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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I have become a cliche
nomadlady
♀ Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About two months ago, my husband told me that he had an affair. How did this become my life? How did I become that person--you know, the wife who gets cheated on?

Not an hour goes by where I'm not aware of what's happened. It's with me all the time. While I love my husband and can't imagine a life without him, I don't know how it's possible to go forward and be normal one day. I feel like, with him, I can only be that woman, that woman that got cheated on. I don't want to be that woman.

And most of all, I'm tired of the self-loathing. I feel a failure as a wife. I know that I could chant the mantra "His affair was about him and his selfishness and not about my qualities/lack of qualities...blah, blah, blah." But I feel what I feel right now and platitudes aren't going to help.

I fluctuate between hopefulness and hopelessness. One day I feel like we may be able to get through this together. The next day I'm sobbing uncontrollably and considering packing and leaving. I guess I thought the "healing process" was going to be linear--that things would get better a little bit each day.

Sorry, I know this isn't a very optimistic post for anyone who's here looking to feel better.

[This message edited by nomadlady at 5:33 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so very sorry. I know exactly what you mean about being a cliche. This is the worst pain I have ever been in. I am six(?) months post D-day and all I can tell you is that I no longer lay on the floor. It does get better. I no longer feel like I'm not beautiful enough, or thin enough, or interesting enough... at least not most days. The anger kicks in and you start to get a better sense of your own value. You'll be ok, really you will. Whatever happens, just know that you did not deserve this and that you could not have prevented it. And you're not alone, even though that is what makes it a cliche.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jul 2013
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome here little sister...

So, your story is a cliche.
Funny thing about cliches... the elements they build on are all the same. What does this mean?

Well...

It means that the affair was not your fault. Affairs happen because something was missing within the WS that lead them to seek the external validation of the affair. Deep down, they were afraid of something and confronting that something, so they seek a band-aid to stroke their ego. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with the OW.

It means that you can successfully reconcile - assuming that your WH is willing to do the necessary work. He has come forward with the truth and has cut off contact with the OW. This indicates initiative on his part to set things right. If he is capable of taking responsibility for his decisions and putting a plan together to rebuild on trust and honesty your marriage stands a good chance. I would suggest counseling, marriage and individual, for you both.

It means, that your best chance to save your marriage, is to make the marriage attractive by working on your own self improvement and making it hard to leave and the affair a bad place to be. This means learning how to communicate effectively and how to get involved with your life. It means that you must take care of your health. It means taking steps to protect what is important to you by educating yourself with a consult with a lawyer. I also suggest that you inform the OW's BH - exposure tends to soil the fantasy of the affair and show it for what it really is.

It means that you have some thinking to do yourself. About what your needs are and about what you won't tolerate if you are to stay in the marriage. It means that you must be willing to express these to your husband and that you must be willing to back it up with action.

It means that, yeah... you are gonna feel crazy. And upset. And frustrated. And angry. And sad. And all that other stuff. But, at the same time, it means that you have the capacity to heal from this if you are willing to take care of yourself. It means that if you can take the time to think about your needs and boundaries and focus on the choices that you make that you will move forward in your life, one way or another. It means that you do have a bright future ahead of you if you are willing to commit to yourself.

It means... that you're gonna be okay.

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:39 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
AlexFL
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually think its hopeful you can reconcile. Mine cheated on me several times and each time I had to be a detective to find out. A little honestly would have made the blow a little less. I am STILL torn as to what I want to do. An outsider would say leave him. He's done it several times - I think it's something deeper than just a cheap thrill. I have asked him to seek counsel to heal whatever it is in him that makes this impulse take precedent over his family. We healed almost 100% last time. It was a very long road. VERY. I am devastated and shocked that he did it again to me recently. I unfortunately realize its time to go... As much as I still love everything else about him- I can not accept this behavior any longer. You are correct it messes with everything that's in you. You lose confidence, you get angry, you feel hopeless. Give your husband another chance. He at least came to you and told you. Try to heal. If anything at least if you walk away, you won't walk away hating one another.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
nomadlady
♀ Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your responses. I was touched by your thoughtfulness and understanding but also wished you all didn't have so much wisdom and empathy about what I'm experiencing because I know you came by those the hard way.

I do feel I'll be okay someday--I just want to be in that place already! :)


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2013
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I do feel I'll be okay someday--I just want to be in that place already! :)

You will get there but you will have to go through the pain. You will have to understand your "new normal".

Your husband took another lover...

It SUCKS!

