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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years: isn't it amazing when you look back at earlier posts...when doing just that you can actually "see" how far you have come along....most of us clearly see how far we have come from our original d-days....that emotional rawness....but to "see" how far you have come from the months that followed is cool....and a testament to the hard work you have done a being the best you you can be....not always easy to do....there are days, weeks even when you just want to crawl up in a ball and stay put...

mc: i wonder about your stance on outing the bs to everyone....so tell me what would a bs gain by outing their ws to their young children? what would a bs gain by outing their ws to family and friends? what would a bs gain by outing their ws to the ws's coworkers? the bs's coworkers? to anyone who would listen?

is it perhaps that you sought validation and needed to "see" your ws crucified...and to what purpose...

i will admit that when i first told the very few people i did tell, i did want to see pfm crucified...because it would make me feel better....would it help my sich? prob not...would it help pfm to "see"...prob not....would it help my kids in their relationships with their dad? absolutely not...would it help pfm in his workplace? absolutley not....would it help in pfm's relationships with my family had we been able to reconcile...? absolutely not...most would not just never look at him the same, but would in fact prob hold it against him, prob forever....and had we reconciled....that would equally difficult on me....so what would i gain...

as far as being comlicit....i think that is a far stretch....not to mention i didn't feel and still don't feel like i needed or need validation by others crucifying him....i did a good enough job on that front all by myself... and i will admit that from time to time i still do!! .....and i do hope that in the future when we are no longer living together i no longer have that need...and yes its a need...a very unhealthy need that keeps me tied to him and gives him more power then he deserves...


honest: i think you should go back to your original posts, and even all of your posts...i think it might help....see how far you come, and even see the steps backwards and the steps you do-over and over again.....i know you "see"....where once upon a time you didn't.....now we just need to get you "doing" for you...

sprocket and marion: please continue to post...we tend to get chatty in here sometimes and we also tend to have some lengthy somewhat charged discussions....do not let it deter you.....


sprocket: you are still quite new, and raw,,...and give yourself time before you make any decisions, our emotions change over time...and if your ws is truly remorseful you owe it to "you" to give it some time.....give it at least 6 months....decisions should never be made in raw emotion....but with a clear head...

((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years: isn't it amazing when you look back at earlier posts...when doing just that you can actually "see" how far you have come along....most of us clearly see how far we have come from our original d-days....that emotional rawness....but to "see" how far you have come from the months that followed is cool....and a testament to the hard work you have done a being the best you you can be....not always easy to do....there are days, weeks even when you just want to crawl up in a ball and stay put...
It is awesome but bittersweet. My first few posts started popping in this evening, takes a while after you upgrade. I started off on the right track listening to everyone but let fear get the best of me and backed down. I don't even remember doing that. I didn't even remember what I had written in my initial posts. Then again most of the first few months was a blur. Everyone takes their own time to "wake up" but it's astonishing to see it in black and white after you are so far out. ATS was right there in my first few posts giving me the "gospel" and I completely whiffed it. As I stated before I had to do it the hard way I guess but I got there eventually.

I really need to start posting again in JFO. Seeing those first few posts reminded me of just how ridiculously vunerable, sad, and distraught I was in the beginning. Also shows me just how awesome this site really is with all the support I got. Need to start paying that back more.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The subject of outing the affair is something that is often discussed on other forums on SI- JFO, General, Reconciliation.
And in those discussions there are many posters that feel that there is value and good reasons to out the affair.

The same is true about telling the other BS about the affair.

There are sometimes debates on that topic as well but most of the BS come out on the side of telling the other BS.

I was one of those BS that did tell many people about my husband's LTA.

And it was not done in an attempt to crucify him or to even punish him in any way.

I think perhaps it may be as someone else on LTA suggested-that introverts just don't share as much information with others as extroverts do.

I tend to be a talker in general and I am usually very open and honest about my life etc.
So, it was not unusual for me to share with others when I was faced with an extremely upsetting, traumatic and unexpected news.

