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Newest Member: Greg (45364)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not Married
Trying2013
♀ New Member
Member # 41024
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 2 years. I just recently found out that he strayed. I found out because he confessed, the next day, crying and all. I was shocked to hear it, but my first instinct was not to leave him. Rather, I went into repair mode, racking my brain of anything we could do to try to repair the relationship.
I am willing to try because, even though we are not married, I love him more than anyone I have ever loved before in my life. I would marry him tomorrow if he asked. On a day to day basis, our relationship is wonderful. However, I have always known that he don't have a deep understanding of each other. My BF has made it known from the beginning that he has been extremely damaged from his past relationships and I think that is what has caused us to not talk about emotions and such as much. I believe that the limited deep emotional comfort is what has caused this situation.
Anyway, we have talked and decided to try because even though we aren't married, as many of you are, we love each other like crazy and I personally cannot imagine ever being as happy with another man. I think we have the ability to become emotionally closer, as we have always supported each other in difficult times, have not judged each other's pasts, and have a genuine, strong connection.
What I worry about is getting him to open up more. I don't need to know every detail of his life, but I need to know what he has gone through to build up such a gigantic wall! He knows we are great together, but is in constant fear that I will leave him; that this relationship is "too good to be true".
Has anyone dealt with the Berlin Wall being built around their love's heart? How were you able to break it down? Or at least start putting a crack in it?
Also...any success for couples that were not married when the incident happened?


Patience is the key to joy

Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2013
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dear, as the former not-married partner of a serial philanderer with his own serious relationship issues, I have every sympathy for you. It seems to me that he will require a lot of individual counselling (IC) to discover why he feels the way he does, and why he gives himself permission to stray. He was not kicking and screaming, “NO!” when he got involved with another person. He made a conscious decision to get involved. You say he is afraid you will leave and that your relationship is too good to be true. Sounds as if he has massive abandonment issues. Since he told you, he may even have been unconsciously testing your commitment to him (“Does she love me enough to stay even after I cheated?”) or symbolically leaving you before you can leave him. (“See? I knew she wouldn’t stay.) The human mind is a devious place. I really recommend IC , but just be prepared for it to take time. My X was not prepared to do the work. His modus operandi was to find another partner who didn’t know his foibles. (((NotMarried)))


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7285 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Trying2013
♀ New Member
Member # 41024
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LynnM1947 -

Thanks for the words. He definitely has relationship issues, though it seems that with everything I DO know, no one has ever had the faith and love for him to stick with him through tough times and help him work it out (He was in the military and travels a lot so I think all the exes had enough). He and I have talked about that fact that he has a lot of internal issues to overcome. But I also let him know that I will support him and help him work, so long as he is still working.


Patience is the key to joy

Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying- I applaud you for your faith in him and your relationship. I also think its important that you are recognizing the barriers to a truly good relationship.
I was the one with the wall- I was not the one that cheated. However, my walls and my keeping secrets about what put that wall up drove a horrible division between my WH and I. And he sought the comfort of someone who he thought was "honest" with him. Ha... We've processed through all of that and this isn't about me now...
What I want to say is this.
Protect yourself. Often, in situations like this, the betrayed can see themselves as the "fixer" or the "savior" and commit themselves to this role, excusing all actions and deceptions because "I love him and he is so damaged."
It is a dangerous ground to tread. Just be honest with yourself- you love him and you sound as if there are a lot of great things about your relationship. This is probably very true.
But he has problems. Unrelated to you. You can offer support and comfort, but please not at your own expense. Don't get so caught up in being his savior that you lose yourself. Set some clear boundaries- and stick with them. I agree that IC is probably a good step for him.
You sound like a truly beautiful person.
I wish you peace and strength.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Trying2013
♀ New Member
Member # 41024
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonder -

Thanks for the warning. I have to check myself sometimes because I know that I cannot "save" him. I have gotten myself to a point that I don't want to "save" him, because it my mind, that almost means that he stays the way he is. Rather, I try to look at it as "supporting" him to take the steps he needs and being there for him as he takes them.
Since you were the one with the wall, can you offer any suggestions on what I or he can do in order to maybe start to break them down? What worked for you? I know that IC is a suggestion, but outside of that, anything we can do on the homefront? Any clues about how I can continue to support him dealing with his demons and knowing that he can open up to me?


Patience is the key to joy

Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow- well - my wake up call was the A. So I don't recommend that. :)

Talking through our issues with complete honesty after the A made me realize that if i was demanding honesty from him, he deserved it from me.

Let me PM you later on when I have some time to compose. Okay? Off to a soccer practice but I will write more to you later.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Trying2013
♀ New Member
Member # 41024
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would love to but am a new member so I don't have capabilities yet. Will try to respond to a few more so it opens up. Thanks for the help!


Patience is the key to joy

Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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