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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New Compass-
Welcome to our corner of SI.
I like your name.
It reminds me of how my FWH described himself post d-day....he said that he had lost his way.
And like you he sought out a lot of help after d-day: AA, IC, MC, Christian counseling with a minister (we were not even members of that church!).
I can attest to how much all of the counseling helped him -he is truly a changed man.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
NewCompass
♂ New Member
Member # 41319
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NGJA
WOW ! What a fast response. I am happy for you to have successfully recovered. I wish you the best. should you need any supportive information, please let me know.


Me (FWS) 56
W - 54
D Day - 12/12
Married 29 years
3 children / 2 college grads

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Savannah, GA
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeh know blobette..
I guess I'm in that rare category, too. To this day, my DH has never blamed the affair on me or the state of our marriage. He insists that we have a great marriage.

My W said the same exact thing. That is what they are supposed to say.

But I am no fool.

Of course, it could be better, and we're working on that.

When we all can get to a point and say.. Hey, I played a role.. be it my own behaviors, be it me allowing my spouse to get away with many things.. And If you really want to get to a far different place.. YOU HAVE.. and attitude.. I am going to learn every behavior that I did not have.. every one that is ONLY good for a marriage.. everything I do is good for the marriage.. I am going to MAKE MY MARRIAGE.. well, I wont say the taboo word.. It is an attitude.. Do you follow?

That is was I am trying to say.. NOT it was your any one of our fault. We did the best that we could at the time.. We placed way to much faith in those famous last words.. "I DO".. We placed ourselves in this.. You don't have to work for me spouse "mode of operation" that we had when both of us were woo each other in the beginning. And frankly, we don't have to work for you. We let that GO. (AND I Don't mean if you so happened to pick evil, or changed to evil.. if you picked a NPD, a habitual liar.. GET RID OF THEM, they are NOT a common person)

I know I took some people here to a place with my post they feel MOST uncomfortable..

The reason I can easily go there.. I Don't care.. And it feels good not to care about that.

Anyways.. Peace out.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:29 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Soldiers!

We are all soldiers arent we? Fighting our WS, our Exes, sometimes ourselves & each other.


Maybe it's sleep deprivation, but Im just feeling a wee bit giddy today.

I highly recommend getting a puppy! It really takes up sooo much of your time that it keeps you busy and happy! Really nothing beats a puppy's enthusiasm when its owner comes home. People should come with tails so we could read their emotions better, lol.

Anyhoo.

Welcome New Compass - how are things with you?

As for me - WS is out of combat mode and back into what can I do, etc. mode. So there is a brief respite from the drama, tho it's really just a different kind of drama.

Hope you all enjoy the weekend.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryin-
'that' is not what they all say.
Not all WS say they love their BS and do not want a divorce.

Some WS do react that way and those are the ones that are usually very remorseful and motivated to do the work to save their marriage.

However, if you read the stories in JFO, General, Reconciliation and even in the Divorce and Separation forums you will see that many WS do blame the BS and say that they are 'in luv' with the OW/OM.
Others are in a 'fog' and continue the affair secretly. Others are on the fence and not able to choose.
Others simply leave the marriage.

so there are lots of different scenarios that the BS deal with.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Njgal, I think tryn stated that is what they 'are supposed to do' not that is what 'they all do'. Fyi.

welcome new compass, I think you are the first LTA WH to stop by for as long as I remember....

****

yep pets are cool, we now have 2 bunnies over here. I'll try to post a picture of these critters...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MCJack-
I took it to mean that it's part of the typical WS script....after being caught....they say they never wanted to leave and loved their spouse.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took it as meaning that it is the 'required' statement for 'true' remorse...

after all, the dogma here is 'thou shall not connect your affair with our marriage'.

I generally concur, but I would be dishonest if I were to pretend that there weren't a LOT of sources, i.e. books/authors/experts who do make that connection....and hence why feeling safe is difficult...

