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User Topic: What was most hurtful... The A or the lies?
marg0310
♀ New Member
Member # 41098
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first hurt is finding out about the A and then you put all the lies together into one big lump of hurt and deception. There are so many lies when you think about it later, oh, that's why!!!!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Michigan
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the money he wasted on his whore!

Amen to that. And the money he continues to waste on her even now while not paying child support. What an ass. It all hurts..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2400 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it was all...but the main thing-

The main hurt for me is knowing that when he had "trouble" or "problems", he did not seek me out, but others. And when he told me, yes, it was lies. And on and on with lies...still coming.

Throughout the M, I went to him with everything, he was my bff, my confidant and where was he? Oh, at the beginning and for much of it, he did come to me. But after a job change and some other things, he changed, too.

We all know, by now.

the other thing that's major for me is that he knew what he was setting out to do and looked me right in the face. He knew the pain that was coming. But knowing what he was doing while DD and I suffered...yes, the lies ache, surely, but the suffering he caused on purpose...and throwing me under the bus to friends and family-my own family-

Maybe this is too much of a loaded question for me. Sorry so long.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
WhiteCarrera
♂ Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without a doubt the lies after D-Day. Since then, the consistent pattern has been:

Deny,
Deny,
When faced with something undeniable, admit to only the minimum,
Repeat.

Even now, four years later, I think she tries to determine how important a detail might be, and then she decides whether it's relevant to tell me or not. So wrong...


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 277 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most hurtful - it must be the lies for me. They leave me wondering.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Jul 2011
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies.

The affair happened when she was in fantasy dream unicorn shitting rainbow land. The lies occured AFTER she knew how she devasted me. Forgiving the actual crossing of boundaries into and EA and ONS are easier to forgive than the trickle truth/ breaking NC aftermath.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2262 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No doubt the A I found out about first (#4) was devastating. I'm basically over that part now though. It was just a symptom of a bigger disease.

What I can't shake sometimes is the doubt the lying created. While we were separated, I discovered a whole world of sexting and porn he had been into for 6 years! After we started dating again, I asked if he had slept with any others. He looked me in the eyes and told me "NO". Six weeks after he moved home, I found out about #2 and 3. Hurt, YES. As much as when it all first started, NO. The more lies I discovered, the less the pain and the more my "Don't give a shit" meter rose.

Now, I supposedly have all of the truth. He is living an authentic life and we are happy again - for the most part. I guess some part of me will always have a sliver of doubt though. I'm not sure I'll ever trust Anyone 100% again.

And that fact hurts most of all...

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 3:33 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has lied to me in the past about other things, by outright lie or lies of ommission. I didn't like it but I don't consider that on par with giving his affections to another woman.

THIS!

I think that the affair was worse for me.

The lying made it drawn out and ultimately the lack of trust was the icing on the cake.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm used to lies and liars. His actual cheating hurt the worst for me.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3913 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could forgive the cheap sex. It was the continued lying after DDay that became the bigger problem. He saw the devastation he created for me, for our daughters, yet he kept lying while swearing on his father's grave, his daughters' lives, blah blah blah, that he was telling the truth. He lied so much, he didn't know what the truth was anymore. It's a pathetic man who does that to his family.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 5 month TT bonus package I got. Oh, and it wasn't over. Just found out more almost a year later!! I think you all know where this is going...


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both hurt like hell but the lies much more and the manner at which they were carried out! The premeditation and manipulation along with the deceit ! I don't think I can ever get past. If she just f..ked someone else one drunken night I could have got past it. But the lies never


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 693 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 236 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm back to add that the A was a giant knife in my heart that there is no recovery from, but the continued lies, TT, broken NC and blatant refusal to do the work needed to help me heal and for R has been the most devastating. He effed up HUGE, he took the drug and got hooked, but to continue such cruelty AFTER realizing what the A had done to me and this family? There are no words for this kind of pain.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 4:12 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies.

Because I know now they don't lie to protect the BS. They lie to protect themselves. So everything from the affair, to the cover up, to the TT, is complete and total disregard for the BS in my mind and self-serving, self-protecting and ego driven.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me I feel the A did the most damage physically and emotionally.
The shock sent me into a terrible tailspin. Couldn't eat and if I did it wouldn't stay. I lost over 40 lbs in less than 3 months.

But the lies.......they did lots of damage too.

Every time I found out more of the truth it cut deep. My reaction physically and mentally was not as much of an explosive kind of damaging. But I did lose more and more of the kind of person I was.

So finding out about the A was the big horrible shock, extremely painful in one blow.
Lies just brings on the slow painful death for the person you were.

I keep thinking of Rod Stewart's song "Reason to Believe"
With the line "knowing that you lied straight faced while I cried"

Now what kind of person does this to some one they "love".



Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3068 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep thinking of Rod Stewart's song "Reason to Believe"
With the line "knowing that you lied straight faced while I cried"

Now what kind of person does this to some one they "love".

I've listened to this song many times since June, and that line says it all.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
3kids30years
♀ Member
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies, the continued lies. To look me in the eye, to see WH tear up as he says - "that's the truth. That's all of it." And he knows he is lying, still lying. Does he even know the truth?

I think I can get past the A, but the lies - those I'm not sure I can get past. The seeing me in such pain, and choosing to hurt me again, and again.


BS - mid 50's
WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm
TT until 9/02/13
NC broken 4/15/14
2year+ "passionate" EA/PA

Married 30+ years and here I am. Heartbroken.
4/14 Trying to make it thru each day
9/14 - getting better. we


Posts: 217 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Nor Cal
hester
♀ Member
Member # 12288
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The repeated lies. Deep inside I now no longer trust anyone.

Posts: 370 | Registered: Oct 2006
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