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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 33
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C.. Good for you brother.. Your good will come.

Posts: 2634 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going back a little:
It was in a little box separate from the marriage.
Pre-SI days, and when we began MC, our counsellor asked Mr UKg where he put me when he was with MOW. He said “in the margin”. And when he was with me, where was MOW? “In the margin.” He also described putting MOW in the box he had especially created for her, that she didn’t belong outside the box. Other descriptions were that the affair was like picking up a book, reading a few chapters and then putting it down to get on with his real life. That being with her was like switching a powerful light bulb on and off whereas being with me was like being in sunshine.

By keeping her in this place, he was able to deal with going to work, coming home and being “normal”. And that is why he said she was an “escape” or a “diversion” or a (yuck) “delightful distraction”. It also meant he was able to continue the affair for all of that time.

He still denies he has had other affairs, but there again he is also another one who was quite shocked when he saw, in black and white, just how many times he was with her and just how many times he texted/called her. To start with, he refused to believe he had been with her that often, until I pointed out that when you’re with your gf, you don’t text her and you do phone home….. and then I got “but that was the only time” on things like staying consecutive nights, pretending he was with his golf buddies for the weekend but was with her, taking her to special places, her staying with him near his workplace, etc, etc.

I do believe that he belittled and minimised it in his own mind, to try and make it not quite so bad in his own head, to believe it wasn’t really that important in his or our life. In the same way, he erased previous indiscretions from his memory. They’re there somewhere, just not accessible. The LTA was just something that had to be managed when needed. Until he began to lose control and she upped the ante when she thought it was time for them to ride off into the sunset and being their new life.

I do think LTAers are a different breed and have a different mindset.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3326 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK.."Why is he so ANGRY?"

Well. BF was killed. FOO was unhealthy and W cheated on him.

And yet to become a man because no mentor, he does not seek.. he buried it for it to come lashing out.


Posts: 2634 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meant that in this instance, there was no need for this explosive anger. This was simply about RSEB’s DS and wrestling. I would be fearful of someone this angry for so long. There does come a time when you have to stop blaming your past for your behaviour now – however dreadful that may be. I know. I was horrified to hear what my father went through in WWII. Okay, different issues, but my God, he dealt with things no one should have to endure. And he never, ever took any of it out on my mother or us children. I don’t know how he dealt with it, maybe having so many people deal with similar things at that time meant they all “knew” without talking about it. But he had family blown up in the blitz (east London), endured bombings and being buried in shelters for a couple of days before being dug out, joining up with the RAF as a youth, going out to the Far East at 17 as a navigator and lastly, bringing home soldiers who were hanging on to life by a thread, leaving some behind to die. And a more compassionate man you couldn’t wish to meet. Everyone deserves a second chance in his book. Except the Japanese.

But my Mum never cheated on him. As far as I know. However, since my own D-day, I have wondered about him. He was very charismatic.

Sorry – t/j


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3326 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Stronger4it
♀ New Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you njgal, 7yrs and I wanta, for taking the time.

WS did compartmentalize the affair. And maybe a timeline would be helpful in integrating it or synching everything up.

RSEB, I got that sick feeling in my stomach when I read that exchange between you and your husband. It went from 0 to 60 so fast. It wasn't a fair fight.

Trynhard Good Morning. Didn't you write about love being an action or a choice? Maybe commitment is too.

I call him my boyfriend because we are not married. I don't like the term partner because it is too business like. A while back we did toy with the term 'strange bedfellow' and that seemed the most fitting. : )

Truthfully I never wanted to get married and neither did he. Living together, buying a house and having a child are all commitments enough. We were committed to one another. And then he wasn't. No ceremonial vow or piece of paper could have stopped him from having an affair.

This site is lousy with husbands and wives who thought that since they had vows their spouses would not stray. Well they did. Betrayals are not all the same. Some are worse. But if I thought that a marriage certificate would protect me from infidelity I would be lying to myself.

I need him to commit to the rules of our relationship. That's it. I don't need a 'til death do us part clause. He needs to say it to me and it doesn't have to be in front of our families. It's private.


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 43 | Registered: May 2013
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSEB-
I'm sorry but there is something about the tone of what your BH said to you that was disturbing to me.
'Disdain' is the word I would use to describe how it sounded to me.

I lashed out a lot at my FWH after d-day. I threw things at the wall, I screamed at him .
But, it's hard to describe.
I hated his actions but not him.

And,because I grew up as a child of an alcoholic BPD mother I endured a lot of verbal abuse and criticism.

