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User Topic: Details?!?! What did you ask for?
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of details about the A did you insist or are you still insisting on knowing? I want to know EVERYTHING. Ivr asked questions about the ways they had sex and the things they did to each other to if he was happy to be with her and if he missed her after this all.

Am I weird to want to know all the details?

The other night as WH and I were being intimate he pulled me into a position we dont do very often and has been a long time since I can remember we did. But he pulled me up like it was a regular thing but before I could really think about it we stopped that way and tried something else.

I told him about it and he was like "Idk if we ever did it like that but did you see how long it lasted? I clearly didnt like it.". Idk if he did it that way with her, I want to know but I dont.

At the beginning I asked all kinds of things and now those things come back to haunt me alllllll the time! I sometimes wonder if some of the triggers are something I did to myself by asking so many questions. Then I think I want to know these things becasue I NEED to.

[This message edited by suposd2btheonly1 at 8:26 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would advise against a detailed breakdown of every time they have sex. An overview of how they generally did if you're so inclined.

Many people will say its up to you on how much you want.

But are you sure when you sit down and think how much it affects you?


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
heartbrokeninaz
♀ Member
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know the circumstances for you. Was it once or more? I wanted EVERY detail of my husbands one night A. It in some weird sick way made me feel better. I wanted our things to be our things (going down, etc) He had no emotional attachment to her even though we have known each other for 10 years. I don't think its weird at all to want to know. Every person processes things different. If that's what you need, then by all means get all the answers you want!


BW 40 (me)
WH 40
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with horseface
DDay 2 05/09/14 inappropriate texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's at all weird to want to know, and I wanted a lot of info, but there are some things I don't ever want to hear:

- Details of sex, other than weather or not a condom was worn and if WH got off.

- Exact dates. Unfortunately, I have a ton of these already, because I blog every time I travel and every time I traveled was when WH was messing around. Of course, there was plenty of messing around when I didn't, so there's that. I really, really, REALLY don't want any more trigger days.

- Nice things he said to her about herself. I hate hearing this and it makes me want to die.

Everything else I asked questions about. There are a lot of things that I assume or just know happened, but would rather be left with the tiniest possibility that they didn't, than know for sure they did.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 10:03 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
RedRose
♀ Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to know everything - but have been told almost nothing. I recently asked if he fantasized about her while masturbating -he says never, but there is no way it is true (2.5 year EA turned PA but no actual sex). With the texts I read, he has to be lying.

Why do I want to know this? I have no idea. It really won't add anything one way or the other, but I had to ask. I feel like my life was a lie for 2.5 years, so I am trying to get all of the details now in order to reclaim some of that time. Truth about what went on, even if it hurts, will decrease the wondering I do, IMO.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2013
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked so much that I have a lot to think about. I didnt know, or think, that it would make a big difference. I know this is TMI but WH and I have amazing sexual chemistry, theres probably nothing (normal that doesnt involve relieving body functions on each other.... ) we havent done together. A lot weve done with just each other and theres things that I introduced him to that we both like. So i wanted to know if he shared those things with her which they didnt.

To answer heartbroken's question, it was a span of 4 weeks. They saw each other 3 times. The first time was supposed to be a one time thing, the oher 2 they had sex 3 or 4 times then I found out. When they werent together they were talking or texting while I was gone.

God just thinking about that sneaking around behind my back makes me so sick!!!

[This message edited by suposd2btheonly1 at 10:39 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knowing everything can work both ways - on the one hand, sometimes knowing something can cause you more pain as it becomes one more thing to obsess over; on the other hand, sometimes knowing makes it easier, because you discover that what you were imagining is actually far worse than what happened in reality.

For me finding out all the details was a good thing. In my head, I imagined that the sex my husband and OW had was this amazing, romantic and passionate sex - her in beautiful lingerie, him undressing her... you know, the kind of stuff you read about in novels. The thought of it was eating me alive. I was obsessing over it, picturing it... Horrible!

I asked him to describe it to me... guess what?! It was NOTHING like what I imagined. For one thing her underwear was extremely ordinary, very "everyday" kind of underwear... they did not undress each other! The sex was mostly missionary, couple of BJs and she was on top a couple of times. It was pretty much wham-bam-thank-you -ma'am. The way he described it to me made it seem like exactly what it was.... cheap, dirty, unromantic, nothing special. So I was GLAD I got all the details. If I hadn't I would still be stewing over the amazing, passionate, romantic sex that never happened!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 987 | Registered: Oct 2012
heartbrokeninaz
♀ Member
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't mean to laugh but I felt the same way! I thought it was this passionate amazing evening. Only by asking do I know that it was uncomfortable and not what he expected either. If it makes you feel better I say ask away. I think it might help you heal and feel better about all of this.


BW 40 (me)
WH 40
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with horseface
DDay 2 05/09/14 inappropriate texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013
Drowninginitall
♀ Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Details can help or hurt. I'm not dealing with someone who has admitted a PA, but an EA.
I've asked all the details pertaining to that and while they hurt (like hell) they are what will help me heal. Good luck.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2013
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't mean to laugh but I felt the same way! I thought it was this passionate amazing evening.
I found it seriously strange that is wasn't all passionate...candles, sexy lingerie, mood music...the whole toot! I mean this little interlude involved more than 6 months of fore-play and was then planned days in advance! Frankly if I had been the OW I would have gone all out - I would have pulled out all the stops... I found it so weird that she didn't!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 987 | Registered: Oct 2012
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always wanted many details because I needed to know but I also didnt want him to have any secrets with someone else and not me. Somehow, knowing the details meant there were no secrets from me.

