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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-12
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

List of resources for Spouses/Partners of SA


This is the advice and list of resources compiled from past and current posters on this thread dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. Educate yourself about SA and codependency. Focusing on yourself and your own recovery will strengthen you to deal with the SA and the impact on your life, whether you choose to stay with your SA or not.

The SA must seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) . The SA must work their recovery on their own. Even if the SA doesn’t get help, the spouse needs to get counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. Be sure that the therapists are CSATs and/or trained in sex addiction and trauma. If you are in a remote area, many CSATs will skype their sessions. Contact some on the list to see which ones are available for this.

12 step meetings are mandatory for SAs. They are also highly recommended for spouses. The IRL support of others going through the same process is invaluable.


First and foremost read these books:


Book Resources for Spouses/Partners of SA

1. 
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. (An essential read regarding trauma of spouses.)
2. Hope and Freedom For Sexual Addicts and Their Partners, by Milton Magness. (Primer for SA education for both SA and spouse. Great first book.)
3. Stop Sex Addiction, by Milton Magness. (Nice explanation of how the process of recovery ideally works.)
4. Facing Heartbreak, by Stefanie Carnes and Anthony Rodriguez. The new workbook for partners of SAs. (workbook)
5. Intimate Treason, Healing the Trauma for Partners Confronting Sex Addiction, by Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi. (workbook)
6. The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick Carnes. (Good good book for anyone in a dysfunctional relationship.)
7. Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts, by Stefanie Carnes.
8. 
Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets, by Claudia Black PhD.
9. Intimacy Anorexia, by Douglas Weiss. (Just the book for both SAs and spouses suffering from Intimacy and Sexual Anorexia.)
10. Don''t Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction, by Patrick Carnes.


Online Resources for Spouses/Partners:

S-Anon (for the spouses/partners of SAs): http://www.sanon.org

COSA (spouses/partners/children of SAs) http://www.cosa-recovery.org

A website with good info on boundaries for dealing with an SA it: 
http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

To find a CSAT (Certified Sex Addict Therapist), look for one that specializes in dealing with spouses and trauma. http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-addiction-help/sex-addiction-therapists

www.sexhelp.com (Patrick Carnes main site, the founding expert of SA, there are many resources and info on SA)


12 steps for S-Anon: (COSA is very similar)

1. We admitted we were powerless over sexaholism - that our lives had become unmanageable. 

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
𔆓. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
𔆔. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
𔆖. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
𔆘. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
𔆙. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Humanist version for AA, can be modified for SA:
http://realisticrecovery.wordpress.com/2009/05/06/12-steps-humanist-version/


For SAs:

The SA must seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist]

12 step meetings are mandatory for SAs.



Online resources for SAs:

Find a CSAT: http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-addiction-help/sex-addiction-therapists


Sexaholics Anonymous: (Recommended by most CSATS, more stringent definition of healthy sexual behavior) At this site there is information for the SA and spouse that may be helpful. http://www.sa.org/

SAA: 
 http://saa-recovery.org/

SLAA: http://www.slaafws.org/ (for sex and love addicts)

Recovery Nation is an online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.) http://www.recoverynation.com

http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on the porn aspect of SA.



Book Resources for SAs:

To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn''t face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want.

1. 
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, by Patrick Carnes (workbook).
2. Recovery Zone, Patrick Carnes (workbook).
3. A Gentle Path, Patrick Carnes.
4. Hope and Freedom For Sexual Addicts and Their Partners, by Milton Magness.
5. Stop Sex Addiction, by Milton Magness.
6. Porn Nation by Michael Leahy, for SAs that are addicted to Porn.

***Please stop posting links to personal blogs***

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:26 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New thread - We have been a busy bunch. To continue on the convo about Thanks for Sharing, my SAWH and I saw it together. The movie was hosted by a local CSAT (SAWH's new CSAT) and had a discussion panel after. This was a phenomenal way to see it and discuss what was going on in the film. It didn't have much of a portrayal of what goes on for the BS, since it was a new relationship for the main character. So some of the things that the film showed in that relationship seemed far fetched. The setting we watched it in was perfect, everyone there was affected by SA. It isn't in theaters anymore and my COSA group is going to get together when it comes out on DVD and watch it together. I do not suggest watching it without some support, as some scenes are triggery.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
SpaceJane
♀ Member
Member # 40303
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Busy bunch indeed!
Good to know missy, I refused to watch it with my H as only watching the trailer made me cry. Like I said, maybe in a few years. Too early for me :(
Thanks for posting the starting material in this new page. I know that when I started it helped me a bunch.


