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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldnt say I dont love WS, because I do still have feelings for him that I cant quite identify - more like having pleasant memories of our happier times & being nostalgic
I would maybe liken this to how some may feel about their first real "love". My first real boyfriend I had a ltr with, over 5 years. We lived together for a few years, too. I loved him. Deeply and passionately. We were 15 and 16 when we fell in love. We just wound up having different goals in life. He wanted to live the "biker" (not a gang) lifestyle and I grew out of it. I wanted a more traditional lifestyle. We parted amicably and loving each other but realizing we weren't "right" for each other.

I still to this day love him, but not in away you would love a spouse. I don't even want to have a friendship with this man, but I do love him. I will be very sad the day he dies. He was a good, kind, loving boy who loved me. We had fantastic, fun, crazy ass times together. He is a part of my history, he helped make me who I am, I learned a lot from our time together.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH: Get to a lawyer ASAP for a consult. I went to 4 different lawyers to get info and it was really helpful. His threats about not having you on his health insurance are just that: threats.

I do understand that you feel you are not ready to face his reactions to the consequences that you know you must enforce. I know you are afraid of his yelling more and being more "monstrous". Deep down you are trying not to rock the boat. It's codependent behavior. You may feel that if you are 'good" he won't be mean and be more cooperative.

I truly get that. Been there, done that, still do that a lot.

But the difference now is that if you can emotionally detach and just put up the show while you are getting your ducks in a row, fine. But, if you keep getting your hopes up everytime he ACTS loving and nice, it will be a let down every. time.

The 180 I know you can do right now is simply shift your focus on you. You can still act "nice", civil and polite, but do not extend yourself. Stop texting him. Don't rise to any bait he gives you. One of the things that really worked for me is that if NPD said something hurtful or mean, I just smiled back at him and said, "Ouch" and walked away.

Small steps.

As for Thanksgiving, think about why you are cooking it? If it's for DD to have a nice day, then fine, but otherwise, make as much shortcuts as possible. Do not go all out. From what you said about the in-laws in previous posts, you've done enough for them as it is. Do NOT feel guilty or feel you should have to do anything.

I also agree with the others, the other BS needs to know. Everyone needs to know. Your WH needs to see that this is real life and there are others involved with his selfish decisions.

I'm so mad for you!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel pathetic reading what I just wrote. Why did I do that? I need to 180. Hard. I know I do.
DH, the 180 is extremely hard for some of us in the beginning. It was for me as well. IMO it's hard for a few reasons. It's hard because it seems to go against everything we have done thus far in our M even after DDay. We are used to being treated as less than human and we are even addicted to the crumbs we are given on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. We don't like the conflict and we want things to go back to the way they used to be. The crumbs remind us of how things used to be but those days are long gone and never coming back. The last point is implementing the 180 means knowingly going against the grain which means in our minds we risk losing someone that we haven't actually realized is already gone. It means taking a step towards something different than what we have known and are used too. It means accepting and acknowledging that things aren't well in the M and change MUST happen in order for things to get better for YOU.

While our stories are different how you seem to be approaching things in your M is similar to what happened to me. My suggestion for you for the 180 would be to start by not texting or calling your WH. I used to sit by the phone waiting for my STBXWW to call me at work. I would get anxious and antsy when I didn't hear from her. So the first step for me in the 180 was I told myself no matter what I refused to call or text my WW during the day. I just stopped calling. The first day was torture. The second day was the same. Then she started calling me as if she could feel the universe tilting or something but wasn't sure. I didn't answer the phone or if she texted I would lie and tell her I was in a meeting. After a few more days I no longer cared if I talked to her on the phone and started doing the same in the house.

It is literally like weaning yourself off of a drug. The longer you can go without contact the better. When you think of calling or texting him think of the most vicious thing he did to you that pissed you off. It helps. For me it took the realizaton that my STBXWW actually got a tattoo of the OM initials on her leg. She covered it up with a black heart since DDay happened a few days later but I eventually found a picture of the original tattoo when recovering data from old phones she had given the kids to play with. (Yes, I took investigating to the extreme back then) Anyway whenever I felt the urge to call or text her I thought about that image and immediately got pissed off. Eventually I just didn't care anymore and the 180 stuck. Yes you will mess up the 180 a few times but just start it right back up.