And that list of things that what might happen if someone tells?.....
well...I told... and nothing terrible happened.
I just got a lot of support and surprisingly so did my FWH. ( He was of course chastized by family and friends but then during the months of our separation they also reached out to him to offer help and advice).

Maybe different families and different work places react in different ways...but in my case-
The OW did not lose her job.
My children and family members are all 'over it' by now.
They do not hold anything against my husband.

Same with his family and our friends.
I have not heard anyone say that they have heard people criticizing or mocking me for reconciling.

And in my case (and I want to emphasize that I am only speaking about my own situation) there were some positive outcomes due to my being open about the affair.

One surprising thing that happened was that almost every person that I told ended up opening up to me with a similar story from their own experience or of a member of their family.

The other positive I believe was that it took outing the infidelity to finally wake up my FWH.
The secrecy of the affair allowed him to pretend to others and even to himself that he was not such a bad guy and that his behavior was not so bad...

well...seeing the reaction of myself and others really brought it home to him.
Having an affair is not OK.

Again... I am only speaking for myself and would not in a million years question anyone's decision as to how to proceed after d-day.

I do not judge anyone for not outing the LTA and I hope that no one judges me for doing the opposite.

I don't know if I have shared this on LTA before but I did not find SI immediately after d-day. I did find another support site. On that site I bonded with 6 other women who were also dealing with LTAs.
We started emailing each other privately and have stayed in touch for almost 7 years.
We live in all different parts of the US but have even met up in real life every year.

They have been a big part of my healing and very supportive.
Interestingly...of the 7 women (including me) all but one outed the LTA to family and friends.
Two limited the people they told to just family members. Four were like me and told everyone.
One of the women decided to not tell anyone at all.

All of us are successfully reconciled almost 7 yrs post d-day.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:39 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam, I was not going to respond as I felt that my words had been misconstrued enough...plus one of the latest comments from a poster made it 'personal'...but you have always tried very hard in your words to be very nuanced...

so, if you remember, the entire discussion emanated from this comment from an LTA BS:

Now I feel like the hugest pain is the secret I must carry to the grave. It's almost like I feel I want to tell my family and friends because I cannot live with his secret any longer. I am so sad that this is my life and it truly feels like a nightmare I cannot wake up from. :(
^^^This poster clearly wants to confide, release the secret, stop the pretense: the desire to talk to others, ostensibly those close, and get help and support was the premise of my commentary. People who chose to keep the A issue confidential jumped in as if I were questioning their decisions...not so...

anyways, since you ask:

so tell me what would a bs gain by outing their ws to their young children?
^^^Nothing, though Shirley Glass' book speaks to this issue and that honesty, tailored to age appropriateness, is acceptable. But this is the straw-man. I never claimed benefit to outing the A to kids for 'gain'. The issue becomes if I remember in the book, if children sense something is not right for a long period and worry about something related to them.

what would a bs gain by outing their ws to family and friends?
^^^Emotional support, possible empathy, possibly feeling that you are not alone, people understanding why you are not yourself, people reaching out to you. No different than any other reason you would reach out to family and friends. You can be yourself: you don't have to put on the 'happy face' (to quote one BM from his Thanksgiving meal) if you do not want to and people will understand. Maybe you do not have the energy. Also, it is possible to get some see some clarity in terms the character of those around you. This is, I believe, where the poster above was invested...
what would a bs gain by outing their ws to the ws's coworkers?
^^^Another straw-man. I did not advocate for that. Nothing to gain there except financial instability...unless one of the co-workers was the other BS...(!)
the bs's coworkers?
^^^if you feel that you will benefit from your co-workers knowing - helping you with your tasks - or your absences - your proejct deadlines - when you are locked in your office - lots of benefits if YOU want them...
to anyone who would listen?
^^^not sue what that means, as I have told only the certain people I wanted to tell without any reservation whatsoever. Of my closest friends, maybe 1 in 5 know...
is it perhaps that you sought validation and needed to "see" your ws crucified...and to what purpose...
^^^crucified? nope. who gets crucified? who does the crucifying?....though I did require her to tell her family, because as you know, WSs will talk down the marriage for a long time, so she had to say to them that she had more than an even hand at that. She chose herself to tell HER business partners, one a BW, because she wanted them to know that with the chaos of R, and me coming around her work, that Jack was NOT the perpetrator....
but would in fact prob hold it against him, prob forever.
^^^wouldn't that be your family's character problem if you had chosen to forgive him? Are you conflict avoidant and unable to challenge such behaviors? Thought I would throw a tough one back to you...