And I just wouldn't have been able to handle a husband who spoke to me that way.

You say that your BH has ONLY lashed out at you in this way 50 times in the last 15 years?

well, IMHO that's 50 times too many.

I'm sorry that you have to live like this.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 2:20 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stronger4it,
Truthfully I never wanted to get married and neither did he.
I wasn’t bothered about getting married either. I just wanted us to be together. But he thought it would be a nice idea – for my parents. My older brother got m’d because they wanted to start a family. It was a small do, a dozen of us down the registry office and then to the pub. No special outfit – I think my brother bought a new pair of trousers and my SIL bought a nice dress. My sister never got m’d and that was a source of disappointment to my parents, esp as they held her partner in a low light (he ended up going to the other end of the country with a student after numerous affairs) and she had a couple of kids with him. My twin brother got engaged a couple of times and then announced he was never going to get m’d. So my H thought it would be nice for my Mum and Dad to have one white wedding in a church. I organised the wedding, he bought a house. It was done in about four months – my poor mother had fifty fits. We need more time! LOL.

We wanted to be together and if that meant he wanted my parents approval by getting m'd, I was fine with that. I was married to him in my heart already. And thought he was to me.

I mentioned this to MOW when she saw I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring. She was upset because he had lied to her!! He told her I had dragged him up the aisle; given him a date and told him to be there – or else. Or else what? She didn’t know. So I told her we never bothered getting engaged either - something else he lied about.

The wedding band didn’t really mean that much as a sign of commitment. It was my maternal grandmother’s, so it was just a nice thing to wear. After d-day it just seemed inappropriate to wear it. I was wearing a lie. So I took it off and I have only worn it on a handful of occasions since. The last time at my Mum’s funeral.

As you say, a certificate, vows and wedding band makes fuck all difference. Commitment should be just that, vows or not. Being m'd didn't stop the affair and didn't stop WH proposing to MOW several times.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3326 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stronger: Welcome to our little corner of SI. The timeline is often suggested because it can help the BS wrap their heads around a new history of the M which is different from the one they believed was going on. As for how much details, that depends on the BS. I never really got one, but I did eventually through TT get an general outline, which is really what I wanted. I did want to major details, like when it started, did they go on vacations and where, but the more info I got, lead me to ask even more questions. Every new piece of info has to processed and it takes a lot of emotional energy to do so and yes, it is going to upset you even if you are trying to be prepared for it. You need to decide how much info you need. On the bright side, if you want to call it that, your BF did give you one and was willing to do it. After all this time, perhaps you may not need or want a timeline, and may have a list of specific questions you may still want answered. From what you have described, that may be perhaps your best course of action now.

H&C: It's good to see you and hear you are progressing well.

RSEB: I'm sorry to hear how your H spoke to you. When you are both calm, you need to tell him that you are willing to discuss anything with him, BUT if he is going to speak to you like that again, you will calmly remind him that you will discuss things with him when he is calm and not yelling and will walk out of the room. You will not tolerate being spoken to like that. PERIOD. You let him know that you will treat him with respect and will expect that he treats you with respect in return.
It will be hard to consistently do this, and he may bait you, but don't fall for it.

UKgirl: I do agree with you that the LTA WS are a different breed altogether.

However, since my own D-day, I have wondered about him. He was very charismatic.

I've wondering lately too, about my grandfather for the same reason. Isn't that terrible how the LTA has made us doubt things? I always had my grandfather on a pedestal, thought he was the best man in the world, and how could I even think that? One starts to question everything.

As for me, DS 18 and DS 15 are starting to say things against their father to me lately. They are starting to really talk about their anger, which, I guess is a good thing. I want DS 15 to see a therapist, but was also considering family therapy, but they are not too keen on the idea.
I've been triggering a lot lately, but dealing with it fairly well. I recognize it as a trigger, acknowledge it and if it's happening in a place where I can't really take time to process it, I promise myself I'll journal about it later. So I feel like I'm making progress!


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest-
Please go to family counseling with your boys.
They are hurting and confused.
Your situation with the NPD is so unusual-they have nothing to compare it to.
I'm sure their heart breaks for you. And then they feel totally pushed aside for NPD's new family.
You had said one time before that your former honor student son came home with a terrible report card.
My guess it that all of this turmoil at home has been affecting both of your sons.

