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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well then, Marlie, JKZ,and anyone else who is detaching, do yourselves a favor: Find excellent IC, figure out how to avoid a similar relationship in the future. I TRULY don't believe we did this to ourselves, I simply DON'T BUY that definition of codependency even though *I* fit the profile like a glove. Oh, I surely became codependent and enabling but my SAFWH grew to be an asshole, or he was an extremely adept actor. Our marriage wasn't like that until about year ten. In any event, it's essential that you get help to HEAL from this trauma. YOU CANNOT DO IT YOURSELF. We partners are trained to isolate, we can't reach out to others and tell them these deep dark truths of our marriages. We MUST. We can't be whole unless we work some kind of recovery ourselves.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 7:16 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been detaching and while I do still love him, I don't have emotional connections anymore. I'm so so sick and tired of him not getting this even though I've told him. We're at his parents now and last night he tries cuddling in bed, hugging, wants to kiss. I told him no, I don't want that. And he goes "but I do". I'm like, what aren't you getting?! Do I need to say this in a different language?! Just two nights ago we had a huge blowup fight because I'm not overly warm to him and he says "I just want to come home to someone who isn't a bitch". Then he starts throwing things etc. I don't know how to end it because he's so much bigger than I am and when he gets angry he reacts by throwing things etc and not that I think he'd hit me but it puts me in fear and stops me from saying more.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

J-You need to move out of his bed. If he won't go, you do it. He ISN'T getting that you are detaching emotionally, he still thinks he can cajole you into forgetting his cheating. SAs are children. If it's not right in front of them, they don't face it.

IMHO, you cannot stay with an SA who isn't working towards recovery. And he isn't, obviously. Why are you allowing ANY intimacy at all? This is torture for you and sends mixed messages to him. Not because you haven't SAID it to him, but because he's hoping you'll change your mind.

GET OUT unless he starts a significant recovery.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello ladies
I haven't posted here for a while. I hope all of you in the U.S. had a happy Thanksgiving yesterday.

I don't really know where to start. I have so much going in in my head. The last month has been crazy. DS 14 broke his wrist very badly and has required multiple trips to the hospital, DS20 has been really sick for 3 weeks and has been diagnosed with mono. He's had to go to the hospital for IV steroids to combat his extremely sore and swollen throat. My 87 year old mother has been unwell and very depressed resulting in me going to stay with her for a week in the UK.

I guess the one positive thing is I didn't worry about what SAWH was up to while I was away. I don't know if this is because I just don't care anymore.

The last time we "talked" was a couple of weeks ago before I went away. SAWH is frustrated because we are well over 2 years out from DDay and I am not where he thinks I should be. He feels he is doing well in his recovery and doesnt understand why I am not. He is upset because he feels he is not getting any affection from me. I took sex off the table several months ago as I found it was a major source of stress for me and sadness. Obviously he misses sex. This is the longest he has ever gone without sex with another person or himself. He says I never walk up to him and kiss him or hug him, and I guess he's right. I hug him back, if he hugs me. I kiss him if he kisses me, but I dont make the first move,probably because I don't want him to think it's an invitation to take things further. To be perfectly honest, I just dont want physical contact with him anymore, or at least at this time. A workshop I have been doing on another website for partners of SA had a section on how the SA sexualizes their everyday behaviour. The butt patting, grinding up against you when giving a hug, sexual jokes and innuendos. SAWH does all these things. It's always bothered me but I thought it was just me being boring. If I was to bring it up with him, he would say he was just trying to lighten the mood, or be playful. I don't know where you draw the line. Is it unreasonable to not want your butt patted as you cook dinner, or when your H walks past you? Am I a prude because I find the sexual innuendos juvenile? I do find myself very sensitive to any sexual topic since discovering SAWH's past activities. I realize things can't go on like this forever. We are living like close friends rather than husband and wife, and while that suits me for now, I'm not sure how long he will put up with it. I don't feel he's making a huge effort to engage me. His head is in a book or he's on his iPad every evening. I'm still the one taking kids where they need to go while he stays home to do his stuff.

I'm pretty sure he is not acting out but its almost like I dont care anymore. I just feel flat and numb.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((not))))) Sounds like you have a full plate.

Can you please PM me that website? It sounds useful.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pm me the website, too, please?


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA (tt, uncovering much more) d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 (full confession)"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah

Posts: 1984 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry. Duplicate post...

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 10:52 AM, November 29th (Friday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA (tt, uncovering much more) d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 (full confession)"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah

Posts: 1984 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he says "I just want to come home to someone who isn't a bitch". Then he starts throwing things etc. I don't know how to end it because he's so much bigger than I am and when he gets angry he reacts by throwing things etc and not that I think he'd hit me but it puts me in fear and stops me from saying more.

Gently, this is abuse. Your husband has major problems. I hope you will consider talking to someone who specializes in spousal abuse. And the next time he calls you a bitch and starts throwing things, you should leave the house. If you can't, you need to call the police.

More than that, is this what you want for yourself? A cheating, raging husband? For the rest of your life?

