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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: One day at a time
Livinglies
♀ New Member
Member # 40833
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time poster here but have been lurking for 7 weeks since i found out my WH was having a 5 month long PA with someone from work.

Since then he's said and done all the right things (still loves me, it's over with her, blah, blah....) but I can't help but feel that i'll never be able to trust him again.

At first all I wanted to do was make it work & keep my family together but now i'm starting to get angry. Angry that I wasn't enough for him. Angry that he would throw his family away for someone else. Angry at the humiliation of not being enough to keep my H from doing this.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! I am so sorry that you are here, but I am glad that you posted so you can get some support from members who understand what you are going through.

Angry that I wasn't enough for him.

I understand that feeling more than you know! That's how I felt for the longest time, but I am really trying to remind myself and understand that my boyfriend's infidelities had nothing to do with me. So try, as hard it is, to understand that it had nothing to do with you.

Big hugs to you livinglies! I'll be thinking about you. :)


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Livinglies, I'm sorry for your pain.

Angry that I wasn't enough for him....Angry at the humiliation of not being enough to keep my H from doing this.

Many BS's put a lot of undeserved and mistaken blame on themselves. But the truth is his cheating wasn't about you, it was all about him. He owns his choices.

I think it's normal to feel humiliated by your spouse's infidelity, I sure did for the longest time, but after months of introspection and help from SI, I realized that he humiliated himself by lowering himself to commit adultery.

YOU are enough.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9756 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Livinglies
♀ New Member
Member # 40833
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your support.

I'm struggling to know what to think right now.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
ilovedancin
♀ New Member
Member # 41016
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if i am in the right place but I just found out that my husband is still using craigslist to cheat on me

Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crushed is right. His affair is about him not you.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Livinglies
♀ New Member
Member # 40833
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ilovedancin - I'm sorry that you find yourself here. I'm new here too so i'm not sure what to say to you except I feel for you.

Perhaps try starting a new topic so that you can get the support you need.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there Living...

Have you given any thought to what you want?

What has your WH been doing in particular to set things right?

Like the other posters have said, his choice to have an affair is a reflection on him. It was a choice he alone made. Most often, the BS is the one who contributed more to the marriage. It's like trying to fill a bucket that has a hole in it... it doesn't matter how much you put in there, it's never enough because something is fundamentally wrong with the bucket. Don't own his choices - believe in yourself.

Not sure if you've read the 180 yet, but it's all about rebuilding your self esteem independently and confidently moving forward. Take a look through and take what works for you in your situation.

It's normal to be angry, sand, confused, and... well... pretty much everything. But, if you can keep faith in yourself and actively work on taking care of yourself, it will come under control and it will get better.

You're gonna be okay.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
IndianDreams
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Member # 40991
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SerJR I LOVE your analogy about there being something fundamentally wrong with the bucket, it makes total sense. Thank you


It wasn't my fault; my bucket was broken
NC = no new hurts

Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: England
Livinglies
♀ New Member
Member # 40833
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots has happened since my last post.

Last night when talking about our first MC session coming up WH exploded and told me exactly what I've been doing wrong for the last 12 years.

When asked If he was still in love with me he said he doesn't know.

I'm devastated!! For 7 weeks I've only been hearing that he's sorry and he loves me and how bad he's wanted to make it work and now he's not even sure he loves me


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love SerJR's bucket analogy too!

Do not blame yourself one iota for your WH's choice to go off of the rails, sending your lives into turmoil..

His list of things you did wrong to cause him to have A's and behave the way he is behaving is bullshit!

Your WH is that bucket that has something fundamentally wrong with it..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1259 | Registered: Nov 2011
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh crap! I remember this...
Did 'she' get in contact with him again? Mine would say bull like that if one of those whores had contacted him.
Do not let him blame you for the fact that he is a cheating, lying fuckwit. That is his and his alone.
He is setting you up for the MC session so that you feel it is all your responsibility. Hopefully your MC will call him on his shit and state it plainly.
He is supposed to be remorseful...maybe not quite there yet still in the erroneous 'guilt but no remorse' stage.
read Katherine41's post in JFO

His bucket needs more than just straw, dear Liza.

