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User Topic: he still gets defensive first
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, it has been a while since I posted. It is a year and one month since D-day.

Yes, I think about it everyday still. I am close to forgiveness and have pity for the home wrecker most days. At some point or another, I hurt when I remember the disrespect. There are mornings where I wake up and think..."Why am I doing this? Why do I stay with a man that hurt me this much if he truly loved me?" I don't rage very often. Things are generally a lot better. The pain is different. It is not all consuming. It doesn't feel hopeless anymore.

My husband has completely turned around. (But, let me clarify this: he is doing what he should have been doing to begin with) He uses this as his way of saying "Haven't I made it all better!". What!!! By doing what you were supposed to be doing? That's great. But, I feel like he needs to make up to me still, by allowing me to talk to him. By being patient and empathetic.

He communicates to me in doing things, spending time (if he gets it from work), and physical level love language. I need words and still rarely ever get it. I have made huge strides to reach him on his. Words still don't come for him. He has written me a couple of cards and two messages. They went a long way in my healing and feeling better. The best was the letter he wrote about the AP (not a nice one- I did send it and made a HUGE difference in healing)

Our communication just sucks when it is about the affair. I try my hardest to not talk about the affair. I rarely bring it up in an emotional way(maybe once every two weeks). It has all been said before. But, sometimes I trigger. All I am searching for is some sympathy, some comfort, some validation for feeling angry and in pain. Sometimes I am still just trying to understand the disconnect. The crossing of the line that will never make sense. How do you hurt someone you love so much? . Believe me when I say, I am someone that needs to make sense of things. I know...a curse for this situation. Sometimes I am just raging at the injustice of the reality that this is the type of marriage I have, that this actually happened.

Instead he gets angry that I bring it up. Why can't I just get a ,"I know you are hurting. I know you are in pain. I am so sorry I did this to you." Instead of "I said I was sorry, I already told you everything. We have talked about this before. I don't understand how we have such great days and now you are this?"

It is so insensitive. I feel like all he is thinking about is how me bringing it up or talking about it makes him feel ashamed and attacked. I am not doing it to make him feel like a heel and I tell him that. I don't want to put him down. I don't want him to feel how I felt for all those months he was carrying on his affair.

I shouldn't have to come on here for comfort or some sympathy when I feel hurt. I should be able to talk to him. It just makes me want to give up. What is the point in saving this if I can't talk to him about something that hurts so much. (and ladies...nothing like it did a year ago...it does get less and better...but it doesn't go away)

When I go on the emotional rant...it spirals into something worse because he is so silent. He just sits there. I want him to talk to discuss it. Sure, I may have a comeback...a response to his points if he even says something...but that doesn't mean you just shut up or get angry. If he just sits there without saying a word...of course it seems like I am just attacking him. I ask him how he feels, what he thinks...anything. He just has some angry remark and gets a nasty tone.

I realize some of the communication problem is my fault. I have a response to everything. I debate everything. That doesn't mean you just give up or get mean/angry.

I actually fear talking to my husband. That just makes me cry typing it. All I want is some empathy and maybe I am sorry. He never says I am sorry unless I have a meltdown. I envy the men on here that tell their wives out of the blue how sorry they were to do this to them and how stupid they were.

The next day, he usually reaches out to me. That means I go through two days of pain and angst. Two days where I wonder if it is all worth it. The doubt and worry because of the loss of safety and trust.

I get that the fWS should not be shit upon. I really don't mean to if it seems that way. I am not trying to hound him. I just want some comfort for when I am angry and in pain. Finally, I want that from him-even if he was the one that caused it.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 676 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to add...that it scares me when he doesn't communicate...that was part of his problem with the affair. He didn't communicate that he was unhappy with himself and life. So it seems like he hasn't addressed a major issue in the affair.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 676 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeful when you feel like going off stop and journal it. Then in 24 hours go back and see if you still feel like exploding. I journal alot! I journal it make myself smile and change the subject. All we can do. They are clueles to our pain. Yes we should be able to communicate with our spouses. But life is not what we expected now is it?


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3140 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are clueless to our pain.

