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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

calendar application on our phones called Cozi

lol, I have tried a cloud shared shopping list too, but FWW is still trying to figure out the television remotes. No hope for digital calendars.

I am compulsive with putting everything in my digital calendar. I want it to be a well ingrained habit when senility begins to kick in.

Last night I watched the Grinch cartoon on TV remembering how the Grinch song was her ringtone for me at the holidays during her A's. She and the kids thought it was a great joke.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy BIrthday, njgal. Thank you so much for all you do in LTA. You are a wonderful person and a font of knowledge. Thanks for sharing all you have learned with the Tribe.

Thank you for the first "lightbulb" moment I had whilst reading SI. I hope you have the most special wonderful day. You deserve it!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8975 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but FWW is still trying to figure out the television remotes

LOL, those television remotes are getting more complicated.

Cozi has a cloud shared shopping list too. We use that too and it works great however it still hasn't stopped me from get text messages for more items when I am at the grocery store.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 405 | Registered: Nov 2012
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unlurking to welcome the new LTA members... sorry you are here but also glad that you have found this amazing group of caring people.

Life has been full of ups and downs in all areas, not just LTA-related; can't say that I am coping that well but I did want to stop by to let you know that the LTA tribe is in my thoughts & prayers whether I post here or not! Prayers for my sister & our family would be greatly appreciated.

Happy birthday NJgal! Hope your day is fantastic cuz you deserve the best.

Hugs to all who need it and kudos to those who are making progress in their survival efforts.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats.

I know you are in a very hard spot. I am afraid that creating a conflict with her will not work out. Like miracle said, it will probably lead to more problems. BPDs live in a world of conflicts. This is what makes life for them so hard. You stated you wanted some sort of logical consequences for her if she does not change here behavior. I do understand where you are coming from and I do not blame you for wanting things to be different. Just remember that what is a logical consequence to you will not be logical to her, and visa versa.

Is she still in IC? If so does this IC understand BPD traits? Does the fact that her income is not what it used to be, cause her anger? Because of physical problems Mrs. Dip is having to rely on me to do more and more things for her. This is only going to get worse. She hates to ask for my help and gets very angry and frustrated about this situation. It is not her fault or my fault that she is unable to perform certain tasks, but her anger about her situation makes things worse. Once she gets in a bad mood.....

Happy Birthday Njgal. What Sister said is so true.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday NJGal!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1570 | Registered: May 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unlurking to say

and wish NJgal the most wonderful birthday imaginable

BIG HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR NJGAL,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

may you birthday be filled with everything happy!!!

hey oldies....nice to see you guys...

lostsuol...will send prayers
hello laura...(waving arms wildly)


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got back from dinner with my FWH and thought I'd check in.....
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes!

The LTA tribe is the best. We really do care about each other.

Shout out to Old Dip, Laura.

Hope you are well.

Lost soul- sending prayers your way.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my gosh dip...how could i forget to give you a shout out too....especially since you agreed with me...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jumping in quickly to wish NJGal a wonderful birthday. Hopefully I'll get a break and we can meet up to celebrate.

Sending out a "welcome back" to Dip, Laura and LostSoul. It's always great to hear from old friends.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday NJGirl & "Hello" to all the lurkers.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Njgal. glad I stopped lurking and hello to everyone.

ATS, sorry things are still being difficult. My previous partner was BPD it is not easy to live with that type of person. Take care of yourself through it all. I also understand being there for the kids, I initially stayed through it all until I started losing who I was and that affected the kids more than leaving. They are grown now and are doing well. I unfortunately thought I worked through my pain and thought I chose a loving new spouse. I found out that he is not who I thought him to be and I am now again at a crossroads in my life.

Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday NJgal! Thank you for everything. You have always been there for everyone with kind words, support and wise advice. I don't know what we would do without you!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So good to "see" you Laura, Dip and Lost! I hope you doing well. I've missed you.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

having some mini meltdowns the last 2 days....

yesterday pfm came with me to see a car, my car gets horrible mpg plus its old...i need a newer car...anyways...im lookin at crossovers cause i like being higher up from ground...not a big selection that are reasonable and get decent mpg...anyways...pfm cranks a seat up in a sedan to show me that the seat can be raised and poss serve my purpose...well i hit my head getting in, i yell ow...and pfm starts yelling AT ME...."whats wrong with you"....and omfg, it hit me...how dare he yell at me....i hit my head, all i did was say ow and he is yelling at me.....he was somewhat cranky the whole day prior...methinks because every step i take is a step away from him...BUT STILL.....he fucking yells at me....well needless, i get a bit of headache, then the salesman starts putting the pressure on to buy one of the cars....and it all fucking hits me....first when he yelled at me....that was my whole marriage....he was always yellin at me for something....then the salesman started asking about title...and insurance and plates...and the next wave hits me....holy shit...its really here....decisions that put me on my own....and he and i had not talked about title and insurance and all that shit....and the saleman is pressuing me....myheadache grew into a tremendous headache and i needed to just get out of there....well anyways..we finally get out of there, because i was done and told them all i was done that i had a tremendous headache....i get in the car to go home...and i start ballling...and i have been balling off and on since...

this morn i wake my kids to help with a holiday traditition cause i find out my mom can't come to help....anyways...my dd comes down to help me..and she starts asking me questions...apparantly she talked to pfm about car insurance...right now we pay 2/3rd of their car insurance...and pfm told her that that would not change....and she didn't know if it was conditional on whether the kids stay with him or with me.....and it hits me a gain.....my dream of my kids and life...is all changing....more then empty nest....then she tells me how she and manchild were talking and manchild will stay with his dad no matter what because he says he just can't live with ME....holy fuck...all the shit i saved him from where pfm was concerned...as much as i know my life will be more peaceful...then my dd also points out that i told manchid to many times how like his dads famiy he is and was.....and its fucking true....i did what i never wanted to do....i became the mother i never wanted to be.....all those years taking everyones shit protecting my kids...well i did a good job because now i am the bad guy in his eyes....the fucking irony hits me.....

and here i am taking a small time out from making honeyballs...a tradition that my kids have particiapted since they could walk....my dd l=helped a bit b4 she went to work, scrawny boy helped a bit b4 he went to work..manchild refused...and then because i told him quietly several time to clean up the mess he left in the basement...he fucking yells at me....omfg...he yells at me....he didn't do it and he fucking yells at me.....so of course i start balling again..quietly and silently....

earlier when talking to my dd about the future with a divorce...of course i balled....i took a half a xanax prior and i just took another half.....damn i hate this....i thought i was past all this shit.....

i hate that my dream with me kids is gone....i hate that he put me in this position....i hate that i lost my unph...i hate that i can't seem to stop ballin....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle- I wish I could come over today and give you a big hug! Of course you are sad and upset and overwhelmed. The holidays always bring up emotions in all of us and then...making a big purchase like a car is unnerving and stressful.
Having someone yell at you is NEVER a good thing!
So...all of that would have made me cry too.

Now...about the stuff about your son. Nothing is over until its over. He may be saying one thing now and then after reality sets in he may be back home with you again. You never know. He doesn't know either. He hasn't tried living with his father yet.
And besides... 18+ is when boys do tend to pull away from moms. It's the natural progression of things. In fact, it's healthy for them to want to detach from their mothers.
And in my experience-the boys that tended to be the most angry etc. about detaching were actually having a lot of self doubt and felt close to their moms so they had to push away that much harder.
Does that make sense? They pushed away to prove their independence to themselves.

So please take what he says now with a grain of salt.

As for things not ever being the same. You're right. they never will.
In fact, none of our lives will ever be the same since d-day. Whether we reconcile and stay with our FWS or if we divorce. Our lives have changed.
Our fantasies for ourselves have been blown to bits.
But...all we can do is pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and start over.
A new beginning.
Whatever that looks like-and it will be different for all of us. Some parts of it will be better, other parts will be worse.
But all of us here on LTA are survivors.

And we will survive and even thrive with our 'new normal'.

A mantra that I used to say to myself whenever negative thoughts and triggers would creep in and cause me to become sad, resentful, angry-basically ruin whatever I was experiencing at the moment.

I would say to myself: "That was then..this is now." And I would force myself to focus on what my life was like now.
That's really all we have control over.
We cannot control what happened in the past or what the future may hold.

