Topic: Is this normal
Member # 40878
| Posted: 9:37 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013|
It's been about 8 weeks since D-day we have started mc and my wife has started ic on her own. we have ok days and some really bad days even the ok days are really only ok for her cause all I can think about is what she has done to me and our marriage..she had a pa with a co worker for almost 2 years the whole time I confronted her on a daily basis and she lied would even cry telling me nothing is going on.. All I want to know is why countinue when I tell you I know? why continue sexting him after you get fired for having a pa in work? D-day was two weeks after she got fired the minute she got fired started tracking her phone and that's when I saw the sexting.. All she can say is i don't know why I kept doing it that's why im going to therapy I sometimes think.that answer is a copout.. so basically im wondering is it normal to have ok days well ok for her atleast sometimes I don't know how she can act normal after what she did but I hate bringing it up constantly especially when I get the same answers all the time... Thanks in advance for the advice!!!!!!
Posts: 53 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
Member # 40966
| Posted: 9:50 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013|
I can relate. I've been through several cheating episodes with my H and he can't tell me why. Almost convinced me I was the crazy one and he would never have an affair. His were casual sex but still cuts so deep that they can see the pain it's caused and continue the behavior. Other aspects of our relationship were wonderful and that's why it's been do hard for me to let go.
Posts: 141 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 14459
| Posted: 6:05 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013|
Its the lies which unravel a relationship, together with the excuse 'I don't know why I did it', followed by visits to a shrink and another claim that it was some childhood trauma that planted the seed of infidelity.
She lied [enormously], committed adultery and won't fess up as to why she did it. Enough disrespect to last a lifetime.
[This message edited by OK now at 6:05 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]
Posts: 1469 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Member # 37044
| Posted: 7:14 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013|
Having an A is a very selfish, self-centered thing. When you're that selfish and self-centered how can you see anyone else's pain? Anyone else's needs? You can't! Or it's too painful to face.
It takes courage to admit you fucked up. It takes courage to face your pain and the pain you caused in others. WS are broken people, there is something inside of them that is so broken, so twisted that it drives them to do all sorts of selfish, self-seeking things. In the wake of DDay they are full of regret, shame and fear. Most of us would never put ourselves in the situations that would cause us to have to deal with such monumental emotions, but if we did, would we have the courage to face those emotions? To confess despite our fears? To face the pain inside us that would have us do such destructive things? I'm sure the realization of what they've done is horrendous. Who else but a monster would hurt the people they love? For what? A few ego strokes and some cheap thrills? A BS has to deal with a pain that cuts to the core, a WS had to contend with the knowledge of what they've done.
It takes time. In the beginning sometimes it just takes willingness and a little bit of honesty. There is a lot of work for the WS to do to repair the damage their actions created and to rebuild trust, but that also takes time, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
We are in R.
Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 36057
| Posted: 7:34 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013|
She had an A for two long yrs, she lied, gaslighted and blameshifted. You caught her two weeks earlier but you and your wife wanted everything to be normal by 8 weeks.REALLY?
R is a tough journey man, your only in the beginning stages of the roller coaster ride you are going to have for a very long time. It usually takes two to five yrs for recovery and healing. some takes longer.
Two yrs of A, she got fired from job for that, still dint confess to you but you caught her. Did she came clean completely? Do you think she is truly remorseful or regret getting caught?
Why you think MC is a magical pill which cures your pain and solve all the problems.
What are the consequences she faced for her cheating? Why you want to continue in this marriage?
Take your own time and decide what you want from this marriage before you rush towards R?
[This message edited by kannan at 7:35 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]
Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 33806
| Posted: 7:49 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013|
***She lied [enormously], committed adultery and won't fess up as to why she did it. Enough disrespect to last a lifetime.****
BINGO! Well said..
I venture to say you may still be in shock...Anger and resentment will hit you soon if they haven't already...
Just because WW is in therapy to figure out her messed up in her thinking doesn't mean that you get to put up with her shitty choices until she figures herself out..
As was said earlier, take some time to watch WW's actions going forward before rushing into R..
Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite
Posts: 785 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 28362
| Posted: 8:18 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013|
This is normal weather the WS is a man or woman. However in the I Can Relate Forum there is a thread for Betrayed Men. If you haven't read there yet, I suggest it.
We as BS have the same pain but I am a little sexist and still think we react somewhat differently.
It takes them time to figure out why they did it. I am not sure my FWH knows the true reason yet. They try to act normal because it's hard to see what an idiot you've been(IMHO).
Posts: 787 | Registered: Apr 2010
Member # 40878
| Posted: 3:38 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013|
sorry if it cane out the wrong way but I didn't mean that I expected it.to be normal right now.. what I was trying to say is some days she acts like everything is normal. I guess I act this way also meanwhile all I can think about is what she did.... I in know way think mc is a magic pill for anything... someone asked is she remorseful and sorry for what she did or just sorry she got caught. I honestly ask myself that everyday cause let's be honest it would probably still be going on if I didn't catch her.... How can you tell if there remorseful or just sorry they got caught?? Im really not sure if I want to R or if I just want to walk away. I have seen a lawyer just incase I want a D and she is fully aware that im not sure what im going to do yet unfortunately it's a very tough decision...
[This message edited by whyme1525 at 3:52 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]
Posts: 53 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
♀ New Member
Member # 41016
| Posted: 3:49 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013|
My husband is still cheating on me on Craigslist :(. Don't know if I'm in the right place.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 14993
| Posted: 4:23 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013|
It is normal for a WS to act like everything is okay. They don't want to deal with the consequences of their decisions (or even admit their decisions), so carrying on like all is normal is a way to avoid everything and avoid taking the necessary steps to set things right. It's easier to pretend than it is to examine yourself when you are scared of what you might find.
Your WW cheated because something within her was missing and she felt the external validation would fill it. If you are to reconcile, she needs to understand why she felt her behaviour was acceptable, take responsibility for it (not blameshift) and ownership of the consequences, recognise the pain she caused you, set a plan to ensure it never happens again, and make amends to the marriage and rebuild upon a foundation of respect, honesty, and transparency.
It's pretty normal for you to be all over the place and not know what you want. Give yourself the time to find out. You will know when your heart and your head agree. In the meantime, you may want to check out the 180 to get a plan in place to rebuild yourself after the emotional trauma. I would also think about what your needs are in the relationship and what behaviour you will absolutely not tolerate. I would be transparent with your WW about those things. Make sure you take care of yourself - seeing a lawyer to find out your rights, a counselor, a doctor, it a good way to make sure you have professional support.
Hang in there brother, keep smart, and keep strong. You're gonna be okay.
ilovedancin - I'm so sorry for what's happened. This is a great support community with valuable advice. I suggest you start your own thread to introduce yourself and tell us how we can help.
Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.
Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
|Topic Posts: 10|