Hi hopefulmother...glad to hear from you again...we share a similar stance on life and our reactions to adultery, and our fWS reactions to it are similar as well....though hardly anything we experience, any of us experience IS unique, right? It is all so very painful. That is why I still struggle with what I quoted here. My wife has read some books on A, but just simply can not grasp the level of pain her A has inflicted on me, has not really owned just how "at risk" our family is in due to her choice to commit adultery. I have forgiven her...and that has helped a bunch...but I still struggle to accept what i quoted here once and for all, so I still wrestle with it.


I wrestle with this because I am
13 months or so past DD here too. Wife still gets defensive more then I like, makes me feel foolish at times...then resentful. Perhaps this is a part of this experience I should just give up hope that my wife will ever achieve....true empathy for the pain she has caused. I agree it is not right to dump unnecessarily onto a fWS, but I feel she gets defensive if I just barely express anything but light selfishness ( meaning licking my wounds in front of her). Selfishness is not a noble feeling and I don't desire to be a victim, but I feel there is a place to acknowledge that I am hurt and it is okay to express that, selfishly I need a bit of comfort from the person that inflicted the wound. At times I feel as if my fWS despises reaching out to me. I get FOO issues are at play within her...but feel she could step up a little stronger and move outside of her comfort zone in an effort to repair some of the damage her A has caused. I feel bad for feeling this way....and that is part of MY FOO issues at play. I very much would prefer to NOT ask for help, feel vulnerable when I do, then feel foolish when my wife responds to this request with defensiveness and sarcastic comments.

I do find comfort here more then I do from my M right now....very grateful for this site.....very mindful of boundaries here for that reason...specifically with regards to PM female members.

The suggestion of journaling instead of engaging your fWS is EXCELLENT! It works. But, if you are like me, it has been a long time since you really felt supported from your fWS, you miss it terribly, you think you should try, your desire to feel that support from a person of the opposite sex is strong and you fear temptations to connect with one that is MOT your spouse.....so you get up the courage to engage your spouse, only to feel their defensiveness, lack of empathy, and it hurts again.

This next part is an important part of my post to you....

[Bold]This situation is made tougher in that it is not consistently happening...my fWS is trying, this defensiveness is NOT the norm....but when it DOES happen, it hurts so much that it negates several good supportive actions by her. This is where the lack of realization


I wrestle with this because I am
13 months or so past DD here too. Wife still gets defensive more then I like, makes me feel foolish at times...then resentful. Perhaps this is a part of this experience I should just give up hope that my wife will ever achieve....true empathy for the pain she has caused. I agree it is not right to dump unnecessarily onto a fWS, but I feel she gets defensive if I just barely express anything but light selfishness ( meaning licking my wounds in front of her). Selfishness is not a noble feeling and I don't desire to be a victim, but I feel there is a place to acknowledge that I am hurt and it is okay to express that, selfishly I need a bit of comfort from the person that inflicted the wound. At times I feel as if my fWS despises reaching out to me. I get FOO issues are at play within her...but feel she could step up a little stronger and move outside of her comfort zone in an effort to repair some of the damage her A has caused. I feel bad for feeling this way....and that is part of MY FOO issues at play. I very much would prefer to NOT ask for help, feel vulnerable when I do, then feel foolish when my wife responds to this request with defensiveness and sarcastic comments.

I do find comfort here more then I do from my M right now....very grateful for this site.....very mindful of boundaries here for that reason...specifically with regards to PM female members.

The suggestion of journaling instead of engaging your fWS is EXCELLENT! It works. But, if you are like me, it has been a long time since you really felt supported from your fWS, you miss it terribly, you think you should try, your desire to feel that support from a person of the opposite sex is strong and you fear temptations to connect with one that is MOT your spouse.....so you get up the courage to engage your spouse, only to feel their defensiveness, lack of empathy, and it hurts again.

This next part is an important part of my post to you....

[Bold]This situation is made tougher in that it is not consistently happening...my fWS is trying, this defensiveness is NOT the norm....but when it DOES happen, it hurts so much that it negates several good supportive actions by her. This is where the lack of realization of the pain their A comes into play. We are all going to stumble....I think she is shocked on how hard I stumble over her defensiveness...and I cannot explain it fully to her.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:42 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopeful

I can really empathise honey. My FWh is the same. The perfect H in every way but his refusal to talk is slowly killing any chance we have for R and a real M.