I mentioned starting with no calling or texting because you realize that you are reaching out to him and he is basically ignoring you when it's obvious you are not okay. You have to start figuring out some new coping mechanisms. One of the big aha moments for me was realizing that my STBXW was the only coping mechanism I had when things got bad. Except now I couldn't exactly reach out to her to make me feel better when she was the problem. For me coping became going to the gym, coming to SI to vent, calling and talking to my brother and another friend. I figured out other ways of coping so I could for lack of a better term "self soothe" when things got rough. Find something that can act as a release for you or that you really enjoy and get to it. It helps.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:45 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where do I go from here?

DH - I probably don't have much more to add over the other advise you are getting. I am wish you strength to get through it all. 180 is probably the exact thing you need to do given your situation.

If it was me, I would go buy a stack of dog sympathy cards and when you do need to communicate with him write it out on one of the cards.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 406 | Registered: Nov 2012
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^what they said.


Channeling SisterMilkshake, you will know when you have reached a state of 'attractive and quality' when you talk to the other BH (dammit, tell the poor man!), tell the in laws what their son is about, tell everyone else, and put into place the 180 to protect yourself. Please love yourself with self-respect.

His threats are empty bullying. After all, how dare you do something that might jeopardize his supply of strange pussy...

Think about all the stuff you have posted here about yourself - you are the bomb!

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 11:14 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH-
There is no chance of true reconciliation without holding the WS accountable for his/her actions.
You cannot just brush the infidelity under the rug, pretend it didn't happen, hope it goes away.
You cannot 'nice' your WS back into the marriage.
You cannot beg and plead and get the WS to change their mind.

The only hope that a BS has is to use the 180 approach or the tough love approach.
You have to draw a line in the sand and demand that the WS has to choose- the affair partner or the marriage.
They cannot have both. They cannot sit on
the fence.
When you take that tough love approach you do risk losing your marriage.
But sometimes you have to risk losing your marriage in order to save it and in all actuality...do you really have a marriage if the WS chooses the affair partner?

You deserve much more than what you are settling for. You need to demand the respect that you deserve.

When you confront the WS and force them to choose you precipitate a crisis. Like an alcoholic hitting bottom...it forces them to face up to what their life has become.

Tell the OW's husband about the affair ASAP.

Do not let your WS bully you and threaten you.
He is protecting the OW and the affair.

The one chance you have of ending the affair is shining a light on it and exposing it.
Affairs thrive in secrecy.
I also believe that you should tell his family about the infidelity.
Why are you protecting him?

Your DD already knows about it and has been exposed to very painful things.
I'm sure that she is in a lot of emotional distress.


After d-day I kicked my FWH out of the house.I told him to go to the OW if that was what he wanted. I told everyone about the LTA and I called the MOW's husband, my FWH's boss and co-workers.(The OW was a co-worker).
I did not speak to my FWH for over a month. I did not respond to phone calls or emails.
I saw a lawyer and filed for divorce.

I had not found SI yet and had not read about the 180 or tough love. It was just an instinctual thing for me. My reaction to protect myself.

D-day was hitting bottom for my FWH. The intensity of my reaction caused him to finally take a long look at himself and realize how far off track his life had gone. He got sober and went to AA and IC.

When I kicked him out after d-day I did not expect this to happen. I was standing up for myself and protecting myself.
The 180 is a way to protect yourself and your DD from anymore hurt.


and as for Thanksgiving....your WH does not deserve any kind of celebration.
Tell his family the truth-they will understand why you are not ready to celebrate with him.
Your DD will surely understand why the two of you are going to a restaurant alone to give thanks for each other.



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH: Listen to the good advice everyone is giving you. We have your back. We are family!

7yrs: Your post was fantastic!!

Njgal: thank you for always being there for us.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(sigh) After DDay #2, my first question to WH was "Do you want to stay married, because if you don't I'll be fine, and you'll need to get out tonight. I don't care where you go, you'll need to leave NOW."

He stayed. After weekly MC and monthly IC, he still has times when his head is up his ass.

He's finally noticed that during our daily life, I don't look at him, barely speak to him, don't engage in conversations, & all those little things (both verbal and nonverbal) that told him he was special to me are gone. He is a persona non grata, and I often, mentally, consider him my "house boy" as well as an indentured servant who is on house arrest.

