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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: an open letter-- a step towards acknowledgment & acceptance
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Stop  Posted: 10:51 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote this letter to my xF as a part of my grieving exercise-- I'm sharing it (with a stop sign) because I want to let other waywards know that it is okay to have feelings of anger. All feelings are our feelings, and I think it's incredibly helpful and loving to be kind to ourselves about our feelings. We can't "control" having them. My feelings of sadness and anger are mine-- my thoughts that come from those feelings are a valuable and worthwhile part of who I truly am. Evidence of my soul is in the expression of my feelings; my expression of my feelings is in this letter. My expression/letter comes from love with a careful awareness towards self-righteousness. I'm not posting this for my BS to see-- she's not on this site, she's under no threat of the message. I only thought it would be helpful for other waywards to see. I want to share my experience, strength and hope-- a cornerstone of my recovery. Waywards, please be kind to your BSs, but also be kind to yourselves and allow yourselves to have feelings of all kinds-- don't feel guilty for being angry or resentful. Awareness -> acknowledgement -> action -> healing. I feel like that's a journey we all need to take in some form or another. Find your own path-- you won't do it perfectly, so go ahead and get started.


"I’m still mad at you. I’m mad because you left me. You left me hurting, scared, confused and down. We built a relationship to support each other, and I needed you more than ever when you left. My world was turned upside down, and I just needed you to be there. I didn’t need you to be strong-- I didn’t need you to save me. I just needed you to BE THERE. I needed you to love me. Love in this case isn’t blind and dumb… love in this case is loyal and faithful. I’m sure you’re saying to yourself something like, “yeah, that sounds great-- but where was YOUR faithful and loyal love when you were cheating on me?” From your perspective, my infidelity was proof that I didn’t love you. You didn’t possess the knowledge of addiction nor the emotional capacity to empathize with me. I don’t blame you for that, but I really needed you to choose to love me enough that you’d at least try to understand what I was going through-- to at least try to see things from my perspective-- to at least try to learn about addiction. I was sick (and I still am). I had (and still have) a brain disorder. A disorder that led me to insulate against the uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and intimacy. A disorder that allowed me to construct a partitioning of reality where on one side I was normal and on the other side I was an addict. A disorder I never knew about and that existed long before I ever met you. You didn’t understand what was happening, and you got scared and ran away. Something you had been taught about love and relationships told you that me recovering from an addiction was something you shouldn’t have to deal with this early in a relationship. But you told me that if we had married first, it would’ve been different. So maybe 2 months later when we had a marriage license?-- maybe 5 years later when we had kids?-- maybe 25 years later when had financial security? When would have been the right time to deal with a crisis? There will be crises, and you can’t plan for them.

The reality is that now I’m in recovery-- My life has pivoted on a spiritual awakening and awareness & love are my driving forces. God, I wish I could share that with you."

[This message edited by nealos at 5:52 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nealos..

Thank you for sharing, I do feel its important to purge out negative feelings. I'm glad you expressed yourself and gave your feelings a voice


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196331 | Registered: May 2002
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi nealos,

I'm glad you're getting all og this stuff out too. Fro. That short letter it still sounds like there is a jumble of emotions and stuff you are working to sort out. Keep it up. Wishing you peace.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6092 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nealos,

Thanks for your example of feeling your feelings. Sitting with them. Helpful for me and, I'm guessing, others as well.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1380 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this this morning-- I still "struggle with the struggle," so to speak. It's pretty apparent in my letter. I wrote my letter to give my feelings a voice, but I wasn't fully prepared to hear what they were saying. Ughhh :)


PJ Carnes:

"Life is often unfair. Suffering, fear and hurt will be there. We must know how to transform bad experiences into assets. We call this resilience. In the Twelve Step programs, the widely used phrase, "nothing is wasted" captures the truth that there are always critical lessons in the struggle. No matter what the disaster is, we must seek learning, meaning and opportunity. Finding peace and joy in the struggle is humankind's most important task."

and then later...

"We lose serenity when we invest in the pain. Mostly, this means resisting change or believing we have more control than we do. Growing up means abandoning what we once believed to be true, divesting ourselves of those impassioned arguments about fairness, and allowing the larger force of the universe to work through us."


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
Topic Posts: 5

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