Set up an appt. ASAP.Teenage boys tend to bottle up all of their emotions. There is most likely a lot that they have been trying to process on their own. That's tough for a teenager to do.
They may say that they will not go but you're the mom.
If they were in physical pain you would take them to a doctor immediately regardless of what they said.
Its the same here.
The whole crazy situation with NPD has to be extremely painful for the boys.

Try to find a family therapist that has worked with adolescents.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl-

I just want to send you a long distance hug.

Even though we have been on the LTA forum together for quite a long time -its only recently through your posts that I have begun to truly understand the extent of your WH's betrayal.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal: Thank you. I'm trying to decide if individual therapy would be better or family therapy. Pros and cons to both. DS18 may open up in IC, but DS 15 may be very quiet in IC and not open up. Either way, I have to find one this week.

Thank you NJgal for everything. You have always been there for all of us offering advice and support to everyone. God bless you.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stronger4it…

Your post are packed with key questions..

I would consider you relationship perhaps a Common law Marriage. True, it is possible two people have it within themselves to make commitments and have the inner strength not to break them… without a formal document as you say.. I gave my thoughts and direction to protect you.

I will say this.. A marriage is a more formal commitment. It is because you are telling the world. Private means you hide.

A quality man has no issues telling the world. He does not fear this type commitment. In fact, this man and takes comfort in that kind of vow. No unanswered questions so to speak. You have a BF or GF in the normal world as a “test”.. To determine if a man or woman can pass it… enough they are worthy of you. That question is answered and brings security.

So in a way.. Now is the test. His he worthy of you? Does he want you enough to really make the leap of faith? Marriage. Now that is proof.

But you have fears too over M. Why?

A mere waste of time because no man can live his life in fidelity.. So no reason to make it public.
No, deep in my heart I want to have the ability to upgrade… should the right attraction come around.


If you have told him, I don’t want to get M… then he will think that. You will never get asked to make that kind of commitment.. which essentially is.. The ring is heavier.


And marriage.. it is designed to protect both men and women.. With a promise, a formal promise, a firm commitment. That formality does give some people strength… to be most open and say because they don't want to break a vow, Hey W, I am bored with sex... or, I don’t like the way you treat me. I can give strength in some people to NEVER eat the apple. That was me. My M gave me that strength. Some men are like me.

True, some will break the vow of fidelity… but one reason some cheats will cheat is because they are not formally married. Deep in their mind no ring is heavy. Marriage is the real line to cross. Eliminate that reason.

Now you can think.. No, the ring is not heavier.. You and I can have a different opinion… different values. But I use history going back to the beginning of time. There are reasons these men place this rule in society. You use modern… recent values.. I know Sex and love are way too powerful emotions.. and our modern society flaunts it.. Sex sells.. that attraction is too powerful. A battle in every man is to be attracted to that.. A very minor temptation will lead many, most men to eat the apple… It does take a special man. We all like to believe we happened to pick that special person.. but we are not in that person’s head.

To another question.. Knowing all the history of something you were not involved.. Yes, it hurts. It triggers. I know with each trigger of hurt.. they fade as your mind goes over and over them.. You kinda become immune. You develop a way to cope, to accept that pain. Today, I can say.. My wife had a BF for 9 years during our M. She was far from loving me then. We all know what BF do… It happens to people in life. She does not have a BF today. Today, it is far different.


I am pretty sure if you know love in all the right ways.. Like the commitment of M being a foundation.. In the future, you will know when your spouse is not loving you. NEVER ACCEPT that.. I didn't like many bad behaviors she did when she had her BF. I let many go without conflict and challenge. See, I don’t think it is possible to Love two people completely.. the key word.. Completely. You can love two at once.. but completely in every way? NOPE.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:35 AM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2634 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
I went through a lot of family and individual therapy when my teenage DD was having issues.

I would say first find someone that does family therapy (they all do individual therapy too).
This way you can all go together and you can give the therapist an idea of what you are all dealing with.

Then the family therapist usually does see each of the family members one on one at the beginning to get a feel for each of the family members.

After those sessions the therapist will probably recommend how he (or she) feels that you should proceed.

The one thing I would suggest is that it might be easier for the boys to open up to a male therapist.

But, what you want is someone that has experience dealing with adolescents, divorce, etc.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,
I agree about the counselling. At least the boys will be able to talk openly about how they are feeling and not feel they are being judged or misunderstood. That what they have to say is valid. I can’t help feeling they are hurting for you as much as for themselves. And that their own situation is being dictated to by NPD over which they have no control. So talking would be good. And then they can distance themselves a little, see the situation as a whole and know that they DO have a choice and they DO have some control. Perhaps you could go for family counselling but allow the boys to go to some sessions without you?