Separately,
(((notmetoo)) that's lots of stuff going on. Hang in there!!! I see the "dead feelings" comment here a lot amongst women who stay with their spouses. Kat can probably share her story with you.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here. In early recovery I was more than ready to reignite our sex life. We hadn't had a normal sex life for years. I was too vanilla for a sex addict. He had been very vicious in rejecting me whenever I pressed the subject. I brushed it off as part of his depression, he was always so apologetic after his outbursts of bile. (Love bombing)
However, sobriety is not recovery. It brought not a reignition but sexual anorexia, continued ED, finally one attempt to make love resulted in him lashing out at me because I wasn't responding properly. He compared sex with me to necrophilia.

Never again. I will not put myself in the position of being humiliated like that. He says he hopes I change my mind, that he'd rather be with me in a sexless marriage than anywhere else. He's here to stay. He says he finds me sexy. I, of course, doubt all of that. He's attracted to me because I'm the only game in town. He'll eventually tire of celibacy.
We still have enormous issues. He still is incredibly insecure and shows that by being rude and disrespectful to me. That tells me I can't trust him and I retreat. I simply do not permit myself to be vulnerable to him at all,at any time.
We are companions, coparents, friends and financial partners. He is affectionate and I try to feel that but it scares me, I don't ever know for certain if it is spontaneous and "free." I am wary of him at all times. I'm too old and I'd give up too much to split.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 6:13 PM, November 29th (Friday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can you tell if your spouse is a sex addict?

My wife has a high sex drive and I do too. We hit a horrible patch in our marriage the last couple of years and as part of our marriage problems our sexual relationship approached zero (maybe 6 times in 2 years?).

Last August my wife started an online emotional affair with one guy while having chat and email sex with other men and women including a couple of voice skype encounters. It started out with just a couple of guys via email found through Dreambooks adult penpals and over 7 weeks and through her account at Ashely Madison that she started 20 sept she was chatting up and masterbating to multiple men and women every day by the end of September . I also had her web history and when she wasn't online she was looking through porn sites. I never had a huge problem with porn. Occasionally when things were good between us we'd watch a xxx together.

Since about 2 weeks after d-day she has been remorseful and completely transparent with all her account pws and I have no indication there is a continuing problem.

Should I be worried? If she was really an addict to me it seems like she couldn't control herself and would f been discovered by me.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi bobf...there are online screening tests for SA. The first page of this thread has a lot of resources. www.sa.org is the I used to evaluate my SAfWH so long ago...of course SHE ultimately needs to be the one to make the self-determination.

A Certified Sex Addiction Specialist make the diagnosis after an extended interview and testing. And IMHO only they do a good job of helping to stop the compulsive and escalating behavior that is characteristic. A SA can be "sober" for a long time without being in true sobriety. It's sometimes referred to as "white knuckling" because the sobriety is so precarious.

Women SA aren't as commonly identified. But they are there. Welcome to our club. I'm afraid you will find that too much of our emphasis and that of the literature is on the male SA. But you are definitely not alone.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So last night when I got back from Thanksgiving night shopping (yes, I was that crazy, but actually it gave me something to look forward to instead of sitting at home and crying) WS had left me a note in his native language. Translated, it reads this way:

Thank you for putting up with me all this time that I was with you. I know I was not a good person, and perhaps it sounds ridiculous to say that I have always loved you. Last night I felt that I was bothering you in the house, and I know that I always want to come back and sleep there because I miss you. But I understand that I should not do it anymore. Don't think that I am upset that you did not lend me the money, but it did hurt me very much that you said I have only used you. If you believe that, forgive me. I will not bother you any more, no matter what happens. Take care, and I love you.

And don't worry, I will return to finish painting the house." (He only has the kitchen left to do) (oh, and yes, he did ask me for yet another loan!)

It gave me the same feelings again: a mixture of grief, a desire to see him again to hear him say that he loves me and to be held by him again, and resentment that he would guilt trip me or try to make me pity him for not wanting him to spend the night or hang around the house.

Yet at the same time, it doesn't seem to be so very hard for him to spend most of his time elsewhere but come here to eat, to take hot showers (his place doesn't have gas yet), to do laundry, and to sleep. Maybe it's wrong to feel that he doesn't look like a man whose heart is breaking, while I'm completely torn up inside. I don't know what to believe anymore.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 158 | Registered: Oct 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAs compartmentalize. It's possible he means everything he says in that note. But the reality is that he is an ADDICT. They only really love their fix.

Think of it this way; the mothers who neglect their infants to get their heroin, they'll prostitute themselves, some have SOLD their children. The crack addicts who put their lives on the line going to seedy places to get their fix, the meth addicts, losing their teeth to their drug.

And this NEW drug. It EATS THEIR SKIN. They are injecting kerosene for the sake of a HIGH.

Now, I know SA is controversial, not in the same league as drugs and alcohol. The mechanisms are still the same as far as the dopamine rush goes. You CANNOT reason with an addict, they aren't sane.