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 11:08 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every marriage has it's ups and downs. We are all human beings who can have good days and bad days. Sometimes we are cranky. Sometimes life and kids get in the way and we don't support our spouses the way we should. One or both spouses may be unhappy. This
is "normal".

But the way that a spouse deals with the unhappiness they may be feeling is the key. Should I be put to blame that xWh#1 chose to drink excessively as a way of dealing with his inner unhappiness from FOO, etc? Should a spouse be put to blame that the other chooses drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc?

In those marriages where one spouse chooses an unhealthy way to deal with problems, unhappiness, depression, of course those marriages were not perfect. No marriage is.

I feel it is the same with infidelity.

One spouse CHOSE to deal with whatever problems they had either within themselves or the marriage in a very unhealthy and destructive way.

I believe there are plenty of marriages out there where the partners are acting worse to one another and neither party cheats.

We as BS's can look at the marriage, see where we could have done better in the marriage, but the CHOICE that the WS made is on the WS 100% PERIOD.

I could have not stopped xWH#1 from drinking, but I am seeing more clearly now, (thanks to our discussion, God bless our family) that I wish I was strong enough to enforce consequences to the bad behavior. It may not have stopped the drinking, but I would have had to leave before xWH actually had his A.

BUT, I do realize that the old saying on SI about the frog in the boiling water is what happened to many of us:

Put a frog in a pot of boiling water, and it will immediately jump out.
Put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly bring it to a boil, the frog will not jump out and slowly will die.

We slowly get used to situations and behaviors that we normally wouldn't until it becomes the "norm".

It is good to look back and analyze what happened and our part in it. It is good for our own growth and healing. To help us incorporate the trauma in our lives, to understand. But the CHOICE to have the A is 100% on the WS.

Someone on another thread said wisely that the choice now for the BS is not so much of the past,but what is going on NOW and what the FUTURE would be.

How is the WS acting NOW, how do you think the future will be with him/her?

It's back to the old M is dead and you are going to embark on a new M.

I want to thank our family here on LTA for the brilliant discussion we have had the past few days. It has been very helpful to me to dig further into myself and work more on my healing an d boundaries. It has been an incentive to work on ME and focus on making ME a better person for myself and not in a codependent way to get WH to want me and love me.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hadn't read the frog metaphor before - that is a good one.

It has been an incentive to work on ME and focus on making ME a better person for myself and not in a codependent way to get WH to want me and love me.

^^^ good for your honest. That really is SO true. What I am always amazed by is how easy it is said yet so hard to do...it is an every day battle...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been Jack, a very hard battle. Thank you

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
A new puppy in the house does bring a lot of happiness! Enjoy!

MCJack- Not sure what you mean about the dogma? Here on LTA? on SI?
and are you referring to the statements that the affair has little to do with the BS but more to do with a brokenness in the WS? and that even a WS in a 'good marriage' could be tempted to have an affair?

From what I've read... the affair does have to do with the marriage...but, it's more how the WS perceives himself, herself, the marriage, the BS etc.

For ex. Christie Brinkley's ex may have had an affair because he perceived that his wife was too busy for him or did not respect him enough.

meanwhile...another man may perceive marriage to Christie Brinkley as being awesome! Same wife, same marriage-different perspectives.


When I first graduated I was lucky enough to find a job right away but was quite dissatisfied with the job. I complained about this and that so much that another (older and more mature) co-worker suggested that if I was so unhappy then maybe I should switch careers.

I did just that. And guess what?

It wasn't until I had more job experiences and had a point of reference that I was able to look back and say:"You know what? that job was not that bad at all. I was the one that did not appreciate it and I had unrealistic expectations etc. I was the problem"

From what I hear and read about remorseful WS-many have the same reactions about their marriages and the infidelity etc.
Looking back-they see those years differently.


Honest- You are so right. We can and should look back at what happened and try to understand it but in the end...today is what matters.
How is the FWS treating you now? What is your marriage like now? Have there been positive changes? Is this the life that I want to live from this day forward.