He stays because it suits me, and he is working on himself and I'm seeing progress. I'm working on my own issues with my IC, like who the hell did I marry, why did he wake up stupid at age 55 or 56, and do I want to stay married to him.

I told him he should be suffering more, and suffering overtly so I can see it.

He's been in the catbird seat for the past 7 years, he had it all, he was having sex 2 to 3 times a month (using those expensive boner pills each and every time) with a prostitute whom he thought was his girlfriend on the side (he loaned her money for bills but it was really money for sex--yes Happy Hank IS that simple and gullible), he came home to a wonderful life that he did NOT treasure, and all the while, I was celibate (which was fine with me because of the issues he had with ED and PE), so yeah, I'm hurt and pissed beyond words. Y'all know what I'm talking about.

I like it when he cries. It shows me he feels something deep. I try to feel nothing when he cries, and I do not comfort him.

He told me that his memories of the last 7 years of our marriage are real, he treasures them, and for him, they were not destroyed by his lies for 7 years, but I've lived the lie and those memories are like ashes in my mouth. Those memories are tainted, they weren't real or authentic because he was leading a double life so every part of the last 7 years of our marriage has a basis in lies--the little vacations, the holidays, the family & friends celebrations, our outings, all based on lies because he was living a double life. I was expendable, I was disregarded, no matter that he says he loved me all the while, and yet he was able to easily separate his real life from his fantasy life. The things he was capable of astounds me, and not in a good way.

His daily reflection brings some progress to him, as does IC and MC and reading books.

His latest reason (I've kept a chronological list of them) for stepping outside the marriage vows, outside his religion, outside the way his mom & dad raised him, outside of knowing what's right from wrong is as such:
It was him, not me. He was the most lucky and blessed of all his friends with what he had--a good marriage, a smart & talented wife, no money worries, friends and family...and yet...

He was old, he was looking at retirement (he decided to retire, even though he could have stayed many more years), he was fat, he was not as active, nothing was exciting. He tapped into the egocentric "Happy Hank-centric World" of a 2 and 3 yr old's mentality of the world revolving around him, and he wanted something different, wanted a fantasy, and anyone else be damned because he wanted what he wanted. He took the step into infidelity, knowing full well right from wrong.

I told him 'Guess what? You’re STILL old--7 years older now!-- fat, inactive, retired, and you’ve jeopardized your marriage!'

He never thought he'd be found out. He didn't think my finding out would hit me all that hard. He now realizes how much of *me* has been destroyed by his hand. After all, I believed him for seven years, why shouldn't that continue?!

He admitted that if he had not been caught, he would have continued the LTA. He actually said yesterday that he was glad he was caught, because he couldn't see him stopping himself any other way, and these months have been a serious wake up call. Sex was a really strong reinforcer for him, all those different positions with someone younger, limber, flexible, and let us not forget his face-planting between her legs too. There is not enough bleach and kerosene in the world for me to want sex with him.

I doubt I will ever trust him again, even though he's been open and transparent. He wants to save our marriage. He doesn't use the computer, and we have flip phones that don't have internet access, plus he knows I check the cell phone bill line by line. The other day, he tried to get me to say I am determined to make this marriage work, but in all honesty, I deflected, never answered, and changed the subject. It's too soon for me to answer that. I still have a long way to go. I still am so full of hurt and anger.

To quote Miss Maya..."And still I rise!"

[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:47 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 64 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope2B-

Excellent post!

So much of what your FWH said is exactly what my FWH said in terms of 'reasons' for the LTA.

Your WH's progress in IC sounds encouraging.

That was key for my ability to reconcile- My FWH went to IC and AA and Christian counseling with a minister.
And I went to IC for 4 years.
...it took me a long time to process all that happened and to just get over the shock and trauma.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Hope2B,

After DDay #2, my first question to WH was "Do you want to stay married,...

I am guessing that you first answered this questions as yes, you do want to stay married to your WH. And this is despite his 2nd D-day.

You post he gives becoming old, fat, inactive as the reasons for his As? What is he doing now that is different, now that he is older, fatter, and more inactive?

There is not enough bleach and kerosene in the world for me to want sex with him.

I doubt I will ever trust him again,...

