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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, December 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you SK for your words and your dose of reality that I needed. I also replay many instances that at the time didn't make sense or were "off" but nothing I would overthink, and I have my aha moments where I realize "yea.. He was acting out" or "that' s why" and I hate everything from that memory from that point on.

I am working on harder boundaries for me so I can stand my ground and be strong enough for if I have to leave.

I know about the codependy, I might have to read my book again.

Thanks for the advice!


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SJ, I know what you mean. Our Thanksgiving was bitter sweet due to the memories. My parents celebrated their 65th anniversary on Thanksgiving Day. I am one of 6 children from that marriage so there have been many offspring over those years. Many of my nieces and nephews I had not seen for coming up on two years so, I was very excited to spend time with them. The other edge of that sword is that it was Thanksgiving last year when I realized there was something very, very wrong with SAFWH. He always was a bit cocky and arrogant but, last year he was a mega jerk. I still remember just shaking my head and being so embarrassed by his behavior that day in front of my parents, siblings and everyone else that was there which, including our own children. His eyes were empty. Since they are the window to the soul, it all makes perfect sense now.

This year was completely different. He was helping in the kitchen, manned the drink station and even helped clean up and take out the trash. This was a huge 180 from every other family gathering for the last 36 years so, even tho my heart was heavy with memories, I felt a glimmer of hope.

We had a check in after everyone left and we were alone. I told about all the emotions that had been surging thru me. He assured me that he completely understood that any further acting out would be the demise of our marriage and he is completely focused on doing his recovery work. His actions have matched his words for 10 months now and, as much as every part of me wants to believe that I know there are no guarantees.

That's what scares the shit out of me but, I know I can't control it. I do know that I am so much smarter and stronger than I was when this all started so, there's no doubt that if he relapses, I'm gone and I won't keep his horrible secrets anymore.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 2:52 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
ctdean2004
♀ New Member
Member # 39637
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I have 3 things I want to vent about. It is sad that in being the wife of an SA that the 1st two things have a lot of different meaning than before.

1st Thing - My Boss
One of our teachers is pregnant and due next month. It was pretty exciting when we found out. We also found out her husband is a teacher at our sister school down the street and she disclosed to us that he has been having an affair with another married teacher there. She just found this out like 2 months ago and is pregnant with their first child. Yeah all that is devastating and awful. I feel for her. The worst part - in my opinion - is when my boss was talking about it with the rest of our team she said, "why doesn't she learn to separate her personal life from her work life, put on her big girl pants and come to work and do her job!" Um - WTF!? I bow down to this teacher we have that is sucking it up everyday and coming to work everyday with a fake smile. I was so angry with my boss (also a woman and mother) when she said this. When DDay happened last year, I didn't want to even go back to work.

2.
Anyone watch The Good Wife? This is such a great show! I can totally appreciate this woman because it reminds me if our own struggles with our Hs. We hate them, we want to move on -- but we want to still have sex with them, interact, feel sexy or whatever. The difference is that I don't have some sexy man on the side to keep me going lol. I can't wait until the season starts back up!

3.
I just have to say that lol - if my H and I get a divorce it is not going to be because of the addiction. He is so lazy and irresponsible and it is driving me nuts. I struggle with this because even though SAs are also selfish and irresponsible, it is not always because of the addiction. I wish my H would just GROW UP! I have to "run" my house everyday which includes him. It is so annoying.

Anyways - vent over.

Oh can someone PM that workshop website that someone was posting about. For some reason I cannot PM that person on here directly.


Me: BS, 31
Him: WH/SA, 31
Together 8 years
Married 7 years
DS1, DD2, DSontheway 10/10/13
Official DDAY: October 2012
'09 some things came out, he went to SA, stopped doing it and he went to town! Always been caught and never confessed.
Rec

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Connecticut
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta- I don't know what it is, but it's the same with my H. That is the only thing that has changed. Like I said, he is slacking big time with his recovery work, but he is so much more involved with the house now, he cleans all the time, cooks, does dishes, laundry, etc , HE NEVER used to do all that. This thanksgiving he even made a dish for everyone. However it's not enough to keep this marriage going. I wish my husband was like yours and embraced recovery from the beginning :( but at least I know that I am strong enough to leave if he acts out again (like you) and also walk out if he doesn't seek recovery, however I am having a little trouble with setting a deadline :/

I read something the other day that I think applies to us: it is the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee.

