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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to let go.. I MUST let go.

I think I'll have to do what 7yrs said and think of the worst thing WH has done, but the list is long.

Just having a hard day today and feeling paralyzed. I do everything I have to do for taking care of everything, but not enough to move forward. As a dear friend says to me: Don't let life get in the way of moving forward for you.

Just venting a little.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to let go.. I MUST let go.

^^^yes you do babe. there's nothing there. you have a lot of joy waiting for you if you can make the leap.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

C'mon, honest. We are all holding are arms open as you make your baby steps. You can do it. I am so happy for the steps you are taking. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. (((Honest)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8975 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Jack and Sister! I do need those hugs. I got off the AD's because I felt they were taking the edge off all the emotions and I was still putting up with the totally unacceptable.

I have no choice now.

I've been putting it off for so long because of the financial situation. But that is actually getting worse.

He's told me he can't be with one woman because of sex. I told him to go to meetings, get therapy and he says he doesn't want to....Can't promise that there won't even be an OW#2 in the future.

This is insane. He is insane. What an incredible selfish prick.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,

he really doesn't give a rat's ass...

in one of my vents/rants, I asked my WW: "when you were on your trips with the MOM, and since it was 'ok' to have these rendezvous, why did you not give your me and A____ (other BW, quite good looking) a hall pass? Say hey guys, you go get a room down the hall for your own romp while we have ours over here? ...and if it was not 'ok' and you knew it, and you would not want me and her down the hall with our own good time, why were you there?" response...

I ask that because I was just wondering whether your WH would even care if you left him for someone else? Has he officially declared an open marriage? ..or just for him?

sorry you finances are not improving...just curious, but what part of the US do you live in?

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest- he's a sick toxic man.
He has abandoned you and your boys(both physically and emotionally) for the OW and his 3 other children with her...and now he's searching for another sexual conquest?
He is a miserable human being.He ruined your life, made a mess of your finances. He is a terrible, absent father to your sons and now he's getting ready to screw over the OW and the other 3 OC.
He is a one man wrecking crew.
How can he live with himself? He is a sociopath that has no conscience.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal: Yes, he's been on Facebook talking up OW#2, actually it's turned into an EA and who knows if it's a PA yet and just changed his password. Told me he couldn't promise there wouldn't be OW#2 because he couldn't be with just one woman. He had been telling me he hates OW and was only staying with her because of the OC's blah blah blah. Never will D her.

This is another DDay.

It's what 7yrs was saying about relying on the WS for support and it's not there. I was so insane just believing he loved me, but now this is proof absolute proof he doesn't.

I feel so sick, upset and angry. OMG am I angry. I know this sounds insane when I'm going to write this, but I have to get it out. Because he's so very selfish, he's putting 7 people in jeopardy because he wants sex with more than one woman? (7 people: me and our 2 sons, OW and 3 OC's)

I'm crazy! I feel like I'm going insane. I feel like I'm drowning and want to give up. Logically and mentally I know this is wrong to feel like this. I know what I should do. Emotionally, it's so damn strong that I feel I can't control it. Sorry for the vent.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:

This is another DDay

It's really not. He has made no promises to be faithful to you. He is not trying to reconcile with you.

What this information should be telling you is that he is a lost cause.

Move past this.

You are assuming the worst when it comes to the finances. And, even if the worst case scenario becomes reality, you have the ability to earn your own money. Maybe not as much as he was providing you, but with whatever he does give you, you can make it work. And, if he gives you nothing (which I seriously doubt), you make some adjustments in your standard of living.

Bigger picture. No one should live like this.

((Honest))

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:20 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do not have much time....running out shortly...

but


YAY HONEST...YOU'RE ANGRY!!!!

its about fucking time....allgood is right, its really not another d-day.....but it is something because you are finally angry....

for you and me and a few others....we no longer have d-days....its just sadly more of the same....we learn that what they have done and continue to do that causes us so much pain.....it doesn't hurt any less....hurt is hurt.....but at some point in time we need to change our expectations....

gota run

stay angry dear heart!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is insane. He is insane. What an incredible selfish prick.

Yes, he is.

he really doesn't give a rat's ass...

No, he doesn't.

honest- he's a sick toxic man. He is a one man wrecking crew. He is a sociopath that has no conscience.

No one should live like this.

Exactly. ((((((((Honest))))))))

PositiveAttitude - Maybe it's a good thing - not so much he's rewriting the A history as he's finally getting his head out of his butt and realizing that unicorn didn't actually fart glitter.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 9:14 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest- you can do this.
have faith in yourself.
You are worth it, your boys are worth it.
Living like this is damaging to your soul.
It has done damage to your sons...both the younger and the older sons too.
No child wants to see their mother being hurt and treated disrespectfully.

I know that if you ask your boys if they would choose money over living in a safe, tranquil, sane household....they would choose that.