You post that he wants to save your M, but it sounds like you are still ambivalent.

...but in all honesty, I deflected, never answered, and changed the subject.

The next time he asks, in all honesty I would tell him that you do not know if you will ever be able to trust him again, that you feel there is not enough kerosene and bleach in the world to clean away what he did, and thta he got to be in the catbird seat for 7 years taking care of his selfish needs. Then, once you discovedred it he went on to hide it and continue. That you are not sure if you ever can get back to a position where you love and repsect him, but thta while you are trying you certainly do not now.

Deflecting, changing the subject, and never answering is avoiding conflivct, something most BSs and WS need to overcome if they are going to R.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you, ats. There really is no place in a marriage for dishonesty. Even if you aren't sure you want to reconcile, it is best to be honest about that, Hope. I can understand your ambivalence, just let your WH know about it. (((Hope)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hope)))

welcome to our little corner of si.....my gosh...reading about the things your ws has said and continues to say brings me back. there is no rush in making any decisions....he had his 7 years, you take all the time you need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man.

i don't know if you have given him a list of requirements short of nc, ic, mc and coming clean...as time goes on you may feel the need to expand on this list....and you may want to include that he get healthy and lose the weight and get active..because the older we get the harder it gets

as for having sex...you are too young to live a sexless life ...so keep that in mind when planning for your future...

there are days when we take each day as it comes and then there are the days when we take it minute by minute.....take care of yourself first and foremost....you have been hit with an overwhelming blow, you are still relatively new to all this and the last d-day i am sure put you almost back to square one....

the one thing that stood out in your post is the need to see him suffer.....no amount of his suffering will ease your pain...none of it....it breeds bitterness within you.....and as much as we want to see them suffer the consequences of their actions...i would rather "see" a ws fight for the marriage rather then wallow in what he has done....or at least a semblance of both....

my ws did the wallowing thing and also kissed ass up until recently in fact....but it was all bullshit....it was him making nice with non substance.....and as much as i understand some of it because hell he did so wrong he should be kissing ass...along with it needed to be becomming a man of substance, a man with integrity, a man who "saw" the value in honesty both within himself and others.....a man who did as i required but yet managed to still be his own man and not merely an ass kisser....i don't know if i am describing it well...i sometimes "see" in my head but cannot put it in writing...

anyways my ws (pfm)....was never "accountable" for ALL his actions....which i think was and is part of the the reason i will never have respect for him, part of the reason i wanted OUT of the marriage.....i think being accountable is key in acquiring integrity.....and from your post i don't think your ws is being accountable....kissing ass does not make you accountable in fact it clouds over it in some ways.....

the ws doesnt "deal" with his issues in a constructive way, instead he deflects and puts on a show so to speak....and thats all it is...a show....and there is no sincerity in their actions...

anyways welcome again

dh, check in please and keep posting...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your input and insight.

njgal, your words resonated with me.

ats, at this point, I know I am in no position to make a firm decision about staying married or not, when he is showing me that he is trying. For now, it suits me to stay married. I didn't know about Trickle Truth etc. The first DDay, he lied and said it was only an 8 month A, and I thought we were dealing with that--it hit me hard & I asked if he wanted to stay married. Then, during the series of DDay#2s, the length of the A was revealed, and the final day of that Discovery Series was the day before our meeting with the priest, when he disclosed to me, that night at home, how often, where, and sexual details (all of which I asked to be disclosed). I was reeling and in shock.

Sister M, I always enjoy reading your posts. Thank you.

miracle, I have given him a list of basic requirements, and there is no room for error. If he lies, has sex with someone, meets someone on the sly, he is out, etc. He doesn't have a lot of flexibility, being on "house arrest." If he wants to go to the ball game or bowling with a buddy, they have to car pool, and he has to check in with me throughout the event, and I have to speak with the buddy (who doesn't know).

I appreciate your words about suffering. I've always had a "be fair!" aspect to my personality and I guess having balance (he should be suffering too!) is where that comes in for me.

