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User Topic: Hoovering...round 2, or is it 3?
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my WS has decided that he's 1000000% committed to me.
He actually gave me his sim card for his phone.(I did not ask, he volunteered it) Which, in reality he could be using his work phone to call her. He told me he called his company and told them to block OW number because it was a telemarketer. Haven't verified that.
I know my kids said she was following him around the other day at the community theater and he told her to leave him the hell alone. (Possible he did it just bc the kids were there, but what kind of crazy b!tch follows a married man around when his 3 sons are there and KNOW that she's the mistress and that he is trying to save his marriage?? WTF?!)
He emailed his attorney and told her he didn't need her services any longer. That he is going to do all he can to stay married and therefore "thank you for your time" etc. (He copied me on this, she sent it to my attorney and he also said he'd sign any provisions I wanted with NC with OW.)
He went to my IC session with me Monday because I wanted my IC to hear what he was saying.
She is his IC as well, so that was a nice mediation. She helped me get through it very well.
I am in the midst of buying a house and he knew I needed an electrician so he called one,took the day off work, met him at the house and paid for him to do the inspection. He also called the carpet installers and got an appointment with them for the new house for Friday. (Even though this is MY house. No guarantee whatsoever that he will EVER live there.) He is supporting my purchase of the house now, telling me what he can help me do as far as fixing things up etc.
He took my van and had it cleaned, came to my apartment (we are separated) and cleaned and did dishes for me.
I didn't ask him to do any of this stuff, he said he wanted to and that he was going to prove by his actions that I will regret it if I divorce him because he is strong enough to be the man I married and the man I deserve.
Now, don't get me wrong-I totally believe his intentions. I want to believe that this is my husband, back from "the land of insanidelity".
He's always been a helpful guy and always liked doing things for me, but got off track there somewhere and obviously um, fully and catastrophically betrayed our wedding vows.
I think he's going a little overboard right now. I am just trying to stay calm and not fall into it all, just seeing what is going to happen.
I still have the divorce papers, printed out, ready to be finalized, in my purse.
He knows this.
I asked him what he will do if I sign them and take them to my lawyer.
He said... "I will continue to fight. There is nothing that matters more to me in this world than 4 people, you and our 3 children."
So.
Hoover or the path to Reconciliation?
Actions speak louder than words, and 3 days is barely a start.
*sigh*


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hard to say. His effort could be genuine, it could be a stalling tactic, or the OW might have spooked him with her craziness.

All you can do at this point is give him the chance to prove himself and his remorse through consistent and verifiable action (that is if you would rather reconcile). At the same time though, I wouldn't let my guard down until trust was earned.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 4:06 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with SerJR, that with his past history it is hard to say. He's done this before and let you down badly.

But in my gut opinion this time could be a little different. I've followed your posts and it has always seemed to me that when he has broken NC in the past it's because he is weak and frightened to be alone - not so much because he 'loves' the OW anymore. It seems to me like he no longer thinks she's 'the one' but that she's 'the one who might be left to him' if he can't get you back. So when he's most frightened of not getting you back he goes running straight back to her - giving her just enough to keep her hanging on. It is absolutely all about him and not her.


Now that's not the type of man you want in your life going forward either because you will always fear that weakness is still there in him and anytime there's trouble or a down time in the marriage in future he could go 'running' again. But maybe he is beginning to realise this himself now, and realise that he's the only one who can change that now? Not you and not OW? If so, that's a step forward for him.


I'm hoping your IC has your best interests at heart as well as his by agreeing to that session you had, and because as she is his IC too, she is uniquely situated with an insight into you both. So I would expect (and hope) that she would have pulled him up in front of you if she thought he was lying to you again or had NO hope whatsoever, of keeping the promises he is making this time. Now of course, she can't predict if he will stay the course and follow through on his actions either, anymore than any of us can. But if he has had the 'guts' to say everything in front of her, (and she is witness 'presumably' to any 'growth' he's had in therapy with her) maybe it's the start of him acting on that growth.


Also to blow the OW off publicly in front of your boys - well that seems like two things to me. Maybe he really sees her as a public symptom of his own weakness now and she is embarrassing to him now because of it - just following along behind him and showing his sons his continued weakness in allowing it. She may have really de-fogged him completely by doing that because it also showed her as being weak to still be following him around - a public embarrassment in every way, and all round for him - and hardly someone to run to for strength.... and all played out in front of his own sons no less. Maybe he sees it now. I don't know.


Also he's helping you with buying the house he doesn't 'really' want you to have, (because it makes it 'easier' in his opinion for you to not 'come back' to your old house where he lives) ...so maybe this is him starting to grow a backbone again? Starting to realise that it's more than a house address that needs to change to get you to come back to him? Maybe he's becoming prepared to stand on his own two feet, and burn his bridges to risk being alone if he can't get you back - because the knows that change has to be in him - not you, not OW and not the house?