You can do this.
Sending long distance hugs.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks njgal.....i wish you could too!!!

well the honeyballs are done...i put on my earphones, put on regular music instead of xmas shit and and i have finally stopped ballin.....still have a few tears...but the ballin seems to have abated....god bless xanax....

there are times that i just cannot believe how much shit i put up with over the years....always makin excuses for pfm....making excuses to others and more importantly to myself....never again will i ever make excuses for another human being...i have learned that all is not what you "see" ...damn i feel really cynical....this xmas spirit is just so cheerful!!!!

anyways....its passing...hopefully by tomorrow i will be back....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll introduce myself as a new member of the tribe that nobody wanted to join... or knew they were joining at the time. You can see my story in my profile.

Tonight is a rough night. WH is off on a 100% confirmed legitimate business trip to Canada and thus out of cell phone range. A few weeks ago I tortured myself by looking at some of his texts to OW on an old phone from 2011 before WH took the phone and hid it.

Well, I found it within 30 minutes of getting back home from dropping him off at the airport. Honestly I thought I would have had to work harder to find it. In retrospect had I not been a trusting person all the evidence for the A was staring me in the face.

So today I spent all day reading everything. Not just the texts between then going all the way back to October 2010 when WH was on the slippery slope, but also the texts between us at the time.

So many lies. Just seeing the differences between where he said he was and where he actually was... him saying that he loved me while he was out with her. Ugh.

And the emotional exchanges were the hardest of all to read. I realize that this was years ago at this point, but apparently they had discussed a timeline for him working towards divorcing me. They talked about moving in together. WH even asked her if she would be willing to live in my house after I was "gone." And WH repeatedly told her that he wanted to be with her.

Ever since DDay he's been telling me he wants to be with me. That he loves me and never stopped loving me. That he'd been wanting to end the A for some time without me finding out. He broke it off with OW on her birthday a week after DDay (which I sincerely hope burned that bridge) and I have reason to believe NC is in place. Honestly he seems relieved that the A is over, mostly because he doesn't have to stress over a double life.

I hadn't seen a lot of their most recent communications but some of the emails I found on DDay weren't nearly as mushy. I know he'd cut down on the time he was spending with OW so there were complaints from OW about that and some begging and pleading by OW asking why he didn't love her. And OW made a reference to him saying he wasn't going to leave me.

So how the hell am I supposed to cope? When did he magically change his mind and decide that hey, he really wants to be with his wife? How am I supposed to face the fact that the man I love had a long term romantic relationship with another woman? The A may have been the second longest romantic relationship of his life!

My heart is so completely broken. I am in IC and we've had a couple of sessions with an MC. I'm not sure it's helping. Regarding going to the MC, he says, "I know why I have to do this. To prove that I love you."

I'm just so miserable right now. I haven't been able to do anything today besides look at the phone. I put it away for now, probably permanently. There's nothing more it can tell me.

I don't even know if I'm asking for advice. I just feel so utterly wounded and alone right now.

[This message edited by TheThreeYearFool at 9:03 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 40
Together 11 years, married 6
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3years: welcome to out little corner of si...first and foremost i am so so sorry that you are "here" and so happy for you that you have found si....and in finding si...you are not alone....there are literally thousands of members...some have moved on, some stay ....but we are not a unique bunch....unfortuanately infidelity is widespread....

if you have not already done so, please read the healing library...stay with ic and mc...make no decisions for at least 6 months from your d-day....not to say that you will be "over it" by then....but you will not be a "newbie".....and its all so overwhelming, which is an undersatement to be sure...

and the fact is, you will probably never "get over it"...but WILL MOVE PAST IT!!!!....and its a choice, like everything in life, its a choice...its not an easy choice, but it is the best choice....moving past it is necessary...and it does not mean that you will move past it and remain in the marriage, nor does it mean you will leave the marriage...it just means that life goes on one way or another...

as for coping: you just do....one day at a time, some days it will be by the minute.....one step at a time....and if necessary, ask our md for either ad's, or at some xanax to take when it get more overwhelming...we do have our days that are worse then others.....

and i so understand your wishing he worst on the ow....hell most of us have....and most of us have wished that and worse for our ws's...and for the most part i still do and i am almost 5 years out...i am also in an in house separation....which makes it difficult....

(((3 years)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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