My issue: WH is an accomplished liar and gaslighter. He's very good at convincing me I'm paranoid, overreacting, or just plain wrong. So my normal meter is completely off. I need objective opinions. Badly.
A couple of months ago WH changed jobs and packed up his entire office to move. Soon after, I found 3 Viagra tablets in his briefcase. I had found Viagra before, when he was actively involved with several AP's. WH's story has always been that he needed it with other women because of the extreme guilt he felt when cheating on me. He did not need these pills with me. According to him, the pills in his briefcase were very old and he discovered them when packing up his office. We decided that he should flush them, being as he doesn't need them with me, they likely expired and also seeing them is a HUGE trigger for me. He claimed he flushed them at work and there weren't any more. End of story, right? Yeah, right....
2 weeks ago I found 1 tablet, broken in half in the change compartment of his car. I'm guessing a half tablet can be 1 dose. Since then, I also found another tablet and a half in his shaving bag which he takes on business trips. The ones in his car are still there but the others are slowly disappearing. And they have gone missing on days we haven't had sex, meaning they likely aren't for me...
So... This is huge, right? He lied to me about these pills and is probably cheating again. I would be an idiot not to jump to this conclusion. But part of me wants to think it might be innocent... Thoughts?
WH also got a script for V for their big day planned 3 days after I caught him, so it never went down, although he had done plenty prior to so it didn't matter. I found the pills and flushed them all. I have since been able to track if he's gotten any further scripts (he hasn't) on our insurance website. Do you have access to something like that? Can you scour bank account or credit card info for pharmacy transactions?
Regardless, seems you have proof enough. The pills in the business travel bag that are slowly disappearing seems enough for me. I'm so sorry.
Up to keeping them in the car, his suitcase (X was a road warrior - 80%+ travel), the whole kahuna.
Think this through, the only logical place for them if he isn't using them without you is the medicine chest.
End of story.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 30 - Yikes!
And this pisses me off that a wayward can get their hands on Viagra so easily. It fuels the affair.
For someone with your WH's track record, the odds that it isn't yet another OW are crazy small.
I'm so sorry. You've spent two years trying to make it work and it looks like ONLY you. Time to make some hard choices, it also looks - choices he is giving you no real option to back out of.
You know what you need for long term happiness. You know better than anyone if this situation has any chance of giving that to you. You deserve happiness.
[This message edited by Reality at 12:51 PM, October 18th (Friday)]
Now the question is do you need proof? If so how to get it? You can of course contact the Pharmacy, his Dr (he most likely has you on the HIPAA form) you can ask for a list of his current prescriptions for insurance purposes. However if he is covering his tracks he may not be getting this filled at the normal pharmacy, or through insurance. Hell he could even be getting samples from his Dr.
You have spent the past 2 years getting strong for you. It certainly sounds like you are living in limbo land, and he has changed nothing, and not addressed his issues.
So the real question is how much more are you going to tolerate? It's not ok for your spouse to lie to you, and it is certainly unacceptable for him to make you question your own sanity. That is abuse.
Go see lawyer, if you haven't yet, find out how all this could play out should you get your proof and decide enough is enough.
I'm fairly certain I won't be able to get any proof. My investigative skills are top notch (I've lived this way since 2002), but he's very good and doesn't make many mistakes. He did have a script for it 2 years ago but now he doesn't. However, he has bought it online in the past (to the tune of about $600 for each refill). He could use his corporate card to pay and have them sent to his office. If there's a way to get it with no trail, he's figured it out. I doubt I'll get anywhere going the dr./pharmacy route.
I've been biding my time waiting to see if more turn up. Then I'll know definitively that what he has now aren't the original 3 I found in July that he swore he flushed. That said, the fact that I found any at all means he's a big fat liar.
This sucks. Go see a lawyer so you have an idea of what you are looking at if you leave. While you're doing that, picture the peace you will have in your life from being able to quit 11+ years of investigating him and worrying about what he is up to.
I am so sorry.
That said, the fact that I found any at all means he's a big fat liar.
Aurora, when you find them, why don't you just take them and flush them? Let him ask you where they are. Let him turn himself inside out trying to find them. Let him think he is crazy - "I KNOW I put them in this bag!"
"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink
Do you carry your diaphram in the car? Or your birth control pills in your overnight bag?
My fiancee uses viagara due to circulatory problems and ALL his pills are in the prescription bottle in the cabinet. They're not broken into doeses in his shaving bag (he does travel occasionally for work), they're not in his tool box, and they're not in the glove compartment of his car.
I think you need to call a spade a spade.
I'm really sorry to hear you've had to live like this since 2002. I really hope the time is coming where you decide you're better than this.
Also, I really don't believe that he 'couldn't' perform and had to use viagra in the past. This man is a seasoned cheater and it's pretty clear he takes every opportunity he can get, so I doubt 'guilt' is the reason he takes this stuff. It's more likely he takes it so he looks like a virile stud-muffin to women with a never-ending, hard as steel erection. I think THAT'S why he likes using it.
Over the years I've read various message boards and have seen men discussing this very thing - that they take viagra recreationally so they 'perform' at the top of their game and look like big studs.
And yes, I wouldn't doubt your husband bought them online.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:50 PM, October 18th (Friday)]
I think you need to call a spade a spade.
he's very good and doesn't make many mistakes.
It seems like he made a couple of big mistakes with the Viagra, leaving them in such obvious places.
Have you considered putting a VAR in his car? This is crazy making stuff you're having to deal with.
There's always the option of asking him to take a lie detector test. "Honey, this is what I found. No matter what you say, it raises huge suspicions for me, based on your past history. The only way I will be satisfied that there is an explanation other than the obvious one, is for you to take a lie detector test. Can we schedule one for next week?"
Sorry you having to deal with this.
What do you want? Where are your boundaries? What needs to happen to keep you safe(std's)?
The cheating and proof are secondary beyond this.
Man, I wish that those viagra pills came with a complimentary cast iron frying pan so you could clock him a good one. I seriously don't get why people do this.
Your H is cheating.
Your H is gas lighting you.
You are gas lighting yourself.
You deserve better.
I think the biggest thing IC has done for me is teach me to trust myself and my instincts. With all of my STBX's gas lighting, I was questioning my own brain. Don't let your H do that to you anymore. Trust yourself.
It isn't a question of if he is cheating anymore. The question is whether or not you are going to continue putting up with it. I don't think you need anymore proof. I think you need confidence and counseling to figure out why you allow him to treat you this way..
You are currently in what I like to call a mindfuck. The only way out for me was to separate and ignore him. I would suggest you do the same..
Look after you, meet your needs. Huge hugs.
[This message edited by selkiescot at 1:38 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]