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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He still thinks about her, what do I do?
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are having some huge struggles right now, and I truly feel like I have no idea what to do.

I have the problem with my fWH withdrawing and getting super depressed and self-depricating, but the issue is with how to manage it. I can no longer hear anything positive about he OW from my H's mouth, and told him as much. He agreed and said that he never felt that it was fair for me - but I had wanted to know everything in order to make an informed decision about my staying in the M. So now, if he's sad and doesn't want to talk about it, I can assume he is thinking about her and that his thoughts would hurt me. So I feel just as much pain or more than when we communicated about his pain.

Here's what he said about those down times for him;
that the original trigger may make him have a fond memory of her, but what upsets him is the fact that he can have fond memories at all now that he is in this different mind space. He said he's pissed off that he has to manage those thoughts, which he says disgust him and can lead to him feeling hatred for her, when all he wants to do is focus on me and our M. He said then his mind snowballs into all the horrible things he has done and caused, and that he feels like an absolute worthless human being for having had that trigger about the OW when that's exactly what he knows will kill me.

We discussed that I think we have to try to stop avoiding the pain. That him trying to save me from hurting, just makes me hurt more. I said that if he is as sorry as he described to me, then there's got to be a way that he can share this with me and show real remorse too. After we talked, we quietly made supper together with our boys. Then he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "I'm sorry." And we hugged and cried and our boys hugged us too. It felt like we were being real for the first time, and it felt good, but I still hurt.

So, I wonder if anyone has any gentle advise for me and my fWH here. Do his thoughts about her mean something nearly 9 months later? Does this mean that I shouldn't be here with him? Does this mean that he really loved or loves her more than me?

It's killing us both, and I feel lost and confused.

Please don't post angry, mean, or aggresive advice. I don't need to hate right now, I need to figure out what's right or get through this 'setback' I feel I'm having.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not so sure that this is a setback between you. I think it's another stage in this process for him and a forward one at that. You say;

Here's what he said about those down times for him;
that the original trigger may make him have a fond memory of her, but what upsets him is the fact that he can have fond memories at all now that he is in this different mind space. He said he's pissed off that he has to manage those thoughts, which he says disgust him and can lead to him feeling hatred for her, when all he wants to do is focus on me and our M. He said then his mind snowballs into all the horrible things he has done and caused, and that he feels like an absolute worthless human being for having had that trigger about the OW when that's exactly what he knows will kill me.

Well, to me, that's the beginning of the end the 'fond' reminiscing for him that he's been doing up until this point, because hopefully he now realises the actual cost to you and himself too, for him having had those 'fond' times to remember with OW in the first place. Him realising the enormity of the damage and hurt that he did by having those 'times' to you and your marriage - now takes the 'fondness' out of the memory, so the 'fond' feelings in his reminiscing no longer last and they are replaced by thoughts of the 'cost' of those times instead. I think it's a forward move. Eventually there should be no more 'fondness' at all in his reminisces of her if he is truly remorseful and frankly that's how it should be - he has no right, and can't expect to have, ANY fond memories about something he did with someone else that was so very wrong. If he is beginning to get that, then it's a forward move in my opinion - as opposed to before him just thinking of her fondly and 'missing' her - even if he did it silently.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((eachday))))

We can't always control what we feel; many of us here as BSs would love to stop having the thoughts that we have too. The fact that it upsets him to have positive thoughts is progress, IMO. He realizes that his feelings about her are what causes and caused so much pain for you. Were they real feelings? Probably, at the time. But he is with you, he chose you, he is trying to help you heal. He likely realizes that those feelings were inappropriate and illusionary. But they still pop up once in awhile.

I agree that he needs to feel safe to discuss his feelings with you, but he should still be sensitive about your feelings. He can learn strategies to change these thought processes, perhaps in IC. Just like a drug addict or alcoholic needs to refocus when they have a craving.

Hang in there honey.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I needed some outside perspective, although I'm not sure if it's a good thing that I need it, I sure do appreciate it.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As hard as it is, I do think it's good that you are talking about it. And I agree that it's a positive that his thought patterns about his memories are changing.

Your post gave me something to think about. My WH has shut down and won't talk to me about anything anymore. I certainly have all the same thoughts and worries running through my head. I wish I had the little bit of insight into his feelings that your WH has given you. I totally get that it still hurts. My WH has said some truly hurtful things that I stew about for months. Lacking any more conversation just amplifies my fears and worries about it. I really think that you are on a path to healing for both of you. You've got to feel the hurt and work through it, in order to conquer it. The path I'm on isn't working at all.

Wishing you much strength and eventual happiness and peace. Hang in there!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 657 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that there is anything wrong with needing outside perspective. We are often too close to our own situations to be objective.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good things about this situation:
1. He is talking to you about his thoughts.
2. He feels badly about having positive thoughts about her. This makes me think it is almost an anxiety reaction.
3. You guys are working on this together.
4. You are reaching out for help.

Are you sharing your hurt with him? Are you letting him in? I thought my H was de-fogged pretty early, but the more he sees from me, the more in touch he is with what he really did.

Also, it may be that your H is just responding to missing how he felt in the A (the good part). Not her, really. Our MC told my H to look at it that way at first -- that he didn't miss the OW, he missed how he felt at that time. Maybe it is those feelings your H needs to deal with. I doubt it has little to anything to do with the OW.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all for taking the time to respond to my questions and post. It's revitalizing to remember that so many other people are going through the same thing.

And thank you all for being supportive and gentle, your words are exactly what I needed, and will give my H and I some food for thought tonight.

I guess mature love is almost as hard for me to learn as it is for my H. I felt so angry at them for letting go of responsibility and just selfishly acting on attraction and desire, that I want to remember the mistakes they made. I want to remember them when I feel like acting on my feelings of pain, and know that feelings will change, but our life will and is improving because of the mature love we work for. It's so hard, but it's what I expect of myself and my H right now.

Just, thanks. Thanks a lot.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Topic Posts: 8

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