A quality man has no issues telling the world. He does not fear this type commitment. In fact, this man and takes comfort in that kind of vow. No unanswered questions so to speak. You have a BF or GF in the normal world as a “test”.. To determine if a man or woman can pass it… enough they are worthy of you. That question is answered and brings security.

I have struggled and struggled with this one. As some of you may remember, one of the things fWH was unable to do was promise me emotional security. I gave him a list of questions a few months after d-day and when he finally answered them, the reply to “what is to stop you doing this again?” he wrote “nothing is certain – as in absolute.” Another time I asked him if it’s possible to love one person for all of your life and his reply to that one was we don’t know who we are going to meet around the next corner. And that coming from some one who reckons his 5yr affair was a “mistake” and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Contradictory.

Before MOW found out that I hadn’t dragged him up the aisle, and saying how I wasn’t wearing a ring, I mentioned that Mr UKg had never worn a ring and she commented that he had said he would for her. That was the first mention of Mr UKg proposing (in a roundabout way) to her. And he proposed several times in several different ways and the last time was when he said he was trying to find a way out of the affair.

He never got the fact that he NEEDED to make a commitment to me. Because he hasn’t (and now it’s too late anyhow) I find that instead of wanting to be closer, it’s safer for me to stand apart. I have put up walls so high that he has no chance of getting in. He has never heeded or taken advice about how to repair some of the damage. He thinks that just being around is enough. It’s not. I’m not staying with someone who thinks (or gives the appearance of thinking) that I don’t matter enough to him and that someone better than me may come along some day. I told him what I needed years ago and he didn’t want to know. I find it astonishing that he could trip the words off his tongue to MOW but not to me. Conclusion: he should have married her but lacked the courage to go. And I will not be second choice for a spineless wanker.

But I do think it is very necessary for the WS to fully commit in order for the reconciliation to be successful. And, if it helps the BS, to do it formally. If Stronger4it wants that, her H should do it willingly and easily, without a second thought.

‘K, Gotta go. Hugs tribe. Thanks for putting up with my mini rants!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3326 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey RESB,

I just wanted to give you a dissenting/alternative opinion to the support you have gotten...since no one liked his 'tone'... (made me chuckle)...

I get that your husband went from zero to angry in no time flat. But one thing I have noticed is that male anger, and the attendant loud voice, gets a lot of attention, e.g. accusations of 'emotional abuse'... whereas when women act in just as malicious ways, like passive aggressive and other snarky behavior, we should all should whistle past the graveyard. In fact, if a man reacts loudly to something snarky, then it's the man's reaction that gets all the focus, not the original mal-intent. Double standard. (SisterMilkshake is looking at me out of the corner of her eyes I can imagine.)

I say this because I wonder if you have reflected enough on what you said and how and how YOU contributed.

Dysfunctional relationships are mired in patterns of bad communications behavior. Poor action begets poor reaction which begets poor reaction etc. like an infinity loop that ultimately self-destructs.

You had 2 chances to break the loop of dysfunctional interaction...and in my mind you are just as culpable for the bad result.

First, as I mentioned above, you could have responded to his initial inquiry with "I don't know - I will have to think about it" or a clarifying question like, "what do you mean by supporting you"? Why by default is the glaring stare not as bad as the yell?

Second, the ballet comment. You did not acknowledge your husband's question and just responded with an attack of your own. You just need to admit it.

Yep you can't control your H. But you can control how you interact - how you react. I know it is difficult because so many things are ingrained from years of bad habits...and negative emotions.

2 cents for ya-

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 4:33 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 787 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rseb: i actually can understand your husbands mini rant....why...because i go off on pfm more often then i would like...and i have said much much worse to pfm......and i now use sailors language almost all the time........now granted i am not reconciling....but from pfms perspective he would and could say everything that you have...pfm 's perspective is that HE DID do everything a remorseful ws is supposed to do....that is not my perspective because i still remember that he is a liar, a comsummate liar....as are most lta ws's to be able to carry on their affairs for as long as they had...

and i could be wrong...but i don't think he was really asking or talking or demanding anything about wrestling....i get the sense that the question he gave you about being supportive has everything to do with his struggle with you....and the fact that you hesitated might have ben was set him up and off...

and tribe...so many condemned this man for his words....words we have all been guilty of at one time or another...cept for you tryn....you only had those words in the beginning after d-day....i m thinkin those were more then just words....and we all have bad days when we trigger, don't we....i am not saying that he was right.....just that we should be a bit more understanding...cause im thinkin that if he were here posting that same exchange with his perspective rseb would have been condemned as well for not answering....just sayin....there are 2 sides to this.....


