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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Intimacy - how soon is too soon?
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm glad to hear that it went well for you & that you felt in control of the situation. Basically you just need to remember you are in control. Do what you need and only what you want.
Sex can absolutely help in the healing process. And I encourage you to communicate with him about triggers and hopefully he can help you avoid those for now and eventually help you overcome them in the future!


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
♀ New Member
Member # 40448
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LearnToLoveAgain, I replied to your post on the ONS forum and found this one relevant to my situation also. My story is very similar to yours and Chick's.
It helps to know that there are others struggling with the same situation. I have had difficulty finding much information that is relevant for a one time incident.
I am so sorry for everyone who ends up here. As one user said to me, "welcome to the club no one ever wants to join".
WH and I were intimate pretty soon after and I was very surprised at myself. For the first 4 days after d-day, I would not let him touch me in any way. On day 5 after talking for hours I hugged him and we kissed and talked for hours that night. By day 6, I knew I wanted sex. It was my choice, he was very hesitant to make sure that I was making the decision for the right reasons.
I had realized that I wanted MY sex life with my husband. I had said he would never touch me again out of anger, not because it was what I really wanted. Hysterical bonding set in for us and has continued. Overall, it is intensely passionate and very emotionally healing for me. There were two instances in the beginning where I triggered but he was compassionate and listened to how I was feeling and that was enough to help me deal with those particular triggers.
I felt very weird for wanting him so deeply so soon after d-day but I've learned that my "love language" is touch and affection and having sex really makes me feel more emotionally connected to him.
I will also echo other posters who said to do exactly what you feel comfortable with and want. Take it one day, one kiss, one touch at a time and understand that you will possibly become upset and that's okay. It was hard for me to not beat myself up for the times I triggered during sex, but once I accepted that my feelings are normal and okay, the anxiety went away.
For me, it was very important that my husband was patient.

Me - BS 23
Him - WS 24
His drunk ONS - 8/5/13 (sex was not completed)
DDay - 8/18/13
Junior High Sweethearts: Eachother's first & only before this.
Together 8 years, married 3 years.
No kids for awhile if at all, both in college.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 41073
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing your story too hearthurts23. We have had a few days this week where I haven't felt in the right place - just in a bad mood for no particular reason a couple of days and then we argued a bit over him delaying contacting his friend who he was out with 'that night' when I had asked him to prioritise it - so it has just been the one time so far but I feel like we have been closer again the past day or two so maybe there will be a second!

I want to shake off the feeling I have sometimes where I just feel irritated - irritated that he isn't reading my mind, irritated that he might be behaving normally at times like nothing is wrong (usually when we are around other people), irritated that life feels difficult at the moment - so I guess I just wait until the time feels right like it did last time. No rush.

Me - 32
Him - 32
D-Day - 6th Oct 2013
He had a ONS on 23rd Sept 2013

Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 40448
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chick - I understand completely what you mean about feeling irritated. Sometimes I'm just angry at all of this and sometimes just irritated for no reason at all. When I feel irritated, I feel indignant, thoughts like "why should I have to suffer, I didn't do anything to deserve this". Is that a component for you?
I think it's a normal part of the roller coaster. It sounds like you are being kind to yourself and your feelings and that's important.
I like how you explained that feeling in control of the situation was so positive for you. We had no control over our spouses' actions that caused this pain. Finding some sense of control again is important and helpful. Waiting for exactly the right time will make it so special when it does happen because you will be 100% present. Thanks for the reply.

Me - BS 23
Him - WS 24
His drunk ONS - 8/5/13 (sex was not completed)
DDay - 8/18/13
Junior High Sweethearts: Eachother's first & only before this.
Together 8 years, married 3 years.
No kids for awhile if at all, both in college.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 24
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