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User Topic: Trying not to break the 180
mixedintherut
♀ Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Earlier this week I had an "ah ha" moment. I had a "flashback" to a call WH was making to work, asking for a specific dispatch person. This person ironically matches the info I have been able to find base on AP cell phone number. It makes sense in a weird way.

So, last week WH was talking about becoming a limo driver, he is currently a truck driver. I figure it was just talk. Well he came home this morning and has spent an hour looking for new jobs.

He hasn't complained about work, so I am not too sure what is going on. I do however have two hunches: he is getting fired, not sure why that would happen, but it's always a possibility, or because his A is with the dispatcher at work if/when he breaks it off, she can essentially control how much work he gets.

I have so many questions I want to ask, but I know the 180 says not to engage about the future and all of that. I have no one else to talk to, and I have to get this out.

I do realize this could be absolutely nothing, but I just have a feeling.


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mixed...the "rules" of the 180 are not set in stone. I did and still am doing a variation of the posted 180. It is all about getting YOU back and making yourself whole. Pulling back from dependance on you WH and showing them that you can be ok without them. I ask my WH lots of questions regarding the future I just do it in a way that sounds less like my whole life rests on the answers he gives me.

My advice, for what it's worth....casually ask him what's up. Just don't sit and intently wait and hang into every word of his answer. Ask him if his seeking new employment has anything to do with the A. 180 or not you still deserve answers to your questions.

Good luck


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like emotionalgirl said - the 180 is about your healing and focussing on what you can control. Take what works for you.
It does not mean you don't communicate with your WH. It means that you are assertive, direct, and calm when you do. It means that you don't engage in emotional drama - you are collected, you are cool, you are in charge.
If he bullshits, attacks, blameshifts, etc. you can close off the conversation with a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way" or a "Thank you for your input, but I don't care to discuss that now".


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
mixedintherut
♀ Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I ended up asking him about work, if there was a particular reason he was looking for a new job. He said that everything was fine he just wanted to see if there was something better available. He ended up looking 3 different times throughout the day for what ended up being about 2.5 hours looking for jobs.

In the middle of the day I casually brought up "the three dispatchers" he use to talk about regularly, I explained there was a guy he didn't like, and then 1 guy and 1 woman who would both give him the runs he wanted, but I couldn't remember their names. So he gives me the two guys names and then names two girls I hasn't heard of I told him I didn't recognize those names, he mentioned another name and I told him I thought she had been a trainer, and she had been. So no mention of the name I was looking for, so I let it go.

Later in the day I played it off and was like "oh yea, didn't the lady that gave you the runs you wanted, didn't her name start with a 'B',Bonnie, or Bonita...that's it." His tone changed and his response was "she doesn't work there anymore, and why are you trippin' why are you asking about the dispatchers?" I ended the conversation.

I was not trippin', I was calm as day, but apparently he was!

I am about 90% sure that my gut is accurate in thinking she works with him, and that the info I have based on her cell number is accurate. If so, she is 27 years older then my WH and the thought makes me gag. Now I don't know if she no longer works for the company but I am feeling more and more like I need to verify if she does or doesn't.

It's crazy, since my "ah ha" moment about her working with him, I have been able to sleep better.

He spoke with his mom this week about getting a job at a different company. I am still not too sure about the looking for jobs thing.

[This message edited by mixedintherut at 11:16 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mixed....if you need the answers keep asking the questions. My WH broke eventually after I had casually brought the questions up in different times and places quite a few times . Eventually they just trip themselves up.

Good luck. I hope that you are feeling stronger with the 180


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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