(((Outta)))


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ctdean- your boss is obviously oblivious to this kind of situation and has never experienced something so world rocking like us. People who speak like that have NO IDEA what we go through. It's just ignorance, and while it also makes me so mad to hear people talk like that, I just choose to ignore it. This pregnant teacher, gosh, that's horrible :( I feel so bad for her. This is a nightmare on itself, I cannot imagine how she must feel being pregnant and all, what a disaster :( I hope for her sake and her baby that she is strong to deal with it and not fall into depression.

I haven't heard of the good wife.. I will probably check it out although I have no time in my life for TV :/ but sounds interesting.

My husband is also very lazy and has slacked so much on seeking recovery :( what he says and what he does is two completely different things and it breaks my heart. I am learning to be strong enough to leave if he doesn't seek recovery soon. He has always had this relaxed attitude about everything and it annoys the heck out of me. I completely understand you. However he has stepped up A LOT with things in the house. Not lazy there anymore, I just wish he was like that about his recovery :/.

I will PM you the workshop.


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Helpless  Posted: 1:27 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have MC session tomorrow. WH had is IC last week, I had mine about a month ago now.

I always feel so antsy the day before/day of a session. Its so exhausting emotionally and mentally to have to talk about everything, see him sad, see him sad because I've said I want a divorce. I hate that I feel like I get the worst of everything....first the feelings of betrayal of the cheating, now being made to feel like the bad guy for not wanting to or not being able to move past it. I feel like this (not exact words just how I feel):
WS: I've been cheating on you w/ escorts
Me: I've tried to get over this but I can't
WS: How dare you leave me and not want to work on this with me!

Uhhhh WTF. He doesn;t understand why I'm not over this 3 years later still.

We havent had sex in 2 months or done anything intimate. He knows I don't want to have sex, but he still wants to hug, kiss and little, and hug me from behind so I can feel him getting hard. When I say no or "stop" he gets mad "don't tell me to stop!" he says. And then I'm a "bitch". I feel like he doesn't get it. I don't want to talk about sex right now its almost like a trigger for me.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jzkc,

This is the true nature of SA. They are big brats. The "I want it, it's mine, give it to me" talk that they are ingrained with. The entitlement is something I have a hard time wrapping my head around. My SAFWH told me "I wasn't getting it at home so I went out and got it". He also said that he was content in the fact that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. I guess he never planned for the event that his double life would be exposed.

I too have been blindsided by this unholy behavior and I remember reading the replies to my first post on this site. Everybody told me there was more to it but, I felt like they didn't know my H. He may have had a terrible lapse in judgement but.... Turns out I didn't know him either. Had absolutely.no.idea.

Hath wrote a post some time back that has stayed with me since that time. She said whatever number your SA admits to, you can easily double it and possibly more. I saw a great counselor in the immediate days after my discovery. She told me to prepare for what would be coming but, how do you do that? I felt she was surely mistaken this time but, it all happened just like she and the other posters on here said it would.

Has your H admitted his SA yet? Is he open to joining SA and committing to recover? My H told me after his first meeting that it was where he needed to be and he jumped in with both feet. Our issues continue but, it does provide a small comfort to see him actively working his way to recovery.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath wrote a post some time back that has stayed with me since that time. She said whatever number your SA admits to, you can easily double it and possibly more.

I've always felt this because he's never admitted anything to me that wasn't something I found out for myself. So all the info I have of the calls/texts was just what I could gather from phone records. And everytime I found something his answer was "ok yes I did that, but thats it there's no more". Then I'd find something else, then that was it there was no more. But he never owned up to anything to be like, yes you know this but I also did xyz or there are more etc etc. So I'm really supposed to believe my rudimentary phone record detective 'skills' really uncovered everything? I know all there is to know? Riiighhhtttt.

