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User Topic: What was most hurtful... The A or the lies?
WarehouseGuy
♂ Member
Member # 6037
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies. And at that point I knew they would never end and I wasn't willing to live like that anymore.

whg

[This message edited by WarehouseGuy at 6:53 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

Posts: 5153 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: Michigan
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the biggest hurt was when he chose to pursue a life with her and walked out on dday.

That is the one act I may never forgive him for. Well, maybe because he is still not showing remorse.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1232 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Shattered-Heart
♀ Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The LIES and TT (which is really just more lying by omission to CYA).
In marriage counseling I asked him straight out "Is there anything else I don't know?" (Thinking hell, that covers *everything* just in case). Him: "No."
'No' meant this DD #1 of an EA with someone who didn't want to be bothered having sex with me is really what happened both before and after the PA - LTA as well of course - that had been going on. While I begged you to quit your job, move countries and get pregnant and have our child!
When I discovered the PA a whole lotta sh*t hit the fan. He lied to EVERYONE. Rewrote history like a MFer. He supposedly says I have it all, but there is SO much he hasn't told me that I know for sure, and a lot of what was spouted by evil spurned OW (he eventually dumped her before I found out when she demanded more). Who knows the extent of the lies. He can't even keep track of what he said. He lied to everyone, me, them, his family, my family, in counseling. All after knowing past history with my ex a$$hole #1. How do you intentionally rip someone's heart out of their chest while purporting to love them? KNOWING full well what it did to them once before?
The physical and emotional toll is astronomic.
Someone asked me (a doctor) 'Is it over?' After a bitter laugh I replied 'It's over like a nuclear bomb. The initial explosion is finished, but fallout continues.'


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason I posted this is because I too believe the lies were more damaging to our marriage than the A. Yes of course the A was heartbreaking and cruel! It was thoughtless and completely selfish. But we're all human, we make mistakes, and when you figure out somebody has had an A and the lies keep pouring in, you get to the point where you don't believe a word that is coming out of their mouth. So by the time they start telling the truth, the damage has been done.

Thanks for your ideas, I'm hoping my WH will read this and GET IT.


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13; 10-14; 4-22-14
Married 16 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starting all over :-X


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Rosebud)))

When you said:

I'd have to say both. The multiple A's that he kept lying about while I had my suspicions and then finding out and confronting him and still having him lie to my face equally hurt. The A was like realizing that someone has shot you and then turning around and realizing that it was the person that you least expected, the person that you trusted with your life. The lies felt like seeing them walk away as you lie in pain in the pool of blood that they caused by their actions. It only hurts worse and causes more pain to you. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's truly how I felt.

I don't think that's dramatic at all, that is EXACTLY how I felt too. Almost like garbage. When someone you love and trust betrays you like that, it is the initial shot (or knife wound) and them walking away (pouring poison in the wound) is the same thing. IT SUCKS!


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13; 10-14; 4-22-14
Married 16 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starting all over :-X


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
whiteflower99
♀ Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it was the lies and gaslighting. He is a pro at this.


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1689 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Flame  Posted: 7:29 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've ALSO been listening to the song Reason to Believe. The A was devastating, mine fucked her near my birthday twice and our anniversary twice.

My d-day was in August of last year. He had NO problem lying to me for the past year while he was being blackmailed by OW's BH. I was FIGHTING for my life with a life-threatening illness when my lovely H decided to start this with an old g/f. IMAGINE for a moment how that feels. That he fucked her 3 days after my BD. We always go to the fair for my BD, he knew he was going to fuck her for the first time in 3 days. It MAKES ME SICK.

So let's finish this post from the above mentioned song


deena, I hear you.

So finding out about the A was the big horrible shock, extremely painful in one blow.

Lies just brings on the slow painful death for the person you were.

I keep thinking of Rod Stewart's song "Reason to Believe"

With the line "knowing that you lied straight faced while I cried"


[This message edited by cluless at 7:33 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13; 10-14; 4-22-14
Married 16 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starting all over :-X


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea. There was so much of each. To me? The infidelity, I think. It to our marriage, the lies.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8294 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
WIgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've told my IC before that I don't think the affair alone is a dealbreaker for me - if it was, I would have left months ago.

But, what I'm trying to reconcile now is the continued emotional abuse, just by virtue of having the affair. The breaking of No Contact 3 times. The lack of effort on his part to truly help me heal now. It's better than it was, but not where I think it needs to be for us to reconcile. I'm so destroyed that I am no longer the love of his life like I used to be. I feel like a punching bag and I'm not sure how much more I can take.


Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Separated/Divorcing

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((WIGirl))

I'm so sorry your WH cheated on you and didn't mop up the mess he made. I get how much that hurts. I was so angry/bitter /full of rage, that I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him. I would call him names, one time I even attacked him (he came into my space when I told him not to) well he PUSHED his way in. The point is, he shut down at that point and I was left to deal with all of this by myself.

When the man you "thought" loved you and was going to be there for the rest of your life acts like this, it is a complete and utter derailment of your life. Some of us have our WS (to some degree) taking responsibility and nurturing our R/M back on track.

