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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Billyp, I sent you a PM.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I developed a urinary tract infection a week or so ago. Kept thinking that if I drank plenty of water I could flush it out but, didn't work. So, yesterday I go to the nurse practictioner for a work up. Mind you, since I work for a fairly large group of medical facilities I have to use care providers that are associated with the group.
During my work up I was asked the usual questions regarding my symptoms. She then proceeds to ask me about any potential exposure to STD. I tell her that the answer to this type of question is confidential as my records can be accessed by my co-workers (who I happen to be friends with) or anyone else at my office. She agrees.

While at work today I pull up the notes from my office visit. There it is. All of it. For everyone to see. My personal information which reveals that there has been infidelity in my marriage. I.am.devastated.

I posted this in the general forum today. Feeling so terribly violated again. I go to church with one of my co-workers. It's out there and just a matter of time. I'm in panic mode.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 9:47 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BillyP: I think this is applicable to you and a lot of the posters on here. Certainly it was for me (and may still be in the future).

"When you are going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill

Don't give up. Back off a bit, but circle back. Keep trying. Be sincere.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in the general forum today. Feeling so terribly violated again. I go to church with one of my co-workers. It's out there and just a matter of time. I'm in panic mode.

Why? Why are YOU feeling so ashamed? You didn't do anything wrong. Your husband did. HE did this to you, not the company nurse.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will reflect very poorly on everyone except you if this comes out in this way. And someone could lose their job. Plus, you never know what might be going on in someone else's home.

My prediction is that NONE of this ever makes it out.

My experience is that people are very compassionate when it comes to this kind of subject matter.

There are a few people in my town who know what is going on with my situationÖas far as I know, it has not gotten out in public. And if it did, you/your trusted friends can shut it down by telling people they really ought to have more going on in their lives than gossip about others' misfortune.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta...this is confidential info. I agree with the others, no shame to you, at the same time, it shouldn't be general knowledge! Get back to your doctor or to whomever initially put the notes in there. They need to be somehow hidden.

This is obviously a flaw in the system. And one that is likely widespread. You caught it, we won't see it. Despite the restrictive HIPAA laws, we know people talk.

(((((((((Outta)))))))


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People talk.... yes, I know. All employees of my office are required to park a good distance from the facility so to leave parking for patients. We are shuttled in and out from the parking lot to the office. I know first hand how someone can be dissected with almost surgical precision among mostly the 20 something's of the clerical staff. I have absolutely no confidence that it will not be detected. None. I know them very well. To the extent that until my knees got so bad, I walked to and from my car to avoid hearing it.

I know it's not a reflection on me but it is embarrassing as hell. Some of these people I'm referring to don't even "know" me but, know who I am. I feel so exposed. There is not a way to delete the record as it is permanent.

BTW....I'm a goof. My original post was in the Off Topic forum

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 12:17 PM, December 20th (Friday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta, are you in therapy? I have been in your place, but I finally refusing to carry STBX's shame around anymore. It took more than two years of therapy to get to my place - and even now I'm FAR from perfect.

They will judge you for staying with him, for sure. But I have faith in most people. They know that life is complicated and that people make decisions that on the surface seem to make no sense.

Plus, it will all blow over like everything else in life. Hold your head up high. I used to say to myself, "Digity, Humor, Self-Respect." It has worked for me.

Fake it until you make it. Hold your head up and smile with dignity. Keep your friends close right now.

(((HUGS)))



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks CH. yes, I am in therapy but, really feel like I'm chasing my tail. I'm sure it all has a lot to do with how I have to accept that I have no control but, still....this was all so unnecessary IMHO.

And sk, thanks for validating my pain. All the posters in the other forum wanted to point out is that I was wrong to access the record in the first place. So frustrating..

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 12:29 PM, December 20th (Friday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I gave the ultimatum Ė me or the porn, but not both. I told him that he has a real problem with it and that I wasnít going to live with him being so affected by this, so itís all or nothing. He, of course, said he had no problem Ė but I cut him off and ran through a very short list of his activities, and said that yes, he had a very real problem. I told him to think it over, and if he knew he wouldnít give it up then he didnít need to waste time thinking.

We were on the edge of separating when I said that this was a condition, and we were both thinking if we wanted to try again or not. That was why I said ďif you wonít give up the porn, donít waste your time thinking if you want to try with me or not.Ē

Honestly, Iím completely fine whatever he chooses. I donít even know if I have it in me to stay and Ďseeí if he gives it up. Heíll relapse, then get angry that I know, then say sorry, and 2 months later, again, and so on. It will take 2 years before itís finally over. I donít think I will make it that long

Any advice? Things to look for? Articles that will show him he has a problem? Anything???