This inability to be open and honest is sad in itself. If only they knew the damage they are doing. They want the M but for some crazy reason refuse to open up.

It has me baffled. I can't understand it. I never will.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you heartache...maybe I will try journaling. But I feel that is all I did for the first year on here. I am tired of it. This place has been a blessing, but at times I feel it may be a crutch.

Blakesteele...hang in there. It was only harder on month 12 for me. Just a bit disappointed that it was not a significant change. Though it probably was...wish we can see our first posts. I only say that, because the desperation is usually absent.
I know what you mean about finding emotional support elsewhere. For the first time, I felt that tonight. I wanted to get in my car...drive to a bar and unload my sorrow...find a new KISA that will not get pissed when I talk.
Everything else is fantastic with my husband, but I still need the empathy. I just don't feel that from him. He just doesn't understand and that is fine. He wasn't the one that was nearly destroyed, but don't get nasty. He just manages to push me further away and I am getting tired of it. I feel the resentment and bitterness coming back and I haven't felt that in months. I am so discouraged right now.

I was always a self-reliant sort, but right now...I just want someone to wrap me up in a cocoon and tell me everything will work out and I will be safe. Protect me...fight for me...stand up for me...I want that from him...my husband. That is intimacy...that is being together. I feel so estranged from him right now.

Sometimes I feel like he is too afraid to be this way with me...that it will lay his heart out in the open...and he doesn't want to do that because he still considers me a flight risk. That makes me resentful, because he had no trouble showing me and his AP's best friend how his heart felt during the affair. It just isn't fair...I have bled (metaphorically), cried, and turned my heart inside out during all this while he watched.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 676 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stupid f'ing phone....totally screwed up an important thought from me....adds to a very frustrating, crazy making day.

God help us all.

Please read the flavor of my post rather then the stupid grouping of words contained in it....totally jumbled but I lack the patience right now to fix it.

God do I feel your pain tonight.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lauraagree...we have talked about the affair at length...but I still need to express what it made me feel. To express what I am still just flabbergasted about.

Blakesteelso on the nail...it would be nice for him to go out of his comfort zone more often for me. God knows I have been a crazy wreck for the last year and totally out of mine. We are supposed to be better than before...that means more REAL with each other. So...step up the communication so I don't feel bitter or resentful. He is doing everything he should have done to begin with, but never that extra step. One IC session (doesn't like to talk) and no MC. Shocking we made it this far. I go to IC...once a month now. Post on here...post on She's a homewrecker...read two books. He posted on here once...I got flagged for defending him-lol.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 676 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read your reply to fellow SI'ers. I took a deep breath...and almost cried.

I see me in you. I feel the old part of our M again....the part where my wife disengages and for the first time really allow myself to NOT be fine with that.

IC sessions dealt with why blakesteele was willing to settle for that in my M pre-A. Since processing through that answer I have changed....and that old way of conducting myself within my M simply will not work.

God be with us as we struggle with new perspectives and expectations....expectations of our spouses and marriages but, even more important, our new expectations of ourselves.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This inability to be open and honest is sad in itself. If only they knew the damage they are doing. They want the M but for some crazy reason refuse to open up.

It has me baffled. I can't understand it. I never will.

And this

it would be nice for him to go out of his comfort zone more often for me. God knows I have been a crazy wreck for the last year and totally out of mine. We are supposed to be better than before...that means more REAL with each other. So...step up the communication so I don't feel bitter or resentful

My dang FOO issues still urge me to be grateful for crumbs and offer a loaf up for those crumbs. But I have processed enough, due to living outside my comfort zone as I own my part of an unhealthy M, to NOW realize exactly what is unhealthy and immature about my childhood coping mechanisms.

Peace to us all.

Please pray for me....I am struggling hard tonight. I am praying equally hard for all if us tonight too.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same place exactly.