I've been living a celibate life for YEARS, from before his A started. He stacked the deck in the prostitute's favor by taking one of the expensive boner pills each and every time they met. Still, I remember sex with him as newlyweds and early in our marriage (and years and years ago, using a different expensive boner pill, which didn't always work), and honestly, it was the easiest and quickest money the prostitute has ever made. I didn't marry him for his penis (very much located on the undersize side of the bell curve) or its abilities (ED and PE throughout most of our marriage), but for person I believed him to be, the person he was for the first 25 or so years of our marriage.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:05 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 64 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**warning triggery**

I am reluctant to post this, but it is so sarcastic that I thought it might lighten some of us up.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2010/04/16/the-viagra-brigade.html


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Hope! Sorry, I have no advice to give at the moment, but am sending you warm thoughts.

Thank you all for your responses. I know I deserve better. I know DD deserves better. I know I am at my breaking point. I know I am being bullied. I love the sympathy cards idea, LOL!

7yrs, you hit the nail on the head. For 24 years, my coping mechanism was him. And his coping mechanism was me. Until it wasn't. I need mine to no longer be him, it makes no sense to want to turn to someone for comfort when they're the one that made you need comforting. But that's easier said than done, as you know.

I will definitely tell OW's BS. I just need to make sure that mine and DD's future wellbeing is safe first.

MC - Thanks for the compliment! As for the article, I don't think it was meant to be funny, but I certainly got a chuckle out of it, which I needed right now.

Was going to try and meet with a dear friend for breakfast and then get some stuff done on my list since I'm off today, but ended up vomiting again this morning and canceling. Now I am sitting in Starbucks waiting for DD to get out of choir rehearsal after getting sick again in their bathroom. Need to calm my nerves. As much as I'm digging my new Size 4 duds, the Stress Diet is wrecking my system.

Trying to just sort out my thoughts, but it's almost impossible right now. I feel so jumbled. I'm reduced to 1) Pay bills. Check. 2) Order tickets for Doctor Who movie. Check. 3) Get DD dinner and to rehearsal on time. Check. Everything else is alphabet soup.


[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 7:20 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Hope2B!

One day at a time DH. It gets better.

How is your planning coming Honest?

And probable inappropriate thread derailment ahead by 7yrsflushed unleashing his inner geeek!

Order tickets for Doctor Who movie.
There is a Doctor Who movie?!?!?!?!?! Yep off to google to do some research!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your insight it really does help to know there are people who do relate to my situation even if not everyone had a fence-sitting WS to deal with!

When I say I loved WH back into our marriage - it's because WS truly did not feel wanted or loved in our marriage. I'm a very capable woman. The only aspect of WH he thought I needed was his financial support since I was a stay-at-home parent. Everything else I had covered. I'm also not very emotionally expressive, so he thought I didn't love him either. The problem was that I ADORED my WH, I just didn't want to burden him with the trivial aspects of our home life so I took care of everything.

WH truly did not feel loved, but then again, neither did I - for many years when work and everything else always came first. WH used to get upset with me and tell me he "always put himself last." No, actually he always put ME last, but he wanted even more time for himself than what he could carve out between his demanding job and our four kids. He always paid more attention to himself and his wants/needs than he ever did to me.

WH traveling this week has proven very difficult and I trigger when we hang up the phone and sometimes will call back not even 15 minutes later to judge whether he's been talking to her. I don't believe he has, but I don't trust that he's not.

I do see a unique and strange phenomenon unfolding with him. Just like in his affair he had to rewrite our marriage to justify his affair, he's now begun to rewrite the story of his affair to trivialize it to himself and make it appear less than what it was. For instance, in both May and June WH told me that OW was "the love of his life". That he loved her more than he ever had loved me even in the beginning.

Last night on the phone while we were discussing the three times during the course of their relationship before DD#1 when he ended their affair how he always allowed her to stay in contact with him which always restarted their affair. This time OW has not contacted him and he made a remark about it being "blissfully silent" and out of character for her. I suggested that she was probably just gearing up for another campaign against me - he said she "needed to get a clue that their relationship was never going anywhere from the start."

I did a double take when I realized that he's rewriting their affair. He tried to leave me for her - except he couldn't get me out of the back of his mind. He TOLD her he was leaving me for her - you know as soon as I was cancer free (OMG, he lied and told her I had cancer!!) WHY should she have needed a clue that things were going no where - he told her they WERE going somewhere.

I guess I was just stunned at the realization that some WS's must rewrite the affair to make it less than what it was just as they rewrite the marriage to justify the affair. So crazy!