And..no there are no guarantees. All we can do is make the best decision we can at the time based on the information that we have.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 7:32 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sooo boys and girls..what we have learned is that :

WE LEARN FROM THE PAST
LIVE IN THE PRESENT
AND PLAN FOR THE FUTURE!!!


when we learn from the past, we put proper perspective upon it...we learn what we contributed to our relationships and we learn what we what did that contaminated our relationships....and we take ownership for our part in the relationship breakdowns if that indeed was an issue...we DO NOT take ownership in any way shape and form for the choices our so's took in our relationships....

we live in the present...not letting "life" get in the way of living....we have a tendency us humans do to let life normal issues and everyday problems take over and shade whats really important

we plan for the future...so that it may be bright and filled with love, whether that love be just learning to love ourselves and accept who we are and have become or love another...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first looked at SI, I swore I would never be a multiple DDay BS. Well welcome to DDay # Who the fuck knows. He is still talking to her. I am falling apart. The last piece of my soul is shattered. What do I do now? Where do I go? Fuck this hurts. I am puking and shaking. I would get a hotel but I can't drive. He is trying to deny it but I have proof. Hugging me and begging me to stay and have the game night we had planned. I am vibrating and can't stop crying. I hurt I hurt I hurt...


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Decimated))

I know too well what you are going through.

My WH denied, denied, denied too. It just adds another level to the mindf*ck.

In my opinion, he did you a favor.

He has not been acting in a way that , in my opinion, indicates the kind of behavior necessary to reconcile. It doesnt even look like someone trying to reconcile.

And,yet you keep trying. Trying to heal yourself & to save your marriage.

It seems to me that fate has intervened. You have been reminded that he is unchanged. He is dishonest and not to be trusted.

And, I know this hurts. ANd, despite all the crazy shit we learned about our WS - just when yhou think you cant be shocked at anything - there it is - another hit.

It takes something like this for someone like you to give up. And, I dont mean that in a derogatory way at all. I know you still love him despite all this & this hurts like Hell.

But, he is not the person you thought he was. And, he is not for you.

Like I said, Ive been there. Many times. Keep posting, we will keep reassuring you that you will be ok.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Decimated - so you see you are not alone & you will come out of this ok - I went back to an old SI Thread from Dec 2010/Jan 2011.

Here are the highlights from what I consider to have been "the last straw" causing us to separate:

(Background - WS wanted to go to a work Christmas party where OW was guaranteed to be there & left me hanging til the last hour to tell me he was going to go):


H's original text from this am was as follows:
(Blah, blah, blah, nice stuff), "I don't know y I get so mad about not going to these things, but I see that I do. I also found myself thinking like the old me and saying maybe if I do the night shift (on the day of the party) I might be able to leave early and go to the party anyway and you won't know. I don't want to do that or think that way. I don't want and will not do anything to hurt you again. I know you don't trust me but you can."
Now, I took that to mean he wasn't going to the party, but realized that I could just be delusional.
He knew I was happy about that text. A clear sign, if you ask me, that I did not know it meant he was going to the party.
Then, an hour later I get a text:
"I love you and want you to know that IF (emphasis added) I go I would not do anything to hurt you you."
Lots of love and attention initiated by him throughout the day, then, an hour ago, he says he thinks I'm avoiding discussing the party with him. When I told him I was still waiting for his decision, he told me that the above texts meant that he was going unless it would cause a huge problem between us.

A brief conversation ensued and he wanted to know what the consequences were going to be if he went. I told him I didn't know - I'm not going to divorce him, to which he replied "Well, that would be ridiculous".

YES, that would be what is ridiculous about this whole thing.

In his eyes, I should just trust him. He wants to go to the party and hang out with his friends and come home to me. He can't help it if OW is there. Simple.

I asked him if he understood why I'd be worried and he said yes, but I shouldn't be. There will be 200 people there and he will go out of his way to avoid her.

