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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this normal? Shouldn't she be telling me how to deal with things? How do you know if a therapist is helping and worth your time and money, and after how long can you know?

Your interactions with the therapist would frustrate me too. Although I've only been to 3 sessions so far, I could tell after the first I really liked him. He offers helpful guidance, but makes it clear he's not "telling me what to do". For example, I brought up the other day to him the photos I found of my husband. I told him I hadn't brought it up to Alex yet, and he offered that I should be honest and lay all my cards out on the table, and not keep anything hidden at this point. So I get a sense that he's helping me unpack all my thoughts and feelings, but not necessarily telling me what to do or how to act.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had some of these experiences. What are you doing to heal, Hath? I'm still in therapy and will be for a long time. I'm still reading lots. I added some EMDR and rapid-resolution therapy recently.

Of course, when the abuse continues past the divorce, it's hard to heal the old stuff. Argh!

I also did some EMDR therapy with my CSAT when it happened. I did some of the stuff you can do at home (not unlike butterfly hugs, but more focused). Lots of relaxation and imagery type stuff. Mostly I had to learn to let it go, which was really hard, but it was making me physically ill. I stopped going to therapy about two months ago because I didn't feel like I needed any more. But I can tell I will probably have to go back again, just probably not as frequently. I think if I continued to meet with my therapy group friends informally, or went to 12 step again, I probably could do without but honestly it is easier to meet with her, LOL.

You are right, if you are continually being abused by it, it can't fully heal. I hope you can find a way to be as NC with him as possible. (((hugs)))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SpaceJane, we want to control stuff because we cannot control what SAWH does or the results of what happened on our lives. The crux of it is, even though we aren't the addicts, we have to take step one and step two to heart before we can really heal. We don't want to admit how unmanageable our lives have become, even if most of it is not our fault. We don't want to relinquish that control to anyone else. We are fixers. We want to fix it!

But here's the rub. Your life is unmanageable ATM. You don't have control over that ATM. There is no "control" to give away to anyone/anything else. So honestly, there is no risk in giving away what you don't have. Once you admit there is a big problem, and it's bigger than you, and you yourself can't fix it alone or even just you and SAWH...the burden starts to lift a little. Then when you let people in to help, you let the plan (your therapist's plan, the 12 step plan, whatever) work, it lifts a little more. Then each day it gets a little better, and you realize what else you can do to let the plan work. As more time progresses you look back and see how far you've come.

So that's the thing. Until you hit this aha moment NO therapist or 12 step or even this forum is going to help that much.

That being said, just because someone is a CSAT doesn't mean they are the right therapist for YOU. They all have their own bedside manner, they all have their own ways of implementing the tools, etc and you have to work with someone that YOU feel comfortable with. My guess is yours is still in the info gathering stage, and trying to figure out where you are with boundaries and consequences. Because that's next after accepting the problem and the help, boundaries and consequences. Your FOO, history with SAWH, etc all come into play about how you process all this and is important for her to collect, but the step 1/2 and the boundaries/consequences is what drives your path to healing.

Hope this makes sense. I am stupid tired, I don't know how I am stringing sentences together.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jane-what Hath said. BUT...I am mush older than you and unfortunately, have been to more than my share of counselors. YOU ARE THE CONSUMER. If this counselor isn't helping you, try another. I would first discuss it with him or her. Let them know you are feeling at loose ends, that you need more from them. If their response isn't satisfactory, quit them and try another.

My counselor is the best I have seen, ever. She isn't a CSAT, but very familiar with the addictive process. She is a good listener, but more than that, is wise and gives good direction. THAT's what one needs, IMHO.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2918 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear its like talking to a wall when I talk to my WH. I've said in therapy, in person, in a letter that divorce is still very much on the table for me, and I'm not able to be emotionally or physically connected to him right now. Why does he STILL try for kisses and hugs and ask to cuddle?! Then when I say no, or do not give the response he's looking for he gets mad a ME?? Like last night, he rolled over to wrap his arm around me, I let it go for about a minute and then I said "ok thats enough". Then he got all offended that. WTF!!!!
I've also told him he needs to back off w/ the amount he texts me and calls. A typical call when he;s on his way home from work is:
Him calling: "Hey"
Me: "Hey".
(silence)
Him: "God what is wrong with you you're not talking?!"

