I was shaking the bed I was sobbing so violently and it woke H up. I told him I was in a bad place (no details) and that I needed him to hold me and reassure me that everything was going to be ok.
I got a cursory hug and he parroted my words, then...crickets.
Over the course if the next half hour or so, I went from incredibly hurt to incredibly angry. Apparently 6 am was too early to be needy. His schedule is bad, he's tired, I'm asking too much right now, being upset and thinking about the affair is contradictory to a previous conversation where I said I was feeling better and more optimistic, when we made reservations for a getaway weekend, yada, yada, yada. I AM FUCKING BALLISTIC.
We had a fight last weekend because I stuff my feelings and then eventually blow. He feels like my reactions come out of nowhere. Today, I share how I'm feeling and that's the wrong approach as well.
For the first time since dday, I'm actually thinking that divorce is a viable option.
I know he's tired, I know he feels tremendous shame and guilt that he caused this pain, but if he isn't willing to consistently work with me this isn't going to get better. I feel abandoned and rejected yet again. If I have to heal by myself, it would be a whole lot easier to do not looking at him everyday.
I thought he got this but clearly he doesn't so today I'm weighing the option of being alone vs feeling alone. Being alone is so much less lonely than feeling alone in a marriage.
What is he doing to understand what you are going through?
Is he doing any reading? After the Affair, Not Just Friends, How to help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
I've been there, the sobbing, the anger, the going ballistic...all of it. It's so normal. Your WH has to understand that he needs to be there for you NO MATTER WHAT! He was asleep? Too bad. He dropped this bomb on your M...he needs to do the work to help fix it.
I'm still where you are as far as looking at D as a viable option, and I'm six months out. You are on this stupid rollercoaster ride, unfortunately, and it will continue with the ups and downs. Make it a little more enjoyable by doing things for you...even if it is getting your finances in order and seeing an attorney. Knowledge is power, and the power you gain is less that he has over you.
Are the two of you in MC? It's a personal choice, but sometimes it helps when there are communication issues. He obviously isn't hearing you. He isn't understanding how much he is hurting you, and how your anger is the end result of that hurt.
Just know that you are not alone, and your feelings are normal. I thought for the longest time that I was losing my sanity...literally. I don't ever want anyone else to think that way.
Raven, this is my second marriage. Finances are in order, ducks are rowed. We have no children together and no joint property. We can split the joint checking and savings accounts down the midddle and go our separate ways.
As simple as it would be to execute, I wish that wasn't an option but I can't R alone.
[This message edited by neverdidithink at 8:44 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]
As horrible and momentous as cheating on someone is, it doesn't mean that the WS are going to be ready and able to deal with things well at our whim, every time. We deal with this a lot at bedtime. I'll get in a twisted knot, and WH can be shut down if he is overtired. He cannot function or think clearly.
I try not to feel abandoned, because he has proven again and again that he will talk to me about whatever I need to -- but our MC had made it clear that we both have to be ready to talk. This has been exceedingly hard, because like other BSes, I feel like he did this, he can handle it when I say!
But that isn't reality, and it really isn't a healthy way to think; it comes from a hurt and immature place when I try to force him to talk.
But, I think that the other things you say about him not going to MC, no reading, etc. is the bigger issue. Schedule time to talk. He needs to show you he is invested.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:03 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
He needs to show you he is invested.
He thinks he's being very supportive. He does nice things and gets angry that I'm not more appreciative. I can't get him to understand that while I acknowledge and appreciate his effort, it's very frustrating that he chooses to give me what he wants me to have rather than what I need. Asking for things is very difficult for me. I feel really exposed laying it all out there. To have him ignore me and then expect me to jump up and down with appreciation when he chooses to do something different instead of what I asked for is really disheartening.
We have different love languages. He responds to me with HIS rather than MINE. The problem is he doesn't know that because he hasn't taken the time to take the 5 minute quiz or read the results of mine despite my asking repeatedly.
I've given up asking because it just adds to my feelings of disregard and disrespect.
I know he sounds like a selfish monster, he's not. Before the A I always described him as the kindest, most generous person I've ever known. I believe his is still that man, but he's so wrapped up in work stress and guilt and whatever else that I don't think he can see straight. I'm trying to be patient, but I can't R alone.
Intellectually I understand the bad timing thing. I wish I could have chosen a more convenient time to have a complete meltdown, but you know how this rollercoaster operates. I thought I was being senstive asking for something simple but I guess I was wrong.