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User Topic: I think the porn is escalating
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted a while ago about my H's porn habit, and how I wasn't happy about it. I'm not opposed to it. It's just not something I need.

Anyway, we have moved. I was travelling between old home and new place for a month. I went through the computer today, and he is still looking at porn every morning and every night. He's still doing while I am in the next room.

Today, I saw that he found a site for hooking up with people in the area. It didn't look like he registered, but he was looking. I am not one bit comfortable with this, and I don't have a lot of time for researching the effects of porn.

What do I do? Wait and watch? I've tried saying things when he is treating me in such a way that I know he's watched it online. He's back to gaslighting me over every last fucking thing. I can't even talk about the kids without him jumping down my throat and when I call him on it he totally turns it around on me.

I don't know what to do anymore.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am struggling with this in my marriage as well. Earlier in our relationship I was just in the other room as well. I am not sure if he has ever joined one of the sites (he says that he hasn't, but based on history he would be too scared to admit it if he had).

From what I have read, porn addiction is a sex addiction. For most porn addicts, they will escalate in frequency and type. A few will escalate to actual people.

But I have also learned, that I have no control over this. I can only state my side of the story. I know this is a struggle for my husband, so as he tries to abstain and "get better" I try to be supportive. I try to have a safe place for him to admit when its reentered his life. I try to remember that its not about me, its about an escape and other emotional issues.

I have stated some boundaries though. This is not something that I am accepting to live with or overlook. The three things that I have asked is that 1) We admit that this is beyond normal "guy stuff". This is a problem. 2) We are open and honest about it-no secrets and 3) This is addressed in IC.


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could help. I haven't had to deal with this. But for ME, it would be a deal breaker. I know many couples use it responsibly and are OK with it. Maybe I'm just a conservative snob, but I have never felt the need and I know after what I went through, I don't see how it can do anything but harm. It's a replacement--just like an A. That's me, my view only.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh you need to lay down the law and be prepared to follow through.

He's got issues and you see what's happening. Until you deman it stops it won't. Even then he may not and that's why you have to be prepared for follow through.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
whiteflower99
♀ Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. It is escalating. I had to deal with this as well. In my situation, he would watch porn even we had just had sex earlier that night. And it wasn't like the sex wasn't good either.
I would leave to drop the kids off at school, or go to work... as soon as I walked out of the house he had his dick in his hands.
That progressed to live sex shows and finally to multiple PAs. At least none of the OW were porn actresses... or at least none that I know about....


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1747 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't happy about it. I'm not opposed to it. It's just not something I need.

I don't know what to do anymore.

These statements seem to contradict each other.

Are you bothered by his porn use or not?

It sounds like you are very bothered by it. You have a right to be. Looking at OP having sex is akin to adultery. He is escalating his behavior, and behaving like an addict.

I'm sorry, but I haven't read all your other posts, so I'll ask a question: have you told him how you feel about his porn use? Have you told him your boundary? Does he acknowledge that he is disrespecting your boundaries?

Porn is affecting him, his attitudes and his behaviors. It is affecting you. You have a right in your M to be the only woman he looks at, and if he can't abide by that, you have a right to not be with him. He needs to know that it is you or them.

(if he is an addict, he will probably need some help breaking the addiction. SA meetings would help.)


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many people liked "Pornified" to explain the affects of porn.

What do you do? Have you read "Boundaries" By Cloud and Townsend? Are you seeing an IC that believes porn can be harmful? Practicing boundaries with him or her?

Can you begin to detach? Concentrate on yourself? Do the 180 to get some clarity?

The bottom line is you know your H has poor boundaries with women and he isn't fixing them. What more is there to "know?" Will any additional information make a difference in your situation?

Even if he does decide to register for a site to hook up with others, how does this change the fact that your H has poor boundaries with women? Even if he cuts down on the porn and still treats you poorly, your DH still has an issue of having poor boundaries with women..