[This message edited by jzkc1502 at 8:30 AM, November 18th (Monday)]


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jzkc1502, I remember those days. He's still in denial and gaslighting mode. Even if you have confronted him with what you know, there's more you don't know, and you haven't thrown him out, so his foggy warped mind thinks he can still rugsweep and gaslight his way out of this. This is another area where you need boundaries and consequences.

"Do not touch me when we are in bed unless I tell you to. If you continue to keep touching me when I have told you not to, you will have to sleep somewhere else."

And if he tries to throw it back on you, remind him every day of an opportunity of R, every day he is still allowed in the bed and in your home, is a gift. If he is not going to appreciate this gift, you will go ahead and file.

You can't make him pull his head out of his ass. You CAN kick him out of your bed if he doesn't respect your boundaries.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Hath. Yea I've always gotten the feeling that he is still treating this as a "oh, this will pass" kind of thing.

Like just now, I was upstairs in the apartment getting ready for a client meeting I am having in my buildings business center downstairs. He comes in asking all cutesy what the folders were etc. etc. and I'm answering very matter-of-factly...not cold but certainly not warm. He gets all pissy and storms off into the bathroom saying "why you have to be such a bitch!". I am SO SO tired of it.

Edited:
UGHHHH. And now that I'm downstairs he just texts me "Good luck, hope they book you!"

WTF. Why is it like this??? I can't keep living with the outbursts due to what I'm going through then this overly sweet its f'ing miserable.

[This message edited by jzkc1502 at 5:40 PM, November 18th (Monday)]


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your SAWH hasn't reached the point where he truly feels empathy for other people and also understands the magnitude of what he has done. I'm 8 months out from DD and about 5 months out from my SAWH entering treatment with a CSAT. Normally, the addict works on a full disclosure and they are ready to give that to their partner/spouse shortly after the 90 day mark. Well, my SAWH's CSAT said a couple of months ago that my H was not ready to begin the disclosure process because he had NOT YET displayed signs of empathy. Rather he was still angry at me for not trusting him, angry (at himself - but maybe not realizing it yet and still misplacing the anger on others) for having to go through the therapeutic process, seeing himself as a victim in this whole thing, etc. I suspect that may be the case with your WH, too. Maybe also in the fog. It wasn't until my husband started going to SLAA meetings that he began to understand the impact of his acting out. Hearing others describe the negative impact acting out has brought to their lives struck some kind of chord with him. Anyway, I still haven't heard full disclosure but I am told it is in progress.

I'll never forget the first MC we attended about 10 days after I first confronted him. Mind you, he had not admitted to the affair at that point…he was still denying anything was going on. We left the therapist's office and I could tell he was relieved. He had this look on his face like "Well, that is over for now." Would you believe he nonchalantly asked me if I wanted to go grab a bite to eat? As if the previous hour of accusations and denial did not register at all with him. That is how dense the fog is. That is how far in denial they are. Until they emerge from that - and it usually takes some time and effort (and patience from you) - it's hard to get through to them.

In the meantime, maybe it would help if you take control of the conversations, especially via text. Next time he says "Hey" maybe reply with "Hey yourself. Let's talk in person when you get home. See you soon." That way he can't leave things up to you or get the impression you're ignoring him or feel like everything is on him.

One thing that helped us in the beginning was : Make an appointment with each other every day to talk for a set amount of time. SAWH and I started to become more comfortable with one another. At first this was excruciating and I could tell he could not wait until the 10 or 15 min was up. He would barely sit next to me. Now it seems like he looks forward to it and he sits close to me and we hold each other. Progress? Maybe. I'm no longer thinking of divorce every day.