RP, per:

I think telling family & friends would have made this process more difficult for us.... I knew that the R I wanted was going to be more difficult if I did tell...
^^^specifically why and how? please elaborate... are you are saying that if your WW was 100% remorseful and you did reconcile, that the resultant R would be 'no good' or undesirable as others knew about your reconciliation?

One surprising thing that happened was that almost every person that I told ended up opening up to me with a similar story from their own experience or of a member of their family.
^^^exactly. I learned a lot about other people. And grew more compassionate myself...with the heterogeneity of 'issues' people stronger than me face and overcome...

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 9:07 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal: your sich and allgood's sich are both precisely what i have been trying to say...outing a ws is not a one size fits all sich.....in your case it not only was right but served a greater purpose...in allgoods case it is not right and also serves a greater purpose, a different purpose but nonetheless just as important.....

yours helped save your marriage
allgoods protected her children


outing a ws is not one size fits all.....each sich needs to be handled individually...totally situational!!!


7years: more power to ya to be able to post in jfo......i still can't go there....


and njgal and 7years: its funny but now that my kids know and my living sich will change soon i have been more open with others about my sich.....i am an introvert who has always lived an open book life....anyways....as i find myself opening up more because i no longer have to protect my kids...i too have found that there are so many out there still struggling with their own sich....so i have turned a lot of people onto si....waaay more then i would have liked....its so sad to me how many people have or are goiing though this shit.....its like 1 out of 2 people......


and its awesome for all of us to go back and "see" how far we have come....its inspiring actually and we inspire ourselves which to me is the really cool part.....i am inspired by my progress!!!! as are you 7 years!!!! and inspiration in all forms should always be welcomed...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
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Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, December 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just had to jump in because I think this is such an interesting topic. It is true that each one of us has a unique set of circumstances (and needs) that ultimately determined our decision on who we would tell and the extent of information we would share about our S's LTA.

In my situation, I immediately called my twin sister. I needed my closest confidant because the shock and pain was too much to bear alone. I knew she would never tell another soul if that was what I wanted. I then called my best friend whose H is an attorney because I really thought I would file for D. He drew up a Separation Agreement for me which I gave to my H one week after d-day. Giving my H these papers was one of the best decisions I made as it had an immediate effect on him and what the consequences were going to be of his LTA.

I then decided that my H needed to tell our adult children about his LTA as they were all asking what was wrong. I was a total mess and was having a great deal of difficulty hiding my pain. It was Christmas time - my favorite time of year - and I was a changed person to them. They KNEW something was terribly wrong and wanted answers. I honestly believe that even more than the Separation Agreement, having to tell his children about his betrayal was what shattered any remaining belief that "no one was going to be hurt" by his behavior. He literally collapsed after they left. I heard a thud and found him on the floor.

Because the OW was a coworker and someone we believed to be a close friend of us all, I outed her to them as well. They needed to know who this woman was because she was going to be gone from our lives forever.

As for the other coworkers, I didn't need to contact them. They started contacting me. I found out some very useful information from each one that called but most especially from my H's partner. He was the one who kept insisting that my H wasn't telling me the complete truth. Initially my H admitted to an 8 month A. It was his partner who said the A had been going on for years. If he hadn't been willing to give me the information, I might never have known how long this had been going on. My H was furious with his partner but I will be forever grateful that this person was willing to risk their relationship for the benefit of my knowing the truth. Certainly I wish all of them could have come to me years earlier - but at least in the end, they did come forward and answered my many questions and gave me details to use when my H tried to minimize his A.

I limited the number of people I shared this with to an "as needed basis" but I know that I could never have gotten through those early months and yes, even years, without the love and support from those who did know. Even my BIL was there for ME - and let me know that I would always be family to him even if I chose to D his brother. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. He continues to this day to be a true friend and support.