I don't know. Maybe I'm seeing more than there really is, and it would obviously be a work in progress if this is what is happening anyway. Maybe your heart has been too hurt and you have no more chances to give him. You most certainly do not owe him another chance - he's had quite a few already and he kept on letting you down. But I think because of these actions if I were you and I wasn't completely done with him already, it might give me at least pause that this time it could be different. That maybe he does see the problem has always been in him now and that he is the one who has to fix it. I wouldn't jump right back into R with him - he's hurt you too much already to risk that immediately - but I may be inclined to give him a little more time to 'prove' these changes to me (and to himself too) before I actually filed.


Of course you could still do all that whilst going ahead with the divorce too if you wanted to - there's nothing to say that you can't divorce him and still watch his actions too. That, in fact, would be the ultimate test of any changes he says he's made. You could always get back together with him after - if did maintain his changes - and if you wanted to.


Ultimately though, I think it's not so much the action of filing that divorce that is the risk - it's the building up of your hope again whether you file or not. Getting your hopes up is a risk that ultimately has no guarantees - as you know only too well from previous hurts. What is your gut saying?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've gone back and read a few of your past threads and I can't believe the level at which your H exposed your boys to his A and his AP. I think what's important for you to consider the most at this point is how do you think they'll cope with R versus D - weighing the pros and cons of each from the CHILDREN'S perspective as well as your own.

Affairs are ugly in any light but when a HUGE spotlight is shinging on the A for everybody to see - including the children and their FRIENDS - and the A still goes on despite that light shined upon it, a BS must ask him/herself:

- How will my children view relationships/marriage moving forward?
- Will my children be able to respect me and my decision?
- Will they respect their wayward parent?
- How will another major shift in living situation/routine affect them? Pros? Cons?
- What can be the long-term ramifications for THE CHILDREN if this ends up being false R? Could it be catostrophic?

As sweet as his gestures seem on the surface, your WS still seems highly unreliable at this time. I would proceed with caution and do not bury those D papers too deep in your purse.

Good luck to you, MyPerfectLife.


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sins of thefather...
So much of your response was dead on. You read the situation very well.

So when he's most frightened of not getting you back he goes running straight back to her - giving her just enough to keep her hanging on. It is absolutely all about him and not her.

Exactly-he is realizing this.

Maybe he's becoming prepared to stand on his own two feet, and burn his bridges to risk being alone if he can't get you back - because the knows that change has to be in him - not you, not OW and not the house?

And this...this is a huge deal for me as well. Having me back in "our house" has been a huge safety net for him. I think he has imagined that if I am just back home that everything will be fixed. Which is why I refuse to go back home. I think he's starting to let go of that finally with help from the IC.
Ultimately though, I think it's not so much the action of filing that divorce that is the risk - it's the building up of your hope again whether you file or not. Getting your hopes up is a risk that ultimately has no guarantees - as you know only too well from previous hurts. What is your gut saying?

My gut is saying that he seems serious. But he was serious before and got scared. If he doesn't get scared this time and stays the course, this could be true reconciliation.
As far as the kids-, anewday78, you hit the nail on the head. It's been a huge issue with me...and it's been a difficult situation for them because we do live in a very small town. It would be almost impossible to cheat in this town without someone finding out.
In fact, today my kids got into a bunch of trouble and my oldest son told me he's mad at WS because he keeps going "back and forth". WS had a talk with him about all of this. I think he basically said to my son what he'd been saying to me, that this time he would use his actions and not his words, that we are the 4 most important people in the world to him.
I told my son that I completely and entirely understand where he's coming from and that as parents we both love him very much and have his best interest at heart.
My gut tells me that my boys want us to be a family again. That they are simply waiting on dad to toe the line. They are tired of seeing me hurt, but they know that he can do it and that we can all be happy. They are just sick of being let down by him. He was a good dad for a very long time, and besides the normal family stress and occasional fight, our family was pretty darn happy for the past 17 years.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God, those boys are pretty tough. I don't think I'd be able to forgive my dad for such brazen acts of betrayal. That's just me though and a big part of the reason I joined SI in the first place. I really hope you and your boys get the outcome you desire - you've all suffered enough through this ordeal.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It truly disturbs me how much my boys have had to grow up in the past 6 months.
We have never really tried to shelter them from reality, but I never wanted them to know THIS much about reality at such an age.
I honestly don't think my WS realized at the time just how much they would figure out and the ways in which it would affect them. He may be a total asshat but I think he is truly remorseful for the damage that has been done to them.
They are good, smart, strong boys. They love both of us unconditionally.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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