Your ideas for finding work are really good...one step at a time...
It's time to reclaim your life.

You are still a young woman and have a lot of living to do. You can survive this and even thrive.

Do not see this latest news as a d-day.
He is not cheating on you because that would mean you were not aware of the situation.
You know exactly who and what you are dealing with.
Now you have even more information.
This should empower you and make you want to get away from him and his influence even more.

There is a lot of help out there in the community to help you get back on your feet financially etc.

You are a warm, intelligent woman...I know that you will find employment. Maybe, not your dream job at first but slowly...step by step you will move toward peace and freedom and self sufficiency.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Positive Attitude-

Like DH I did have a different take on your WH now throwing the OW under the bus.
I do not see it as re writing history.
I see it as coming out of the fog. Being introspective (he is in IC right?)so...he may be discussing these things and looking at his life and his actions in a different way.

My FWH did not think he was 'in luv' with the MOW but he did think of her as a 'fun' sex buddy and drinking partner during the LTA years...and he certainly had no clue how destructive his behavior was and how much damage it could cause.
He realized all of that after d-day.
He saw the OW and the LTA and himself in a completely different light.

Could that be what's happening with your WH?


Decimated- how are you feeling?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey NJ,

He's gone back to sweeping it under the rug, never answered me when I asked if he would send a NC letter. Basically just pretending the whole conversation never happened. His usual MO.

I vacillate between wanting to bring it up again and just not caring enough to bother because I know how it'll end, and it won't be to my benefit, so why bother? I'm thinking if he's going back to his 'la-la-la' approach, I should just go back to planning on getting out. Not what I want, but what I think I need at this point.

I still can't eat without extreme stomach pain and often vomiting. Had a half a cup of coffee this morning and managed to keep it down. Indulged in a little retail therapy and bought myself a couple warmer outfits for work and a rockin' pair of high heeled knee-high leather boots that go perfectly with the new wrap-dress I bought with a gift card that I DID NOT GIVE TO WH OR DD. I actually spent it on myself!

Oh, and 7yrs -- The Doctor Who movie - Day of the Doctor -- is playing a one time showing in 3D on Monday. Search your local cinemas. :)

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 11:04 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dh:


PositiveAttitude - Maybe it's a good thing - not so much he's rewriting the A history as he's finally getting his head out of his butt and realizing that unicorn didn't actually fart glitter.


i almost spit out my food


premature submitting for me..

dh: i love your plan and (damn in edit you cant go back and and "copy" and paste)

from memory...the why bother because it will only serve to hurt you is DEAD ON!!!! i smiled when i read it, it means you are growing, becoming stronger and actually "seeing" clearly which is so so hard to do when we are feeling so overwhelmed with pain and information

i love that you bought yourself some bitch boots.. .....start planning on wearing them someplace special ...or even just get out and go dancing with some friends...start living....at least once a week go somewhere...a movie with dd, dinner with a mom & dd group, dancing with some friends...spa day...at least once a week "feed" your soul

take care of your health too....make sure you drink plenty of fluid....and try to get some proteins down...peanut butter is an awesome protein....on bread or on a spoon

(((dh)))

(((tribe)))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 12:24 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH: I'm so glad you bought some things for you instead of someone else. That is a step in the right direction. His MO is to rugsweep and he'll act all nice and good. I know I ended up getting complacent in the 'act" because I wanted to believe it so badly.

Thank you all for your support.

I guess this is really hitting my fear of abandonment issues big time. Hitting FOO issues deeply because I was buying into all his lies that he loved only me. That he was only with OW because of the OC's. Telling me he would never D her because of the OC's. But now I have proof of OW#2 and seeing him telling her that he loves her, etc

Allgood: I am scared. I am dealing with a NPD. I know that he will 180 me and be devastating. Probably trying to control with money. I know I can get a job, but I don't think it would cover more than the grocery bills and maybe some utilities. People keep telling me he wouldn't abandon the DS's, but I'm not sure.

I been having a lot of suicidal ideation... trying to hang on. I think I'll call my IC later.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((honest)))

you need to stay out of that rabbit hole...you "see" and then you forget for a bit, and then you "see" again....so on and so on...you keep goin round and round and keep comin back to the same places....its time to stop that cycle...

you have known full well now who this poor excuse for a man IS!!!

now its time to know yourself...and KNOW you can do this...you must do this...

get out of your mind/heart......you keep swallowing yourself up....he has shown you who he was a long time ago....put your big girl panties back on a get yourself a pair "bitch boots" and boot that man to hell....

get angry dear heart....get good and angry, you have a right to be angry....use it to propel you....WE ALL KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS AND MUST DO THIS!!!!