Now to the current day. My H (for those who don't know) has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It has been a daily struggle to overcome my resentment that this is my "reward" for all the pain and work that went into trying to R with a man who betrayed me for 8 years. It is now that I am struggling even more with wanting to tell anyone who will listen that the man I now need to care for and support for hours day in and day out betrayed me for years. But to what purpose?? When someone tells me how strong I am and how much they admire all that I am doing for him I want to scream - "This fucker doesn't deserve my love and care." I have a renewed anger and desire to let the world know what he put me through but I fight this urge every day. I don't know exactly why I am sharing all this. I guess reading everyone's ideas about sharing or not sharing is helping me in my struggle so many years after my own d-day.

If you've read this far, thank you for letting me vent a little. This is the greatest forum and I hope that the love and support that was always available to each of us here never changes. We are all in this together.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget

Love is a choice.

I hope you have started to protect your assets. It might be worth a visit to an Elder Law Attorney. In all likelihood, You will not be able to care for your H at some time in the future. Always protect yourself and your security. Been there done that with the state taking all my grandma's net worth.

Peace.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ReunitePangea
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Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

specifically why and how? please elaborate... are you are saying that if your WW was 100% remorseful and you did reconcile, that the resultant R would be 'no good' or undesirable as others knew about your reconciliation?

No, I don't think the resultant R would be no good, I just mean the process would be more difficult. R is a difficult route to begin with, in our case telling family would have made it even more difficult given some of the circumstances.

Why more difficult? My MIL is a BS from many years ago. She was married to a guy who had cheated on her day 1, just like my WW did. My WW behaved just like my MIL's former WH. I don't think my MIL ever really dealt with her betrayal. Involving all those old issues into our own R would have complicated things. On my side of the family, a couple family members have been BS. I know my dad has an especially hard opinion against WS. My WW is loved like the daughter they never had in my family. In both of our families, A's have always resulted in D.

Now if my W was not 100% remorseful or if NC is broken I likely would tell. My WW understands this is a consequence of broken NC which helps enforse it.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 398 | Registered: Nov 2012
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love is a choice.

I'm trying, Tryn. Honestly I am.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FnF: It's so good to see you. I'm glad you came here to vent. You are a great burden on you and keeping the LTA to yourself is very hard. I agree that it would really serve no purpose telling everyone about the LTA, but telling some close friends IRL can give you some support. DO NOT take care of WH longer than you are capable of physically, financially, and emotionally.

I agree with Tryn about seeing an Elder care lawyer. They can advise you about the best way to protect yourself financially in the future.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi FNF,

I am going to add to the chorus hoping that you can be balanced in supporting your H through his disease. I also understand the concept of what YOU believe to be the right thing regardless whether your FWH deserves it or not.

I have watched a couple of family members take care of spouses to the end, refusing assistance and institutions. For both of them the experience broke their health to the point that after the ill spouse died, the surviving spouse (both husbands) had greatly reduced quality of life. Both of these men were in nursing/assisted living homes shortly after their spouses passed. In retrospect, in both instances it would have been much better for both parties had there been home nursing or assisted living support for the dying partner when things became round the clock care.

Please take care of yourself too.

Others,
It has been an interesting discussion about each of our early SI postings. When I look back it shocks me at how badly I was being treated by FWW in the months after dday. While FWW has put a veneer of new perception onto herself, I cannot help but believe that her years of hatred and resentment towards me remains as a deep vein. If I were in her position I do not know if I could ever turn my life around to be a happy and supportive M partner either. I will never go back to being the pathetic mess who tolerated that abuse and tried to own and fix all the problems, even to the extent it may make me a bit calloused in my interactions now. It remains a constant struggle to behave as I want to and feel rather than reacting to my perception of her behaviors.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It remains a constant struggle to behave as I want to and feel rather than reacting to my perception of her behaviors.

Ats: Beautifully put!! And what a struggle it can be. I can relate a bit in the way I interact with my BPD mother. It's so hard not to take the way that they are acting personally, especially when they do tend to lash out in a personal way.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While FWW has put a veneer of new perception onto herself, I cannot help but believe that her years of hatred and resentment towards me remains as a deep vein.