Has your H admitted his SA yet? Is he open to joining SA and committing to recover?

I don't think we've gotten there in therapy yet. MC talks about WH's compulsive behavior but hasn't come right out yet and say you're a SA. Although, not sure what was covered in his IC last week. There may be more on this tomorrow after MC session.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.

I haven't been posting or even reading much because I'm just too ashamed of where I am. But today, I got thrown right back down into Hell.

Update:

I moved back into our home with SAWH. I know, I know. Big mistake. But he really seemed like he "got it" this time. Nope. Still nothing. He read 1 book. No AA meetings, no discussions, no research. I even found 2 CSAT's who do appointments via skype (none on this island).

But we've been getting along well and things have been pretty smooth. I managed to be on the mainland when his parents came to visit, so I avoided having to play nice with MIL (who is still BFF's with OW). So, I let myself be lulled. I'm still checking up on things, and he's been giving the appearance of full transparency. I have all his passwords, I can look at his phone, tablet and laptop whenever I want.

So, this morning I was looking at his facebook and checking his activity log. I found that yesterday he'd synced with his tablet. There is now a picture of his erect penis on his facebook. It's private, so no one can see it, but it knocked me on my ass.

His explanation? This I love. He just "does that sometimes to see what it looks like." Suuuuuure. Everyone does that, right??? No. Not that I am aware of.

I'm just in shock right now. Sitting at work, trying not to vomit.

He's trolling again, isn't he? He says he isn't, but he is, isn't he? Normal people don't take pictures of their private parts just to look at do they?

Just typing this has made me cry because I realize how insane this sounds. How did this become my life? I actually went to CL and checked all of the ads with pictures to see if I could find him. Now I need brain bleach. "It" wasn't there that I could find, but there are other sites. I don't want this to be my life.

I'm so ashamed.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, CM. Stop this. Shame? You? You own NONE of this shame. You are simply doing what we are all doing or have done; everything possible to keep our marriage intact. If your marriage isn't salvageable, at least you'll know that you did every thing possible.

Is he trolling? Most likely he is. Even if he isn't, it's still sick behavior, taking a picture of his own genitals. But only you will know when you've had enough.

Hugs to you honey, don't be so hard on you...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CM-

His explanation? This I love. He just "does that sometimes to see what it looks like." Suuuuuure. Everyone does that, right??? No. Not that I am aware of.

He's trolling again, isn't he? He says he isn't, but he is, isn't he? Normal people don't take pictures of their private parts just to look at do they?

Just typing this has made me cry because I realize how insane this sounds. How did this become my life? I actually went to CL and checked all of the ads with pictures to see if I could find him. Now I need brain bleach. "It" wasn't there that I could find, but there are other sites. I don't want this to be my life.


I had a very similar incident last month. I went through WH recycle bin on computer and found 4 photos only of torso and him in his boxers briefs showing he was erect. I freaked out, asked WTF and he says....ohhhhh I just wanted to see what it looked like, you know I have low self esteem. The kicker was they were taken very early on a Saturday morning when I was out of town for 3 days. WTF!!! I get that the iPhone syncs w/ the comp when you plug it in, but then why weren't they deleted right away from the phone if thats all it was??? Plus....
1. I don't take photos like that of myself "just to see".
2. For risky photos I have taken, there was an intent...intent to send them to him. So I know when photos like that are taken there is a reason and its not just "to see". How old are we?!
3. For risky photos like that I have deleted them almost immediately so they aren't in my photo stream for someone to accidentally stumble upon.

Like you, I trolled CL looking. While I didn't find him its just disgusting to have to see what is actually out there. Gross.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
saraism
♀ New Member
Member # 41512
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, somebody help me understand this. Two weeks ago I found graphic pictures of another women on my husbands phone (he thought he had erased them). It took two days to get the truth out of him but I have since learned that he has profiles on every cheating/dating/swinging/cuckold website that exists. He has had two one time sexual encounters with other couples where he has sex with the wife and the husband watches.One of these times was without protection. He has given me access to a secret email. There are are over 100 emails/chats with the woman that I found the pictures of. They never actually met but not due to a lack of effort on his part.