Posts: 155 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope: i feel so sad for you, to not have a sex life, and not to miss it....

i understand you loved your husband and he had medical and physical issues that he could not always "perform"..but hell....why couldn't he find a way to satisfy you....but i understand why, don't like it but i understand...

how angry i think i would have been that he "found" a way to "perform" for a prostitute and not for "me"....all those years...

and you still seem fine with no sex life...my mom was like that....after my dad left her for her sister, she dated some but ended up being alone...and yes sex is not every thing and in a marriage it is but a part of it....

just seems a shame to me...


dh:...take care of yourself and detach, the hard 180 will help you feel better both physically and emotionally....the more you engage with him the more horrible you feel...

and rescedule that breakfast...see people irl...the support will help


pa: om gosh....your ws is not trivializing it for anything other then the man is not being accountable and seemingly cannot face the depth of his betrayal....which means he does'n't "get it"...and when we feel they don't "get it"...we don't heal within the relationship and will never feel "safe"...

nite tribe


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I say I loved WH back into our marriage - it's because WS truly did not feel wanted or loved in our marriage. I'm a very capable woman. The only aspect of WH he thought I needed was his financial support since I was a stay-at-home parent. Everything else I had covered.

WH truly did not feel loved, but then again, neither did I - for many years when work and everything else always came first. WH used to get upset with me and tell me he "always put himself last." No, actually he always put ME last, but he wanted even more time for himself than what he could carve out between his demanding job and our four kids. He always paid more attention to himself and his wants/needs than he ever did to me.

It is so funny (yeah, I am laughing my butt off right now ) how parts or even whole "story" are so very similar to each other. What I quoted from you is really my story, too.

Our "stories" (why do I dislike that word?) differ in that I don't feel I loved MisterSister back. I just held fast. I never stopped loving him but I wasn't going to go cray cray trying to "win" him back. Fuck that shit! I had already "won" him. No, I was the prize and he was going to have to show me that he deserved to keep the prize. I only gave him a chance because we still had a child in the house, I loved him, he was willing to do "whatever it takes" and was remorseful instantly. (although he didn't quite "get it" yet )

He TOLD her he was leaving me for her - you know as soon as I was cancer free (OMG, he lied and told her I had cancer!!) WHY should she have needed a clue that things were going no where - he told her they WERE going somewhere.
Actually, Positive, I would look at this positively. I would take this to mean he always needed his "out" from OW. You were most likely never going to be "cancer free".

I can understand why you would be triggery whilst your WH was traveling. I know I was anxious a lot when FWH and I were separated in the early months (years?) after d-day. Have you talked to each other about ways you can be calmed before you even get triggered? Is there anything he can do when he is away and you trigger?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the big aha moments for me was realizing that my STBXW was the only coping mechanism I had when things got bad. Except now I couldn't exactly reach out to her to make me feel better when she was the problem

7yrs: How very profound. You put into words what I've been feeling for far too long. I kept reaching out to NPD and kept getting hurt. I'm still working on new coping mechanisms. As for my plans? I am finally working on my resume. Looking to substitute teaching and job searching.

DH: Keep moving forward. Take deep breaths. Eat for nourishment so you don't get yourself sick. Drink plenty of fluids. Rely on your family here and friends IRL. This is a fight for your survival and your DD's life and your life.

Hope: Yes, they will tell lies to everyone, mostly to themselves to justify their actions. I was watching a movie the other night where the guy was saying all he had to tell the mistress was "I love you" every once in a while to keep her happy. They lie to everyone.

NPD is busy "grooming" (as a good friend once put it) a new OW on FB. On the one hand why the hell am I bothering looking at this? I guess I need to be hit in the head enough times to make me move. To help me detach.
Funny thing, it is upsetting to me and then again it's freeing. I can see all the empty words without any substance he hands to me and to this new one. All lies to get what he wants. He is addicted to new ego kibbles and attention. He doesn't know how to deal with a real relationship with the give and take. I thought all the charm and sweet talking he gave me throughout our marriage was the real thing although when I wanted more substance, I was accused of being emotionally needy or depressed, etc and told "Look how much I do for you!! I'm the best husband in the world!" ( he really did say that all the time while cheating! )
Making plans....working on them. I have to look ahead.


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