Me BS: 29
SAWH: 29
M: 3yrs ; T: 12yrs
DDay1: 8/11/13 confessed to tip of the iceberg.
DDay2: 8/26/13 Found secret email, 7 yrs of CL casual encounters, dating websites, massage parlors, etc.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, since I can edit the page. Is there anything that anyone wants to add or change on the info post? I would like to include a link for S-Annon and COSA. Maybe shorten the steps listed and just put the traditional and humanist. I would like to clean it up a little to make it more readable. Maybe tonight, as I am about to take my son to the doctor. So, any input would be greatly welcome.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was going to suggest just posting links to the different 12 step versions to shorten the first post. Here's one for the agnostic/atheist version:

http://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/atheistagnostic-12-steps/

I can't find one for the humanist version, but maybe just linking to the alcohol one for humanists is enough:

http://realisticrecovery.wordpress.com/2009/05/06/12-steps-humanist-version/

And of course the link for the SA and S-Anon ones are

S-Anon (for the spouses/partners): http://www.sanon.org/steps.html

SA: http://www.sa.org/steps.php

SAA:
http://saa-recovery.org/OurProgram/TheTwelveSteps/


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ordered several of those books from our library, thank you. I should get them within a few weeks.

I installed a spy thingy on our computer last week. Today when I checked it, I saw that WS had been watching erotic dancing videos on Youtube.

I found a way to block them, of course. I had already blocked porn on the computer, and he must have realized that and decided to get his fix some other way.

I wish I could kick him out right now but I want to get along for the sake of retaining my rights to own our house. If we had a blowup now, he might not sign off on it.

But oh man, how I would like to confront him about those dancing whores.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 152 | Registered: Oct 2013
StuckInHell
♀ New Member
Member # 40741
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marlie-
what is the spy-thingy called you installed on the computer? I am not very computer savvy. SAWH is electrical engineer, so I think he will always outsmart me in this area. We installed Qustodio on all the computers ipads, and iphones. I have been told they are easy to get around, so I wonder if it was worth it.

I saw a CSAT yesterday for IC. I was very impressed. I am having a hard time with the concept of just working on me, and not worrying about SAWH, even though I know in my heart I have to for our children and myself. I have an appt. with a divorce lawyer next week to see what my options are. I told SAWH that I have every right to divorce him and that I am giving him a huge gift by even being willing to give reconciliation a shot. I also told him not to screw this chance up. He seemed to understand what I was saying.

How do you ever know with SAWH if you are being lied to or if they are being genuine and honest??


BS(Me)42
SAWH 41
Married 19 Years
2 Kids 14, 12
Status: D Day 10/20/13, in just found out for sure limbo

Posts: 26 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Colorado
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never really considered keyloggers or anything like that since H is a computer programmer. I'm sure he was on high alert just like I was after DDay. I still wonder if he checks if I'm checking on him.

marlie, sorry he's doing everything he can to act out. :(


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 440 | Registered: Mar 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone, that's what scares the bejeezes out of me. My SAWF had become such a proficient liar I don't know that I can ever feel safe in trusting his word on anything. There are still times the hair on the back of my neck stands up because I just don't know. We can talk about something and I get what I think is a clear understanding of the situation only to find some minor discrepancies the next time we discuss it. Lying? I don't know but, I have to believe that he has done it for so long it has become second nature. Add another one of those "things" to work on.

I'm no where near trusting. After the incident a couple of weeks ago of him looking at those ridiculous pictures, I tried to install a key logger. H was out if town and it was a little more difficult to do than the ad proclaimed. I still haven't gotten it up and running but, that's my mission for today. I told myself I wouldn't live this was but, I have to find out somehow if he is really being serious about this and I feel like this is the only way I can really know. It's just too easy to do private browsing or delete history. I'm not getting fooled again.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too outta! I can't even check up on him if I wanted, so how am I supposed to ever feel safe again? On his word? Look where that got me! He is so good with computers that he was able to hide everything (including a long term A) for this long.
He is trying radical honesty, which includes him admitting that it is still very difficult for him to not lie. It's so natural to him that it usually just comes out and he then has to come back and tell me the truth.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 9:58 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 440 | Registered: Mar 2013
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stuck, I used a program called Argos Monitoring. Free download and you get a certain amount of time free (a few days, a week I think). Then you pay $40 for the license if you want to continue. The only way to bring up the screen is to type a certain password anywhere and the menu pops up. I chose a password that WS would never know because it's a telephone number I had when I was a little child and the town I lived in at that time.

I'll also mention that my WS is NOT computer-savvy. He never even graduated high school or learned cursive writing. Everything he knows about computers he learned from me. I did laugh though to see how he tried to erase the browsing history on the computer. Ha! I was able to 'watch it happen' when I brought up the Argos screen. He also knows that I have his FB password, so he keeps going in there and erasing pm conversations, not knowing that I have a way to see his keystrokes anyway.

