But, obviously, I don't really believe a word he says right now due to the trickle truth and then the lie last week. Now he's pulling the "can't we just move on" stage. After one of those fabulous, emotional draining convos yesterday, he gets that I can't "just get over it" and has agreed to MC and IC. That gives me hope. When I told him I have a doc appt he cried and said he's sorry he hurt me, but understands and hoped that WHEN I come back clean it will help move us forward in the right direction.
So, I want to work on my marriage. I am hoping he does too. I am hoping it didn't go past kissing. But I'm trying to be smart and cautious without hindering recovery and reconciliation.
I'm sure I will be on here more in the many months to come!!
I hope there is healing for you. Just remember how important trust and respect are in a relationship. Don't settle for anything less. Hugs
It sounds like he is taking some of the right steps. Agreeing the MC and IC is good... and the fact that he understands you can't "just get over it" is even more encouraging (as unremorseful WS's typically want to minimise and pretend nothing happened). This type of recognition is a good thing.
As for the trickle-truth, it is very painful to deal with, and it does seem to be a natural defense mechanism WS's will resort to. And more often than not, it does seem that most times there is more to the story.
There is an article in the Healing Library called Joseph's letter. It's a good read which will help you to understand your feelings on this. Depending on how everything goes, it may be worth sharing your own version with him at MC.
Reconciliation is built upon a few pillars for a solid foundation. The first is that the WS accepts responsibility for their decision (no blameshifting) and takes ownership of those consequences. The second is that the WS recognises the pain that their choices caused you. The third is introspection into understanding why they felt their choice was acceptable, what they need to do to work on themselves and what steps need to be taken to ensure it never happens again. The fourth is actively trying to make amends to the marriage and to rebuild based on self/mutual respect, honesty and transparency, and communication. Hopefully this template will help you to understand what you need to see from him, consistently, with action.
[This message edited by SerJR at 3:12 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]
If you can, dig for more info. Snoop.
but understands and hoped that WHEN I come back clean it will help move us forward in the right direction.
You coming back with a clean STD/HIV panel means absolutely nothing if he has consumated his A and just hasn't managed to give you a disease yet. He needs to be tested too. No matter what he says. He needs to get himself down to the doctor's office as well. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012