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User Topic: The case of the reappearing Viagra
Aurora773
♀ New Member
Member # 35394
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been around in awhile. I haven't left WH, haven't forgiven him and I haven't regained much trust back, even after 2 years. That's a lot of have nots... But I continue living day to day and IC has helped me a lot. I'm in a much better place today than I was when I first joined in 4/12.

My issue: WH is an accomplished liar and gaslighter. He's very good at convincing me I'm paranoid, overreacting, or just plain wrong. So my normal meter is completely off. I need objective opinions. Badly.

A couple of months ago WH changed jobs and packed up his entire office to move. Soon after, I found 3 Viagra tablets in his briefcase. I had found Viagra before, when he was actively involved with several AP's. WH's story has always been that he needed it with other women because of the extreme guilt he felt when cheating on me. He did not need these pills with me. According to him, the pills in his briefcase were very old and he discovered them when packing up his office. We decided that he should flush them, being as he doesn't need them with me, they likely expired and also seeing them is a HUGE trigger for me. He claimed he flushed them at work and there weren't any more. End of story, right? Yeah, right....

2 weeks ago I found 1 tablet, broken in half in the change compartment of his car. I'm guessing a half tablet can be 1 dose. Since then, I also found another tablet and a half in his shaving bag which he takes on business trips. The ones in his car are still there but the others are slowly disappearing. And they have gone missing on days we haven't had sex, meaning they likely aren't for me...

So... This is huge, right? He lied to me about these pills and is probably cheating again. I would be an idiot not to jump to this conclusion. But part of me wants to think it might be innocent... Thoughts?


Me (BS): 42
WH: 40
3 young kids
Ddays: Way too many to list

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2012
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I'm sorry, but this is huge.

WH also got a script for V for their big day planned 3 days after I caught him, so it never went down, although he had done plenty prior to so it didn't matter. I found the pills and flushed them all. I have since been able to track if he's gotten any further scripts (he hasn't) on our insurance website. Do you have access to something like that? Can you scour bank account or credit card info for pharmacy transactions?

Regardless, seems you have proof enough. The pills in the business travel bag that are slowly disappearing seems enough for me. I'm so sorry.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sounds exactly like my X.

Up to keeping them in the car, his suitcase (X was a road warrior - 80%+ travel), the whole kahuna.

Think this through, the only logical place for them if he isn't using them without you is the medicine chest.

End of story.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21009 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another poster suggested checking with your pharmacy to see what he is getting, and when filled. Good idea.

And this pisses me off that a wayward can get their hands on Viagra so easily. It fuels the affair.

Check pharmacy....


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jul 2012
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aurora, unfortunately I'm sure it's exactly as you suspect. It's not like Viagra is a pill with multiple uses. If pills are dwindling, they're being used.

For someone with your WH's track record, the odds that it isn't yet another OW are crazy small.

I'm so sorry. You've spent two years trying to make it work and it looks like ONLY you. Time to make some hard choices, it also looks - choices he is giving you no real option to back out of.

You know what you need for long term happiness. You know better than anyone if this situation has any chance of giving that to you. You deserve happiness.

[This message edited by Reality at 12:51 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2013
Drowninginitall
♀ Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. This is huge to me. You've gotten some good advice already. I would already have my answer if I found that.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Oct 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so it seems we all agree that it isn't for you and what it means.

Now the question is do you need proof? If so how to get it? You can of course contact the Pharmacy, his Dr (he most likely has you on the HIPAA form) you can ask for a list of his current prescriptions for insurance purposes. However if he is covering his tracks he may not be getting this filled at the normal pharmacy, or through insurance. Hell he could even be getting samples from his Dr.

You have spent the past 2 years getting strong for you. It certainly sounds like you are living in limbo land, and he has changed nothing, and not addressed his issues.

So the real question is how much more are you going to tolerate? It's not ok for your spouse to lie to you, and it is certainly unacceptable for him to make you question your own sanity. That is abuse.

Go see lawyer, if you haven't yet, find out how all this could play out should you get your proof and decide enough is enough.

((((and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6565 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Aurora773
♀ New Member
Member # 35394
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone. I'm in serious need of some straight talk and I knew I could get it here.

I'm fairly certain I won't be able to get any proof. My investigative skills are top notch (I've lived this way since 2002), but he's very good and doesn't make many mistakes. He did have a script for it 2 years ago but now he doesn't. However, he has bought it online in the past (to the tune of about $600 for each refill). He could use his corporate card to pay and have them sent to his office. If there's a way to get it with no trail, he's figured it out. I doubt I'll get anywhere going the dr./pharmacy route.

I've been biding my time waiting to see if more turn up. Then I'll know definitively that what he has now aren't the original 3 I found in July that he swore he flushed. That said, the fact that I found any at all means he's a big fat liar.


Me (BS): 42
WH: 40
3 young kids
Ddays: Way too many to list

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2012
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Aurora773)))

This sucks. Go see a lawyer so you have an idea of what you are looking at if you leave. While you're doing that, picture the peace you will have in your life from being able to quit 11+ years of investigating him and worrying about what he is up to.

