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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Alone and confused
Confusedcanuk
♀ New Member
Member # 41072
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From the very beginning I was hypnotized by my husband, one look and I melted. Six years later several EA's later that I know of and maybe physical cheating but I can't be sure and I still feel that way. I moved to a different country to be with him, left all my friends and family. When I met my husband he was newly divorced. I moved to be with him 6 months after meeting him. He had a lot of female friends and was very flirtatious. Because he told me how controlling and bad his ex was I didn't give him very many boundaries other than do not cheat physically or emotionally and I told him it bothered me when he flirted with other women. So we went to a female friends of his house and he was flirting with her the whole time and she was as well. It was obvious to me and everyone at the party as he was introducing me as his new girlfriend people were giving weird looks because of the flirting that was going on between them. I waited until we were home to tell him how upset I was. He brushed me off saying it wasn't like that. I stood my ground, and than I started to get the trickle truths. By the end of it he told me he has had a crush on her for years and that he knows she uses him for stuff like to help with moving or needing a ride home from the bar etc. His ex even had a rule that he was not to talk to her which he did anyway. So I told him he had to cut off all contact with her, remove her from Facebook etc. he said no. So I said I was leaving. I was getting ready to walk out that door and he says he does not want to lose me. I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and without me he is nothing. He can do better he promises. So I stay. A year later and many promises broken I find out he is having an EA with a woman on twitter. Seriously??? He's been telling her he likes shaved vagina (to put it nicely) and other naughty talk. That's all I saw before he deleted his twitter but he admits it was an EA. He begs for another chance, so as stupid as I am I gave him another one. We did okay for two years, I didn't find out he was cheating if he was. He finally convinces me to marry him. Now there was still trust issues but we were working on it and BAM literally days before the wedding he tells me he has been to a prostitute. Before he met me though. I asked him before when I suspected that could have been the case from some of the things he said but he denied it. It bothers me that he went to a prostitute but it would not have been a deal breaker. I was more upset about him lying to me once again than deciding to tell me days before we were to get married. I had people that travelled to another country for our wedding and he lays that on me. Again, seriously??? He makes a huge push with promises and fairy tales and all that good stuff so we tie the knot with plans to seek marriage counselling straight after. Really, how does that look?? A couple that needs marriage counselling hours into being married...just great!! So we have been married a year. I find out two months ago he is carrying on yet another EA with a co worker. I started getting suspicious when they are very flirtatious on the phone. He's giving her the sexy voice he usually reserves for me and she is doing it back to him. He is a truck driver and she is a dispatcher so has to call him. She has also slept with my neighbours boyfriend which was suppose to be her best friend since high school. Gosh, I'm so tired of this drama!! So I tell him I want a divorce and completely lose my sh*t on him. I was mean and nasty. So much has built up and he still has not made an appointment with a counsellor. He promises he will change, he has cut off contact with her as far as being friendly. He still has to work with her. he now lets me check his email, phone, everything. He has this way of not taking responsibility even tho he says he is. He will say he is sorry which I have heard too much and when I don't except it he gets nasty and tells me it's all my fault. He says he's sorry he said it but he is mad cause I won't accept his apology. How does he have the right to be mad??? Because I won't go along with what he wants?? To forgive him just to have it happen again? He says he will change but has never showed me. He will try for a week at most than he goes back to the same stuff. I feel so alone. I feel like I'm a prisoner because I love and adore him so much but I just can't leave. I know he can do better, I know he can be a great husband. But how long do I go through this heartache before giving up??

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Canada
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iam so sorry you are going through this, and have been for years!

I am so sorry to share my honest opinion with you because it may hurt you to realize this. You may *know* he can do better, but he doesn't do better in any way that signifies change for the better.

I feel like I'm a prisoner because I love and adore him so much but I just can't leave.
You ARE in a prison of your own making because he has done nothing to deserve your love and "adoration."

He promises he will change, he has cut off contact with her as far as being friendly. He still has to work with her. he now lets me check his email, phone, everything. He has this way of not taking responsibility even tho he says he is. He will say he is sorry which I have heard too much and when I don't except it he gets nasty and tells me it's all my fault.
He has lied before, and I'm guessing that he is lying again, and he has taken his EAs underground to avoid conflict.

His getting nasty and saying things are all your fault is a way to distract you, to make you defensive, and to avoid his issues.

You deserve a better life than the one you share with him right now, and you deserve honesty and fidelity. At this point, he is doing damage control and being defensive in order to get his way, but it's unlikely that any real change is happening or will happen.

This sounds so much like an enmeshed relationship, which isn't healthy for you at all! He is untrustworthy and has shown you that. You may want to read the 180 in the Healing Library, in the yellow box off to the left of the screen--and perhaps you will feel strong enough to do it. Here is the specific link: http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. To me, he sounds like he isn't going to change, not really, no matter how much you hope and ascribe positive personality traits to him.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 11:33 PM, October 21st (Monday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Snowy
♂ Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You deserve a lot better

He says he will change but has never showed me. He will try for a week at most than he goes back to the same stuff.

Actions speak more than words.

A question you need to ask yourself is;

do you want to be going through this s**** with kids?

You have the power to take back your life.


