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Newest Member: LadyS (45361)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 years in....trust
Loyaltoafault
♀ New Member
Member # 41084
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took 3 years for me to get to trust him. Now that we are back, I see old patterns already emerging...white lies, less sex, more porn. I am worried WH is bored without the chase. Any thoughts?


married 13 yrs
4 older kids
Multiple online EA
1 known PA
massage parlour use
4th yr into recovery
Suspect more than 1 PA, WH only admits one.
Here for years, just joined.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Florida
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Welcome to SI! I'm sure you will find the support you need here.

Have you talked to your H about your concerns about his going back to old patterns? Any lying is unacceptable. Have you called him on this?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38057 | Registered: Sep 2007
throughthetunnel
♀ New Member
Member # 41082
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, have you discussed it?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2013
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is something i worry about often with my WH. I am only 10 months out from DDay....but there have been 2 small incidents of his behavior regressing to "old ways". I immediately called him out on it....we talked it thru....and talked it thru...and talked it thru some more until he HEARD ME and REALLY UNDERSTOOD why i felt the way i did....why his behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated.

I know we still have more to learn, and a long way to go working thru R, and i know there will be mistakes along the way...but i know enough to know i will never EVER allow things to go back to the old ways. I will never EVER accept WH regressing to ANY past behaviors. he wants to watch porn....he knows where the door is. He wants to lie to me.....he knows where the door is....and if it hits him in the ass on the way out, well, score one for the door.

Sit down and make a list of all the behaviors you find disrespectful and regressing.(this is just a list for you to organize your thoughts and feelings) Really think about exactly what he is doing and WHY you feel like it is an old pattern. Talk to him. explain why you are hurting and why he needs to keep chasing you...keep making you feel like you are everything and more. The chase shouldn't end just because the trust is back.

hugs to you!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
Loyaltoafault
♀ New Member
Member # 41084
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I spoke to him and he seemed to hear me. I also am going through menopause so I may overeact to things. i have never minded the porn....as long as we watch together. The white lies are very unacceptable so I reminded him that we need to have a transparent relationship for me to be happy. He was raised by a pathological lie r so old habits die hard.


married 13 yrs
4 older kids
Multiple online EA
1 known PA
massage parlour use
4th yr into recovery
Suspect more than 1 PA, WH only admits one.
Here for years, just joined.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 5

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