THen later, the evening of the party:

I woke up at 1am and called him. He said it was no problem avoiding OW all night and that next year I should go with him.

Then, he tells me he's at ANOTHER party nearby, but she's not there. Tells me he's leaving soon, or another drink & leaving, I don't remember. Anyhoo, at 3:45am when I was awoken again by the damn smoke alarm I called & called & finally got him on the phone. Still there - apparently he fell asleep in his car. Words were exchanged and he drove home against my advice and arrived home at 4:30am.

Approximately 2 weeks later:


OMFG.
IT'S OVER.

Found a picture of my H and OW at the xmas party sitting next to each other at a table, with no one else at the table on facebok.
He appears to be looking at her, she appears to be looking straight ahead. They were only in the background, so that's all I could get.

Told my H that I came across some pics and that it appears to be a photo of him and her. He denies any contact with her. I finally show it to him and he acknowledges that it's them, but denies having ever spoken to her. (Honestly, this is where I start to get off the charts crazy...) His story is that right before the photo was taken there was a bunch of people there, this was a split second in time, probably right before he walked off.
Obviously I don't believe a word of it. And, he hasn't built up enough good will with me for me to overlook this and believe such a ridiculous story. THey are seated together alone at a table for God's sake! Yet, he sticks to his story, even after I told him I'm done, laid out the parameters for when we are telling the kids, etc. I told him he's got nothing to lose, so come clean at least let me go forward with a clear conscience, that I didn't jump the gun on this. But, no. Sticking to his story.

Just wanted to show you DEcimated that your WH is not the only one who denies in the face of solid proof to the contrary.

((Decimated))

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:32 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Decimated-
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.
Please try to take care of yourself.
I needed to see a doctor to get meds to help me sleep and help with the stress and anxiety.
My heart literally ached.I shook like a leaf and could not breathe.
We're here for you.


Allgood- I remember the Xmas party story.So sad.
You really did try....he let you down...over and over again.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 7:36 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((dh))))

i am so so sorry....and i too have been there....and i was there after my decision to "d".....pfm had made a new friend....and even though i KNEW who he was....it still hurt...and this was either last fall or the fall before that...and you know why it hurt more then it should...because he is still in the house making all these promises...all these so called affirmations of love....

I KNOW that when we finally separate it will be easier...will it hurt, i am sure it will, but i don't believe it will hurt at the same level....

its time i believe, past time for you to plan for a future without him...and more then plan but act on it daily....daily choices to take you to your final destiation away from crazy...away from him and his family...


(((dh)))

we learn from the past, live in the present and plan for the future....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DHeart,

I just want to let you know how sorry I am to read your post. Tell us how you are doing today. I know all if us here are pulling for you.

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH: We are here for you. You are in great traumatic pain. Keep posting as much as possible now.

Go to a doctor if need be if you need any AD's or an anti-anxiety meds to help you get through it right now.

Another Dday, can be just as devastating as the original, because we had hope. False R, or the idea of false R to be crushed can really rock us.

Many people on SI feel that the gaslighting, False R, TT, blameshifting, etc after DDay has more devastating effects that the actual A itself.

Take deep breaths. Eat as healthy as you can. And please, please don't do what I tend to do and withdraw. Come here to your LTA family. {{{{{DH}}}

Allgood: I remember that Christmas party story. What an idiot. I'm so sorry Allgood. False R, shattered hopes. They lead us along for their own selfish purposes.

I'm also having another dday of sorts. NPD has started an EA with an ex on Facebook, probably leading to an EA or being OW(ife) #3. (NPD has been overseas with OW/OC's for over 2 months now)
Oddly enough, on one hand it is good because it's breaking my emotional obsessive thinking that OW is so much better than me (this is emotional thinking, not rational) and that he Lurrrves her sooooo much.

On the other hand, it's scary, I have to get going and do what I have to do.....I MUST detach!!!


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