filled WH's log in and I posted as him. Woopies.

I need to find a CSAT - I am really starting to see just how bad this is for me. It's been almost 2 weeks since I found out and it's starting to really sink in just how much pain and damage is in me now. WH hasn't found one yet - we shall see if he even looks. He saw his regular IC yesterday and asked me to go. He seems to be trying. Seeing just how deep the trust wounds are after his fake sobriety is intense. I'm still waiting and seeing but am pretty sure another fake sobriety will be the death of us. If he sees that or not is on him.

I start job hunting next week. I had to close my business - I couldn't handle it anymore or even pretend. I need a plan though - the rosy world I thought I would have with a WH who GOT IT and "JUST* had an affair is gone.
I am married to a sex addict. At any point during recovery he could snap and be in his other world again. I have to start REALLY planning for life without him. Not what I want but a life without him is better than a life with an active sex addict.

What a messed up journey this is. 2014 *WILL* be better though.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just realized my phone must have auto filled WH's log in and I posted as him. Woopies.

I need to find a CSAT - I am really starting to see just how bad this is for me. It's been almost 2 weeks since I found out and it's starting to really sink in just how much pain and damage is in me now. WH hasn't found one yet - we shall see if he even looks. He saw his regular IC yesterday and asked me to go. He seems to be trying. Seeing just how deep the trust wounds are after his fake sobriety is intense. I'm still waiting and seeing but am pretty sure another fake sobriety will be the death of us. If he sees that or not is on him.

I start job hunting next week. I had to close my business - I couldn't handle it anymore or even pretend. I need a plan though - the rosy world I thought I would have with a WH who GOT IT and "JUST* had an affair is gone.
I am married to a sex addict. At any point during recovery he could snap and be in his other world again. I have to start REALLY planning for life without him. Not what I want but a life without him is better than a life with an active sex addict.

What a messed up journey this is. 2014 *WILL* be better though.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SDS, I'm sorry this has happened to you. ((hugs))

I realize I didn't put an update here about Friday night. WS came over and, while he was there, I checked my FB. I had a request on it from someone I didn't know. I looked at her page, and it was a very young girl, 18 or so (judging by her school pics which were only a few years old, and in this country one graduates at 15 or 16). Selfies, and nearly every one of them was a lame attempt to look sexy, like thrusting her hips out and pouting her lips. I thought to myself, "Who on earth is this, and why is she trying to friend me?"

It occurred to me that WS might know her. Believe it or not, it did NOT occur to me that he might be sleeping with her. So I asked him who she was, and he looked at me steadily for a minute and said, "She's the last girl I was with."

I was pretty angry that she had the nerve to try to friend me, and I asked him why she would do that. He replied that she wants him to be in a relationship with her but that he is not interested (he hit it and quit it, you know) so perhaps she thought that contacting me would help her achieve her aim.

I thought for a while about sending her a nasty pm and then blocking her forever...I even created a thread about it on SI...but I decided at last to ignore her pathetic plea for attention.

Then WS said something else that should have upset me but was more like extra icing on top of an already over-iced cake: She's pregnant and says he's the father.

Yep. So now I've changed my signature here to reflect this. This will be the SECOND bastard he's fathered since we've been married, although I only learned about the first one a few months ago (that one is 4 1/2 years old).

And not long after that, he began talking to me about how he wants to turn his life around, blah blah blah, and what could he do so that I would consider taking him back? Because he doesn't want to be with anyone else but me.

Since I'm still waiting on my stupid citizenship appointment (please GOD, let it be soon so I can file for divorce and stop this insanity), I did not tell him the truth -- that we are, in the words of Taylor Swift, NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER. Instead, I told him what he needed to do (STD tests, CSAT, paternity test for the first bastard, test for the second one when it's born, etc. etc.) because regardless of whether we ever got back together he needs to do those things anyway. I mean, how many more teenage girls does he need to knock up before he hits his rock bottom? Does he need to do a long stretch in the clink first? Because that's what it will come to.

Oddly enough, I was more upset by actually seeing the face of one of the little whores he cheated on me with and her attempt to contact me than I was to learn that she's pregnant. Her whore-spawn?

Not. My. Problem.

