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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I feel sad for Ex - my letter to him
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I am truly sad for EXH today. Sad because he can't open his eyes and see what a precious gift he is slowly losing.

Every day his Son thinks about him a little less, gets a little less excited to see him, and cares a little less. He no longer talks about his dad anymore; he no longer waits for him to come home.

It was very telling this weekend when I asked him if he wanted a quick breakfast so he could spend more time with his dad or wait half an hour or so I could go out and pick up some groceries and make a big breakfast. He shrugged and said he really didn't care either way.

Ex had a whole week to spend with DS and then he will be gone for nearly two months. He started out strong and then things petered out. He took a day 'off' because he was sick. He only took him for 2 hours for supper on Friday; he chose not to go to DS' run on Saturday because it was an hour away. (Yet I went). He was leaving on Sunday and made no attempt to do anything with him Saturday night. It made me so angry at first, but now it makes me sad.
So this is to my Ex:
Dear EXH,

You are losing the love and respect of your son. You are no longer Daddy, the hero the role model. You are becoming something more like a fun uncle or someone that drops in from time to time but is quickly forgotten once gone.

If you could stop putting your own selfish wants and needs before those of your son, you would see what an amazing intelligent boy he is, you would be entertained by his sense of humor and quick wit, you would be astounded at his knowledge of the world, his desire to become something important. You would be in awe of his accomplishments, his athletics in the face of a condition that should have held him back, his high marks in school, and his extracurricular accomplishments. Did you know he wants to go into politics one day? Did you know he is joining student committees, junior leadership executive, junior teaching positions? He is becoming so much more than I had ever dreamed when I carried him for those nine months.

Do you listen to his interests or celebrate his accomplishments. I have his artwork on my office walls, pictures of us together on my desk. He is in my mind and heart every day. All my free time is spent doing things with and for him. I am his loudest supporting cheerleader!

Why canít you put in the effort to talk to him? You cannot ask a teenager how his day was or what he does in school because you will get non replies. You have to push and prod and not give up, let him know that you want to know what is on his mind, what his dreams are. Let him know that you value all that he is and you are not just someone who shows up when you have nothing else to do.

One day this boy will be something great and I will carry the memory of his journey in my heart. It fills me with love and pride, makes me feel like my life has such meaning and I am better because of it. I wish you could open your eyes and share in this feeling as well. But I guess you are limited by your own failures and shortcomings. Your insecurities lead you to turn your eyes from the things that are important to those which are so fleeting and transient.

There was a time that I hated you and wanted you to leave us alone. Now I wish you would turn around and come back, not to me, but to your child. And it makes me so very sad.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Celticlass
♀ Member
Member # 39518
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is an excellent letter! You must be so proud of that fine boy you are raising.

My youngest was 18 when the divorce actually happened but in truth, my ex had checked out long before. It is so sad because he missed out on so much and I don't know if he realizes how truly amazing they are.

However, they always have time for their Mum, we talk often, laugh even more and truly enjoy each others company. This is the type of relationship that you will have with your son (from the look of things) and, no it's not the perfect family that I longed to hold together, but it is perfectly perfect in its own way. As my children are adults now, I can honestly say that they bring so much joy to my life and that is absolutely perfect. I have the best relationship with them that he will never, ever have because he puts forth very little effort, they know who will ALWAYS be there for them. Just as your son will come to know this too (just don't take anything he says in the midst of teenage angst personally.....don't miss that).

My girls are the best of their father and me-----just as your son is. Don't mourn for your ex's loss- that is his to own.......enjoy the life that you and your son are building! It will be beautiful.




Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Lone Star State
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't get it. He can't see past his own self-centeredness.

DS should be #1 in his life, and he's not. His choice. So he loses out.

If he wanted to put forth the effort, he would; nothing would stop him. His actions are speaking volumes.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3390 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad. It seems that many WS leave emotionally before they leave physically. The kids become detached. I am my kids safe haven. Their Dad is becoming as you said an uncle or someone who drops in now and then.

My WH came to town for a 3 day weekend. He only saw the kids for dinner on Friday evening and drove them to school this morning (Tues). The kids didn't even seem to care that he put so little effort into seeing them. They are so detached now. It never use to be that way.

Bad choices affect so many. In the long run the person making the bad choice ends up losing most of all.

I am glad that your son has you - kids learn by example. Keep being the Mom you are ninebark


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
pregnantandsad
♀ Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your son sounds amazing and he is lucky to have a mom like you.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok...you all need to stop it with these posts that make me cry!!!

Just read one from "Ashland" about her neighbor boy making her & his mom bracelets for the moms alone in the world or some such.

I have been where you are & I just want to commend you on your letter, your son & your strength!!!

It is so sad that his dad doesn't see it but it is his loss. Your son will be just fine with you as his mom but it still breaks your heart for your kids.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You must be so proud of your son, and appreciate what a great gift it is to be in his life.
Unfortunately some ex's do not get it.
They merely through away one of the greatest gifts in life, our children.
Truly sad, yet your empathy speaks volumes for your integrity and character.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
Lost15
♀ Member
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like that letter could have been my own to stbxh. Although he is yet to come see DS since July. It is really very sad what they are doing to their relationships with their children. I get so upset because stbxh gets mad at DS for not responding to text or phone calls. But DS just isn't a great communicator at 14. He doesn't want to talk about his day or his feelings but I'm the one blamed for the disconnection between them. I am supposedly poisoning DS against him. I feel sorry that he has never really had a relationship with DS. I have been there through everything and no I don't get praise from DS for ding these things, but if stbxh were to he would need praise. DS was so upset at him that he said he would be at the in laws on Christmas but wouldn't stay the night. Stbxh had the nerve to say I'm not driving 12 hours just to seem him for a few hours! If I were him I would jump at the chance. I love my son with all my heart and I know this divorce is hurting him but we will get through it and our bond will become stronger. Sadly his bond with his father is becoming less and less. Maybe one day stbxh will wake up, hopefully before its too late.


me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great letter. Your son is lucky to have you in his life . It sounds like he will be a great person because of you and doesn't need his dad anyway! Behind every strong man ( and I use that term loosely) is a stronger woman! That is you! The letter was touching and I am sorry.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am constantly amazed at how they detach so well from their own children. On my worst days as a single mother - when work was exhausting, they won't stop fighting, one is crying, the other one is stomping around and screaming, the toilet is clogged, and we are out of milk and clean socks - you know those days - I fantasize about escaping by myself to a tropical island. But, that lasts about 30 seconds and I think there is no way I could ever leave them.

I feel like I could have written your letter too except I don't feel sorry for my ex in the least. He has a choice and every day that he doesn't call them or pay attention to them or ask about their lives, he makes that choice.

I feel much more sorry for my kids, the biggest victims in this whole shit storm who had no choice whatsoever.

Your ex, like mine and so many others, is on a path to a very lonely and bitter existence. He's too stupid and selfish to see and, amazingly, he will likely sit and wonder why when the inevitable happens and his grown children treat him like he treated them - nothing more than a duty and an obligation.

The memories are with us, the ones who stayed and refused to step out of their lives. The ones who show every single day - whether we are smiling or screaming - that they always come first.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2838 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 10

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