Thanks in advance


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta, it is your record. Call the nurse and tell her you would appreciate it if she edited that out (either electronically or crossed it out completely if it is written). Say to her, "I would appreciate if you would treat with this with the same discretion as if you were in my shoes."

Also, for the future, I never tell my hcps anything as we too work in the medical community. And really it is none of their business and I have flat out asked for STD testing. FWIW, whether questionable infection or my request for STD testing specifically, they haven't asked because a good doc/nurse KNOWS that everyone that is sexually active is a risk of a STD. Everyone. People don't generally send you a written notification before they cheat on you. If you are asked again, just say something about universal precautions or that everyone in a sexual relationship is at risk.

BillyP, keep up the good recovery work! My only comment in addition to the good advice here is that it meant a lot to me when my H kept his word in small things very consistently. It is very important to me that he not make false promises whether that is about our R or taking out the trash. I just need that consistency and I need it over months and years. Maybe your wife feels the same?

What a traumatic thing for you. I would be terribly upset too.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta says it CANNOT be removed. :(

This is obviously a major defect in electronic record keeping. All of us need to be aware that this can happen. It shouldn't be something we need to worry about! I, for one am going to make it a point to ask my doctor if such a thing exists in my records. I actually see doctors in TWO groups and don't think they communicate but I don't think this kind of confidential info should be seen by the MA who take my BP and other vitals, nor by the reception staff. No, its not on me, but I know how people talk and I don't want to be the subject.

Outta, one more shit sandwich. I hope you told your SAWH...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BillyP, thank you for having the courage to post here. I feel frustrated when I see other threads where people deny that SA exists and say it's 'just a cop-out.' We in this thread know that it is not.

Yesterday was hard. WS came over and before he'd been in the house for long, he began to cry. He started sobbing on my shoulder, saying he knew we'd never get back together.

And then he said that he'd been doing a lot of bad things to "survive." What that means is that, as he has not been working since September, in order to pay the bills he's been doing things that are illegal to make $$. It's hard to explain to people who do not live in this country; the drug wars here are alive and well, and many people are involved in small ways by supporting the cartels even by doing things like selling bootlegged cd's or acting as lookouts/watchmen. Through his last job he got to know some of those agents and was drawn into their circle by first becoming friendly and then "helping" in small ways. WS is not, to my knowledge, selling drugs. But he's involved with what basically is the mafia here.

I find that both terrifying and incredibly depressing. He was crying as he was telling me this with a very guilty tone and explained that he felt like he couldn't stop now. I replied that no one was controlling him except himself and that not only could he stop, but that he MUST do so. He only nodded sadly.

I read in one of those SA books recommended here that SA's are often financially irresponsible especially when they have escalated their behavior. WS had been asking me for more and more frequent loans and running through our money like it was water before he moved out, so I had wondered how he planned to pay his own bills once I wasn't there to rescue him. Now I know.

I am not in a position yet to be able to bar him from the house, but I'm not too scared for myself. He says "they" know we are no longer together and where he can be found, at his own house or with his "associates." All the same, he doesn't come more than once or twice a week these days, and more often than not it's when I'm not home and when I arrive he has left a note.

Where, oh where, is the man I married?


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scaredykat, yes and yes. I did tell tell him and you were able to put into words what I was trying to say. Any employee who is active in provider service have access to the records. Some of the MA's are in their twenties and don't think twice about running their mouths so to assume that everyone will be professional in regards to this information is not a given.

I struggle with calling anyone else into the matter. The more that know, the greater likelihood of the inevitable. Then again, I'm so pissed off. As I said previously, I told her from the outset the sensitive nature of the discussion. I even said " please be careful about what you enter into my chart". She said "I wouldn't do that". I believed her.

The record can't be deleted. If there is a correction to be made it will edit the entry by striking thru the note and re-entering the correct information. The earlier note is still very readable. I always thought that if you keep your nose clean and play by the rules you had nothing to worry about. Didn't count on a cheating husband to turn that way of thinking in its head.

H was very sad but, the damage has been done.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta, thatís very sad. You should expect your wishes to be respected by medical providers. I definitely would NOT be using anyone in your network any longer. They clearly cannot respect patient/coworker wishes.

Also, I do understand your desire to NOT bring this up to others, I would find out who in the network can delete files. I work in the tech industry. Someone can delete that. Itís a matter of finding out who. Then go only to them, and ask. Usually those people have seen it all, so they wonít care.

This is just wrong on so many levels.


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Outta))) That is mortifying. I cannot imagine. I am so glad you told us, I had no idea this was even possible. And here I was elated that electronic records made my other health issues so much easier to treat now - holy crap I don't even know if my OB is on electronic records yet or not. I am beginning to understand why no one ever presses me on risk of pregnancy any more - I know a doc in the box made an error and said I was in menopause and if you can't retract it...well crap I guess that makes sense.