and for most of us...we are changed people....we all have pivotal moments, experiences in our lives....a moment, an action, an experience is something that writes on who we are....something that changes us forever....and for most of us this whole lta shit is one of those pivotal experieces....i am still me....but a different me...and it took me a long time to become me again, because the shellshock took so long to wear off....and i moved through life not really living but merely surviving...and because of it i was not the mother i should and could have been for the last almost 5 years now....i am changed because of this experience and so are my kids...


and tryn.....as for stronger.....whatever her reasons were and are for not marrying simply do not matter...because as all of us could testify...a wedding ring means nothing as far as a commitment is concerned....the commitment is what one makes in the heart....and its one that one makes by actions....and betrayal is betrayal....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry but I disagree about RSEB's BH.
There is anger and lashing out and then there's disdain and disrespect.
The hair trigger reaction....seemed like he was waiting for an excuse to pounce.
And then the repeated:"Shut your f...ing mouth."
That is really fighting dirty.

I was angry with Mr.NJ but it was a different kind of anger.
Hard for me to describe.
Maybe I'm wrong and MCJack and Iwam are right and his anger is just typical BS anger.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal: i don't think there is "typical" anger....people express their anger in different ways....and i am one of those bs's that i express my anger alot like mr rseb....mr rseb is in his marriage but i don't believe he has chosen to me married and is rather just not divorcing...

we all handle the hurt and anger in different ways....we are all very human....

and again we have only rsebs perspective....we do not have his perspective....and i don't believe his reaction was hair trigger....i believe her non response produced his immediate angry response...

and telling someone to shut their fucking mouth may be a bit vulgur but he didn't take it to an extreme place...and having been verbally and emotionally abused....i know that place....and frankly...i am now that person hurling hurtful shit at pfm when given an opportunity....the words i have shot at the man would probably curl your hair...

yup i got and remained that angry for quite some time....i have goten much better and once we are finally separated and no longer sharing a house i know i wil be able to let go of the rest of it...but i am not there yet...

i agree that mr rseb is responsible for his own healing...but imo for their marriage to work out in the end she has to help him through some of it...he has to know that she gets, she gets what shes done...i also think he needs to address his own cheating behavior....because there is a real possiblity that she may never have cheated if he didnt cheat then....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FYI my comments were not in relation to qualifying RSEB's husbands anger.

I was only pointing out that RSEB had a shared responsibility for the entire interaction and thus the negative outcome.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 787 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant..

whatever her reasons were and are for not marrying simply do not matter...because as all of us could testify...a wedding ring means nothing as far as a commitment is concerned....the commitment is what one makes in the heart....and its one that one makes by actions....


I know Iwant what you said was true.. in as from it comes from the heart. The mask come off in time. What I am saying is Strong think twice about allowing her man to move back home.

If he has it “in his heart” to really now WANT strong and the relationship.. He changed his belief now saying..
- I want you to be only mine
- I want to prove it to you with the ultimate connection.. the heavy one.
- I want us to be M because I want us to two to become one
- M is what we need to make a closer connection
- These kinds of things…

She is in a mode no different with us though.. married or not. She now knows who her Man is… Has he changed? She kicked him out.. Did he go to AA like NjGal’s H? I think he did do some work? Her dillimma is no different than us. Did her M learn something and wants to change? A hard question for us to answer. Only Strong can really know. But I know this… A good man does not fear M.

If Strong decided to move on.. Let say she found this kind of man next…


A man who values M.. the heavy connection. Once M, this man will never cheat. He also puts that much value in the ring.. He does not move in to cohabitate, get easy sex.. he tells her.. I move in only when WE decided to marry, make that kind of commitment. That is when we can move to a far more closer relationship.. I am test driving you now. Then, day in day out gives her words of affirmation, takes her to new and different places, is very romantic.. When fights happen.. he resolves it in a good way.. when he makes a mistake.. he acknowledges it and tries hard to never do it again.. He never accepts strong bad behavior, he gives her gifts.. expecting nothing in return, he is a giver.. not expecting anything from anyone..but gets it because he is that attractive.. a hard worker.. He pays close attention Strong.. Then one day this good man pops the question, “Will you marry me?” She says no.. Next thing she know, she lost a good man because all GOOD MEN get married. Scared men do not.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:30 AM, October 28th (Monday)]


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