Huge hugs to you (((((((Livinglies)))))))


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
Livinglies
♀ New Member
Member # 40833
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're all right. I do know this deep down. Yet now the focus is off his affair and on everything else wrong with our marriage and I find myself not thinking about the A and only thinking , crap we're never going to make it work. 12 years is a long time for someone to be unhappy.

Truth is that I know there was lots wrong with our marriage but didn't realise he resented me so much.

He really wants us to go to MC but I'm feeling that if he's not going to be 100% committed then I'm wasting my time and energy and opening myself to the possibility that he will decide that we're not worth it.

He is saying that he loves me but isn't sure if he's In love with me. If he's not in love with me am I wasting my time.

Is it childish to focus on something like "he's not in love with me" ? Should it be enough that he says he loves me?

I feel like I'm chasing a fairy tale.
I want someone who wants to be with me always. Someone who come home and actively seeks me out to talk about his day and my day. Someone who sends me a message just because he's thinking of me. Someone who stops at the shops and thinks, my wife would like one of these chocolates I'm just going to buy her one.

Please tell me that real life isn't like this and I should accept his "yes I do love you" and I should go to MC.

I have always thought that MC will only work if we're in love. It won't make us fall in love.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yet now the focus is off his affair and on everything else wrong with our marriage

That's exactly what your WH wants. I suspect he's pushing for MC to use it as a venue to air all his resentments and will be looking for validation that the marriage is the problem and the affair isn't his fault. In additiona it provides a bit of a stall, and he gets to say he gave it the old college try.

If you go to MC, a lot will depend on the competence of the MC. Some are quick to play the brainless "affairs are a symptom of the marriage" and the "you're 50% responsible" cards. It's a bullshit cliche - in truth a bad marriage doesn't cause an affair, but an affair causes a bad marriage. Some MC's though will cut through the bullshit and call it as it is and hold each party responsible for their own choices, but not all will.

With his resentments, again, don't take those as a reflection on who you are. They are more a projection of himself - you provide a mirror and he doesn't like what he sees, so he doesn't like the mirror.

The big question before I would consider going to MC - is your WH still actively in the affair?

MC provides guidance and mechanisms to communicate and resolve issues. You are right that it won't magically make you both fall in love again. Going to MC while he is still in the affair is about as effective as cleaning up an oil spill without shutting off the damned valve.

If he hasn't stopped the affair, a hard 180 (while letting him know his behaviour in unacceptable) is probably the most effective thing you can do for youself.

[This message edited by SerJR at 6:59 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Livinglies
♀ New Member
Member # 40833
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only hours later and my above post is no longer current.

Caught him out on yet another lie And now he's moved out.

[This message edited by Livinglies at 7:01 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In that case, a hard 180, separating your finances, and a consult with a lawyer are the best things you can do to protect yourself.

I'm sorry (((living)))

You deserve better.

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:04 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Livinglies)))

SerJR is right. Do a hard 180, see a lawyer ASAP and disconnect from him. Do you have family in the area that you can turn to?

I am so sorry you are going through this, but it is NOT your fault. Him trying to blame all the things wrong in the marriage and on you is just a smokescreen for his weaknesses.

Stay true to you! Take this time to do things for you! Post or vent here as much as you need to. We are all here for you.


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. When they're begging to keep the marriage together and talking about marriage counseling - and then do a complete 180 and suddenly act vicious and unloving like he did with you - I immediately knew he was still in touch with her.

I'm going to assume that's the 'lie' you say you caught him in.

Very rarely do they REALLY cut all contact after a D-Day. They just cool things down and find a different way to stay in contact until the heat dies down.

You might want to consider legal counsel so you know exactly what a separation may entail (financially, custody wise, etc. etc.) A little knowledge never hurt anyone. And you can make informed decisions based on knowledge, not fear.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 18

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