ATS - Are you really sure that her "hatred and resentment" was about you or her projecting these feelings about herself onto you?? Your W has had such a difficult and unhealthy past. You were her safe place unfortunately to spew all of her negatively onto. If she is unable to turn her life around and be a loving and supportive M partner, I honesty believe it is not because of you but because she has not been able to heal the deepest wounds within herself. You are a rock, ATS. I am in awe of the dedication and love you have shown since your own d-day. Don't take this on yourself. (((ATS)))

Thank you too for your words of advice and support. I know you understand completely because I see you doing what you believe to be the right thing too in your own M.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((fnf))) it is so good to "see" you old friend....and as usual its also good to hear your prespective....join us more often..

and ats i agree with fnf completely...i think the key for you in moving forward within your relationship with mrs ats is to realized that most if not all of her negative emotions are NOT directed at you......and yes yes yes i know waaay easier said then done...after all if someone is hurling ugly straight at ya its hard not to take it personally....or if someone is not loving us the way we wish they would and could...its hard not to take it personally....

i think its so much easer for "us" here on the lta thread to really "see" the progress that she HAS made....and we "see" it through your posts....only hearing your side...and still we "see it"....and yes yes yes....much easier said then done...all of it..."seeing" it, accepting it, living it, living with it etc...

ok boys and girls....i realize emotions are high on some of the subject we touch upon or beat to death......and we do not all have to, or need to agree on the subject to be supportive of one another....so on that note....i am a little late....thanksgiving was last week...but my mom always taught me to be grateful and to always give thanks for that for which i am thankful for...no special day or occasion needed....so i would like to take this opportunity to do just that...

so thank you lta tribe!!!! thank you for always being there, for always being supportive, thank you for the sense of humor, thank you for saving my sanity!!!

(((tribe)))



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF-

So good to hear from you although it breaks my heart to think about all that you have been through and the new challenges that you have to deal with now that your husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimers.

I know that you will handle it all with love,patience, devotion, and class because that is the kind of person you are.

I totally understand your urge to tell people about the LTA when they comment on your marriage and your current situation.

I have those moments myself....because now..my FWH appears to be an 'ideal' husband that other women envy....Ha! Ha! little do they know what I had to go through to get to where we are today.

Life is truly a journey and none of us get through without having to deal with some kind of difficulty and sadness.

In her book Living Through a Personal Crisis Anne Kaiser Stearns describes the traits of a 'triumphant survivor'. I think that you and all of the LTA tribe qualify for that title.

Here are the traits she describes:

People who go beyond brokenness, overcoming tragedies and hurts, do some things differently in a grief and healing or transition process. Triumphant Survivors think and behave in ways that lead to recovery. So can you.

• You can establish positive memories, loving moments shared with others.

• You can search relentlessly for answers and find whatever help is needed from friends, family, experts, helping professionals, your church or synagogue or mosque, books, healing activities, or support groups.

• You can develop survival strategies such as dealing with pain in small segments.

• You can make an early decision to go forward and actively reinvest in living.

• You can learn to live with the past by getting whatever help is needed to face life squarely and to live in the truth.

• You can remind yourself that prior to recovery it is necessary to deal first and fully with the pain and that your healing process may take longer than you and most others expect.

• You can fight off and resist feelings of helplessness by deciding not to remain passive and powerless, engaging in active learning or decisive action when the time seems right.

• You can leave encumbrances behind—old resentments, grievances, axes to grind, remembered injustices—the harbored memories that grow increasingly heavy. You can decide not to waste your life by permanently losing yourself in sorrow, defeat, anger, fear or guilt.

• You can decide that you want to learn and grow.

• You can look for inspirational role models.

• You can associate with and learn from people who have the ability to laugh, enjoy, and see humor.

• You can make a firm decision that you want things to work out well, want to recover, want to build a new life for yourself.

• You can consciously decide to be in the company of life-giving, positive-thinking, hopeful, nurturant, kind, and understanding people.