Posts: 159 | Registered: Mar 2007
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will know when you have had enough. You deserve better and you know it. Someday - maybe not too far off in the future - you will leave because you know that is what you must do to survive. IMHO this is not a healthy relationship...this is destroying you. It doesn't sound like your husband understands the parameters of your marriage and only flies right after your threats. Take your time and think of yourself first. Don't you think it's about time???


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1318 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Confusedcanuk
♀ New Member
Member # 41072
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for support. I am hearing what I knew to be true but I guess I am not ready to accept it. I know I can't make him change. The part that hurts the most is that I don't think he wants to. I don't understand why he says he does. He can be free of me and do what ever he wants with whom ever he wants if we divorced so why does he say he wants to work it out. That's why I am so confused. I know nothing about this relationship is right, it's not healthy. Is there anyway I can help him see what he is doing? I'm not the best at communicating and I get so emotional and angry. I would love to get Christian counselling to see if that would help. We did try one time but the counsellor was a church counsellor. My husband grew up with a pastor for a father. And the whole time I felt like he was excusing my husbands behaviour because they grew up in similar circumstances. I understand how hard it must have been to grow up with your father being the head of the church but at some point he needs to deal with that. I think there are so many issues that he needs to deal with personally that if I give up on him than I am no better. Any one in a similar circumstance? Even if we end up getting a divorce I want to help him get better and have a good life, even without me.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Canada
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Devastated30. Think about yourself, and what you want, both in a relationship and without one. You can't effectively do that until you stop trying to figure out how to fix him.

I think most of us go through this phase. I did. I was sure if he could just get past the midlife crisis we would be better than ever. I can't tell you the hours I spent analyzing all the horrible things that might have upset him as a child, or in the workplace or whatever. I didn't spend nearly the amount of time analyzing what him dumping his family for his best friends wife did to me. Once I started thinking about myself, the loss of him was a blessed relief.


Posts: 384 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Confusedcanuk
♀ New Member
Member # 41072
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suppose there is no hope than. That hurts so bad...

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Canada
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't mean there is no hope. It just means that what you've been doing hasn't changed things. Every time you forgive him and try to get help for him he probably sees it as you taking on the responsibility of his affairs so he doesn't really have to. And that works for him.

My marriage ended years ago and in looking back on it, there is nothing else I could have done to save it. But that's just me. However, the real issue is you deserve to think about what you want out of a relationship and life without thinking about how it will affect him. Until you do that he will probably continue to behave the way he is. There aren't any consequences.


Posts: 384 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyway I can help him see what he is doing?

No, at this point, from what you've shared here, any change has to come from within him, and he's just playing a game and not being serious--because he doesn't have to change.

I think there are so many issues that he needs to deal with personally that if I give up on him than I am no better.
This is convoluted thinking. You are not giving up on him, he is not your child to raise and teach right from wrong etc -- you are not in a position to change him, and you cannot help him do what he needs to do--that comes from within HIMSELF, not from external sources, not from you, not from your *unending understanding* or from your encouraging him, or from you being his cheerleader, or from you forgiving him or from anything YOU are currently doing.

Please know you cannot fix him! You cannot change him! Apparently, his "love" for you doesn't make a bit of difference in his behavior.

You CAN make a better life for yourself, and that may be without him. You are in a very raw place right now, and I'm sorry for that.

Please read and do the 180 if you feel ready for a positive change--but know that this will be difficult.
Link: http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to be completely honest with you because your husband and my ex sound like two peas in a pod. Do yourself a favor and turn and run toward the hills. He is a shady hot mess and undeserving of your love.

What kind of phone does your H have? My ex let me look at his phone all the time and he had a Galaxy. I didn't realize until after he left that there are apps available to hide and delete things. As soon as he left he got an iphone and gave his whore his Galaxy phone with the apps included so her husband couldn't find things. If they want to cheat, they are going to cheat.

I will tell you...I feel so much relief knowing that I don't have to deal with that anymore. It caused extreme stress and anxiety in my life. Always afraid of what was going to happen next. He had EA on Facebook and I knew when I let go and just tried to trust him (which I did), one might stick....and it did. But, I know he will do the same thing to her....emotional retards.

Please do not continue to put yourself through this, he is not worthy of your love.


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
Confusedcanuk
♀ New Member
Member # 41072
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I finally mustered up the courage and told him to leave and I wanted a divorce once and for all. I told him about this site and how it's helping me and how everyone here is so supportive. He broke down and cried and cried. I have never seen him cry. Currently he is on The site looking at the WS section and has become a member he says. He says he will do counselling and what ever it takes even if we are apart. I'm not sure I believe it.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Canada
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI, Confusedcanuk. Even though his newfound interest in SI and counseling may seem dubious, it may be a step in the right direction.

You get as much time as you need to figure this out. Take deep breaths, and really try to take care of yourself. Let him show you with his actions who he is going to be on the other side of this. Books, counseling, and Anti-Depressants and a will to be a better person/partner changed my FWH completely. While there's still a lot of work to do on the M, I've watched him grow and mature so much in the last 3 years.

You get to decide when you've had enough. You also get to give him a chance, if that's what you want. Just read closely the signs for genuine remorse and lipservice. They become easier and easier to tell apart at this point.

((Cc))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 9:16 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - FranÁois-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17787 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 12

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