On the surface my fWH is doing everything right - taking on more than his share of household chores, making me tea, bringing me flowers.. you name it, he's doing it. BUT when it comes to the emotional stuff: facing head-on what he has done, talking deeply with me about the A, confronting his demons, being comforting and sympathetic on a deep level..... all that stuff, he runs away from, fast and furious.

Worse still he has this sneaky way of making it appear that our marriage is in deep trouble because of MY issues - implying (sometimes flat-out saying!) that if only I wanted R more we would be okay, or, our marriage is in trouble because I won't trust the changes he is making (how can I trust the changes, when I trusted him implicitly while he was lying to me for 9 years??), or, he would have thought that after 24 years of marriage I would be trying harder to save it... stuff like that. There is never time spent dwelling on his issues, or on the fact that he is the one that flung our marriage into this crisis. Even in MC he turns the focus onto my abandonment issues, my co-dependency and neatly glosses over the issues that got us into this mess. I am not for one moment denying that I have issues.... I spend hours every day focussing on my issues. But I feel like there is a very non-so-subtle blame-shift happening here. And frankly that's just not fair.

What also really, really scares me is that the surface, practical changes (all the housework and flowers etc) are all good and well, but unless he sorts out his deeper, emotional issues, where are we really? In a year or so, when all this has died down, I can't help but believe that all these changes will dry up. Then we will be sitting in exactly the same situation we were when the A happened. I will be carrying the bulk of household responsibilities and he will be in the same emotionally vulnerable state he was in pre-A. A scary place to be!

I do find comfort here more then I do from my M right now....very grateful for this site.....very mindful of boundaries here for that reason...specifically with regards to PM female members.
^^ I really understand this blakesteele. Just lately I have felt desperately in need of "a shoulder to cry on" and the people that really understand are the people on SI. I can see how that could lead to boundary issues very easily.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 2:55 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 18yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 777 | Registered: Oct 2012
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ItsaClimb

What also really, really scares me is that the surface, practical changes (all the housework and flowers etc) are all good and well, but unless he sorts out his deeper, emotional issues, where are we really? In a year or so, when all this has died down, I can't help but believe that all these changes will dry up.

Your post made me think. Now I am going to say something that is really scary. It frightened me when I thought it. I knew it was happening but I didn't think about it enough.

After dday FWH changed completely. No more sour moods. No more snappiness. He gave up his whores. Took me out to dinner weekly. Bought flowers at least once a week. Started helping with buying groceries and cooking (which he had NEVER done). Told me he loved me and was sorry every day. Sex went from once a fortnight before dday to daily for a while before easing off to settle at 2X weekly within 2 years.

Today - 3.5 years later: I can't remember the last time he bought flowers - several months at least. He is sometimes moody (maybe once a week). We haven't been out to dinner in several weeks. He says he loves me and is sorry maybe once or twice a week max. Sex is back to once a fortnight and is less than ho hum. He still buys the groceries and often cooks but I have a feeling he has begun to enjoy the control this gives him.

The worst part is that if I mention the As he becomes defensive.

Clearly - yep the changes are drying up.

I hope this isn't your future

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blakesteele

Sending up prayers for you.

BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:43 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks laura28. That is kind of you. I am sorry for your new struggles of late.

I will say a specific prayer for you, your spouse and the other posters and spouses on this thread tonight.

We all share a common goals of healing ourselves, growing through our own issues, and doing our part to nurture a healthy M. God is cool with each of these goals....the devil is not.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Itstoohard
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. This is why SI is so great. My dd anti restart was last month too,Hopeful. I could have almost written your post. Difference is in July H stopped conversation. I asked asked and reminded him how hard Sept. Was going to be. Still nothing. So I put wall back up. We now exist in same house. They say 2nd year can be harder than 1st..yep it is. Wondering if it's also going to be the last.hugs to all here.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 152 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
ItsNotUitsMe
♀ Member
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-day was the end of my marriage. The moment of confrontation was an instant dealbreaker, so I am on a completely different path.

When I read about all these these struggles to R, I can understand being able to improve many aspects of the relationship and taking the opportunity to make things better and fix things that were causing problems before the A and actually have an improved relationship, at least on the surface.

But the one thing I can't wrap my head around is how on earth a BS gets past the resentment?

