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User Topic: What was most hurtful... The A or the lies?
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Question  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NOBODY knows how much infidelity hurts until it happens to you. I always thought it would be painful, but was NOT prepared for this. Since I was lied to well over a year after discovering A, I was wondering what do YOU think is more damaging to the R/M, The initial A OR the TT, LIES!???


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The most hurtful and damaging is the unending lies. The lies are him telling me I am not worthy enough as a person to be given the truth.

I asked for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth since DDay1. As far as I'm concerned trickle truth is simply a delicate phrase for lies of omission.

R is not possible without full disclosure, any lies are a death sentence and that includes lies of omission.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No doubt about it. 100% - the lies - the friggin lies.

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
2oldforthis
♀ Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure I could separate the 2. The A is a lie. A lie of omisson. I made a vow to be with you, to love you. Now behind your back I am with another.

Both hurt terribly.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Jun 2008
need_hope
♀ Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The A was the stab wound. The lies were the poison he continued to pour in the wound to keep it from healing.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1732 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies. Definitely. But not just the ones he told me, also the ones he told other people about me. His family, our friends, his coworkers, even my family and our children. It's like an alternate reality mindfuck, and I don't even know all the lies he told or what I should tell people he lied about. I'll just never know them all...

I probably could have forgiven the sex. The lies are what sealed the coffin on our marriage..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2230 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The affair. (If there was no affair, there would be nothing to lie about.)


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point it's the lies. The fog and the lies are pushing our marriage down the toilet.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The trickle truth and the lies did 90% of the damage. I understand that people make mistakes....that communication breaks down and people grow apart. I even accept my role in my husband's EA. I stopped communicating with him too. I shut down. What I will never understand is why he lied about it. The way he watched me suffer and fall apart in front of his eyes and he continued to lie and TT me. He tried to convince me I was creating things in my head. I fell for it several times...I believed him each time he said I knew everything there was to know, only to be side swiped by the next discovery.

One of those times he convinced me that he only saw her outside of work twice and another male coworker was with them both times and that they were all just friends. She confirms the story and I believe it. I actually felt stupid for overreacting. My husband gets us both in a room at work and apologizes for putting both of us in an uncomfortable position with each other. I try to make things more comfortable and tell them both that I'm excited to start working with both of them and I think the 3 of us will make a great team at work and I hope we can all put this behind us and not feel uncomfortable. I was such a naive idiot! He called her earlier that day and told her exactly what to say to me. They both lied to me. It wasn't twice but 4 times and they were alone and out together at 3am. I trusted this man to look out for me. To protect me. To respect me. He worked as a team with the OW to deceive and mislead me. I'm so dumb to have fallen for it.


Posts: 655 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both.

It was multiple affairs, a LTA. The knowledge of that still takes my breath away. Wondering how he could do that to me.

The lies for years just made the affairs so much worse. Instead of just one stab wound, there were hundreds.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
rosebud09
♀ New Member
Member # 38568
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd have to say both. The multiple A's that he kept lying about while I had my suspicions and then finding out and confronting him and still having him lie to my face equally hurt. The A was like realizing that someone has shot you and then turning around and realizing that it was the person that you least expected, the person that you trusted with your life. The lies felt like seeing them walk away as you lie in pain in the pool of blood that they caused by their actions. It only hurts worse and causes more pain to you. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's truly how I felt.

[This message edited by rosebud09 at 11:22 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
Him- WS
3 beautiful children and a fur baby
DDay- 2/20/2013

One day at a time...


Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2013
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll say both but I am one who is never going to say the lies hurt more than the actual acts and things said, and possible feelings expressed to someone else by my H.

Posts: 5741 | Registered: Apr 2006
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The affair. (If there was no affair, there would be nothing to lie about.)

My H has lied to me in the past about other things, by outright lie or lies of ommission. I didn't like it but I don't consider that on par with giving his affections to another woman.


Posts: 5741 | Registered: Apr 2006
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies are all I know ATM. I'm not sure I've heard the truth from her to even consider the A.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't get any TT. I found evidence of everything on d-day so he gave up lying. Also, he desperately wanted out of the A by then, and he hit rock-bottom.

Still, the f#cking itself isn't the worst part. For me, it's the blameshifting he did during the A. He was mean, critical and downright emotionally abusive. If I hadn't been lucky enough to have the healthiest FOO, supportive friends and IC, it would have destroyed me.

I can forgive him for self-destructing, but it's the fact that he tried to drag me down with him that hurts the most.

I guess it's like a drowning person who will panic and drown their rescuer. Thank God for SI, for the 180, and for whatever it is deep inside fWH that decided to learn to swim.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 12:08 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
HeartStings
♀ Member
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the money he wasted on his whore! Thank goodness I was so frugal for the entire marriage. /sarc

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
chipmunk41
♀ New Member
Member # 40694
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me it was the lies...

Our marriage was going downhill and he seemed off. On several occasions I did ask him, if there is someone else? He swore up and down that there is no one... I believed him.

So, to me it's the lies.


wake me up when it's over...

Posts: 45 | Registered: Sep 2013
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point for me it's his lack of participation in my healing journey and thus R.

To me, no matter the words he says, the hugs, the kisses...none of it makes a difference if he doesn't roll up his sleeves and face the nastiness to deal with it. FOO, M and As.

Anything less tells me that when it comes down to it, he still values himself more.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11185 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies afterwards. I really think we could have and would have recovered quicker if he had simply not lied and maintained no contact. Seriously, the lies were so out there.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Jan 2013
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lies(and the secrets)


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 326 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 67
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