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User Topic: What would you have traded to not be a BS?
Drowninginitall
♀ Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope to someday feel like what karmahappens posted.
Right now I would give up everything but my kids :(

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2013
Drowninginitall
♀ Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope to someday feel like what karmahappens posted.
Right now I would give up everything but my kids :(

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2013
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything except my kids. I'd live in a cardboard box in the woods to not have this constant, searing pain.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, I feel like everything happens for a reason. The A brought a lot to light for H and me. My H is 10x the husband he was -- so, would I have to put the genie back in the jar?

Do I like the pain? Hell no. Do I like that there is a stupid, immature pipsqueak of a woman running around with intimate knowledge of my H? Fuck no. But, she only knows the broken and worst parts of him -- not the best parts of him. And not the parts he and I are discovering after dday.

She couldn't hold up to our marriage even before dday, and she knew it. I try to remember that.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1955 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning I would have given anything, now I would give nothing. It showed me a side of my WH#2 that I did not know existed. Now I have taken off the rose-colored glasses that I had on and crushed them. I now know him for who he REALLY is.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would give up nothing. Once again, why do I have to be the one to sacrifice? Why do I have to be the one who always gets less than? That is the way I was, I will never go back to giving up things for what already should be mine.

The better question would be, what would our WS's traded to not have betrayed us? But, as this is all hypothetical the only answer would be is their lives, which would cause us pain, again. In fact, I can't think of one thing a WS could trade that wouldn't hurt us in some way. Money? That would hurt us. Health? That would hurt us. Looks? That would hurt us. Maybe fame and power, but not all WS's have that. Awww, maybe they would have to trade their orgasms. Nope, that would hurt us, too. *sigh*

This is a no win exercise, HurtButHopeful?.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Technically I have been thru this shitstorm 3 times in our lives.

So I feel that I don't have anything (not counting my kids and gd babies, they are priceless) worth trading in, or for.

That said, I think I would trade in my whole adult life with him, and take my chances elsewhere!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

currently, I've traded my sanity....


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4922 | Registered: Dec 2010
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're probably right, SisterMilkShake.

After starting this thread, I asked Mr. HBH what he would have given up to not have the A.

After thinking for a while, he said he would give up the whole year that led up to it, all the friends he made (at the congregation where he met OW, the pastor's slut daughter) and he would have continued spending the Sabbath in his car, alone.

He didn't offer either of his nuts because, he says, "He doesn't have a favorite."

Tells me a little something about how he values himself over relationships.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have traded my WH to not be a BS


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as it pains me to say this I wouldn't trade anything. Our marriage was shitty. I remember when I walked in and he was standing much too close to the OW. I freaked out but I have to admitt I was surprised I even cared enough about him to freak out.
Our life is so much better now that it would be a mistake to turn back the clock. I have no doubt we would be divorced by now!


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1439 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't offer either of his nuts because, he says, "He doesn't have a favorite."

I've always had a favourite: The bigger one!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1919 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
SoOver96
♀ Member
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't give up anything but I have wished that I could go back to the time before the affairs and look at the signs instead of been blinded by his lies. I've lost all of my trust in anybody in my life except my kids and even then it's hard because they don't want to hurt my feelings but I let them know telling the truth is hurtful but at least your being an honest person

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, that sums it up

I told my husband that if he had nearly beat me to death it wouldn't have been as painful.

No-one should have to trade anything for a happy marriage though.


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 197 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok my spouse made our life miserable because he wanted to make us miserable so he could justify his cheating.
Before that stage oh my god my life was perfect my marriage was perfect. To not have had to of endured the pain of infidelity in my past I would take death tomorrow! Because at least I would of lived a loving pain free life! I am serious! Well atlesst my heart wouldnt of been broken.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would give my left nut and then some plus ten years off my life. It's really sad that most of us would trade an early death not to have gone through this pain.

I'm not sure a wayward can ever understand this pain because it wasn't done to them. I feel as though my wife's affair was almost a life ender for me.

Luckily I have kids and wouldn't let that happen but the depression is still there and the thoughts don't go away.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 602 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
waiting2see
♀ Member
Member # 13767
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't trade a thing--not even to erase the times I laid on the floor, pregnant and vomiting praying to die.

I didn't die. And now I know I can survive anything and be happy no matter where life may take me.

There is no doubt that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Oh, and wiser and happier and more secure.

Hardest lesson ever. Best lesson ever. I wouldn't trade it for the world.


me: BS
him: XWS

Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne


Posts: 1931 | Registered: Feb 2007
nolight
♀ Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing!

Now that I have moved through the pain my life is so much calmer, richer and happier.

I don't keep waiting for the next hit, I don't read self help books to try to ascertain what's "wrong" with me, I'm no longer anxious.

Losing that dead wood was the best thing that's ever happened to me


Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not trade anything.

Everything I have learned since becoming a BS has been more valuable to me and what I am worth as a person, than the Xh. I cannot think of another way I could have learned these things about myself. Unwillingly yes. But all the same so invaluable.

Did I want to be a BS ??? Never.

Did I want my M to fail, and have Xh throw me away like yesterdays trash ???
Never.

But I know in what is left of my heart and soul there is a reason, there is a why ... and someday I will know the reasons. Will they make sense ... maybe, maybe not.

It is what it is. I can't change it now or then. After this far I don't want to. Karma will dish out the justice. I will keep learning/growing and hopefully be happy/safe/content again.

Like I said when I decided to file for D in 2010, he choose how to derail the M, but I choose how to end it, on my terms, not his. And that is how I carry in my life now. It is my life, and it is my way.

[This message edited by booger bear at 7:13 PM, October 18th (Friday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18773 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much pain, yet so much hope is being shared here. Thank you for sharing your suffering and triumphs.

I hope to someday trust the present and hope for the future, like so many who have posted. Our M is better in many ways than it was pre-A. H is more honest and can touch deeper parts of his psyche than he could before (if I ask the right Q's.) We both still need to work on ourselves, but I am only responsible for myself. I want to let go of the past, of the pain, and trust my future to God and to myself, with or without WH. No matter what he does in the future, I WILL be OK. If he continues doing what he is doing now, there will be no more earth shaking surprises.

Like some of you said, without the A, our M would have continued in the same path which wasn't spectacular. His conflict avoidance irritated me to no end, and he never admitted any of it. Now he is aware of it, and where it could take him in the long run. He's working on his CA, I'm not so frustrated, and he is living more authentically. Life is better.

*********Given what I've learned in this thread, I would have rather him had the A, and him grow from it than me have a broken leg.*********

Thank you for your honesty, SI friends!!!


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 53
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