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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Acceptance?
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is such a valuable discussion.

I could have written many of these posts word for word.

One of the things I have been struggling with through R is my own abandonment issues from childhood ( Father was completely absent from my life from the age of 6).

In IC the C helped me to understand that we could R but the relationship would never be the same again, because I had changed. Let me tell you she was BANG ON! I am not the same person, and I don't believe he is either. But what would you expect after something like this.

Path to acceptance and forgiveness is no longer wishing to change the past.

This is it! Why would I want to? I am starting to think that for the first time in 29 years I am actually seeing the relationship as it is, not as I wish it were.

The greatest irony is that now that I know about the A, and as a result of that, combined with the months and months of R it seems like I now have the H I always "thought" I had. The marriage I always "convinced myself" I had.
Whoa!

Thank you to all who posted on this thread, As I type I feel the weigh melting off my shoulders.

[This message edited by toughernow at 6:51 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why am I so afraid of letting it go and accepting what happened. I mean I know it happened and there's nothing I can do to change it but I'm not at peace with. It still consumes me. I'm crying just writing this. Am I fooling myself when I think if he only answered all my questions, I could move on? Or do I cling to that because I know he never will give me the answers?

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jul 2013
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scubachick,

(((((HUGS)))))

Nothing can prepare a person for this kind of pain. Just be gentle with yourself.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if he only answered all my questions, I could move on? Or do I cling to that because I know he never will give me the answers?

"all" my questions
"all" the answers

That sounds more like the illusion of control.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scub: yes answers do help to get some closure, but at a certain point you will probably realize that the answers do NOT really give you the feeling of satisfaction or closure that you want. I think this is because since WE could never do such a thing we will never be completely satisfied with the answers we get...

I discovered (at 8 months out now) that all the answers are NEVER enough, that the answers NEVER really satisfy the FEELING we have, the hole we want to fill and do not TAKE AWAY THE PAIN. Answers,I think, no matter HOW GREAT, do NOT take away the PAIN....and the PAIN is what we want to go.

What does ease the pain is realizing this and then learning to live with this feeling of "this is just the way it is"...this sort of gray feeling area...Therapist said we must realize that, feelings are not black and white and accept that there is this I call it rather uncomfortable gray area..but We ((I) can understand it and be okay with that in time. No matter how great the answer is, it will NOT give us the FEELING of satisfaction or closure we think it will.

What will do that, I think, is in time letting go, truly forgiving (meaning leaving the past in the past), starting anew and focusing on present and future with all our hope and love.

Not all spouses are remorseful and trying hard, but if you have one like that, be so grateful, thankful and loving for the hard work he is also doing....and doing because he so loves and values YOU. I try to tell myself this when I get anxious, insecure and worried...The process of life is not cruel, and will ALWAYS present us with opportunities to make corrections and live happily and fully again.

[This message edited by morethantrying at 8:08 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 54
Him: WS 61
Married 31 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 221 | Registered: Sep 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I fooling myself when I think if he only answered all my questions, I could move on? Or do I cling to that because I know he never will give me the answers?

....perhaps there are some control issues here...I can see that.

But I also see other values too...asking questions can dispel lies, can remove false assumptions, is a form of verbal bonding through interaction....all play into the core characteristics of a healthy relationship....trust and intimacy.

That looks different for different people....some don't need details and can process without large, incorrect assumptions.

You and I are alike in this aspect cantaccept...we crave the details. And if we don't get them our minds make them up for us....which is NOT good.

Hang tough...keep asking those questions....but don't forget to go for a walk occasionally.

This is a tough, dynamic, interconnected journey...it is a marathon, not a sprint.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:49 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2651 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is because since WE could never do such a thing we will never be completely satisfied with the answers we get...

CAUTION: When we think we are the strongest, we are often at our weakest. If we blind ourselves to the real dangers that are in our lives, that face us daily, we are ill-prepared for them when they show up in our lives....and often choose poorly when this happens due to lack of vision.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2651 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am at the same point. It is quite honestly the most painful thing, dealing with FOO and repressed pain/feelings. But once the source of those feelings is identified it is somewhat easier to know why you feel a certain way as an adult. It's a strange concept to understand until you are faced with it.

I have this quote highlighted in one of my books. It is not a book about infidelity so it's an explanation in general terms of life. I re-read it quite often; whether dealing with WS or FOO issues.
"Acceptance does not mean we're giving our approval. It does not mean surrendering to the will and plans of another. It does not mean commitment. It is not forever. it is for the present moment. Acceptance does not make things harder; it makes things easier. Acceptance does not mean we accept abuse or mistreatment; it does not mean we forego ourselves, our boundaries, hopes, dreams, desires or wants. It means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set. It means we accept what is and who we are at the moment, so we are free to change and grow. "

(((therealdeal)))

...feels so good to read all of the above. Thank you.

May I ask which book that quoted paragraph came from please?

I noticed about 3 months ago I transitioned from books about infidelity and adultery into books that deal with my issues....boundaries, abandonment, sex and intimacy....I look back now and see it is tied to about the time I got to forgiveness with my wife.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:54 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2651 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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