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User Topic: Normal process or torturing ourselves?
roarlouder
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel a different kind of numbness the last week. Kind of indifferent. I feel like I don't know who he is, I feel disgusted by what he's done more than sad. I've been looking at temporary places to live, and parts of starting over seem exciting.

Parts seem scary too. 10 years together and very entwined lives. Last night I was the happiest I've been in months because I thought I could leave him. Now today I am making a list of things I need and if he'll agree I'll stay (MC, IC ongoing, financial safety net, telling friends, open electronics ongoing). I don't know if this list is something that could actually make me stay, or if I am trying to push so he'll be the one to say no.

I feel he's already walked out on our marriage...but in heated moments when I've packed a bag he's said I didn't give him a chance to change and I am walking away.

Part of me thinks I want to leave...but I want to win, I want him to be the one that walks away. I can't figure out if I am stupid, weak or strong. It seems everyone except for me cheats, so maybe I should stay with the remorseful devil I know who is trying to change, and is a good provider/partner in other respects.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of me thinks I want to leave...but I want to win, I want him to be the one that walks away.

Look, at 17 posts into Dday, all I'm going to say is there are likely two outcomes here: R or D. But right now your reasons for D aren't sound.

Remember, after the trauma of an A, 3 separate healings need to occur:
1. Betrayed person
2. Wayward person
3. Marriage/relationship

things I need and if he'll agree I'll stay (MC, IC ongoing

A good IC is helpful to both BS and WS healing; MC will establish framework for a healthy relationship.

What other steps and self-soothing routines are you taking to heal yourself, roarlouder?

[This message edited by ladies_first at 11:50 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
roarlouder
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am writing in my journal a lot. I feel like he is being selfish. We have some good conversations, but then every 2nd or 3rd one he is angry and is "sick of talking", and I am agitating him. I am 30, no kids (which I'd like) so I'd prefer to move on sooner than later. I am not sure he gets it, and not sure sticking around to find out is a smart move. He has not been faithful for one day.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 30, no kids (which I'd like) so I'd prefer to move on sooner than later.

That's sounds very much like a "win" to me.

“There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.”
~Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has not been faithful for one day.

If you've been in a relationship for 10 years, and accepted his constant infidelity, then he has absolutely no reason to move out.

If he's got a got a good woman at home, and series of sex partners on the side, he's living the good life.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What ladies_first said.

I want him to be the one that walks away.
He already walked away when he started his A's.

If you haven't, read up on the 180 in the healing library. Spend some time focusing on you so you can figure out exactly what you want out of life. Our spouses are a part of our lives but they don't define our lives.

but in heated moments when I've packed a bag he's said I didn't give him a chance to change and I am walking away.
These are words he's giving you. Watch his actions over time. What good is asking you to stay and give him a chance if he does nothing with that chance to truly change, better himself, and figure out why he did it. Give him your list and watch his actions. In the meantime do the 180 and focus on you. Keep posting it helps.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:44 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
jstbreathe
♀ Member
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 30, no kids

Why put your self through any more agony? Is this really the person you want to be the father of your children. Believe me there is nothing worse than seeing the effect it has on your kids. They suffer! No matter how neatly you try to wrap it up, they will suffer and be forever changed for it. I wouldn't choose it for myself, but absolutely wish I had chose better for my kids. If I had known before I had any children, and was still so young, I would have ran as fast as I could and never have looked back. Choose happy, but choose wisely for your future children. Good Luck


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 143 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has not been faithful for one day.

He has cheated the entire marriage?

He's not going anywhere, he seems like he's got just what he wants. A nice wife at home and something on the side. I say this because my ws has been doing this for 7 to 8 yrs of our 25+ yr marriage. He won't leave until I force him to.
As far as wanting children, omg it really makes it difficult when kids are involved. If it werent for mine, I would have been D yrs ago. I'm one who thinks babies don't change a cheating man. I may be wrong, and sorry if offend but that's how I feel.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3946 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
roarlouder
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has cheated all along, but I didn't allow it....i had no idea until recently when OW made sure i knew, in hopes they'd be together. He's making efforts, but he seems so damaged. There's layers and layers of issues. And yes- he had a perfect little situation. Nice wife at home, and a side piece available whenever he called. I was naieve and manipulated as to what our normal was so that this went undetected for so long. He admits he totally compartmentalized it and... Like it was ok because he "loves" me, takes care of me, I am his family, those other women didn't mean anything.
It's hard because 1 minute I can't stand the sight or thought of him, the next I want to help fix him. I have moments where I think even if I removed the A, he isn't who I'd want to be with....if we met now, not when I was barely an adult would we even be together?


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He admits he totally compartmentalized it and... Like it was ok because he "loves" me, takes care of me, I am his family, those other women didn't mean anything.[/quote

I think this is what my ws thinks too.
I don't know how to even go about fixing it..well I guess he needs to..oops my co dependency just appeared.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:14 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3946 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 10

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