The Paypal account we had was connected to my bank account, so I went in yesterday and disconnected it. Other than that, he has pretty much no access to any of my financial assets other than our furniture. I have bank accounts in the US and in the country in which we live, but only my name is on them. He's very much a 'pay with cash' kind of guy. He hasn't had a debit card since we left the US.

Even now when he's trying to find things on Ebay, he still asks for my help because he can't spell to save his life. But even that will be mostly useless to him since up until now, he had things delivered to my US address (he cannot enter the US, he's barred)...and then I would bring them home. It's actually kind of funny in a sad way how much he has to lose when we break up.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 152 | Registered: Oct 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The program I bought is web watcher. The ad claims that it is 100% undetectable so, we'll see. That is if I ever get it installed. I scares me to death because I know the possibility exists that I will find something. The thing that has changed for me is that while emotionally it would do a number on me but, I'm much stronger than I was a few months ago. I have stated my boundaries, acting out & lying being top of the list, so if they are violated I'm pretty sure that I'm done. I'm too old to continue down a dead end path.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
StuckInHell
♀ New Member
Member # 40741
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

outta- I know what you mean when you say to know more would be hard emotionally. I am afraid to look for more. In my heart I know there is more. What he has admitted to is so shocking, I can't fathom what else there could be. Too bad Pinnocchio is just a fairy tale. Would be nice to have some type of a truth-o-meter.


BS(Me)42
SAWH 41
Married 19 Years
2 Kids 14, 12
Status: D Day 10/20/13, in just found out for sure limbo

Posts: 26 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Colorado
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to really encourage the new members to not get sucked into spending all your time monitoring your SA. If you need proof for divorce or confrontation, that is understandable. Spending all of your energy on monitoring them will only make you feel worse. Try and limit when you look to when you get a gut feeling that there is something going on. That helps you start to rebuild your instincts. This was the advice my CSAT gave me and has been good, solid advice.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gonna agree with Missy on that. BTDT. Initially after DD, I did load up the internet history (you can pull it from DOS even if it's private), did the keylogger, did the VAR in the car, did the GPS on his phone, downloaded his entire FB history, his google search history, etc. It takes so much time and when you do hit something, it's devastating. I was in full-on PTSD mode and thought that verifying everything would give me peace. Instead it increased my anxiety when it didn't work, or when I spent so much time listening and searching nothing when I really needed that time for getting through life.

So really, I would only use it if:
1) you need it for evidence for D. Then pay someone else to do it if you can, or get a friend to go through it first, to spare you the pain.
2) you are in the post-initial confrontation stage and you are seeing if he is covering up tracks or doing what he says he's doing. Really you only need a week to do this. If you find one thing, then you have your answer - you don't need to keep doing it unless you need the evidence for D.
3) you have a gut feeling he is acting out.

I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying if it is difficult or takes an inordinate amount of time, then don't do that particular method. And try to only do it when you really need it. It is so easy to get sucked into this and wonder where all your time went.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. For me, I'm doing it right now because he's love bombing and cake eating, and it helps me to remember exactly whom I'm dealing with. I never saw him with the ONS's, so it can be hard to believe when he wraps an arm around me or tenderly kisses my forehead. When I see images on the screen of what he's been doing when I'm not there, then I can remind myself that he may feel bad for how he's hurt me, but he's still doing it.

This way, if he decides he doesn't want to move out after all...I will kick him out and have the ammo to do it with.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 152 | Registered: Oct 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope my post didn't come across as advocating constant snooping! I actually never check up on him. I refuse to. It would drive me insane! But, I do admit that it leads to me not feeling safe and I have no idea if intimacy is even possible for us.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 440 | Registered: Mar 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Passive checking worked best for me. We had an app that notified me when he left and arrived at specific locations. My control of the money helped, too. Of course, it didn't erase the possibility of online porn, but his knowledge hat I would and could check at any time was a deterrent to him ONCE HE GOT INTO REAL RECOVERY. I didn't check often, for the same reasons you all have stated, I didn't want to be retraumatized.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2895 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been monitoring at all but, then when he slipped a couple of weeks ago it rocked me to my core. My H acted out for 18 years. Eighteen years!!! Although my gut told me something was "off", this kind of activity was not even in my realm of possibility. I don't have what it takes to do this again. I haven't even fully recovered from the initial impact of the dday collision. It probably goes against the conventional wisdom of the experts and may lead to chasing your tail but, I'm not ever going to be caught of guard like that again. If I can help it. I don't do GPS or VAR. I did finally exhaust myself initially after about two months of nonstop digging so I now only check the phone records about once a month. Sometimes longer.

After all those years of looking me in the eye, lying and gas lighting, I don't know if or when I will ever be able to trust him. For my own sanity, it's the only way I feel like I can try to protect myself and it will just be a bonus if I end up with some evidence.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 4:58 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2013
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