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User Topic: Beneficiary decisions
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A Tax Sheltered Annuity is way for teachers to save for retirement if we don't have a social security option. I funded a couple of TSAs & a Roth IRA. I'm not talking a HUGE amount of wealth here, but I'm really good with a budget & thing$ compound over time.

WH is named beneficiary on all of my accounts except one (see below).

I need advice about changing the beneficiary on these accounts--should I delete him and add my sister, or wait 6 months or so to make a decision?

If I change the beneficiary now, I can always change it back. I'm still pissed I guess, and don't want him to have bonus beneficiary money coming in, in the event that I am no longer here (I'm not a spring chicken anymore & who knows what will happen). Well, this is how I feel today.

A couple of years ago (during his LTA, when he thought he was The Big Man and could do no wrong & was yet again&always being self-centered, his thoughtlessness SO PISSED ME OFF that I deleted him from one of the TSAs & replaced him with my sister as bennie.

I'm still raw at the Trickle Truth days last month, but we're doing IC and MC. He still has his head up his ass a lot, although I can tell he is trying, in his own way, to not lose what he thinks he still has--a home, me in his life, food on the table, bills paid.

Oh, and get this, he told me that "back then" during his LTA, he began the LTA because --he mentioned this in his IC session today--
1) he was mad at me for asking him to have nothing more to do with one of his friends who disrespected me (and WH did NOT stand up for me so I took him to task for that) - this is different from the friend who stole from me and lied since WH didn't mention that to the IC
2) I made more money than he did & he couldn't buy me expensive gifts (I'm not an expensive-gifts kind of woman)

Today he comes home from his IC and discloses a bit about the session (which I appreciate) and then --this was not in his session, he says--WH tells me after he got over being "mad" at me, he continued the LTA because it was all about him, it felt good, he wanted it, it was enjoyable, he wasn't thinking of me at all except that he thought of me as his part-time employee.

Words cannot express how I felt at hearing that, but I want to thank Xanax for my calm reaction, which was "I appreciate your telling me that." He replied he doesn't think that way about me any more (because he was caught, all the while saying if he had not been caught, he would have continued the A), he's a changed men, it'll never happen again, etc etc.

Soooo, I need some input from come cooler heads, who are months or years out from where I am today... should I wait until there's a bit more distance between today and my emotions, or should I start making calls to change my beneficiary?

Thanks for any input and helpful advice and insights!
Hope

[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:10 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 360 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would change it if he said that to me...Hey, I did change mine. I made my X-BIL my beneficiary so I could piss off both the WH#2 and XWH#1 at the same time when I die.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Kiwigirl
♀ Member
Member # 36185
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it won't cost you anything and it will make you feel better today, why not change it? You can always change it back later if you change your mind. It might feel good even in a petty way and it is not going to affect you one iota - you' ll be dead! Lol

If it will cost you money to change, be difficult to reverse, I'd take a few deep breaths and a couple of weeks and then schedule an interview with some kind of financial advisor and then make a decision.


BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34

D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2012
cissie
♀ Member
Member # 17637
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some rules about disinheriting a spouse.
I believe if it is an IRA you can leave it to anyone.
If it is a 401K you have to get a consent form from your spouse to remove him as the primary beneficiary.
I do not know which rule would apply to your retirement accounts, but that would be the first thing to check.

Posts: 550 | Registered: Jan 2008
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your input. If I do need a consent form in order to change a beneficiary, it will certainly serve to bring the lesson home to him about his poor decisions relative to the past, 7 yr LTA.

posted by the part time hired help **that was sarcasm on my part**

[This message edited by Hope2B at 10:25 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 360 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not leave him one freakin penny! JMO!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The key question you need to answer is, 'What do you really want to do?'

Either way is fine, as long as it's what you really want to do.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:15 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10440 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About 80% of our net worth is in my name. After Dday my WH insisted that he did not care about the money, I could put it all in my name...so I did and it remains that way. Although we never discussed it I decided to assign my DS as beneficiary on every account I have. Not sure if my WH realizes this or not as he has no access to any of these accounts.
I have no intention of ever changing that.

Just this weekend I talked with my DS to let him know this and informed him that if anything ever happened I wanted him to keep the funds and not to let WH guilt him, manipulate him into turning the money over.

I have a very remorseful WH but it does not change the fact that I will never ever trust him.

There is no doubt, after reading your post, that I would change the beneficiary to your sister.



ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2124 | Registered: Nov 2011
heme
♀ Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If there is no penalty and it makes you feel better Id change it.

I dont have much in the way of retirement (small IRA from when I was working, the bene is my father since I never changed it after getting married) but my life insurance is in my WH name. Im leaving it there because out children are very young and if anything would to happen to me he would need it for them. If they were older Id change it to one of their names.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that you should do what you want.

But, if you are considering it just because of the (asshole) thing he recently said to you - I would think about that for a while.

I hope you find comfort in whatever you do.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Mack9512
♀ Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The day after my fWH told me he wanted a D I had my financial adviser help me create a trust fund for my DD and had all my account beneficiaries changed to the trust fund. Upon my death quite a bit of money will be going into the trust which will be controlled by my sister. The money cannot be touched until either my DD goes to college or she turns 25.

My fWH knows about this and it okay with it.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 412 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH tells me after he got over being "mad" at me, he continued the LTA because it was all about him, it felt good, he wanted it, it was enjoyable, he wasn't thinking of me at all except that he thought of me as his part-time employee.

I've often said that this is the biggest reason most people have affairs. Because they're selfish and enjoy it. Not because of FOO issues. Not because their spouse is a cold, passionless fish. Not because Mercury is in Retrograde and not because they "must be a sex addict."

Sometimes it just boils down to selfish, asshole behavior and nothing more than THAT. And your husband made my point yet again.

Honestly? I absolutely DO think you need to change your beneficiary. No one should this selfish should be rewarded with lots of money upon the death of their "part time employee."

Right?


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would definitely find out legally what is required to remove him as your beneficiary.
Have strength!


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 623 | Registered: Jul 2012
realgood2u
♀ Member
Member # 20940
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/if-you-don-t-want-leave-retirement-accounts-your-spouse.html


http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cngsVlG3Z60


Posts: 385 | Registered: Sep 2008
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your input (and the links, realgood)! We live in a community property state, and he lives in the Head-Up-His-Ass state.

Helped out a couple of friends who are moving into their first home today so I didn't get a chance to make phone calls, but I have my list of phone numbers ready to call and ask about changing my beneficiary.

What do I want to do? Change my beneficiary designation ASAP, and let time pass to see if R is even possible. At this point in time, I "foresee" us living as roommates, nothing more--but that's based on how I feel today.

Oh yeah, and while he didn't notice I took off my wedding ring, and didn't notice all photos of "us" have been removed (he is often clueless in his egocentricity), he DID make a comment about how I don't smile or laugh any more. (Ya think?)

I have to admit, I don't see any reconciliation light at the end of this tunnel. Maybe that's because my DDay #2 was just last month.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:20 AM, October 18th (Friday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 360 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Topic Posts: 15

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