AND STOP LOOKING...YOU NO LONGER NEED ANY MORE PROOF OF WHO HE IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 12:30 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.. You are a woman of worth to me and I am always glad you reinforce me. You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change. When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold off one day to know your kids, your future grandkids.. they will bring you much joy... feelings are temporary.. they change. I do care about you Honest. I am glad you are going to call your IC.. Good plan.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest- call your IC-hopefully she will be able to see you or talk to you on the phone.
Keep venting here on SI.
Breathe.....
Remember...you do not have to do everything at once.
Baby steps are fine.
Step one should be to get a job. A small job will do, a part time job, maybe substitute teaching but anything-a receptionist job would do the trick.

You don't have to tell him that you plan to divorce right now. Getting a job will give you a chance to see what it will be like, how much you can earn etc.You don't have to get his permission for you to get a job!

Do this while he's still contributing to the household so there's no reason to panic.

What's the worst thing that can happen? If you don't get a job right away you still have his financial help backing you up and if you do get a job but don't like it...you can quit and look for something else.
And maybe..just maybe...taking that one little step toward independence will help you with your self confidence and help you make the decisions you need to do to create a great future for yourself and your sons.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
LiedtoLucy
♀ Member
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time posting here... Please help.

My FWH had 4 year EA/PA with a former coworker.

She is pregnant. Due the end of next month.

He has NC with OW and has agreed to NC with OC. I didn't ask him to. He knows it would be too painful for me.

We are in MC trying to R. DDay was 7 months ago.

FWH doesn't want to talk about all of the "aha" moments that I have. Such as, him being right in the middle of his affair with OW the entire time I was pregnant with our 3rd child and taking care of the other two constantly lane in the evenings and struggling while he worked "overtime" for extra money.

While I was pregnant He kept offering to have a vasectomy, instead of going ahead with the tubal ligation that I had already scheduled for after the birth. AHA. He wanted to be able to f*** her without worrying about knocking her up. Now-I will sit and think that if I had only let him have that vasectomy at least OW wouldn't be pregnant. How fucked up is that? I know that it is...

One time he brought me home a gift...out of the blue. Handed me the shopping bag. There were two perfume gift sets. One of them was the brand that I wore. The other was not. I asked him why he bought the other one and he got a weird look on his face (like "ah damn") and said I thought you might like to try something else sometime. So yeah.. Now I know it was for her.

I have looked over his phone records from the time of the "A" and I see all of the times he hung up with me to take her call. His calls to me on the way home from her house after he f***ed her and was on the way home.

There was one night that he started trying to call her in the middle of the night from work..

He called and called and called. Up until he got off in the morning and all the way to the town that she lives in 30 minutes away. I could See each call origination point as he got closer and closer and then it stopped. She never answered the calls. Were they fighting? Was he worried about her for some reason? He had made it to her house. No phone activity until 3:30 the next afternoon. His mom called. She watches our kids while we work. He took the call from his mom from her house. Left. On the way home called me wished me happy birthday. Told me he couldn't wait to see me and take me out to dinner that night. I was so excited to be going to dinner with him that night.

It was a good dinner, but I can't think about it or anything else that happened in the last four years without thinking about what was going on, right under my nose. So blatant.

It is like I am still looking for clues but the damn mystery is solved so, why am I doing this? I feel like I need to tell him that I have figured all of this out because it hurts so much. But he thinks all of the "remember when?" is not helpful. I am not sure if it helps me or not..I just feel this need to confirm things..and he doesn't want to keep talking about it and agonizing.

He has told me twice when I try to talk about such things "oh, I guess it must be time for my dose of I am a piece of shit." It pisses me off. I feel like I need to vent to get it out to feel better, but it makes him feel worse. Then I get angry because he won't talk about it.

Sorry so long here. Any advice out there?

[This message edited by LiedtoLucy at 6:23 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 110 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lucy))),,,welcome to our little corner of si and so so sorry you are here.....its usually a little quiet in here on weekends...and it all completely sucks

as for your sich....there are several of us in here who could relate to most of it with exception to the oc....there is only one in here who has 3 oc's to deal with...but then again her sich is one of a diff color all together.....anyways...an lta is a different breed of an "a" alltogether...

please take care of yourself, eat, drink get some regular exercise, even if its just walking...we tend to get swallowed up by this shit

as for "r"...there are several in here who have, a couple have "r" successfully, some have divorced and some are undecided and others like me are on the road to divorce...so we represent lots of different ends of the spectrum

we all will and would offer lots of advice...most of it is actually advice all over si....

both of you need to do ic and mc if working on "r"
he needs to come completey clean with you, anything you ask within reason....example: how often, where, how long are reasonable......what color underwear, remembering every word spoken...unreasonable

he needs to be 100% transparent, honest....give you all of his passwords, you get total access...

basically you should read the healing library if you have not already done so

post often, it will help....its like 24 hour ic...its very cathartic for most of us

(((lucy)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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