It seems like if everything else is being done, NC, MC, IC...all the C's! if genuinely remorseful, full disclosure, and everything that goes along with R is being done, none of it will matter if you still harbor resentment.

Early on I asked myself what can WS do to right this wrong and make things better, and the answer for me was that he couldn't do anything to undo what he did and I knew I would never be able to forgive AND forget and deep down, I thought that is what it would take.

So ultimately, I figured out that the question I needed to ask myself wasn't what WS was capable of doing but what "I" was capable of. And I pictured myself holding this over his head, and feeling like no matter what he might do to try and "fix" it, nothing would ever be "enough" for me to move on.


Posts: 1015 | Registered: Dec 2008
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BlakesteeleI hope you are finding peace today. Don't settle for the old ways. I refuse to. Bring it up and bluntly. The ultimatum...I did today.

I didn't get to sleep till 4am. We have talked about this A in depth and to a large extent in the past. So sorry Itsaclimb, that yours just clams up altogether. I would have been hitting my husband with a 2x4 if he acted like that. You can't even begin to deal with the emotional till the ins and outs facts are discussed first.

I did approach mine this morning and laid down my demands. I was emotional and honest. I told him his lack of sympathy was pushing our M apart. I admitted to him that I was at the stage where I wanted sympathy/comfort/empathy from the opposite sex: hopefully him(the support of SI and other female friends that have been through this was no longer my crutch/comfort)[/italic) And that if he couldn't push past his selfish defensive stance that this marriage would be doomed and I wanted divorce. Because, I refused to go without what I needed from my spouse. I will divorce and find someone that was willing to be that for me.

He said it was his defensive coping mechanism...that he didn't want to look at himself in such a horrid way to cause me so much pain. He is sympathetic and empathetic, but doesn't know how to comfort me when I get that way...so he lets me rant/vent/downward spiral. He can't separate how I feel from what I say. (We discussed that too)

I understand...I don't want him to beat himself up. I want him to heal too. To respect himself again. I don't want either of us to go through this marriage feeling we are worthless to each other. I want us to be equal again. Not me being a better stronger person than he.

But, I told him (again) I need him to give me comfort and not focus on how he feels because of what I say. But, to focus on my pain and how I am feeling. I am not talking about it to attack him and remind him of what he did and what he is. Just to share my pain. I should be able to get comfort from him...after all he caused it.

He said he doesn't know what to do...It just kills him that I still hurt everyday and that he knows he is the one that did all this. It makes him feel like a monster.

I don't see him like that. I just think he really fucked up and is sorry. However, he needs to step up more and out of his comfort zone in order to make a difference and to keep from sweeping it under the rug and reverting back to the old ways.

Itsaclimb

he would have thought that after 24 years of marriage I would be trying harder to save it...

My response to that would be, maybe after 24 yrs you would have valued us enough to not cheat. They expect so much from us...that they couldn't even live up to, to begin with. Yes...the fWS have double standards in that area. We can cheat and not fight for us...you fight for us when we are done with our AP. Because, trust me...I love you.

Laura28, don't let that go any further. It will become comfortable and a form of gas-lighting. Have a reminder meltdown if you need to. Tell him he is falling short and better wake up...because you can still walk out of this. You gave him a gift of forgiveness not a free pass.

I will pray for you guys...and even more at my prayer group Sunday night with my MOPS mothers.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 676 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itstoohard I am so discouraged for you. Month 6 was so hard for us. But, I would hope you found a few months of some peace. Too be shut out completely...ugh. You must be feeling pretty desperate and full of anxiety. Did he tell you why he will not talk at all?

Itsnotyouitsme I am so glad you figured that out so early. I asked myself those same questions. Could I get over the resentment. I know that I could with enough of everything over a period of time. But, it must be consistent. I can move on. I can forgive. But, I will no longer just settle. It will be my way or no way. I will not be taken for granted again.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
The day he stopped talking about her and focused on REAL R. 10-4-12
BF 20yrs
Together since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
This is the exact moment when you can give him what he doesn't deserve-mercy and grace.

Posts: 676 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA-Ebensburg
Topic Posts: 18

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