In the beginning - with this other woman he implies that he is single. Then, on his way to meet her at JCPennys and have sex with her in the dressing room he suddenly gets a concious, writes her this big long email about how he is in a relationship but unsatisfied with his “vanilla” sex life. She decides to call the meeting off. Later, just before I found the pictures, he actually talks to her about how he loves me. I have also contacted one of the couples - same thing, he told them that he loves me, has no plan to leave...
When I look at the dates of these emails I see that he will be sending nasty sex texts to her and minutes later be sending me texts telling me how much he loves me and how happy he is with me.
The women he has pursued affairs with are people he met one the internet - not even people he knows or seems to want to know.
Further, why would he be telling all these people about his unsatisfying sex life? We have a very, very active and adventurous sex life - until two weeks ago anyway.
Im so confused. Ive ordered many of the books recommended on this blog but I cant wait for them to arrive. We also have an appt with a therapist who specializes in sex addition - but its almost two weeks away and honestly, I may need to check myself into the psych ward before then.
I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant stop crying. I can hardly take care of my kids, Im drinking almost every night after they are in bed. Im afraid Im going to get fired from my job. Im not actively suicidal but I truly feel like I want to die. He is my best friend. I planned to grow old with him - I love him deeply.
My whole life feels like a lie.
Do couples ever recover from this? If I stay will I have to endure relapses? How have you all managed to cope? Forgive? Salvage your self esteem?


Posts: 3 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: MN
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saraism,
It pains me to say welcome. I know how evicerated you feel right now. Most likely what you have found is what we call the tip of the iceberg. What lies beneath the surface is excruciating. I'm sorry.

I'm steadily realizing that there no easy answers to the complexity of sex addiction. Obviously you have already found out that he has been trolling and hooking up. Why do they say their sex life with us is unsatisfying? Im not sure about this either since I was completely unaware that my SAFWH's "needs" were not being met. What I have come to know is that it is a sort of rationalization for pursuing sex outside of the relationship. I can't tell you why. It's still a mystery to me as well.

I know you are reeling. I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better but, I'm still a rookie here being a mere 10 months out. Still trying to get my arms around that whole concept myself.

Honey, there is absolutely no sense to any of this. I know your heart is broken and the questions are endless. I totally remember those days. I don't have the answers but, wanted you to know we hear you!

((((saraism))))


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Saraism)))
I sent you a pm. You will get good advice and support from this site.


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 577 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sara...we are here. we are listening. I too, sent you a PM. Do whatever you can to just hold on. The early days are the hardest.

Do you have real life support, someone who can help you deal with this? You very well may not want to tell anyone the whole sordid story, we all get that, but someone who at least can hold you while you cry and take care of your kids while you take care of you?

Drink water, stay hydrated, eat whatever you can. Practice self care and hang on. I promise you, you can get through this...we all did.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why would he be telling all these people about his unsatisfying sex life? We have a very, very active and adventurous sex life

I believe they do this to "justify" their cheating actions. It appears to make them feel better/look better to the other party. Also, mine told some partners that he was not having sex with me anymore or anyone else, so they would have unprotected sex with him. He seemed to like to have them feel sorry for him.

I know how horrible it feels. In my case, what I discovered was a tip of the iceberg. Many months went by with me finding out more and more. It is quite traumatizing. It hurts horribly!!! If you can find an S-Anon meeting, you'll find people in real life who know how you feel. That was a turning point for me, to be in the company of women who understood the tremendous pain. If there's not one near you, there are phone meetings through COSA, which you can learn about via the yahoo group for COSA.

Big hugs! {{{ sara }}} You are not alone. And life on the other side of this is wonderful!!! Take care of yourself as best you can.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sara,

Just try to remember that SA's have grossly distorted thinking so, trying to understand what they say and do is damned impossible, IMHO.

