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User Topic: What would you have traded to not be a BS?
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I really got to choose, I would rather have curable cancer and the process of my H going through it with me would cause him to look deep inside, face his issues and become the man he is now.

Not to at all minimize anyone going through cancer treatment, but I think I would prefer it. It would be something we fought together, and then we would come out stronger.

But I didn't get to choose. None of us had a fucking choice in being betrayed. But we can try to make the best of it, and, if we are lucky, come out stronger.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You would think that is what would happen, catlover50. And, it should. However, had that exact scenario. Although I wasn't diagnosed terminal, the doctors aren't going to guarantee that it is curable. FWH shared my diagnoses with his co-workers and employees.

That is when OW saw its opportunity to start making moves on my FWH. Its long term plan to step into my shoes and take over my life. My husband, our children, our money, our toys, our vacation home. Yep, it thought it would step right in and take over my life. Went home and told its first ex-husband that MisterSister needed it to be his friend. Poor MisterSister with a 1 year old and a wife with cancer. Fucking bitch!

My getting cancer, FWH's father dying a month before my cancer diagnosis (who was the cause of so much FOO issues in FWH) put him in a very vulnerable place, combined with self esteem issues, poor boundaries, selfishness, poor coping skills, and then a predatory OW manipulating him. Yeah, that trade just wasn't (and didn't) work for me.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...An arm, leg and a left testicle.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 695 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Stronger4it
♀ Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We embarked on a fairly big renovation when he began his affair. Turning two apartments into one. And giving me my dream kitchen. I do love my stove.

But everything is tainted now. He was falling in love with someone else while I picked out paint colours. We were building a house, and he was destroying a home. So when it first happened I would have gladly traded my new house to have my sanity/life/family back.

So now, one year in, and I'm still living a life. Have regained my sanity. And although my family has shrunk by 33%, I still have one. And then there's that stove.

Can I trade WS's left nut?

[This message edited by Stronger4it at 9:24 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an interesting question. My first thought was 'anything'. But I wouldn't have the caring, attentive husband I have now - instead I would have the miserable, negative husband I had before. I wouldn't be made to feel special every day, instead I would still feel like something was wrong and no matter how I tried, he wouldn't be happy. But, I wouldn't have the broken self esteem I have now. I wouldn't have the constant thinking about something negative. I certainly wouldn't have a counselor that said "you have issues". So, all in all, I think I'd give just about anything to have had him just leave. I'd rather have been sad and divorcing than have dealt with the pain of the last 2+ years.

If you had asked "what would you trade for your current spouse?" that's easy. Absolutely nothing.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I really got to choose, I would rather have curable cancer and the process of my H going through it with me would cause him to look deep inside, face his issues and become the man he is now.

There's a poster in the ICR Betrayed Men thread who stood by his wife through 9 years of cancer treatments. She cheated on him and said he wasn't there for her.

I wouldn't trade anything because I don't know what the repercussions would be. I am uncomfortable with anything that comes consequence free.

I mean the affair sucked. I wish it never happened and that things had gone differently. I think it was the most horrible period of time in my life. I used that time, eventually, to do things with my life I don't want to give up. Since infidelity is about the cheater, I think giving up that time would mean we as the BS would still be paying for it.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7451 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
heme
♀ Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing.. One thing Ive learned a while ago is that no matter what shitpie life hands you what matters most is how you respond to it. You can allow yourself to grow because of the shit or you can allow it to overwhelm you..

One thing I know is Im a good person. I don't need another person to tell me that or show me that. If my WH isn't willing to see how lucky he is to have me then its over. Luckily he seems to be snapping out of his stupidity. We shall see in the coming months/years how it all works out but one thing I do know if I can make myself better no matter what happens with the relationship.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't trade anything because I don't know what the repercussions would be. I am uncomfortable with anything that comes consequence free.
I get that. When I read the newest left testicle donor's response, I wondered if I wouldn't give my left breast! Then I realized H might have had an A anyway, based on my missing a breast.

It is useless trying to make imaginary deals that might have changed the past.

The present is what we have. We know how we got here, and all we can do is try to make the very best of it. Actually, besides my own pain, our M is much better now. No deals were made, I just made the choice to R, H is doing some work on himself, and even a little has helped. Now he just has the life-long assignment to keep his eyes and his heart on God first, then on me, and to keep his hands off himself when he is alone. I don't think that is too much to ask.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to have gone through that devastating pain, all the time that I was curled up in a ball on the floor, just sobbing, I would have given anything. Not to go through the pain of deception and feeling completely worthless, that he just tossed me aside and kicked me off the curb, anything.

Today, I would not trade in anything to have the moments of peace and self love that I feel now. I am only accountable to myself now, can spend my time the way that I want. There are no lies in my life now, no one cheating on me. No one that is texting his mistress while he was lying in bed with me. I deserve so much more. He never deserved me. He was lucky to have a woman like me that loved him. I see that now.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well that just bites, Sister! Course, that's not the imaginary scenario I would have chosen, but I can see how that could work the opposite way.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY LOTR sword. My sister gave me a beautiful hand made sword like Aragorn's Flame of the West. It's on of my prized possesions. It's on my mantle in my bedroom.


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have given the last eight years of my marriage and divorced him when I really wanted to then. But, I stayed for the sake of the kids. Thought my consolation prize would be to grow old and raised my family knowing I gave it my all. Now, the kids are much older and my H has betrayed me and starting over at this age would be much harder. It still could happen though.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Him

Eta: I say him because lately the past has been replaying itself. Including pre-A. Too much pain. The only good thing I got was my kids.

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 3:26 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8304 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 53
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