Hang in there…you will get through this, know that. There is no magic wand. It takes a lot of work, at that sucks because you don't deserve to be the one making effort and it sometimes feels like you are the one being punished. But hang in there and hopefully things will start to make sense and feel a little easier.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 9:38 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
UCLAMOM23
♀ New Member
Member # 36653
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{{EVERYONE}}}}}}}

I haven't been able to see my therapist in months. I live in a rural area and she is 60 miles away. I am self-employed and it is almost impossible for me to get out of the office for the three or four required to get to her and have a session. She is not a CSAT, but she deals with addiction.

There are a few therapists much closer who I could see on a regular basis, but they are not CSATs either, and I don't know if they specialize in addiction.

What is your opinion?

My SAH has been in therapy for 15 months. He acts completely different than he did for our entire marriage. He is nice, helpful, and not sarcastic. He is complimentary, sweet, and patient. In other words, he's the exact opposite of the asshat that he was during the 18 years of our marriage that he was acting out. We are just "friends." I decided to fake it for the kids -- I have about 7 years before the youngest goes to college -- and we are getting along MUCH better than when we were in a marital relationship.

Seven years is a LOOOOONNNG time to fake it. He desperately wants to be married again. I am really depressed and lonely. My friends think he's a real jerk, obviously. I'm afraid that trying again would be soul-sucking to me, and I wouldn't be able to really try. I just don't know.


I am: BW 47 years
He is: WH 47 years and has suddenly realized that he's a sex addict

Married 19 years
Together for 25
3 sons: (17, 13, & 11)
D Day 1 - July 1997
D Day 2: 8/29/12


Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: California
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jzkc, hath, SK, thanks so much for the helpful advice. I think I'm going to give my therapist a couple more sessions and if I don't see I'm getting anything out of it I'm going to change it. Problem is there are no other CSATs around my area :/

Thanks hath for the advice. You know, I read this, I hear this, I eat and sleep your words, that I have no control over what he does, and yet, why do I feel like I need to control everything, like if I let go a little bit he will go and act out, as if he couldn't do it now, and I KNOW that's not true. I am terrified of being made a fool again, of being blindsided again. That's why I "control". I don't want to go through a false reconciliation. I don't want to be with him if he is acting out. I feel so unsafe, so unstable :( I can't wait for this aha moment to happen permanently, so I can just let it go, sometimes it comes and sometimes it goes away ..ugh

(((Thanks everyone)))


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry most everyone is in such a blah period with recovery/decisionmaking. I am sorry I have not been more helpful but somewhat overwhelmed here with a move.

Spacejane, I will give a therapist two sessions and that is it. I think an addiction but not CSAT therapist would be a good choice for you if this CSAT doesn't work out.

UCLAmom, I think seven years is a long time too! But you sounded pretty set about that. I don't know you have a life and needs too. One option is to get them into high school and then divorce -- in some ways it is easier than combining transition to college with divorce.

As for me, H had a relapse! I am so discouraged. It was masturbation only, no porn involved but masturbation is at the root of his problems along with the porn. His therapist was not perturbed, but under SA he has to totally reset his sobriety. All of those months gone:( :( And his sponsor is now never going to back down from 2 meetings per week and is in fact micromanaging which meetings H attends and will only accept 3 specific ones (out of the more than a dozen weekly ones in our area).

If I can ask opinions on a few issues:
1. How bad of a prognosticator is this relapse?
2. Does this sound odd to you -- therapist AND sponsor both advised H not to tell me about the relapse masturbation. H felt that was not right (I seem to have the honest abe of sex addicts) and told me. Is it normal for a therapist to suggest withholding info from the spouse?
3. Therapist also suggested that H start to taper down his meetings with her. She feels like he has made core progress in the areas of empathy, normalcy, not acting out, accepting responsibility etc and he should focus on SA meetings and marital therapy and meet with her less frequently. Does this seem odd given that the relapse suggests to me at least that H needs to develop a wider range of coping skills still?

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.


Posts: 209 | Registered: Apr 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything I have been reading about recovery says slips are likely to happen on the road to recovery.