When my WH had his back turned on me for awhile, I became suicidal, I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. Somebody had mentioned reading co-dependency no more, I had the book from my WH, so I started reading it, it's not me. But ALOT of WHO I THOUGHT I was == was tied to him and the pain was UNBEARABLE. I hope he comes around for you and give you at least the peace/closure you deserve.


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13; 10-14; 4-22-14
Married 16 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starting all over :-X


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
embee
♀ Member
Member # 41100
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the lies, for me, without question. In my case it was mostly lies of omission although he did tell me many times that there was nothing romantic between them, and when I first confronted him, he briefly denied it. They were "best friends" so I knew they were spending a lot of time together, I just didn't know how that time was being spent.

I understand completely that wandering eyes/minds/etc. is a part of human nature, so the fact that he fell "in love" with someone else and wanted to act on it is much, much easier to swallow than the fact that he hid it from me. He didn't have to. We've always been 100% open with each other, and if he'd told me from the start we could have worked it out. Instead, he kept an incredibly hurtful secret from me, and now I have to live with the reality that he's not the person I thought he was.


Me: BS, 26
Him: WH, 28
D-Day: 10/23/13
Separated

"Are you hurting the one you love?
You said you got to heaven, but it wasn't enough."


Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2013
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both but the lies and the gaslighting and the cruelty during the A and for 1 week post dday hurt the most of all

He's been amazing since the fog lifted. The man I married. In fact even better

But the episodes of utter cruelty are etched on my memory. I can't even go there in my mind


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
watersofavalon
♀ Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I was 'lucky' in that H only directly lied to me once - when I started to have suspicions and asked 'is there something between you and T?'. But I started to dig and found texts. He was quite straight with me after (of course one of the little gifts of infidelity is that you can never be 100% sure of that ever again)

So the fact that the affair happened was the worst bit for me.


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it was the lies.

The lies made me doubt myself and my sanity
The lies kept me trapped in the relationship
The lies took away my choices


Had it been an A and I was given the truth from the first A, I would have had the information needed to make an informed decision - stay/go. Lies kept me in limbo for 12 years and eroded my self esteem to nothing whilst he amassed multiple OW/notches on his belt.

Most hurtful though are the lies I told myself.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
NotDefeatedYet
♂ Member
Member # 33642
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies set everything up for long term distrust. It's bad enough you gotta go screw someone else, but when you lie about it, that's all you.


"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

Posts: 765 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think for me, actually, the thought of the multiple A's hurt more. Maybe because I can picture him smiling, flirting, and enjoying himself and his orgasmic sex with other people and then come home and complain 'why did I never want to initiate sex.' Um, because it always just felt like an animal act, not an expression of love? Because it was all about wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am and rarely about my own pleasure? Of course, now that I know he was getting off with a zillion other women, no wonder he couldn't be bothered to give me pleasure.

But what hurts most now is that he is not making changes. And choosing to move out. I'm not even being given the satisfaction of making the decision myself to end the marriage. I'm just cheated all round.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 209 | Registered: Oct 2013
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Marlie))

Thank the Gods he is moving out! I wasn't going to be the one to break up the M. If my WH walked out, then it was be the A, lies, desertion.

You will be better off without him. I can't even imagine how painful that would be. But I do believe in karma and he will get his, one way or another.

In the meantime, work on making YOU happy. Work out, hang out with friends, go to meetup.com you can find all kinds of people who are interested in the same activities. It was a lifesaver for me! You're going to be great!

hugs.....


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13; 10-14; 4-22-14
Married 16 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starting all over :-X


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the lies.

"Supposedly" there was no sex in both of his A's Who the hell knows?

OW #1 called, and made a date with him at his work. Now there is ONLY one fuckin' way she got his number, and there was no interent back then!! Him: Gee, IDR!

OW #2 he admitted HE was the one who looked her up, after 35 yrs! For 2 yrs, until D-day he would look me in the eye, and swear "I don't have a GF" "I'm not on Classmates" "I'm not planning on a D" "I don't have a L". In MC, I got a lot of IDK, IDR.

Soooo...I have shown him that I will accept his lies, and there are no consequences for them.

Little does HE know I am getting the ducks lined up, and I am going to be "blowin' this popsicle stand". Who, me? Lieing? Just by omission, and I dont' feel bad about it at all!!

He had so many chances, in our lives, and just can never seem to even walk up to the plate.

man, am I in a cliche mode today, or what?


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies. And the texting etc. The A wasn't even that much- they only met up 3 times (but it started at our housewarming, which is awful, so four) and each time they were blind drunk and taking drugs/getting stoned. My WH was very depressed and was acting totally out of character. They didn't have sex and mostly just made out.

But they both lied to me, over and over again. They even invited me to the pub on one of the times they met up= that haunts me, that I could have gone there and met them after they'd been kissing behind my back. The lies were the worst.


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what is strange? I've told my husband so many times that the lying damaged me the most and I explained why and yet he still doesn't get it. He thinks I would have reacted the same either way. I said we'll never know because I wasn't given the opportunity. He made the decision for both of us.

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013
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