No matter how much I write, go to MC, read, talk, face my anger, NOTHING is helping. All I can think about is revenge. Getting the OW and hurting her by destroying her marriage and getting her fired from her job. Why then aren't I destroying my WH? There are days I can't even look at him, and other times I can't stay away from him.
Now this numb feeling has come over me. I can still go into a rage, but I've almost gotten to the point where I'd rather ditch my marriage then continue to be in this much pain. Yet, something stops me, I don't know what it is. How can anyone forgive this? There is NO going back, the pain this man has caused me is beyond forgiveness, yet if I don't forgive him I'm only hurting myself.
Apparently there is no speeding up the process either. Why? I've had enough pain in my life, why would the man that is supposed to love me, do this to me? Sometimes I just HATE him for this and my heart is tired of breaking
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth.
NOTHING is helping
Time is helping - even if it doesn't seem that way.
yet if I don't forgive him I'm only hurting myself.
I know it may feel this way, but this isn't the truth, and deep down, way deep down, you know this.
You are stronger then this. Much stronger. You look at a future without your WH and you see nothing but a dark tunnel, but there is a light at the end, and if you walk it with your head held high you will make it. I'm not counseling you to leave, only that you shouldn't be held captive to the feeling that you couldn't leave even if you wanted to. Your choices are your own. Your choice to leave, or to stay, or to forgive or to not forgive. He does not control your choices, his A does not control your choices, only you can control your choices.
Be strong. You have that strength. Tell him that you are strong. Tell him what you need from him. You are not his hostage, your heart is not his to rip apart whenever he feels like it. Don't let co-dependency rule your actions. Be happy for who you are. Your relationship does not define you.
Let me say that again... Your relationship does not define you.
Be you. Make the choices you feel are the right ones, and make them with confidence.
Wishing you the best.
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.
You are not alone on this roller coaster...
I have been having horrible yet satisfying graphic fantasies about physically beating the cr@p out of OW. I have trained in martial arts and I am bigger than her, and as mad as I am, well...let's just say she is very lucky I would not risk my children's quality of life for her(unlike some a$$holes to whom I am married.). I reluctantly admit that these fantasies are also very disturbing to me, it's just not like me...
We are not ourselves right now, and it's not our fault, and it sucks.
Maybe I'm just wasting my time here. I guess I'll read co-dependent no more and just stay away from him. I was bringing him up trying to reconnect and we were, but then he gets "confused" because the next day I'm either angry or depressed. So I guess I should just ignore him? I don't know what to do. I'm about to get in my car and just keep driving... kids are old enough to take care of themselves...
Sounds like you're very confused. Does WH realize that each D-Day puts you back to square one and you have to start the process all over again? It's way to soon to expect you to make any decisions or exercise 'self control.'
My best advice is to take some time to yourself. Don't just drive off, plan a weekend by yourself. Let your WS know that this is time for you. It isn't a punishment or a vacation. Let him watch the kids while you go to the spa, cry, scream, stare at the stars, whatever you need to do.