You probably should speak with your therapist about what your bottom line is. I just read a summary of an article on a study by Jennifer Schneider (another SA guru researcher) and it stated that threats ("If you have a relapse/slip/etc. I am leaving for good") don't work in the context of keeping relapse at bay.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I know my bottom line -- in fact I committed it to writing several months ago! I was OK with porn and masturbation slips provided there was honesty about anything that was repeated and that H immediately went to sponsor/therapist to work on a relapse recovery plan. He did all that and in fact was honest even though it was just the once.

So I wouldn't leave over that or threaten to. We were both so sad over the whole thing. But it does make me wonder about H's long-term success. It is not the action, which was not the end of the world I realize, but that he could not control himself. That gives me some pause. If it keeps on happening over and over then I would consider us both on a slippery slope, heading seriously downhill, and would leave.

[This message edited by cds22 at 11:15 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 209 | Registered: Apr 2013
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone! I just wanted to post that I finally got to the A HA MOMENT!! WHOOP WHOOP!! Thanks Hath for that very good description of it.

SpaceJane, I totally get where you are at though because as of a few weeks ago I was still there. I knew I couldn't control him in my head but I still needed to somehow. Well, I was leaving for a business trip and something magical just happened...I just let it go. I told him I wasn't going to worry about him anymore, that it wasn't my job - only God can worry about him and help guide him. Now I will tell you, I have never been a big church goer or prayer type person, but I just got this amazing peace about me when I really deep in my heart let it go. Since then, I for the first time in my marriage, feel some measure of healing. He may do it again, sure, but nothing I do is going to change that so I might as well not worry about it or try to control it. and what's crazy is that I really feel those words...I'm not just saying them this time bc that's what I'm supposed to say. I really can attest to the fact that it just happens - I don't know why or how, but it did, it just was A HA! This does not mean that I don't sometimes trigger, or question, or wonder etc...I just don't control it and I don't dwell on it and I get on with my life at hand. I triggered yesterday actually but took a deep breath, said a prayer, and let it go and got back to work. I really hope this is not another Phase though...like the sadness, anger, profound grief, profound fear roller coaster I have been on. Maybe someone with a longer track record can let me know if this sticks once you reach it.

UCLA Mom - (((hugs))) I don't think I could fake it for 7 years. I know there are a million different opinions on this and how it affects the kids and it is such a personal decision. I am a child of divorced parents, and then as an adult, my dad and step mom (who I also call mom bc I love her so much) also separated. I was more devastated by my dad and stepmom separating than my dad and real mom divorcing, I think in part, because I was older. Sending you (((strength and peace)))) for this journey you are on, these big decisions in life take time to process, regardless of what you end up choosing is the right path for you.

CDS - sorry about the slip...I kinda feel like you about the telling of the spouse. I know its pretty common for sponsors/groups/therapists to tell them not to tell their spouse over minor slips but I feel it should be up to the two people that are involved. I'm actually ok not knowing about the minor slips as long as my H works it through with his sponsor/group etc... but that was a decision that him and I made, not someone telling him what or what not to tell me. I know they are going to happen, it's what happens after the slip that's more important to me. Does he recognize and acknowledge the slip, does he use the tools he has been taught to stop the slip from sliding down that slippery slope to something that is a deal breaker, does he do some soul searching of why it happened. Because if he does all of those things, then he is in recovery, and I can live with a slip. So a slip (even if it is repeated) is not, IMO, something that automatically means he will one day relapse.

I hope everyone has a great day!


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UMBL - not a phase. Rather, day by day, each of us are becoming stronger and developing healthier ways of coping with having an SA in our lives. As our MC says, it's a process. It may be a moment in time that you realize it's happening but it took the build up of many more moments and going through agony to get there. And we all must recognize that there are always going to be good and bad days. It's just that the bad days get fewer and farther between hopefully!

I'm glad you are finding more peace.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jun 2013
UMBL
♀ Member
Member # 39605
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks WIF! That's promising - I'm glad this isn't just another phase, or I guess technically it is...acceptance right? My fear is what controlled me before...and made me want to control things. So letting go of that fear was key for me.

I saw this great quote on FB the other day and I can't remember it exactly but the gist of it was - So far in my 40 something years of life, even through my very worst, most horrible days, I have made it through and I'm still here. God/higher power/etc. has a record of 100%, so no reason not to trust him to get me through this too...wish I could find the actual quote.