I do not believe marriage ever should be considered unconditional. You have a right to state the conditions under which you will remain married to your husband. Your husband also as the right to decide he does or doesn't want those conditions. But, again, you have a right to say what you behaviors you find acceptable/unacceptable in a marriage.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Apr 2009
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't had access to my laptop to write a detailed response.

I am fine with others using porn but I don't want it in my life. I've always known he'd check it out and that never bothered me until I have seen what he's looking at over the past year.

I was clearly ignoring all signs if his secrets and doing so unconsciously by choice if that makes sense.

His porn is definitely effecting sex and I don't like it. I don't like him much right now either. He moved us here because he wanted to move home with all these reasons of having family around.

Well his mother is a pain in the ass hypochondriac that bitches about everything. She's an insane dog lady. She's not even nice.

Like I told him I didn't want to move here because we'd never see him. Well he's gone by 6am and doesn't get home before 7.

I'm happier without him around. I'm stuck unpacking and setting up the household. He rarely comments on the progress. He doesn't say bye on the phone. He doesn't say goodnight.

I know I'm not really great to be around right now because I'm exhausted. I unpack boxes, run up and down stairs a gazillion times a day, dealing with two cats and two kids and making dinner every night because he wants to have family dinners all of a sudden.

I am just in a fog of a mood going through the motions. Our stuff is still half in boxes so I feel very unorganized and can't figure out how to help myself right now.

Aldo, he is scheduled to have lunch with a woman who worked at his old company who cheated on her first husband with her current husband and she signs the last email "love, nancy". Seriously wtf is that about?


Sorry for babbling. I'm lost.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be honest with your husband through words. Back those words up with actions.

Everymans Battle. and. Boundaries in Marriage are two books that have helped me break this habit.

Key is I desired to change. My wife, for most of my M was fine with porn, even watched it with me. Even after I stopped cold turkey she wasn't convinced that was important to her.


I can tell you that first month was hard...I had urges. Now I can tell you it is lik I can breath deeply again...I feel free. I had used porn since puberty....fell sucker to society's lie that it is normal for men to do this, if your wife doesn't object to it and you still have regular sex with her it is not harmful.

That is all a lie.

Even if my M doesn't survive, this is the healthy way for me to live.

I pray more men realize this. There is a reason the title of the book that changed MY life is called "Everyman's Battle".

I have shared this journey with a few good male friends ... Each admitted to struggle with it too.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4029 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Sleepy312
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Will check it out along with the others suggested. I'm paralyzed with lack of purpose or direction.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Melodere
♀ New Member
Member # 41047
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is a porn/sex addict. I maybe get what you're saying with being ok/not being ok. I could care less about occasional porn. Yes, we've watched it together, etc. But it's ALL THE TIME. It's not just when I'm not available... not just when we've had a "dry spell". It's ALL day, EVERY day. I have a stress-disorder I'm in the beginning stages of a lengthy treatment process, he knows this... yet even though I'll be up a lot at night with one or both of our youngest, I'm the one up early to get our older son off to school (he has autism... so getting him off to school is a tedious task). Where is he? In bed. Looking at porn. It's like twofold disrespectful. Not just not helping me with our son, but looking at porn while not helping me. And yes, he's browsing those "local hook up" sites. I hacked into these profiles and he doesn't interact with people, just browsing, but the fact that he created them is another boundary crossed. (5 years ago he WAS interacting with a woman on Ashley Madison, talking about meeting up) In my experience it's progressive. The excessive porn leads to those sites which lead to interacting with women about meeting up. Now, I don't know that he'd actually meet anyone... he KNOWS that's a deal breaker for me. I have 100% NO tolerance for a PA. NONE. The kids and I would be GONE. But let's face it, logical thinking usually isn't involved in the decision to have any kind of affair.

I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice to offer. Just to say our stories are similar and one way or another we'll get through this.


Me: 36 BW
Him: 35 WH
Together: almost 13 years
Married: almost 9 years
4 kids, one grandson
DD #1: Fall 2008 (EA, plans to meet up with OW found)
DD #2: October 2013 (excessive porn, "hook up sites", naked photos of him... just like 2008)

Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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