Try going to the library to see if they have any of the books you are interested in. The one that I got the most out of was "Deceived" by Claudia Black however, she leans pretty heavily towards the betrayed spouse being codependent. I think that term has become to mean something other than what it was originally intended to describe however, I have certainly identified SOME of those traits in myself. Even having said that it rubs me the wrong way to hear it be suggested that I had ANYTHING to do with SAFWH's addiction and acting out behavior. I reject that label entirely.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
wantthetruth
♀ New Member
Member # 41622
Concerned  Posted: 11:42 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone, first post here for me, but I have been reading posts on the forum for the last year. It is a great forum, with so much helpful information for people having to deal with such a difficult situation.

I am not sure if this is the correct area to post, but I would really appreciate some insight into my situation, thanks!

Made my WH take a poly test last year when I started getting suspicious, he admitted to a one night stand a few years after we were married, we have been married for 15 years. He also admitted to visiting massage parlors 3 times where he received a happy ending.

We did couples counseling for a few months and I felt like everything was going good. I have felt he may be a SA, but he does not agree. In the last few months I have gotten the gut feeling that he may be visiting massage places again but have not proof, and he denies it when I ask.

What do you guys think?


Posts: 1 | Registered: Dec 2013
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's my two cents for newbies who have doubts about what their WS may or may not be doing. I don't want to get into trouble with the SI Gods, so my first suggestion is buy the premium membership or get however many posts to get into the Investigative Tips subforum. Then, depending on what stuff you suspect, I would suggest a voice activated recorder and/or a passive GPS logger for your WS's car. Again, Investigative Tips is the place to ask more specific questions about these items.

Both will collect about five days worth of data, but not in real time so you won't obsess about it. If you want to track continuously for more than five days, you will need two so one can be in play while the other is charging/downloading. This will let you know if there is a secret phone (if it is used for calls as opposed to texts) and if WS is going where WS says they are going. I think that is key - to verify for your own sanity with irrefutable evidence but not spend hours snooping.

My final warning is if you do find something, don't keep looking - you have all you need to know. If it is evidence you need for a D or child custody, then you really need a PI to do it properly/legally. Continuing to collect evidence yourself puts you at risk, and it is uber traumatic for you to be repeatedly confronted with it. If you "caught" them, it wasn't the first time. It wasn't "they were just looking" or whatever horsepoop they will say if you confront. Assume the worst, because they will not be 100% honest in any confrontation.

Instead focus on what this means for you. Is it a dealbreaker? If not, what are your requirements to stay in the M? Regardless of whether you want D or R, what are all your options legally and what is that like logistically and financially for you in each scenario? Don't obsess over whether it was 2 or 20 acts, etc - obsess over what YOU need assuming it is worse than you know. See a lawyer and get STD tested, immediately.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted in a while. Holiday time has kicked my butt. But I wanted to share a funny/AHA moment.

So WH goes to two SA meetings a week most of the time. He has his home group, which he always goes to, and another group he has attended usually but has been less frequently because of work schedules. And when he does go, he has been annoyed with a certain participant that tends to talk way longer than he should despite being confronted directly many times. So he decided to try another meeting he had attended in the past once or twice.

This is pretty big for him. Usually he sticks to his two meetings, and if there is a conflict he doesn't make it up elsewhere. In the beginning making up meetings was a requirement for me, but after the big disclosure snafu a year ago I really didn't itemize requirements anymore. I had given up and moved on. So this is all his doing.

So I asked him how it went. He said it was a much more convenient time and location for him, but the actual building was not the kind of building that newbies would easily navigate and feel confident in going. It was close to Xmas, bad weather, etc so it was just him and two others. One guy he knew from his home group, and the other - was his initial CSAT he stopped seeing because it wasn't a good fit.

I don't mind telling you I was secretly amused that it had to be awkward for him. I mean, dang, he has never had to have many awkward moments in this whole thing other than with me or my/his CSAT. About time he got to feel uncomfortable when he was expecting to feel safe.

So I asked if it was awkward. He said, no, not really. He's just another guy working the program.

:thud:

I think it illustrates how far he's come. But I still don't mind he had some discomfort even now, more than two years out. :giggle:


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

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