• You can decide that meaninglessness is intolerable and set out to make sense of things and construct a meaning for your life.

• You can reach out to help others while you yourself are still hurting.

• You can accept the best life within reach.

• You can do the best that you can.

• You can go forward, knowing the sorrows and hardships you've had to come through—but looking ahead far more than looking back.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

totally awesome post njgal....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF.. I know you made that choice a long time ago. Feelings change as we both know. I wanted to make sure you protect yourself. There are 60-month lookback rules and time is ticking. An expert can give you both all the best options. I hope you and your family have already started the process. Doing this today will bring you good feelings later.

I will tell you what happened to me this past weekend.

So my W and I went to the mall. She had grabbed my arm as we were walking to a store. So I noticed a familiar face. The OM's W was walking toward us. I looked at her eye to eye. She caught my eye. She looked away and then looked me back at me. We had that awkward 2 or 3 second stare. Then she gave me a quick smile. It was one of those good smiles, not a smart ass smile.

I have no idea if my W noticed or not. We just went about our day.

Peace.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF, honest & IWAM,

Thank you all for the support and feedback.

... sure that her "hatred and resentment" was about you or her projecting these feelings about herself onto you.

FNF, I know thta you are right. Nearly all of her anger acted out towards me is projection or the equivalent of a tantrum exploding out. It is her insecurity compounded by difficulty in calibrating emotions.

....much easier said then done...all of it..."seeing" it, accepting it, living it, living with it etc...

And this is the thing exactly. As I noted, I am trying to be better at behaving and perceiving based on what I believe is right, but it is hard to have a relationship with a person with little or inaccurate feedback.

FWW can be busy on a task while I am watching TV. I ask if she would like some help and she replies "No, I am fine you just watch your show". Now what does this really mean? In the past it has meant:

A. She wants help, but does not want to be “beholding” to me (or anyone), so she will not ask for it. Besides, if I really loved her or wanted to help I would do so without asking.

B. Why did you step in, was I doing it wrong? You always think I am stupid and don’t know how to do anything.

So I am left guessing on my own what is enough being supportive and helpful and what is excess. I get no accurate feedback; I do not think FWW really knows what she wants. This is the part that makes life with her so lonely. I rarely (never) get appreciation or thank you for doing something for her. Instead she worries that she “owes” me, and this type of thought makes me wonder what she expects from me when she offers to help me with a project or to touch me? I now have trouble seeing any offer from her as genuine as opposed to a quid pro quo.

I drift to worry that my perspective is off and I really am an uncaring and selfish person. And when I check in with her to find out how we are doing it is always the same; she is fine, we are fine, there is no problem. Before the affairs, during the affairs, after the affairs. Always the same answer, and never (?) accurate.

So I am doing my best, and often feel more like her care-taker than spouse.

ETA: Wow, that is depressing when I read it. I really do have a pretty good life and my mental and physical health is much better than it was in the years prior to dday.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:33 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480, Thanks.

I started a seasonal job to keep me busy and my WW told me she doesn't like it.

She is use to me being home at her call and whim. I really am doing more of the 180, I have plans this weekend with out her.


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is use to me being home at her call and whim. I really am doing more of the 180, I have plans this weekend with out her.
Hi Sprocket, keep focusing on the 180 and detaching. Taking control of your life blows the status quo up in your M. Things can't remain the same if they are ever going to change and significant change is needed in the WS and in some cases the BS as well. IMO, the BS in LTA's have been slowly indoctrined, brainwashed, trained, had "give a fuck" buttons installed in them, if you get where I am going, that takes some time to break in some of us. Some of us rail against our WS's and the inustice of it all on Dday and kick out their WS and others like myself take months or years to recognize the patterns we are in and break them. Either way it sucks and is a long way back no matter what the end destination is. IMO, doing stuff for you prepares you for all the outcomes, D, R, limbo, or something in between. Focusing on you sets the groundwork for your positive future no matter the outcome because in the end the only person you can control is yourself. I hope your recovery is going okay, enjoy the new seasonal job, and please do enjoy your weekend!

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:53 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

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