I am so sorry.


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 328 | Registered: Aug 2013
Snapdragon
♀ Member
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That said, the fact that I found any at all means he's a big fat liar.

^^^^This

Aurora, when you find them, why don't you just take them and flush them? Let him ask you where they are. Let him turn himself inside out trying to find them. Let him think he is crazy - "I KNOW I put them in this bag!"


Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink


Posts: 3055 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aurora, I know you want to grasp to the thought that these are 'old' and new ones will somehow be proof of cheating while the old ones aren't, but I think that would be over-optimistic to even begin to try to believe that.

Do you carry your diaphram in the car? Or your birth control pills in your overnight bag?

My fiancee uses viagara due to circulatory problems and ALL his pills are in the prescription bottle in the cabinet. They're not broken into doeses in his shaving bag (he does travel occasionally for work), they're not in his tool box, and they're not in the glove compartment of his car.

I think you need to call a spade a spade.

I'm really sorry to hear you've had to live like this since 2002. I really hope the time is coming where you decide you're better than this.

Also, I really don't believe that he 'couldn't' perform and had to use viagra in the past. This man is a seasoned cheater and it's pretty clear he takes every opportunity he can get, so I doubt 'guilt' is the reason he takes this stuff. It's more likely he takes it so he looks like a virile stud-muffin to women with a never-ending, hard as steel erection. I think THAT'S why he likes using it.

Over the years I've read various message boards and have seen men discussing this very thing - that they take viagra recreationally so they 'perform' at the top of their game and look like big studs.

And yes, I wouldn't doubt your husband bought them online.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:50 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him.

Posts: 954 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to call a spade a spade.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he's very good and doesn't make many mistakes.

It seems like he made a couple of big mistakes with the Viagra, leaving them in such obvious places.

Have you considered putting a VAR in his car? This is crazy making stuff you're having to deal with.

There's always the option of asking him to take a lie detector test. "Honey, this is what I found. No matter what you say, it raises huge suspicions for me, based on your past history. The only way I will be satisfied that there is an explanation other than the obvious one, is for you to take a lie detector test. Can we schedule one for next week?"

Sorry you having to deal with this.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess at the end of the day, where are you with this? If you find more proof are you ready to D? Or do you want to R? If you aren't sure what kind of stuff would happen to tip the scales one way or another?

What do you want? Where are your boundaries? What needs to happen to keep you safe(std's)?

The cheating and proof are secondary beyond this.

Man, I wish that those viagra pills came with a complimentary cast iron frying pan so you could clock him a good one. I seriously don't get why people do this.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
Aurora773
♀ New Member
Member # 35394
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point I'm tired of the lies. I don't care what the Viagra is for (although it's obvious); the fact that he has it at all is a huge betrayal. I've made it clear that I won't tolerate lies of any sort, 10+ years of infidelities with 11 OW (that I know about) - I deserve to be told the truth about everything. I guess he's just not capable. Not that I should be surprised. Feeling stupid...


Me (BS): 42
WH: 40
3 young kids
Ddays: Way too many to list

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2012
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...if only it were as simple as a frying pan to the head. You have a serial cheating, untrustworthy husband on your hands. I can't even imagine multiple As. You've endured a lot.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

10 years and 11OW? Why have you even stayed? I don't mean to sound glib, but that fact alone (without even considering what he is up to now...again) is more than enough to walk. What is so great about this man that makes you want to stay through all of this shit? I feel sorry for you. These are deplorable living conditions. Listen, everyone deserves a second chance. Maybe even a third chance. What you are putting up with is beyond fixing. This is a man who will never change. And even if he does---10 years and 11OW--how do you ever have a healthy relationship after that? You don't need any more proof in this lafest Viagra situation. You've had all the proof you need all along. He's still the same man and that's all you should need. As the other poster said, you know, but what will that push you to do? Again I am so sorry you have been subjected to such treatment.

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jul 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said you need some straight talk. With much compassion, here goes..

Your H is cheating.
Your H is gas lighting you.
You are gas lighting yourself.
You deserve better.

I think the biggest thing IC has done for me is teach me to trust myself and my instincts. With all of my STBX's gas lighting, I was questioning my own brain. Don't let your H do that to you anymore. Trust yourself.

It isn't a question of if he is cheating anymore. The question is whether or not you are going to continue putting up with it. I don't think you need anymore proof. I think you need confidence and counseling to figure out why you allow him to treat you this way..

You are currently in what I like to call a mindfuck. The only way out for me was to separate and ignore him. I would suggest you do the same..

Hugs..


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1369 | Registered: Feb 2013
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm with butterfly girl - I think you're done. Put your energy towards finding a great lawyer and taking him to the cleaners. The viagra only matters if you're in an 'at fault' divorce state where his cheating allows you to nail him harder.

Look after you, meet your needs. Huge hugs.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's my fondest dream that someone anyone invents a a laxative that looks exaclty like a viagra pill. I am sorry Aurora it looks bad from here. (((((((Auror773))))))

[This message edited by selkiescot at 1:38 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1354 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
Topic Posts: 22
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