IDK if you are open to suggestions, because I don't really know about how the system works or the people you work with. But *I* would like to think I'd go back to the person that did my intake and have a talk with her. Tell her you explicitly told her not to put it on there, and she violated that trust. What the consequences are for you now. She needs to know so she won't do it again. It's possible she thought it wouldn't show, or she didn't understand you, and she needs to know so she doesn't repeat the mistake. If she's a shit, and did it anyway and doesn't care, then you need to know that too so you can follow up the chain if you want.

Either way, I'd move for the strikethrough text if that is your only recourse. Then, you can always say to a coworker, if it ever even comes up, "I was just as surprised to see that there as you. And you know once they add something, even if it is a mistake, they can't take it out. So I had it struck through." Because that is the truth. My guess is it won't ever come up, because like PP said it risks their job. Yes, I am sure the reality is they all see, but seeing it and gossiping about it have totally different legal ramifications.

I am so sorry this happened to you. You must be completely beside yourself. And ready to hit your husband with a shovel!


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I should have contacted someone today but, frankly don't know where to start that won't require involving even more of the staff. I'm trying to weigh the risk vs. benefit of trying to correct this or just lay low and hope nobody notices. I don't have any confidence of the latter.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta,
Your posts remind me so much of me, several years ago (and sometimes now). I should PM you the story of how I felt when my lunatic STBX hired an attorney who worked with the mom of a child in my children's very small school.

I don't have any opinions on medical records and who should read them. But I do notice that all your shame and anger is focused on other women: the nurse and your coworkers.

Of course, I completely understand that you are trying to fix this situation. But really, your anger right now should be focused on one person only: your husband. HE is the person who exposed you to STDs. He is the one who broke his marriage vows. He is the one who betrayed you. He is the one who visited prostitutes when you were home waiting for him - a loving and wonderful wife. And now, very sadly, people might find out the truth, and you are hurt once again.

I just wanted to point this out because I can almost hear my old therapist saying to me: WHY do you care so much what they think about you? YOU didn't do this!!! This is NOT YOUR SHAME. HE DID THIS; he caused this situation. If he didn't do this, you could hold your head high and just go and see the doctor and tell the truth like everyone else.

I carried around the shame for both myself and my STBX for many years, and it nearly killed me. I hate to see this happening to you.

Please take good care of yourself this weekend. No matter what, hold your head up high. Dignity. If necessary, humor. And trust your dear friends to surround you and help you. You need help, you need support right now.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please take good care of yourself this weekend. No matter what, hold your head up high. Dignity. If necessary, humor. And trust your dear friends to surround you and help you. You need help, you need support right now.

It's all so true, isn't it? But the reality is that we cannot talk about this to most people. It isn't even "regular" infidelity.

I guess we do have to adopt an attitude of not caring who knows. I, too, live in a "small" town, at least in attitude and noisiness. I taught here, have a reputation here and am "well-known" in that respect. My SAFWH is not. I made him make the appt for STD tests through a private company rather than go through my doctor. I didn't want to go into the same lab were I go for my routine tests, run into neighbors, parents or God forbid students while I was still in shock from finding out the REAL truth about my life. Sure it's his fault, his shame, his creepiness. But HE is MY husband. Still. And I have to live with that.

One day at a time.

(((((((Spouses)))))))))


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate the support ladies. Thank you! In my mind, it's a catch twenty two. Damned if you do and, damned if you don't. This is truly the stuff craziness is made of.

To be clear, I know without a shadow of doubt that none of this is on my shoulders. No question about it. That doesn't make it any less humiliating and embarrassing. I'm not sure where it came out that I am angry with anyone. I'm not. I'm extremely frustrated at this turn of events for sure but, anger towards co-workers..no. They haven't done anything yet so why be angry at them.

I'm all about being proactive. I like to exercise options to do something to avoid the train wreck . The only point I was making about the records is that my option to keep my sensitive medical information "secure" has been taken away. The nurse that will access my file in approximately 21 days when I need my refill. It is glaring. Seriously. She may decide to keep it to herself but, I would not make a wager.

I really worry most about the careless talk among the younger co-workers who let things shoot out of their mouths without giving it a second thought. I see it in some form every.single.day. In trying to avoid my fear of exposure I fear it will cause more harm than good dragging in more and more people.

I know my H is responsible. I am angry at him. He has shown me with actions that match words consistanley for the last 10 months so he is trying hard. Am I now to take this opportunity to rub his nose in it? We are trying very hard to establish boundaries of respect for each other. Hard to show respect when I'm giving all my effort to tear him back down.

Yes, yes, yes it is because of him and his shitty behavior that life has become a little more unpleasant for me. But, I don't feel much like brow beating him and even to what purpose?


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
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