BW - UMBL "Unhappily Married But Looking". His most recent Yahoo chat group
WH - SA
Blended Family - 2nd Marriage
DDay #1 - Jan 2009
DDay #2 - June 2013

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Alabama
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just having a sad day. Today is our anniversary of being together, 9 years today, we also got engaged this day 5 years ago. I want to be happy but I'm not.
I never thought the person I was faithful to and love would resort to hookers and escorts, betray me, and lie to me about horrible disgusting things and make me question if I ever really knew this person.
It also makes me think that I wish I took past "signs" more seriously during our relationship, maybe I wouldn't be here.
Like, 2 months after we first started dating, I found out he had never officially broken up with the girlfriend before me, and I found out through her blog that she had gone down to visit him and they went out on a date, walked on the beach etc. I did flip out at him and he officially broke it off after that, claimed she was crazy obsessed with him.
I also found out months later while he was in a airport he met a woman and sent her an email about how nice it was to meet her and he'd love to take her to dinner sometime.
A year later I found on Facebook (we were both still in college) that he was messaging girls at another college a few days before him and his friends went there for a football game.
Why didn't I take these more seriously?! Is this who he is??? Someone only concerned about himself and not me. It REALLY makes me question if he cheated on me during the beginning of our relationship, even though we were still in college it still was an exclusive relationship and still would be cheating in my mind.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jzkc, I'm sorry you're so frustrated. Don't beat yourself up too much for ignoring red flags. I think we've all done it. The books I just finished reading on sex addiction helped me to understand why.

As for my WS, when we were dating he used to kiss me and then his hands would start traveling...you see, we were not going to have sex until we were married (and we didn't!), but when he would start moving his hands too close to certain, er, areas, I would pull away and he would get angry...then immediately apologize and beg forgiveness. But then he would say, "No me provocas," which means "don't provoke me" in English but implies that basically if I didn't want him to go too far I shouldn't deliberately turn him on.

For me, all I wanted at the time was to be held and cuddled and kissed, but not for things to heat up until the wedding night. I couldn't understand him when he would say "No me provocas" because I was not doing so deliberately. I put it down to that it's much easier for a man to become aroused.

But now I see that it should have been a red flag for me. Had I not always been the one to stop and pull away, we probably would never have made it until the wedding night before having sex. As time went on in our engagement he became more and more determined to put his hands in places where they shouldn't have been and we began to fight more about it, although he always apologized, ashamed a few minutes later.

Even after we were married, it was often impossible to just hug or lie together. Everything had to turn into sex. The smallest touch and he was ready to go. Part of me thought "maybe that's a good sign that after years together he's so turned on by me" but part of me felt like it was unnatural that he was wanting sex 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. And it never felt intimate, was never slow and tender. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. Every time. Then he'd wonder why I 'never initiated.' Maybe because it just felt like an animal act and not like an expression of love????

It all makes so much more sense now...


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Oct 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And it never felt intimate

Oh, hell, yes. SAfWH would come home, later than he should have, of course. He has SUCH a demanding job, dontcha know... I would be dealing with all the crap that comes with kids, bill, home maintenance, dinner, homework, MY demanding job that I couldn't stay late to attend to BECAUSE of the above mentioned responsibilities, I lug all the necessary materials home, mark papers in the car, on the cabinet while cooking, supervising HW, AFTER everyone else was taken care of-you get the picture. He'd saunter in, I know now, he'd have stopped at his favorite strip club, and GRIND against me. Yuch. And then get pissed because I didn't greet him with a hug and kiss. Gross.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2918 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even after we were married, it was often impossible to just hug or lie together. Everything had to turn into sex. The smallest touch and he was ready to go. Part of me thought "maybe that's a good sign that after years together he's so turned on by me" but part of me felt like it was unnatural that he was wanting sex 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. And it never felt intimate, was never slow and tender. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. Every time. Then he'd wonder why I 'never initiated.' Maybe because it just felt like an animal act and not like an expression of love????

Marlie- I relate to this 1000%.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
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