[This message edited by marlie2014 at 2:42 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Oct 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SDL - so sorry you find yourself needing to see a CSAT. I think you can find one on IITAP (http://www.iitap.com/promote-your-services/sex-therapist-directory) or psychology today website has a referral section that you can punch in certain parameters.

Marlie…tread carefully (you already know this). SAs are very charming and manipulative. But sounds like you know this already. It IS hard to know what the APs look like…boy is it ever. The AP of my SAWH is involved in a start up he's involved with.

It's NYE, and obviously I'm reflecting on such a CRAZY year dealing with CRAZY people and a lot of drama - my own and some of the collateral damage that came as a result. I truly thought a divorce would be underway by now. My husband seems to be changing for the better…I hope that continues to be the case. The good thing is I have confronted some issues in my own life that I needed to address and so has my WH. The conclusion I have arrived at is this: regardless if you get involved with a co-dependent support group or not, it truly is best to focus on yourself, invest in yourself, inform yourself. It's really the only thing you can control in the chaotic world of SA and infidelity in general.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I found MY rock bottom today. I have cut SAWH off - from me, my kids, my house, my van - ALL of it. I will *NOT* do this anymore. He is at my studio but there is no shower, no running water, he has no car (well he does but it's dead in driveway) and I am not helping him. I offered to drive him to a rehab facility if he wanted one but that's it. He "used" yesterday before church (no I didn't know this at the time) - he cried like a baby, he held me, he took me to the alter to pray for us. On the way home, he said he needed a time out it was a hard day (he admitted to all the stuff he's done SINCE original Dday). He laid in our bed, listening to worship music. There was no Internet in the room so it honestly never crossed my mind he would/could do anything. As soon as I walked in the room I knew - he had masterbated. It's sad it had to sink that low for me to get here but I am here none the less. Such a wasted life.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((sdl))))))))

I'm here if you need to "talk" PM me...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2906 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sodamnlost - You probably need to talk to an attorney if you've cut him off from your kids. You may have already contacted an attorney, but if not, I wanted to point this out to you.

A family law attorney will also give you some valuable and mainstream perspectives on your situation. They have seen it all.

It's hard to see this right now, but your life is not wasted. You will move on and rebuild. Dozens and dozens of women here have done it. I know them, here and in real life. NOTHING is worse or more humiliating than being married to a sex addict. I know it - I was married to one for 16 years (though I didn't know it most of that time).

------

Marlie, I don't know about the laws where you are living, but here in the United States, you ARE financially responsible for any illegitimate children, as long as you remain married to your husband. More than that, you are morally responsible. These are innocent babies. They did nothing wrong. Your husband must support them financially and otherwise.

I won't comment on the ages of the girls.


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Legally he has no claim on the kids - they are mine, not ours. He has been with them for 9 years but he is not their biological dad. He says he is looking at inpatient treatment places. I hope he does for his sake. Tomorrow I job hunt and pack his stuff. No matter what he does or doesn't do - he isn't stepping foot in this house anytime soon - if ever.

I know I will be OK. I'm not saying this doesn't scare the crap out of me - it does - but I will be ok. It's not real yet still, none of it is. I'm not feeling much of anything. What's there to feel really? Honestly it's his loss. I may mourn the man I thought he was but that wasn't ever real. So it's a good mourning. I want REAL. .


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marlie...I think the posters in the other thread have a point when they talk about underage girls. But that really doesn't help you. And it's a society issue that is far too huge for us on a message board to fix. We all know that women are exploited and undervalued in this world. And that many women use sex as a commodity. It isn't just in other countries. How many of us have at least glimpsed the seedy underbelly exposed on the daytime shows that question paternity of someone's 4th child? Some of those are mom's who had their first child at 15, 16, some of those dads are also not paying child support for several children, many with very young girls.

But the issue is YOU. I think it's likely that she is contacting you because she knows where the money is. YOU pay the bills. She wants you to either pay her to disappear or to foot the bill for her expenses. I agree, she knew who she was sleeping with, again, that may be her commodity, and she may be too young and stupid to see that she has options, and he is a creep who you will divorce as soon as you can.

You need to do what you can, as soon as you can, to get out of the marriage. DON'T engage her or any other OW.

And many hugs to you.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2906 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
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