Hugs to you, I know how horrible you feel.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
BeHappyAgain
♀ Member
Member # 41289
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all! I hope it's ok that I post this question here. I have a detailed post in the Just Found Out section. My husband has his first appt with a CSAT on the 10th. Can anyone tell me what to expect from this? I'm scared. Mostly that this person will tell us that his problems aren't that severe......which will lay on even more guilt for me for wanting out. Thanks in advance.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Nov 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I know it's true, but the note really tore me up. I made the mistake last night of calling him.

He ranted for about 15 minutes and said a lot of things that hurt. What hurt most was his tone. It sounded as if he wanted to punish me for saying that I felt used.

But what really got me was when he said, "During our whole relationship, I have NEVER used you."

Wha????????!!!!!!!!!!!??????????!!!!!!????????

Delusional man! Using and manipulating me is his #1 talent. Especially where money is concerned. And he's still trying to do it! Since D-Day#1, he has asked me for no fewer than five loans -- in less than 3 months!

If I had any scrap of hope left that we might not divorce after all, that he might try to change his ways...it vanished when I heard him claim that he has never used me. He knows full well that it's only thanks to me that he's not in jail now for solicitation of a minor. The car he is driving to go to his parties and cart around his very young girlfriends was paid for by yours truly!


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 158 | Registered: Oct 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bopf, I wish my WS would go to a CSAT. But I can tell you this -- from reading your post, I highly doubt this person is going to tell you that her problem is "not that severe."


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 158 | Registered: Oct 2013
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hi everyone)))

Notmetoo, Could I also have the workshop website please? I would love to check it out.
As for me, my thanksgiving was good, enjoyed with family. However, over the weekend we went over to a friends house, the first time we have socialized since dday. It was horrible. We are a young couple, and the people we were hanging out with were a little younger. Had I known what the night was about I wouldn't have gone. They were playing an innocent card game, something I used to play when I was younger too, and I never noticed how highly sexual it is, talking about sex positions, "ever have I ever", etc etc.. All night I has having triggers and I couldn't look at my H at all. All I wanted was to dig a hole and never come out. What a horrible night, it ruined my weekend. I have been in a depressed state for 2 days now.

My H is not embracing recovery. He stopped going to his therapist because she wasn't a CSAT and hasn't looked for another one, we didn't have insurance so he said he was waiting for that to kick in before committing to one. We have insurance now so I'll have to see how long it takes him. He goes to SA and SAA but doesn't have a sponsor, so I feel like he is going to warm up the seat and "show me" he is "trying". He has stopped reading books. I am so disheartened. I really thought this was going to be different. My boundaries have been violated twice. Once, he deleted his history, and 2 he went to a strip club, he claims he was taken there by his boss and he felt horrible the whole time and later had to tell his boss never to take him there again because of his problem. Who knows. So that's a big slip. That was one of my boundaries. I was so so pissed when I found out, and still very depressed.

I go to my CSAT every week, and she has been helping me with my boundaries. She has said I need to give him a deadline, because I can't wait forever, or can I? I feel so different from the beginning. At the beginning of this I used to be so strong and now I feel so weak. I feel like before I could kick him out or leave without thinking twice if he didn't get his act together, and now I feel like I can't leave.. Why? It makes me so mad at myself. I need a slap, or a kick or reality. I feel like I am fogged. I don't know how to explain.

Anyway I feel like I am just venting now and putting too much negativity out there. I hope all you guys are having a better time than me. Hugs to you all.


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once, he deleted his history, and 2 he went to a strip club, he claims he was taken there by his boss and he felt horrible the whole time and later had to tell his boss never to take him there again because of his problem. Who knows. So that's a big slip. That was one of my boundaries. I was so so pissed when I found out, and still very depressed.

I would find this completely unacceptable. Why would he go in the first place? Why not just say to the boss first off "no, I don't want to go to the strip club". I HATE strip clubs, just gross. My WH was going to them and when I found out it was "oh this guy from work wanted to go and so I went with him" Riiiiiiiiiiiight. But you'd go alone on your honeymoon? I think he was going along every time but a story that "oh, so and so wanted to go" kind of lessens the blow in his mind.

[This message edited by jzkc1502 at 8:23 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other day I confronted WH about why on our honeymoon did he have to call local escorts in Honolulu vs calling the ones he had contacted so often from back home...like the one he was contacting a few days before we left, and texted 6 times the day we returned from Hawaii. He said it was because is Craigslist app would default to the location you were in. I hate having to doubt if this was true. But honestly, does this even matter??? The point is he was still trolling for them, and he still could have just contacted one from back home instead of actively seeking for them there. Because of this answer now I go, am I making too big a deal of this? I need to scream to myself "NOOOOOOOOO" your husband was contacting escorts on your honeymoon you idiot!!! GAHHH!!!


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spacejane, is it possible for you to make plans to stay with your family or a friend for 2-3 weeks. I think it would be very helpful for you to get out of the immediate environment in order to regain some of your strength and clarity.

I def. agree with your therapist about a deadline.

I don't know spacejane, this sounds to me like more than a slip, more than a relapse even. I don't think your H ever truly started recovery. You can't live like that.


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