I never got them at least truthfully, to my knowledge


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
bh14801
♀ New Member
Member # 41041
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you are sick at all, I wanted to know EVERY detail also, and still do. I think I am crazy for asking too, but some odd way it makes you feel better, but then you can't stop thinking about the details. I do think we think it was much worse, in my situation nothing romantic was involved, doesn't make it better just one less thing to set the triggers off. God knows we have tons of triggers now. It's only been one month for me since Dday, so I really want to stop wanting the details now so if possible I can move forward, but to be honest if I want to know something I want an HONEST answer no matter how it hurts. That's just the way it is for me right now. Do what you feel is right in your heart.
BS - 51
H - 63
Together 25 years
Married 10 years


**One day at a time**
D-Day 9-20-2013
BS - 51
H - 63
Together 25 years
Married 10 years

Posts: 18 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked for everything. I got very little. MY Wh has no issues remebering his handicap from 2001 but has little memory of his 3 A's. Funny that.


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
whatnow8
♀ Member
Member # 36576
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm like RedRose. I want to know EVERYTHING. The last AP was a "friend" of ours. He told me all the details of everyone he was with only once. But there's quite a bit that he's refused to tell me about with her. I feel like they still have secrets.
I feel like so much of my life was a lie. He knew the way things truly were, but I didn't. Yes, the details will hurt more than I'm sure that I can imagine. But I would at least finally have a true foundation of reality to be able to build on. Right now I feel like Steve Martin in the movie Parenthood when his son ran up on the stage. Every time there's something new I find out, or he screws up in some way, everything shifts and I have to start over again.
And the sexual encounters, and EA that I truly had all the details about, as horrible as that pain was, I have been able to process and move past. It's the lies and the details that go undisclosed that make it harder to move on. At least for me anyway. I know other people are different.


wtf?? How insane does your life have to get that you want to polygraph your freaking HUSBAND. ~ OldCow18

It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown


Posts: 178 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted/needed to know every single detail, as if I had been a fly on the wall. I needed to know there were no secrets between fWH and any OW. Furthermore, I think it was very important to "fully confess the sin" (if you will forgive the phrase) in terms of my fWH really owning the breadth and depth of his shit.

In order to own something fully, I feel a vast generalization such as "we had sex" doesn't begin to encourage the WS to see all the myriad of choice points that were blasted through in the quest for selfish pleasures. Certainly in the case of a WS prone to minimizing (like mine was), this is an important difference.

In addition, it allows the BS to gain a complete Gestalt of the period of his/her life during which the A or As occurred. I don't have to wonder; the random questions don't pop into my head.

Truly, knowing EVERYTHING helped our R long-term. My FWH told me things I truly would not have ever learned of had he not told me; this actually increased my sense of security in the rough months after the full disclosure.

Not knowing doesn't mean things didn't happen.


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3880 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Alma
♀ Member
Member # 2743
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It depends on the person. I personally wanted to be like 12008: "a fly on the wall".

Looking back, there are several reasons:

1 - The WS shares things about the marriage with the OP. The WS' willingness to betray the OP in this regard is important, and evens the score in a way. It's a big turning point.

2 - The BS gets to know the parameters of the betrayal, instead of feeling around in the dark and fighting the lurking sense of there being more, and worse, out there.

3 - Yes, it does hurt more, and on bad days, you take it out and turn it over in the light. However, it also hurts the WS more to tell it, and they are forced to feel the BS' pain, which takes a heck of a lot of the "glamor" out of the affair. Paradoxically, it means that your WS is finally accountable and willing to do what it takes.

It's hard. In the long run though, it turned all the drama into a bad joke. It doesn't hurt after a while.


"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."
-Victor Hugo

Reconciled


Posts: 3260 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Canada
chipmunk41
♀ New Member
Member # 40694
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did ask for everything.
I must say though, the more I was told the angrier I got. I could "picture" them doing all the things my H told me.
I really have to force myself not to ask for the details over and over...


wake me up when it's over...

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her name
He refused to tell me. Even when I sleuthed it out, he would neither confirm nor deny. That is, until he was on the witness stand during our divorce trial. Oddly, that's about the one & only thing he told the truth about.

How many times did you contact her?
He refused to say. At first he lied and said just one time, but later when I found proof of additional contact he simply refused to acknowledge I was in the room, let alone asking him questions.

Has there been anyone else?The only answer I got from that was furious cursing at ear-piercing volume.

Did you think I just wouldn't ever find out?Shrug

Did you think I just wouldn't care?Shrug

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 6:54 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is pretty understandable for BS's to want to know all the details. I also think it is very unlikely that anyone ever really gets the full picture.

First, if you ever hear multiple witnesses describe the same event that they supposedly all observed, their stories will be completely different. Cheating spouses in the midst of committing adultery are not known for taking careful notes.

Second, there is the natural inclination (often described by WS's here) as to not want to throw fuel on a fire and make things worse. The more a BS says they really want to know the truth, the more many WS's know that they cannot share details about the lingerie OW wore. If a WH ever forgot your anniversary or birthday, this is not going to be the one occasion when he suddenly admits to having a photographic memory when it comes to the cut of French panties.

So as much as I agree that BS's have a right to know and should ask, I think the percentage that get a real picture is pretty low. There are a few exceptions where there is independent information, such as finding messages or media from or between the adulterers that spells out or depicts the details. But that material is often found despite the WS, not because they offer it.



Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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