Geez, I remember a time when he'd do something NICE for me and I would blow up at him.
The thing is, it's ok for him not to like something you've said, but his capacity for compassion and empathy will drive a lot of the rollercoaster right now.
Cut yourself slack for "pushing it." The fact that you have an awareness that it's happening means that you can take baby steps towards controlling it.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
My H has said that I always hold the trump card and that makes him feel that he has no voice. Both our MC and I have said that he should express his feelings. But we did agree that in the first year it made sense for him to worry more about my feelings and helping me heal, while also addressing his issues in IC.
What this really means is that he tries to be as nice and supportive as possible and help me with triggers. Only what he should be doing. I try not to bring the A up where it doesn't belong, which is a lot easier at 13 months out.
Now in year two he's trying to get his voice back. Unfortunately that did tend to look like old behavior and led to a "frank" discussion and my return to IC. She really helped me with reaching him in an unthreatening way and we got past it. (Bottom line he thought that it wasn't fair that I always thought I was right about relationship concerns, even when I was. I tried to point out that it shouldn't matter who was right, since we are on the same team. She told me to say that I learned intimacy as a child and he hadn't, I happened to have those skills that we could both call on, just like he was better at directions. Neither of us "earned" those skills but we could both take advantage of them--he found that easier to swallow).
Don't back down--this is the hard work that needs to be done.
Thinking of you.