I could have written your post...I told Mr. Happy that I never wanted to be a statistic. I have always tried to beat the odds.

To realize that we are just the average 3.2 kids midlife crisis nuclear family is shaking my paradigm!

Damn it, I'm special!

Now I see myself as someone who could not keep her man...not compelling or fab enough to keep him interested ...it SUCKS!

Truth is it really is him , not me. I was in the same marriage and I didn't lie and/or cheat .

You are in a good place. We unfortunately have BTDT. We are listening and we care. Lean on us, we are here for you.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
momof1girl
♀ Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the cliche too. I have tried repeating the mantra and WH has not placed any blame on me, but no matter how much you might think that helps, it makes things worse. He says he was happy with me and we were (are) a good thing and he is selfish and thoughtless... but his actions speak louder right now and right now, he is still with OW. I'm afraid to have a good day because it always crashes around me...
You aren't alone and I know I'm not alone and I also know that no amount of platitudes will keep you from feeling what you feel, just like they won't keep me from feeling what I feel. I'm having difficulty letting go of him and I know that holding on is keeping me from healing, but I somehow still have a small grain of hope for us. Especially after what she pulled yesterday. She contacted me, behind his back, and it was an underhanded attack.. She insinuated that she was committed to making him happy all of the time... implying that I did not make him happy and tearing at the little bit of esteem I had. I can say that reading here and talking does help me not feel so alone sometimes, but other times? I curl up in my bed with the blanket pulled over my head and a pillow clutched to my chest. I function when my daughter is home, otherwise I'm like a zombie.


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there is nothing wrong with turning away, honestly, you know what is right for yourself not anyone else.

There are positive signs from his end that reconciliation is possible. However you don't need to reconcile.

Give yourself time to decide. You don't need to make a decision today or tomorrow.

I was wondering when did he confess? How long has it been?


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there is nothing wrong with turning away, honestly, you know what is right for yourself not anyone else.

There are positive signs from his end that reconciliation is possible. However you don't need to reconcile.

Give yourself time to decide. You don't need to make a decision today or tomorrow.

I was wondering when did he confess? How long has it been?


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
nomadlady
♀ Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lauren123, I found out almost two months ago.

Getting to Happy, I know, I know...there's this whole stupid cultural narrative that your husband wouldn't cheat if you knew how to keep him happy. Ha!

I know that I'm where I am because of choices HE made. But, and there is a but, if I'm completely honest with myself, I can see how I might have made him feel lonely in some ways. I'm not saying that I deserve this or his choices are excusable. But, and it's not easy to say this, he is a good man...who did a really bad thing. I can't believe I can say that. I wish I could say otherwise because then I could hate him. I think it would be easier if he was a complete bastard. Well, maybe not.

I just thought if I was ever in this situation (and I never imagined I would be because this crap happens to, you know, "other people"), it would be a clear decision. Someone cheats, the relationship is over, you move on. Why is the reality so hard.


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2013
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just thought if I was ever in this situation (and I never imagined I would be because this crap happens to, you know, "other people"), it would be a clear decision. Someone cheats, the relationship is over, you move on. Why is the reality so hard.

It's not reality that is hard, it is change. It is letting go. It is acceptance. Perhaps those are reality. Perhaps they are all rolled into one.

I have told a few select friends about the A that my W had, and all of them, save one, said I should just leave. That would probably be my advice to myself if I was a stranger looking in from the outside, but in the end it just isn't that simple.

Many people have D'd, many have R'd, and many are stuck in limbo and will be or have been for a while. In the end, there is no right or wrong choice. Eventually, you will know what is right for you.

Unfortunately, you are a statistic. We all are. And that just sucks. Time will help. This site will help. IC will help. But the wound is deep, and for some it never fully heals.

Wish I had better advice to give. I'm so sorry you had to join us.

Wishing you strength and courage.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, it's definitely not linear. No matter what you do, life after dday is a rollar coaster.. It sucks!!

My brother also had an affair, and I would put him in the category of a good guy who did a bad thing, but that didn't give him an excuse not to change. He HAD to change if he had any hope of saving his marriage. Luckily, he found the right support system to help him. Even if your WH is a good man, he doesn't get a free pass. He should know that he could lose you this time, and the chances that he will lose you rise drastically if he even thinks about doing it again..

Words don't make a good man. Actions do. I hope he makes the needed changes for you.. Right now, he's not a good man. Good men don't have affairs, so something in him has to change.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Topic Posts: 12

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